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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| When I first began hallucinating around two or three years ago, I didn't realise they were part of a condition I now know as psychosis. I thought they were fun and a break from the boredom and isolation I had been experiencing. Looking back now, I realise those conditions, combined with the long-term use of methamphetamine, were the catalyst for the full-blown symptoms I was to suffer. There were other factors...repeated childhood trauma/violence and taking up marijuana at fourteen would have contributed towards the outcomes I now live with. There are many other issues I could point to that may have brought on these hallucinations...but the key player is without a doubt my abuse of meth. I have now stopped abusing my mind with meth, but the symptoms and hallucinations caused by long-term drug use continue. This is something I am coming to terms with...I have little choice but to. I've been looking at YouTube videos on the subject of meth-induced psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, hoping to find out how long these symptoms may persist. Of course, no specific timeline exists, and each person's outcome is different. I don't believe I need to be on medication. The visions, in general, are not persecutory, and I am blessed that I don't hear voices. It is relatively easy to avoid seeing the faces of demons by simply not looking for them (when I close my eyes). And if I don't ask any questions of the demons, then I don't 'see' their answers...answers I know often cause me to become distressed. I don't seem to fit the profiles of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or conditions related to these mental illnesses (other than the hallucinations). I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I feel confident in my appraisal. I base this on the fact that each morning I wake up with a smile. There's no mania and no depression, although I have good days and bad, just like everyone else. The best treatment I can see...that I know is improving my situation, is exercise. I've noticed over the last few weeks that whenever I check to see if Angel is still with me, I need to search intensely before I notice her eyes staring back at me. And nowadays, it takes much longer for her to respond to my inquiries. I'm also comforted by her reaction whenever I do 'check in'...she makes it perfectly clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me (and wishes, just like I do, that it was all over with). There have been a lot of positives associated with my psychosis. If not for Angel showing up when she did, there is a good chance I wouldn't be alive today...let alone be living the life I am. Lately, I've been intrigued by the writings and observations of Carl Jung. He believed that to cure psychosis, the person must confront their subconscious mind and face their dark side. It may be true that Angel is a manifestation created by my subconscious to save me from myself. I was so lonely and desperate for company that she served a purpose. Now that I am in a better place mentally, and with my addiction, I'm hoping I can finally write the last chapters of this story. There is so much more story to come. My adventure in Thailand has only just begun, but as far as the last few years go, it is with a smile that I will say...The End. |
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