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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| I wasn't on my A game yesterday. Nada's concerns that I wouldn't physically be able to go mushroom hunting with her, waking up early each morning (and finding it hard to get back to sleep) with thoughts of possible immigration issues and feelings of isolation are all beginning to wear on me. There are times when I wish I didn't have to leave Australia...even though I know that if I hadn't, I would have continued to use meth and died prematurely. Even now, a return would be ill-advised since I haven't properly dealt with the root causes of my addiction, and relapse would be likely. It's not like I can financially afford to go back anyway. I wouldn't say that I ran away from my problems entirely. I had a plan, and so far, it has worked out well for me. It's just that some days I miss my old life (and even the drugs). I know that sounds bad, but I'm not going to deny these feelings to you or to myself. Before I came to Thailand, drugs were my go-to when things weren't going to plan. And on the flip side, when things were going well, I used drugs to celebrate any successes that I had. Even though I am no longer physically dependent on meth, I can still feel its pull. There's one thing I didn't anticipate when I decided to relocate to Thailand. Being a writer, so much of my life has been put down in words. If Nada could read my poems and stories, it would make me a lot happier. I can't even read to her because her grasp of English is so limited. I've used Google Translate on a few occasions, but I'm not sure how well English translates to Thai, especially in regards to poetry. When Nada and I go out, I am always left out of the conversation. This causes me to feel a little down and alone at times. I'm glad I have Netflix and YouTube to help get me through. I've always been a bit of a loner, and making new friends isn't easy for me...and that's especially true here in Thailand. I'm determined to make the most of each and every day, even those that aren't fantastic. There's no point in putting pressure on myself to be something I'm not (sociable), and even though Nada and I are not able to have broadscale conversations, she has enough of a grasp of English to get us by. Over the last few days, I've been reducing my sugar intake and this may be why I'm not feeling the best at the moment. I'm not going to allow these negative feelings to affect Nada, so in goes my dummy. Tomorrow is another day. |
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