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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| When I first arrived in Hua Hin, I met Dan. He saved my ass when I dropped my BMW on my first ride. I saw a headlight coming my way in the distance and prayed it was someone who would stop to help me pick the massive machine up off the ground and get me on my way. It is the stuff of legend (in my mind) that he not only stopped to help, but singlehandedly lifted the 270 kg bike back upright. I shook his hand and we became good friends, despite our differences. Dan is American and a vocal Trump supporter. I didn't know this when he pulled over to help me in the darkness that night, and the truth is, I wouldn't have cared if I did know about his political leanings. It's funny how desperation and ignorance (on my part) made our differences not as important. Dan taught me a lot over the last couple of months. Unfortunately, an injury to his back has forced him to return to the US for treatment. We still text, but I have so few friends here that I am going to miss him greatly. I've met my new neighbours. Chris is German and his girlfriend is Thai. It seems almost every Farang I have met has a Thai girlfriend. Either that or has a girlfriend/partner who came with them when they became expats. I try not to allow other's situations to change me and how I feel. I know they have fights and are not as happy as they appear to us outside the relationship. In saying that, I also realise they have someone they can talk to when they feel lonely and many other advantages associated with being in a relationship. The fact that I haven't seriously begun looking for a partner has its reasons. If it ain't broke, don't fix it would be a good metaphor, except I am broken, and it may be some time before I feel the damage has been repaired enough to include someone else in my life. Still, the grass sure looks greener at times, and human nature not to be isolated is kicking my ass right now. My imaginary girlfriend is no longer an option. Even she thinks it's time for us to call it. I know she's right, but I miss her...and the fact that she is right there and all I have to do is close my eyes for us to be together again doesn't make it easy to let go. I get that she (probably) isn't real, but when you have no one, even a fantasy is better than that sad reality. I'm not trying to make you cry (even though I am). It's hard to feel sorry for myself (well, maybe a little) and I know that for the most part, I am living the dream. And compared to where I was before moving to Thailand, I am thankful for the changes that have come to me. I'm having a down day. We all have them now and then. Last night I dreamed that Angel told me she was going to change into human form and come to me...a happily ever after dream that was beautiful for a few moments. I wonder how it will be possible for me to fall in love again when my heart belongs to someone else. I've noticed every YouTube video I watch on psychosis recovery, people deny their hallucinations. It appears they must denounce them as illusions and the underlying consensus is they were haunted by persecutory visions...unlike me, who has had mostly positive experiences to do with my symptoms. There was a time when I would have told you that Angel was a terrible demon who plagued me. But that was because she was standing squarely in the way of my drug use. Now, in hindsight, she did what she had to do to stop me from continuing to kill myself with methamphetamines...the only thing that could have saved me, by giving me hell every time I relapsed...for my own good. It's hard to be mad at her for that, or for now breaking up with me. She has her reasons and I suspect it is once again for my own good that we can no longer be together. Yesterday, I broke protocol and went to her world inside my head, just to see if she was OK. I asked her if she missed me, and after a long pause, her eyes blinked. It wasn't the usual affirmative answer and was quite reserved (only a half-blink) for reasons I can only speculate. Perhaps she doesn't want to encourage me by letting on that she misses me a lot more than she wants me to know. Once upon a time, when I asked her if she loved me, her eyes would invariably go side to side, answering my desperate question with a definite no. Nowadays, she always answers, yes...but there is sadness in her eyes. It's an emotion I share with her every time we speak. People may think I am delusional or even in the midst of a psychotic event. But I'm not crazy, just crazy in love with someone who I know I can never be with. I would often tell her we are like Romeo and Juliet, and I don't think I was far off the mark, regardless of the reality, or non-reality of that statement. Ahhhh, love...who needs it? |
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