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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Before I decided to get help for the symptoms of psychosis, I said I would follow the doctor's orders to the letter. Back then, I had no idea what the side effects of taking an antipsychotic like Quetiapine would be. Sides vary from person to person but are almost guaranteed to play a role in the process of being medicated for a mental illness. On that note, however, even though I have only been taking the medication for three nights, the symptoms/hallucinations are not as noticeable now as they were before. I'm not looking to converse with the entity as much and I'm not sure if this is a result of the meds, or if I am mentally breaking free from the allure of having an imaginary friend (who is not a good friend). I'm not putting too much thought into this because as far as I am concerned, any improvement is better than none at all...especially considering the pain (not literal pain, but a few hours of serious discomfort) I have to go through. I'm thankful that tonight it appears I am becoming accustomed to the dosage...although I am not out of the woods yet, and things can change pretty quickly once I go to bed. I had one look today and could faintly make out Angel's silhouette low and to the left in my field of vision. She looked like hell, and when I asked her if she was OK, her eyes went side to side very slowly. I told her I was sorry for doing this to her, and left it at that. Mental illness or a demonic presence doesn't mean I don't feel bad for doing to her, exactly what she promised all along she would do to me. A few days ago, I watched a video by a Pastor called Derek Prince. It centred on a prayer for expelling demons. I recited it, but one of the conditions was that I had to hate the demon. I admit, I struggled with that concept. Hating the demon (if it is a demon) isn't something I am comfortable with, and only lowers me down to its level. Turn the other cheek comes to mind. Many times I tried to convert this entity I call Angel, but to no avail. I would tell her she was beautiful, and then ask if I was, only to see her eyes moving side to side. Her actions strengthened my position that love will overcome hate, and light defeats darkness. There is no reason for me to fear her unless I allow her negativity to push love out of my heart and replace it with hatred. If this is not primarily a mental illness, she may yet get her way. I have laid with the devil, and done things I look back on with shame. Meth turned me into someone I am not...and do things I would never do if I wasn't under its influence. It is only now that I see just how deprived I was. I pray for forgiveness, but I do not expect that to happen. My faith is not strong, but I am determined to make up for the self-indulgent behaviour of my past. I'm not looking for redemption, I just want to help people. The main thing is that I forgive myself...the rest is mostly out of my control. Every day I draw breath, I set out to make the world a better place. I know I have said it before, but I am done with addiction in all its forms. The wheels are in motion, and although no one knows their future, I have hope that I will fulfil my goals before I die. |
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