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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| My new neighbours, Chris and Janji, are having a party tonight to celebrate Janji's birthday...and I've been invited. I can't believe I'm nervous. It's been so long since I socialised that the idea of being around a crowd of people is intimidating. I'm normally quite outgoing (sober), but people do tend to freak me out. I've had three coffees today, and usually only have one. I'm pretty hyped. I'm not going to drink alcohol, so being a little chatty (rather than a drunken slur) will for sure be a better option. Earlier today, I went to the local mall to buy Janji a present. I spent a little more than I anticipated, but I couldn't GAF about money. I then got my eyes tested and bought a new pair of Ray-Ban reading glasses. I wish I had better than an upgraded account on WdC so I could upload a picture of my smiling face wearing them. I was on a roll, so onto the next store while I waited for my glasses to be done. I bought a shirt (which I am wearing to the party) and a baseball cap. I also purchased two pairs of Calvin Klien underpants, and if I told you how much I paid for them, you would think, like me, that I am mad. I had a haircut yesterday. I'm wearing my new undies and feeling extremely good. Caffeine is so awesome...even though I know I'll spend half the night in the loo peeing, and that later, when I try to sleep, I'll be cursing it. Party on dudes. |
| Cardio is something I do most days, and over the last four months, I've reduced my body weight from 93kg to around 91kg (200 lbs). I still have a ways to go before I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see (body dysmorphic aside), but with regular walking and three thirty-minute sessions of medium-intensity cardio a week, I am on track...at least, I was. I have mentioned previously how when I am on a walk and my knee begins to hurt, I ask the entity/demon/psychosis to help with the pain, and within a minute or two, the pain disappears. And there are times when I can ask for, and often (but not always) feel the effects of a drug similar to MDMA. The effect comes with heightened sexual urges, that considering my age (I'll be sixty in six weeks), defy logic. The only reasonable explanation is psychosomatics...power of suggestion or the placebo effect, where I believe something is going to happen, and my brain somehow causes feelings that mimic the opioid or stimulant effects. Or the alternative...that this demon or whatever it is, can change my brain chemistry to mimic the effects of certain substances. These are not isolated incidents and they have been happening regularly for well over a year. About ten days ago, I was considering going to a doctor and getting bloodwork done to check my testosterone levels. I know they are low because about a year ago I was tested and my levels were borderline low. The ranges set in Australia for clinical TRT to be subsidised by the government meant I couldn't apply for pharmaceutical benefits scheme (PBS) assistance and so, if I was to try and correct the hormone imbalance, I had to pay for it myself. It's an expensive and ongoing treatment. There are many side effects and once a man begins to receive artificial testosterone, it's for life because the body ceases to produce it naturally. It also means having to undergo regular blood draws and receiving injections, which are invasive and cause scarring. I decided not to go down this course, but half in jest (and half serious), I asked Angel (my spirit attachment/hallucination) if she would elevate my testosterone levels. She blinked her eyes indicating that she would. I then kinda forgot about it. I have a set of bathroom scales and have been weighing myself every day since I arrived in Hua Hin four months ago. I've been keenly monitoring the progress of weight loss, however, over the last ten days, I've gained six kilos (over thirteen pounds). There's been no change to my diet or exercise regime. After my shower, I look in the mirror and my shoulders and upper back are huge. I'm lifting at least 10 to 15% more than I was two weeks ago. I own two pairs of shorts that button up (rather than having elastic), and now they hardly fit me. Whereas ten days ago, I had plenty of room to move. My body fat looks around the same, but I'm suddenly bigger and stronger. My appetite has also increased exponentially. If this is a case of mind over matter, imagine the results that could be achieved by those who unknowingly receive a placebo. The stats indicate a high percentage of people do have some benefit and in certain circumstances (non-life threatening), could be a better first attempt at therapy, especially considering the lack of side effects a placebo will produce. There are a lot of YouTube videos made by people who claim to conjure demons/entities and 'work' with them to achieve a range of things, from gaining wealth to receiving sexual favours. Looking back, I know that's what I did, without realising what I was getting into. The occult is a dark world, especially for a novice practitioner like me, who never really believed. I was bored, and high on meth, a known gateway drug. At the time, it was fun to pretend. And now I have this thing inside my head, be it imaginary or not, it's not leaving anytime soon. When I ask how my 'imaginary friend' feels about me dating, her eyes will go from side to side (NO) or round and round indicating that she doesn't care...and neither answer gives me much confidence). Advice or a warning? We shall see. I'm not going to allow my life to be dictated to by psychosis, but it will be interesting to see what happens if I ever do meet someone and enter into a relationship. |
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He'll survive that aspect of school.
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