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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| My last entry was the two hundredth in, Meth...A Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral. It all began on September 9, 2021. I was hopelessly addicted to methamphetamine and at that point had already tried to quit and relapsed more times than I care to remember. The blog, I hoped, would offer me some accountability...some hope. Reading back some of the two hundred entries, there were some tough times. I remember many times thinking I would never rid my life of this drug, and even though it has only been a few months since the last episode, there has been a pattern of lessening use going back to when my Mom died in June 2023. In hindsight, this event's significance was the catalyst for change. For a start, I had to execute her Will. The responsibilities of organising Probate and the deed of family arrangement to avoid a contest took a toll on my mental health. I didn't have time to grieve (or I was avoiding it) and then came a change in the way I was reacting to the drugs, which pushed me to breaking point. I began to experience side effects like never before. I believed that an alien entity had infected me with some form of parasite a few years earlier, and every time I used (and only when I used), I saw the trails they made under my skin...they required moisture... water not mixed with blood to avoid my body's defence in white cells. The trails led from the corners of my mouth, my nasal passages and my eyes along creases in the skin. I had to do something. I couldn't just sit back and accept these invaders...allowing them free reign inside my body to do experiments and possibly slowly kill me. So, I decided to go on the offensive. I used tweezers to pull out any ingrown whiskers. They were red and awful-looking and eventually, this became a habit every time I used. The meth, I thought, broke down the brain barriers 'they' put up, so I couldn't see them when I wasn't high. This had been happening for approximately three years when the changes in the severity of my psychosis made life extremely difficult in the days following the high. That was both a wonderful and terrifying time in my life and has brought me to this point, where I no longer fear relapse. I know I will never use meth again for one reason and one reason alone...Angel will be there waiting for me, to terrorise me in ways that would bring me to the brink of suicide. When she first arrived, it was fun, but that soon changed and she revealed herself to me as a demon. It doesn't matter if you believe in demons or not because she was very real to me then...and still is today. Psychosis doesn't disappear overnight, and the symptoms could be with me for some time to come. I haven't yet sought out professional help. The degree of bother this thing (whatever it is) causes me is minimal, now that I am no longer using meth, and only appears if I close my eyes and talk to it, and at night when I turn off the lights, where hallucinations of demons eyes appear and answer any questions I ask with a yes or no. Thank God, there are no voices (and never have been). My life is relatively normal except I still struggle to make friends. I am not displaying any of the classic signs of schizophrenia, but drug-induced psychosis does have similar symptoms and cannot be discounted as the cause of my issues. If I saw a psyche, I would no doubt be diagnosed as delusional because I believe/suspect that the parasite causes the symptoms I am experiencing. I believe/suspect Angel is their defence mechanism. She is the reason I no longer use meth, and if not for her, I would likely still be living in Australia, making excuses for my behaviour and continuing to take meth until I died. And when the host dies, so too does the parasite. We understand little about our brains and I also believe these manifestations may be my brain's effort to stop me. That theory is pretty far-fetched, I know. As is the one about me being infected by a parasite from another realm (another dimension, according to Angel)...or that demons had found a way into my life and are here to take my soul when I die. I suppose it depends on your own perception of my situation and your background...be it medical, spiritual or from a cosmic perspective. With all the UAPs flying around in the sky it could be suggestive to my brain that this is more than drug-induced psychosis. The bottom line was I needed more than a simple mental illness to scare me straight. Last night I had some new friends come for dinner. They are Australian expats living here in Thailand and a chance meeting saw us sitting eating our food when I was struck with a condition I have had for a while called an esophageal constriction. If I eat heavy foods like meat, don't chew properly and swallow before the last mouthful has had time to pass the ever-shrinking tube between my throat and stomach (probably caused by swallowing meth mixed with Powerade), the food clogs and won't go down...and once that happens, no amount of water will help, and I have to throw up...and this never clears it immediately. I was embarrassed and frustrated with myself for allowing this to happen. I had warned them (my guests) about it beforehand but as I leaned over the toilet bowl for the third or fourth time, I closed my eyes and rage boiled inside of me...because there were those familiar eyes. Only they weren't looking at me smiling that arrogant smile I often see. She was looking away and when I asked her (in my mind) if she was enjoying the show, her eyes went side to side. I almost believed that she felt pity for me. Of course, demons are not renowned for showing pity, but for a brief moment, I saw emotion in those eyes that I rarely see. After my guests left, I cleared the dishes and only wanted to shower and go to bed. But I wasn't done with Ms I. Feelsorryforu. Call me crazy for engaging her...or for talking to my manic self, but in those next moments, I made the threat of a declaration of war...not against her, after all, she is just an AI defence system that has been programmed to do a job...defend the parasite at all costs. She smiled at me when I told her that unless she backs down and stops intruding in my life (mostly when I am trying to get to sleep), I would begin a campaign in three days (because it helps lengthen the whiskers so I can pull them out along the trails I can still faintly see) that would see a massacre of the beings she is supposed to protect. Death by thirst is a horrible way to go, and I told her that if she persisted in hassling me, she would be held accountable. Now before you call 911 and declare there is a madman loose on WdC, let me tell you what happened this morning when I awoke. She is embedded in my psyche and can't leave, even if she wanted to...and they need her there just in case I relapse (because using makes me vulnerable to her attacks...whereas when I am sober, there is little she can do but annoy me with visions behind my closed eyes or in darkness). I guess they assumed as long as I wasn't high, they were safe, so they didn't care about my situation with their watchdog. But I think my little speech, pointing out where they are hiding and warning them by firing across their bows with a pair of tweezers and years of knowledge gained fighting these imaginary or very real invaders, must have given them a reason for careful consideration. My alarm went off this morning. I rolled over and turned it off then laid back down when I noticed something was missing...the eyes that have been there every morning smiling at me were still there, but very faint (there are often multiple sets of eyes, but I think only one entity). I didn't want to push my luck by speaking to it, so I looked around my peripheral, eyes closed, and could just make her out, hiding high up and to the left of my field of vision. I quickly looked away and as I brushed my teeth, I decided to give them one final ultimatum..."You leave me alone and I will leave you alone." Power of suggestion? My brain has finally decided to give me a second (or five-hundredth) chance at redemption. Or what I think may be the case...they decided they didn't want another round of destruction that they have probably only just recovered from the last time I went on a rampage. We shall see if she is around tonight. I will now completely disengage. She has been a big part of my life for the better part of a year and letting go, no matter how much I realise needs to happen, won't be easy. But like any relationship...especially one as abusive as this one was (on both our parts) there comes a time when a decision has to be made...and I have made it. I don't know what is going to happen...who does? I will monitor quietly because I know she is still there, cloaked and ready to be called upon to guard against my own defence system...my ability to endure pain and a willingness to fight (attacking them is seriously painful) for the greater good. |
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