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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| They say you have to live with someone for a while before you get to know them. Many years ago, I was on a website called SupportGroups.com. It was after my divorce, and I wanted to connect with other people going through a similar experience. I also joined a meth users group to post about my journey and offer support to others in need. The list of groups on the site was extensive, and in my experience, there were a lot of damaged people who had good intentions but lacked the skills and professionalism to offer meaningful advice...and most of the focus was on handing out advice. I learned a lot in the two years I was a member there. I was inadvertently introduced to the astounding number of disorders being diagnosed and treated by 'well-intentioned' doctors. A Google search provided me with information on over two hundred different mental illnesses, along with more than four hundred and fifty definitions of mental disorders. It appears we could all fall under the banner of suffering from one disorder or another, and I wonder if the medical fraternity is guilty of over-diagnosing what in my mind appears normal/understandable (under the circumstances) behaviour rather than being abnormal. Tell a person they have a problem enough times and they will develop a problem whether there was one to begin with or not. Stress-induced...drug-induced...habits that make doing things a certain way become a little more than necessary. The fact that I like to use the same coloured pegs in pairs when I hang out the washing could be considered strange. I could go on, but surely we aren't all crazy? Or perhaps crazy comes in various degrees. One day on SupportGroups, I saw a post from a girl who was threatening suicide. She was a member of a group called HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Apparently, according to the medical professionals who treat them, they are not gay, and instead, suffer from a mental illness that can be treated (and I would assume, cured). I felt for this young girl and reached out to her. But, I made a huge mistake by telling her that it was OK...and so what if she was gay? It's a public forum and the hate that came my way from the other members of the group surprised and shocked me. They genuinely believe they suffer from a mental illness (and later I realised that who am I to say otherwise) and any suggestion that this girl might simply be gay, they found offensive. I apologised for my lack of insight and left them to their suffering. The one good thing that came from the experience was it inspired me to write this story "HOCD...Fact or Fiction"  .After Nada and I woke up yesterday, I helped her make the bed. I've noticed this thing she does whenever I put my hand on anything around the house. I was on my side of the bed and did my best to follow her actions. I folded the doona down and arranged the pillows the same way that she did, but when I moved away from the bed, she went to my side and fixed the imperfections she saw in what I had done. There are many other things she does that I question. If I move something on the table, later, it will be back the way it was before...and don't get me started on when I offer to cook anything. Even when I do the dishes, it becomes a coaching session. So, today I sat Nada down and explained to her how it makes me feel when she always corrects what I do. She told me that because she had worked in hotels for so long, it had turned her into a perfectionist. Then she used the old line that 'she does it to make me happy'. The line blurs between habit and OCD. I could simply allow her to do everything and sit on the couch and watch TV while she makes the world right...but that's not what I consider a formula for developing a happy relationship. I was gentle in my approach. I want her to let go of her need to control everything so she can relax and enjoy this new life we are beginning together. |
| I wasn't on my A game yesterday. Nada's concerns that I wouldn't physically be able to go mushroom hunting with her, waking up early each morning (and finding it hard to get back to sleep) with thoughts of possible immigration issues and feelings of isolation are all beginning to wear on me. There are times when I wish I didn't have to leave Australia...even though I know that if I hadn't, I would have continued to use meth and died prematurely. Even now, a return would be ill-advised since I haven't properly dealt with the root causes of my addiction, and relapse would be likely. It's not like I can financially afford to go back anyway. I wouldn't say that I ran away from my problems entirely. I had a plan, and so far, it has worked out well for me. It's just that some days I miss my old life (and even the drugs). I know that sounds bad, but I'm not going to deny these feelings to you or to myself. Before I came to Thailand, drugs were my go-to when things weren't going to plan. And on the flip side, when things were going well, I used drugs to celebrate any successes that I had. Even though I am no longer physically dependent on meth, I can still feel its pull. There's one thing I didn't anticipate when I decided to relocate to Thailand. Being a writer, so much of my life has been put down in words. If Nada could read my poems and stories, it would make me a lot happier. I can't even read to her because her grasp of English is so limited. I've used Google Translate on a few occasions, but I'm not sure how well English translates to Thai, especially in regards to poetry. When Nada and I go out, I am always left out of the conversation. This causes me to feel a little down and alone at times. I'm glad I have Netflix and YouTube to help get me through. I've always been a bit of a loner, and making new friends isn't easy for me...and that's especially true here in Thailand. I'm determined to make the most of each and every day, even those that aren't fantastic. There's no point in putting pressure on myself to be something I'm not (sociable), and even though Nada and I are not able to have broadscale conversations, she has enough of a grasp of English to get us by. Over the last few days, I've been reducing my sugar intake and this may be why I'm not feeling the best at the moment. I'm not going to allow these negative feelings to affect Nada, so in goes my dummy. Tomorrow is another day. |
| I was on such a high yesterday that I was bound to come crashing down sooner or later. As a young girl growing up in Isan Province, Thailand, Nada and her family experienced times when food was scarce and there were days when they had to rely on the land to provide them with food. Bamboo grew in abundance in the hills above the rice fields, and she and her siblings would often ride their bikes searching for young shoots to collect and bring home to cook. Mushrooms were also a good source of protein, and with Mama, Papa and six hungry young mouths to feed, every bit helped. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for Nada to grow up impoverished, but that was a long time ago and no matter how many years have passed, some things are hard to change. Nada has been saying to me for weeks that she wants to go to a mountain near our home to look for mushrooms and bamboo. Personally, I would rather buy them from the markets and help support the vendors there. I didn't like the idea of her going on her own, just in case something bad were to happen so today, we rode up a dirt road to a place Nada had been before to relive her childhood. I was dressed in long pants and a jacket and wore my old shoes. I also took my trusty walking stick in case we ran into any feral dogs. When Nada asked me to stop the bike, she said for me to wait and that she would only be gone for a few minutes. She then disappeared into the forest through a barbed wire fence and I awaited her return. I thought that she wanted to make sure there was no landowner in the vicinity and that having a Farang along may have made things more difficult to explain. Thirty minutes went by before she returned...a huge smile and a plastic bag half full of mushrooms and bamboo to show for her efforts. She was pleased with her haul until she saw my face and realised that I wasn't so impressed. I made the mistake of thinking that a few minutes would be no longer than five minutes, but apparently in Thailand, a few minutes is closer to half an hour. I do understand why she didn't take me along, and that she only had my best interests at heart. You see, Nada is a strong woman who has been trekking in the hills of Thailand her entire life. On the other hand, I'm an overweight and sometimes clumsy Farang, who may have slipped and possibly hurt my bad knee. There's no doubt I would have had trouble getting under that barbed wire fence (although I would have made it even if it killed me), and in Nada's mind, I was much better off waiting for her to do her thing by the relative safety of the roadside. Upon her return, she did try and make up for her 'error' by saying we could go for a walk along an easier path than she had just negotiated, but I wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to go home and I've been sulking ever since. Tonight, Nada cooked me some lovely food, gave me a foot massage and is doing her best to lift me out of the doldrums. The problem is, the truth hurts...and Nada's concern for me was justified. The mind wants to go where the body probably shouldn't, and even though I'm sure I would have been OK, there was still some damage done to me today...and it wasn't physical, but mental. Getting old really sucks. |
| I'm not trying to make anyone jealous, but today in Hua Hin was as close to perfect as you will find. Thailand really is turning it on for the start of the high season. It's not too hot, but still warm enough to avoid the midday sun. The mornings and afternoons are to die for. Nights are still a little balmy, and we continue to use the aircon until around 5.00 am when I get up to use the bathroom and turn the AC off, leaving the pedestal fan on until we wake up later in the morning. I met Nada on the 7th of September...nine weeks ago today. Time is a funny thing. Nine weeks is not a long time to get to know someone and fall in love, and yet, that's exactly what has happened to us. It feels a lot longer for both of us. As the day's roll by, we have gone from infatuation to admiration, and now, onto something much deeper. Even our lovemaking has become less frantic and more passionate. I am a very happy man indeed. I wonder if there has ever been a case where someone (like me) who 'suffers' from a chronic case of drug-induced psychosis, only experiences positive effects from the condition. I've mentioned previously that when I am out walking and my knee injury flares up, all I need to do is ask Angel if she can help and the pain subsides almost immediately. If this happened only once or twice, I could understand it being mind over matter, but (and I say this with all honesty) it happens 100% of the time. I accept that psychosomatics is the most likely answer...a psychological placebo that creates a reality where my pain disappears. I once (jokingly) asked Angel if she could do a complete knee replacement, but she only smiled, before her eyes went side to side indicating that even she has her limits. Yesterday, I hurt my back. It was only a slight strain and is something that happens now and then. Then last night as I settled into bed, I closed my eyes and asked (silently so Nada couldn't hear) if Angel would help, and a minute later, the pain eased. I really don't care how it happens, only that it does. We went to the markets this afternoon, and on the way, we stopped at a barber shop so I could have my hair cut. I hadn't shaved in two days, so I also got the barber to shave my face. It was the first time in my life I've had someone shave me. It was an awesome experience, and for 180 baht (US$5), I'll be making it a regular thing. |
| Today was another great day exploring the countryside around Hua Hin. We visited a temple complex called Wat Pa Ban Walai, which is about a twenty-minute motorbike ride on the road to Pa La U Waterfall. It's an interesting place, with several temples and small houses dotted throughout the grounds. The whole place is situated on the side of a mountain and has a tropical feel. In one of the buildings, the mummified body of a revered monk who died thirty years ago lays in a glass case. For some reason, his skin is black. In late January every year, the monks remove his body from the case and dress him in new robes. On our way back, we went to Market Village (the largest of two local shopping malls) to get a few things. Whilst there, we had a late lunch in the food court. The food there is cheap and tasty. By coincidence, we sat at the same table as we had a few weeks before, and as I ate my food, I watched people going about their business (rather than staring at my phone like everyone else). It was then I noticed a Farang coming down the escalator. There was nothing unusual about him except I had seen the same guy three weeks before coming down the same escalator and wearing the same Pink Floyd T-shirt. A coincidence? I can accept that, but what are the chances of it happening? I must admit, I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist. UAPs are my favourite subject, especially since I filmed something strange in the night sky a few months ago. It may have been a drone, but it was very high, and the way it shimmered and changed colour, wasn't like any drone I've seen before. Another thing I question is why cigarettes and alcohol are legal, yet other drugs are banned. The hypocrisy of this fact has always made me go, "Hmmm," considering how lethal they are in the long term. Population and wealth control? Get people from mostly lower socioeconomic groups addicted to substances that generate huge profits and won't kill them whilst they can work and pay taxes. But then, at some point after retirement, when they become a burden, their habit kills them...if they live that long. As I sat thinking about the fellow in the Pink Floyd shirt appearing again, I began looking for other telltale signs of life on repeat. Over the last six months, I've begun to notice faces in the crowd that look similar to one another. A racist comment would be to say that all Asians look alike, and that's what I am seeing. Or perhaps I have pareidolia, which may explain why, whenever I close my eyes, I see the eyes and face of a demon/entity. There's a saying/joke that goes, reality is an illusion caused by not taking drugs. While most people would say that isn't funny (or true), after my experiences whilst under the influence, I cannot help but wonder if psychoactive drugs may cause hallucinations that allow our conscious minds to see an alternative reality...either that or the doctors are correct and I am simply suffering from psychosis. In any case, I think it is a good idea to keep an open mind on things. Just because someone tells you this or that, doesn't necessarily mean it's true. |
| There are many things a man can do to remain attractive/loveable to his partner. I think buying flowers ranks pretty low on the list of things a man can do to spark the look from his lover that he craves. The reason I put the act of buying flowers so low is because they are too convenient and could be seen as an afterthought, or worse...that he is only doing it to get something in return. Things that sparkle may have more impact, but cannot (and should not) be given often for obvious reasons. They say the sexiest man in the world regularly wears an apron, and helping with the housework is a no-brainer when it comes to impressing the woman we love. But again, women are not stupid and will see right through our kind gesture if it's only done in exchange for sex. If a man is smart, he can usually get what he wants simply by showing his partner that he loves and desires her. The fact is that if it is more sex we want, we don't have to buy it by giving gifts, but we do need to earn it. Telling her she is sexy is great, but our desire for her body isn't enough and we need to express gratitude for all the things she brings to our life. I know it's early days for Nada and me, but I am acutely aware that I need to be receptive to her moods and act appropriately. Pressure to have sex is the biggest turn-off. And not just for women but for men as well. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't plan ahead when I'm feeling amorous. Foreplay begins WAY before I say anything suggestive. I can easily let her know I'm in the mood without saying a word. Complimenting Nada on her cooking skills and telling her how sexy she is throughout the day should not just be me laying down the platform, but needs to be the truth, otherwise, she will see right through me and my plans to have my way with her. Trust within a relationship is paramount, and without it, there really isn't much a man can do to get what he wants...and I'm not just referring to sex. I believe that a bitter truth will result in a better outcome than a sweet lie. And even though it might seem like the right thing to do at the time, lies will only bring heartbreak and sorrow to a relationship. "Does my bum look big in these pants?" It's a question that IMO should never be asked of a man because all it does is put him on the spot...especially if the bum does look big in whatever she is wearing. Nada and I have already been through this scenario and I told her that there are some pants she has that look better on her than others. That's the truth. There is always a way to deal with situations like that without causing harm to a woman's self-esteem...which if handled badly, will inevitably lessen her desire for sex. But still, asking questions like that can be a sign of insecurity. Let's face it, men are not the only ones who want a good sexual relationship with their partners, and if a woman seeks more sex it's more important that she feels sexy, rather than fitting into any stereotype of what society has convinced her IS sexy. And finally, the best way for me to make Nada want me is to make her laugh. I admit that is more of a challenge than it was in my previous relationships due to the language barrier preventing my words from having the desired effect on her. So, I now resort to more visual comedy. I'm a natural-born clown, and acting may have been something I could have been good at. I take a leaf from some of the comedians I grew up watching. My Mom was British, and people like Tommy Cooper, Dave Allen and Benny Hill could make their audiences laugh without saying a word. I never could have imagined that they would help me get laid long after their time had passed. |
| Today was a beautiful day in Hua Hin. The rain had gone and the sun was shining. After breakfast, Nada and I decided to go to a temple called Phra That Doi Thap Chang which is high up in the mountains thirty-minutes ride away from home. When we arrived (unbeknown to us) there was a celebration going on called the Kathin Robe Offering. I'm unsure what it's all about, but there were a lot of solemn-looking people and monks saying prayers over a loudspeaker. We made an offering (cash), lit a candle and burned some incense in the temple. Apparently, the money will be used to build a new, even bigger temple, which has already begun construction on top of the next hill. There were six unusual human-like statues surrounding the main temple. Two of them were male but had drooping breasts. I laughed at them, before asking Nada if they were ugly ladyboys. I've never seen her look so serious. She then told me they were ghosts that haunt the grounds and that they didn't like people poking fun at them...SHIT. Still not taking things too seriously, I told Nada that perhaps my ghost (Angel) might like to stay there with the six others. It was then that I looked down and we were standing in the middle of a mosaic depicting a Yin and Yang. I rolled up the right sleeve of my jacket and revealed to Nada a Yin and Yang tattoo on my inner forearm...spooky or what? LOL. On the way home, we called into some markets and I was the only Farang there. Coming from Australia, where I spent a lifetime as a Caucasian majority, there's something quite strange about suddenly becoming part of a minority group. I will often complain to Nada about how Thais see and treat foreigners as second-class citizens, but at the markets today, I enjoyed standing out in the crowd. Even at the temple, I was the only Farang in sight and instead of feeling awkward, I danced to the music...much to the amusement of one of the monks. I've written quite a few jokes and one day, I hope to do some stand-up comedy...which may help explain this unusual hunger for the spotlight. |
| Nada owns a fourteen-year-old Honda Scoopy that's done 450k kilometres. Last week, we went to our local Honda Dealership and I bought her a brand-new Scoopy. My BMW isn't practical for us to go to the markets and it puts my mind at ease when she rides out the gate on a reliable bike (not to mention it helps to keep the mileage low on my bike). I could have put the Scoopy in my name, but I figure it's time I started putting some faith in this relationship. It cost 55k baht (around US$1600), and because she is Thai, she negotiated the price down more than I could have. I am putting my trust in her and seeing what she does with it. I would prefer to lose a motorbike than a house if things end up going bad. Nada has gifted her old bike to her older sister, who lives in Roi Et, in Isan Province. We dropped the bike off at a bus depot today, where it was loaded onto a bus to be delivered in the morning. The rain has finally cleared, only to be replaced by humidity. We turned on the aircon this afternoon for the first time in a week and it will be on tonight when we go to sleep. When Nada's period is due, she has trouble sleeping, and over the last few nights, she has resorted to going into one of the spare bedrooms and sleeping on the tiled floor. There's a bed in the other spare room, but she says it comforts her to sleep on the hard floor because it takes her back to her childhood. I just made a joke, saying that she wouldn't be leaving our air-conditioned room tonight, no matter how nostalgic she becomes. The symptoms of psychosis are diminishing to the point where I rarely 'talk' to Angel anymore. I'm finding it harder to see her in my field of vision, and nowadays, I only think of her when I lay down to go to sleep. Three months ago (and pretty much from when I arrived in Thailand), she appeared vividly every night, but since the arrival of Nada, Angel has taken a back seat in my life. Perhaps loneliness was a factor in why she was always around. How long it has been since I last used meth may also be why I no longer see her when the lights go out. In any case, I'm glad that part of my life is behind me. |
| We had a pretty dry wet season here in Hua Hin, but since winter arrived, it has rained almost every day. Around 4.00 am, I wake to the first rumbles of thunder. I get up and go to the bathroom, and on my way back to bed, I close one of my bedroom windows (the one with only a small soffit above it). Then, as I lay down in bed, the approaching storm lulls me back to sleep. It's moments like this that make me appreciate retirement. Before I became a caregiver for my parents, I drove a truck delivering hire equipment to builders. I remember mornings like this when I would wake up to the sound of rain and couldn't go back to sleep because I was dreading what the day would bring. These days, as I sit on the loo listening to the first drops of rain hitting the roof, all I feel is contentment. Knowing that Nada's warm body and our comfortable bed are just a few steps away, helps me forget my past challenges and realise just how lucky I am to be here in Thailand. Nada has a fever this morning. I'm guessing that she is about to get her period. In the days leading up to her period, she gets very emotional. As I hugged her and wiped away her tears, I did what I do best and made her laugh. I realise it's all I can do to help her through. I'm still teaching Nada English and one of the lessons coincidentally includes the quote...'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain'. We were going to go to the grocery store at Blueport today, but it can wait until tomorrow. I have enough of the items I can only get there on hand. The afternoons are generally clear of rain, and there are two Seven-11 stores, a mini Big C and fresh food markets all within five minutes of our house. I've ordered Nada to go back to bed, which gives me a chance to write this post and catch up with the latest news. I'm not going to whine about the US election result. The hope is that it won't have a huge effect on me here in Thailand. It's not my country anyway. Yes, I'm disappointed that a person who lacks morality...who in his closing speech simulated giving the microphone a blow job, could become the leader of the free world, but it's water under the bridge now. I cannot help but think this marks a huge change (and not for the better) for everyone, and not just for the citizens of the US. I could be wrong, and I pray that I am. That's all I have to say on the matter. |
| Growing up in rural Thailand, Nada never had a TV or the time to watch one if she did. She led a simple life, cooking and cleaning when she wasn't at school. I'm still surprised at how little she knows about the world outside of Thailand. I keep searching for things we can relate to. Nada knows nothing about Western music, world history or current affairs. When I spoke to her about the current election in the US, she had never even heard the name Donald Trump, let alone Kamala Harris. If I mention democracy, dictatorships and the threat of nuclear war, all receive the same blank stare. In a way, I envy her, but I have to admit it is hard to be with someone who cannot express their opinion on much more than food preparation and good presentation outside the home. Nada may not be able to hold a conversation on world affairs, but she does have feelings and is a very sensitive human being. She loves me a lot, and although it would be nice to have an in-depth conversation with her, I wouldn't change a thing about Nada. My girlfriend is vibrant and sexy. She works hard and loves her son and in all honesty, I am lucky to have met someone like her...in a country that is renowned for the girlfriend/Farang scam. Yesterday, I found her listening to a YouTube channel that teaches Thais how to speak English. I was pretty impressed because she could have been looking at other, not so helpful to our relationship, content. She understands how important communication is to me, and is making an effort to improve her vocabulary...and for that, I am thankful. |
| A power cut that lasted for a fraction of a second just cost me two hours of work writing a post. It's been a while since that happened, and a lesson has been learned. It isn't the time lost, it's the fact that the only thing I can replicate is the title (and I won't even do that)...the rest simply won't be the same. During the eight years I was alone, I contemplated what kind of relationship I wanted once I found someone and fell in love. Of course, no one can foresee the future, and I couldn't have imagined finding Nada and what this relationship has been so far. It was more of a case of becoming the kind of man I needed to be in order to make a decent go of it. Quitting drugs was first and foremost in my plan. Remembering the lessons and mistakes from my past relationships was also something I spent a lot of time thinking about. After just two months together, the reality of being with someone is hitting home. I knew it was coming and have been preparing myself as best as possible for it. Sex is a great distraction and an important part of any successful relationship. We are settling into the routine of living together. It's a partnership based on trust and we are both committed to making it work. The biggest challenge we face is communication, but there are always going to be issues...it's just the way it is when in a relationship. Bettina Arndt is an Australian writer and commentator who specialises in sex and gender issues. She has studied hundreds of couples trying to find out why it is that so many long-term relationships are either unhappy or end in divorce. Of course, there are many reasons this happens, but she advocates one simple thing to bring more joy to these otherwise unhappy people. Bettina is a big fan of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship between couples. Men, especially, suffer when sex becomes a chore for their partners and she has a catchphrase for women who want more than someone to take out the garbage..."Just do it". I know it isn't that simple...that there can be factors such as past abuse, cheating or simply not being attracted to their partners anymore. If you have a few moments spare and want to learn more about what men want (and if the answer is that you don't care, then that pretty much sums up what kind of future your relationship will have), then check out her videos on YouTube. Funnily enough, after watching a BA video, YouTube's AI showed me a video from the 40s called, 'It Ain't Gonna Sck Itself'...an early version of marriage counselling that's both funny and entertaining. Yesterday, Nada and I went for a ride to Khao Sam Roi National Park and climbed to Khao Daeng Viewpoint. It wasn't an easy trail, but we got up and down in a couple of hours. Today, we are both feeling it. I'm struggling mentally with losing the work I did. This post doesn't come close and I apologise for its lack of quality content. Nada is hoping she can alleviate my sorrow by cooking me a lovely 'runch'. I'm going to end it here and try and forget my disappointment...after all, it isn't like posting is the be-all and end-all in life. |
| Tomorrow is Nada's forty-eighth birthday, so we went shopping so I could buy her a present. After visiting several shops, I got her a watch—nothing outlandishly expensive, just a nice, reasonably-priced piece that looks great on her slender wrist. On our way home, we called into the local market to buy fruit and vegetables. I really enjoy the atmosphere there. It's a very different kind of crowd than at the mall we had just left. Nada and I are so in love. I think some people we see out and about can sense this as they tend to smile at us. I always attempt to participate in the banter between Nada and the market stall owners. I only know a few words of Thai, but it's enough, along with facial expressions, to appear more than just an arrogant Farang who doesn't even want to try. Nada is from Isan. They have their own kind of food and I have to admit that I am not a fan. Today, as we walked around the stalls, one in particular got Nada's attention. On the table, there was a sealed bag that contained a bright green fluid, and when my girlfriend saw it, her eyes lit up. She spoke excitedly to the old couple who were selling the stuff, before I said to them in English, "Isan food"...then shook my head and made a horrible face. They laughed (because few Westerners enjoy their cultural cuisine), and then, as we walked away, Nada explained that it was made from trees and just how good for the body it is. Tomorrow night we are going to celebrate Nada's birthday at the same restaurant we went to for my birthday. It's an all-you-can-eat affair, where they place a small BBQ on the table where you cook your food. There's a vast selection including seafood, pork and chicken...followed by an array of different flavoured ice cream. It's been almost two months since Nada and I met, although it feels a lot longer than that. We are still adjusting. My snoring sometimes keeps Nada awake, and her lack of English, at times, causes me frustration. I'm taking the time to teach her to be more fluent, even though I think her pronunciation of some words is so cute. And even though I know what she is saying, I understand it is better to try and improve her speech than to be entertained by it. |
| I haven't written a static item in some time. Creativity used to ebb and flow according to how deep into the binge I was...and how happy or sad I was in general. These days, most of my creative energy is spent here on the blog. Coming up with new stuff to write about, in my mind, shouldn't be a forced thing. I believe that if I have nothing worthwhile to say, and try to say something anyway, that will transcribe onto the 'page'...and that simply will not do. Because I have a reasonable backlog of work, in these lacklustre moments, I will at times, copy-paste from my port to here. This serves two purposes. The first is to relieve me of the burden (and you of the mediocrity) of trying to find something...anything...to post simply for the sake of it. The second, and for me, more appealing reason for using this tactic, is the hope that the extract may be entertaining enough to bring more readers to my port. Before I joined WdC the first time, I sat in my bedroom and wrote stuff that no one but my Mom heard. This went on for a year before I searched for and found this site. Then, I began posting my work. I stayed for a year or two before I told a member, who I had befriended, that I had relapsed. When things soured between us, he threatened to expose my drug use to my local police. Because of this, I panicked and closed my account. I stayed away for a year before returning. I was sober then, which gave me the courage to talk publicly about my drug use, but it wasn't long until I relapsed again. It was then I had to decide whether to hide my shame or confess to the world. At that time, WakeUpAndLive and I had become friends. I told her about my relapse and she suggested I begin blogging. She even created the blog's name for me...thank you P...I will always be indebted to you for your support back then, which continues today. I decided to be completely honest in writing about my journey...writing which at times, can be brutal for me to go back and read. There have been so many people who have shared their thoughts with me over the last three years, and to all those who have shown me support, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know and appreciate how lucky I am to have found this site and the majority of members who have not judged me, and instead, supported a complete stranger, who, let's face it, didn't always make the best choices. I look back now and wonder (going by the previous post)...how could think of using meth again? I have to face that I will always be at risk. All it takes is one drink for an alcoholic to fall off the wagon, and it is no different for me. Knowing my triggers and not putting myself in harm's way is so important. Writing about my life on this blog is also a good way to remain grounded. Thank you to everyone who comes here and shows an interest in my life. |
| "Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe"...Mark Twain. I try not to worry, although, to a certain extent, most people do. I may or may not have upcoming immigration issues. I shouldn't be too concerned because I know that as long as I don't overstay my visa, commit crimes, and follow the rules, any issues I may face will be easily sorted in the usual Thai fashion: pay what is asked and smile as I do it. Because of these negative thoughts, I've been considering what to do if Thailand refuses to renew my visa in June 2025...a Plan B of sorts. Many countries around the world welcome ex-pats, and some even allow foreigners to purchase freehold properties. Malaysia is the only country in SE Asia where I can own both land and buildings. There are also options in some South American countries. I know there's a long time to go before any possible problems arise, and in the meantime, I need to relax and enjoy my retirement one day at a time..but it's still playing on my mind. I could always go back to Australia, and that got me thinking. If I were to return, how long could I hold out before relapsing? The truth is I would be thinking about scoring on the flight home. I don't think I would last but a few days before falling back into my addiction. This is something I need to address. I have to admit that I've run away from my problems, but as yet, haven't addressed them fully...otherwise, I wouldn't be so sure about what I would do upon my return. The funny thing is that if I wanted meth...or Ice as it is known here in Thailand, the place is flooded with the stuff. All I would need to do is walk into a bar, talk to some girls and ask for it, and it wouldn't take long before I would be high again. I understand that would be a big mistake...not just for my mental and physical health, but because getting caught by police with drugs here is no laughing matter and could result in going to a Thai prison for a very long time. That deterrent is one of the reasons I wanted to come here in the first place. In Australia, meth is super expensive, but getting caught in possession of small quantities, and a fine is all anyone will face. Prisons there are already overcrowded (mostly by drug offenders) and the fear of being arrested by police isn't much of a deterrent to anyone addicted to meth. When police become aware of drug user's activities, they will only target the dealers, leaving the majority of small-time users alone because it isn't worth their time to process them all. Add to that the cost of living and Australia simply isn't an option worth considering. The good news is I will not take meth today, and I'm pretty sure I won't tomorrow either. It would be good for me to find a therapist. I still have psychosis. The hallucinations have remained constant for many months now, and I would like to talk to somebody about it. I've tried to explain it to Nada, but it isn't fair on her to say too much, so I don't. I don't see psychosis as the issue anyway, and if anything, knowing what awaits me if I do use meth again is almost as much of a deterrent as going to prison. Why I feel the need to get high is the real question. I kinda know, but I don't want to take a medication when talk therapy is a better way to go. |
| Forget about fad diets and vigorous exercise routines because I've found the fastest (but not the best) way to lose weight...come to Thailand and poop those kilos away. I'm finally through the worst of my 'illness', and after three days of having diarrhea, I feel pretty good. I admit there were moments when I felt sorry for myself, but looking back, I know how lucky I am to not have experienced any other symptoms normally associated with this affliction. All I had was a runny bum and a mild headache. There was no vomiting and overall, I didn't suffer too much. I did, however, lose some weight, and as the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. Nada is also battling, although it isn't a physical condition she is facing, but a mental one. Her problem is impossible for me to imagine. My beautiful girlfriend is forty-seven and is fast approaching menopause. She's beginning to go grey, and despite my kind words and support, she is becoming obsessed with this 'issue'. I know there's not a lot I can say or do that will change her attitude towards aging, after all, how can I possibly know what she is going through? So, as we lay in bed this morning, instead of trying to comfort her (as I have been doing), I told her the story of her and I...and just how lucky we are to have met one another. I told her that when she first noticed me, I was like a diamond on the ground that was all covered in dirt. She saw something that day...a glint that reflected in the sunlight. She had no idea then what she held in her hand, but she does now. I told her that I also found something special, but that I knew immediately what it was because she radiated everything I had ever dreamed of. I told her that we had been brought together by God...and that no amount of grey hair would change how I felt about her. Then, I decided to give her the push that she needed. I told her that I was not responsible for her happiness...and it wasn't my job to prop up her ego. "Look at what we have, Nada. Look around you and appreciate what we have. Don't let these feelings you have take away from this moment. We have each other and no matter what life throws at us, together, we will get through. You have a beautiful heart, Nada, and no matter how old you get, that will never change." I know that what I told her will have only a limited impact. This is her battle, not mine, and all I can do is offer support and love her as best as I can. In time, she will accept what life has in store for her...what choice does she have? It's hard to know how much of what I say she truly understands because we speak different languages, and Nada's English is only just good enough for us to get by. But I do know one thing, no matter how difficult it is for us to effectively communicate when I kiss Nada, she understands me just fine. |
| The next day after I ate Nada's Papaya salad, I had (and still have) a severe case of diarrhea. It's impossible to know what exactly is the cause of my affliction, but I suspect, despite her denial, that she has used tap water at some point during the process and this has caused my intestines to react. She may have thought that a final rinse of the salad ingredients with bottled water would alleviate any danger. She's been exposed to certain water-borne pathogens her whole life, and this may explain why she isn't sick like I am. Of course, I may be barking up the wrong tree with this theory. We have only just returned from a trip where I came into contact with many people, and a virus may be the cause of this thing I have. The funny part is that I don't feel too bad, and the only other symptom I have is a mild headache (which may be a result of dehydration). Nada isn't sick, but she only a small amount of the salad. She is used to the water and can probably tolerate more exposure to untreated water than I can. The other theory is that one or more of the ingredients in the salad have caused the reaction. In any case, after two days, and having only soiled myself twice, I've learned my lesson. No more salads for me. In the seven months I've been in Thailand, street food has never made me sick, and my guess is that's because the food has been thoroughly cooked and any nasties killed in the process. Australia has stringent health regulations when it comes to food, and if Thailand's vendors were to operate there, they would be shut down in an instant. And yet, from what I have seen and experienced, nobody is falling ill from consuming street food. However, the road toll here is astronomical and it makes me wonder why the Thai government doesn't do more to curb the behaviour of many drivers and bike riders. I'm still shocked by the way people drive their cars and motorcyclists take risks by overtaking in the most dangerous fashion, just to try and save a few minutes...and the majority don't wear helmets. I've noticed a lot more foreigners who choose to not wear helmets now too. Oh, they look cool, but even a minor accident without the protection of a helmet can be catastrophic. For many travellers that come to Thailand, common sense gets left behind in their own countries. From what I can gather, health insurers do not cover motorbike accidents. And whilst Thailand is a cheap place to live, hospitalisation here is far from cheap...assuming the person involved lives to tell the tale that is. |
| Thank you for giving me this in-depth and insightful answer...I appreciate what you have said...Neil. As a woman of faith (and not religion) I will answer your question to the best of my ability and belief about Nada not knowing about Jesus and what eventually happens to her. Jesus is the son of God, but God is the mighty power and judge. Even as the judge, I believe God is kind and compassionate, and He understands not only our shortcomings, because He made us, but also our attributes and gifts. God won’t cast away anyone with a kind heart and loving soul who has treated others well, just because they don’t know who He is or who His son Jesus is. I don’t subscribe to the hellfire and damnation crap some extremists claim as truth in the name of religion. Most belief systems have faith in a higher power. They may not use the name God, but the idea is essentially the same. It’s the way a culture interprets the idea of a loving and powerful spiritual entity. God may very well be all of those various entities. What I believe is that God is love. Where there is love, there’s evidence of God. I have a diverse faith…faith in God, and also faith in Mother Earth. There is a power within the natural world that is not often recognized by common society. I think if Nada has a kind heart, and she acts with good intentions towards others, she’s going to a beautiful, loving place after she passes from this world…a place that people of faith look forward to, because it’s nothing like here…a place of intense beauty and immense love…a place where we are reunited with loved ones who have gone before us. After my boyfriend passed on, he confirmed to me the presence of an afterlife. It brought me great comfort during my time of mourning. |
| Today, at the market, Nada and I bought vegetables to make Papaya Salad, along with sticky rice that we will have for dessert. Normally, we also get mangoes to have with the sticky rice, but mangoes are out of season right now. When we got back, I was putting things away in the fridge when I realised I had dates, and their sweetness would go well with the sticky rice. As I cut the dates into smaller pieces, I quipped that Jesus lived on dates while he was alone in the desert. Nada looked at me briefly with a puzzled expression, so I asked the obvious question. "You do know who Jesus is, right?" I've never met anyone before who has never heard of Jesus. Then, as I explained exactly who he was, I could see her becoming impatient. After all, I was delaying her from her favourite thing in the world...preparing food for the man she loves. I let her get back to it, but I wanted to know more about her belief system. So, I'm presently asking her questions she can answer 'qwickwy', as she would put it (God, she is so cute). First of all, I asked about her going to temples in the past. It turns out that Nada used to be a more devout Buddhist than she is now, so I asked her why that is. She stated that Buddhism has become a big business here, and she believes that an element of corruption has crept into the many big temples that are prolific all over Thailand. How poignant that her opinion reflects that of my own regarding organised religion. The amount of money generated by these large and well-organised churches has seen many become corrupt. Many of the people who once flocked to sermons and filled the pews of these large monolithic structures (places that, in my opinion, Jesus, if he does return to Earth again, wouldn't be seen in), in my opinion, find them less relevant than in the past. Smaller, family-focused places of worship are, to me, of more value than churches where tithing (and other methods of gaining wealth), and the wealth that is generated, is hoarded, not for the good of the community, but for the love of money itself...a sin that cannot be denied. I ask any Christian the question, what will happen to Nada when she dies? A beautiful soul who has never even heard of Jesus let alone the word of God. Will she be condemned to hell simply because she has never had the opportunity to hear the word and make her choice on whether she believes Jesus died for our sins? A choice that so many believe is crucial in determining their, and everyone else's fate after we die? A question I have asked many times, and so far, not one person of faith has been able (or wanted) to answer. For the moment, Nada is happy to take care of me. Ignorance is bliss, and these (mostly) rhetorical questions I ask are not relevant to her...and I for one am glad that is so. |
| Nada is happiest when she's in the kitchen. Nothing floats her boat more than getting on her scooter and heading to the fresh food markets with recipes for the night's meal in mind. I often go with her, but today, I decided to stay home after the trip to Chon Buri had worn me out. The good thing about Nada's preoccupation with preparing food is that nothing floats my boat more than watching her ride away on her motorbike when she is heading to the markets. I know that upon her return, she will have several dishes to cook for us over the coming days. Tonight when she arrived home, she had vegetables and shrimp to make Tom Yum Goong soup. She also had a kilo of squid for tomorrow night's meal, which will use some leftover shrimp combined with squid for a seafood hotpot. And for dessert tonight, we are having coconut sticky rice. When I arrived in Thailand only seven months ago, I weighed 92kg. My ideal weight should be no more than 80kg, but if I went to a doctor who uses the BMI, I'd be told to lose around a third of my body weight to be in a healthy weight range. I've been steadily putting on weight since my arrival (and having Nada around hasn't helped), and the last time I weighed myself, I was 99kg...or just below 220lbs. Nada loves me very much (and I her). Going back two posts ago, I spoke of her fear that if I leave the house and don't present well, it will reflect badly on her. Now, I have discovered a new fear she has...if I appear too thin, people (Thai women) will see me and think Nada doesn't take good care of me. I cannot hold my girlfriend completely accountable for my being overweight. Yes, she does try and feed me continuously, but it should be up to me to say enough. The problem is that Nada has spent a lifetime cooking delicious food for the people she loves (and has worked in restaurants as well), and when the aroma of her cooking hits my nose, my mouth begins to salivate and I'm simply not able to control myself and eat small portions. My excuse is that I don't want to disappoint my beautiful girlfriend, especially after she has spent so much time preparing food for me. I guess I'm just going to have to accept that my girlfriend is loving me to death. |
| It's been three months since I last visited Bangkok, and just like the last time I was there, I couldn't wait to leave. As Nada and I waited in Bangkok for the connecting bus that was taking us to Chon Buri (where her seventeen-year-old son goes to school) I wouldn't describe what was going on with me as a panic attack, but with the amount of people, the noise and the heavy traffic in the area around the bus depot, I was feeling some degree of anxiety. I was meeting her son for the first time. He's a good kid who has three years to go before completing his training to become a mechanic. The hotel Nada and I stayed at was below standard. It was supposed to be three-star but fell well short (in my opinion). I'm glad we were only staying one night. I won't bore you with the details, other than to say I will be doing a review and it won't be complimentary. I believe feedback for the establishment is important when the experience is below par...and when it's above standard, sharing that with the public is what I consider my job as a Google Local Guide. We just got home after spending most of the day travelling. I was up late last night and had an early morning this morning. After a shower (to wash off the filth and grime that seems to accumulate on the skin after visiting a large city like Bangkok), I'm going to bed...and God help anyone who dares to wake me up before 8.00 am tomorrow. |
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I also have no plans for January yet. 
Up for a visit?