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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| I have covered this topic previously on my blog, but circumstances have changed a lot, and I thought it would be good (at least for me) to rehash it again. Obviously, there are pros and cons to every situation. Even being addicted to meth had some positives such as self-medicating and alieving loneliness and boredom. With this in mind, I cannot help but wonder if there is something wrong with me (other than my being in recovery, having psychosis, living in a new country and the fact that I haven't been on a date in more years than I care to remember). I used to blame my addiction for keeping me single. Having to care for my mother was another excuse I used as to why I didn't look for love. But now I am no longer a slave to meth or have the responsibilities of being a caregiver, I find that after being in Thailand for almost five months, a place where I am no longer just a face in the crowd, but a commodity sought by women for admittedly, reasons other than love, I am still alone. I have this 'thing' about not being looked at for my overall attributes, instead of a walking, talking ATM machine. I'm sure that isn't an accurate description in a lot of cases, and that many of the couples I see out and about do have more depth to their relationships than simply being an exchange of money for sex/company. Some much older men I see have obvious age-related disabilities, and have Thai partners who I am sure look after them quite well...but still, I would almost guarantee if these men ran out of funds, the women who provide much more than just sex (cooking, cleaning and company for example) wouldn't stay with them for long. That may sound jaded, but this is true in a majority of cases. I'm not judging either. Most of these women have families to help provide for. Relatives who are, in most cases, very poor. Those who rely on the money their daughters send them to put food on the table and pay for expenses they would ordinarily struggle with. To be perfectly honest, I would have no problem with this kind of arrangement, especially if it was fair and didn't go beyond the boundaries that would need to be established very early on. The problem (for me) is not just about money but more to do with the time I have spent alone and the fear I have of the changes I would need to make to fall into the dynamic of being in a relationship...a relationship with very different principles than I am used to. Weighing up the pros and cons is hard because I have almost forgotten what the pros and cons of being with someone are. Having a sexual partner and someone to talk to (which is a big problem in Thailand if the lady isn't able to speak English) on the surface sounds nice. It is a proven fact that men who are in relationships live longer and healthier lives than their single counterparts. But I struggle to get my head around this cash-for-company thing that seems so easy for everyone else here in Thailand. When I think about it, the arrangements these people become involved in are not that dissimilar to most Western relationships. No woman, no matter where in the world she lives, is going to be attracted to, or become involved with, a man who has little to no resources or at least has ambition. One of the main reasons men come to SE Asia looking for a partner, be it for sex or more long-term, is because it's seen by them as an easier option than it would be in the West. More bang for your buck, if you can excuse the pun, sees an average man suddenly propelled to above average. So much so that they are willing to 'forget' why that is. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you ask) at this point, I can't let go of this mentality of wanting someone who sees me not as a commodity, but for what I am...a talented and sensitive man who can cook, is clean, affectionate and generous. Sounds like great stuff for a bio on a dating app, if I had the courage (or the stupidity) to go there. Perhaps I'm getting my cart before the horse. When meeting someone for the first time, of course, they won't know about these wonderful attributes (or the negative ones I conveniently fail to mention here). But they would, in time, learn more about me, as I would about them. In my opinion, I think I'd be a great catch, but the real question is, do I want to be caught? And if so, am I willing to take the risk of not just being hurt, but possibly hurting someone else? Until I can answer both of those questions with a resounding, yes, then the saying that I need to be careful of what I wish for should be foremost in my mind. |
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He'll survive that aspect of school.
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