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Just my opinions and outlook on life |
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The end of 2020 The very first entry I made for The Writer’s Cramp was my best. It tied for the win and I was happy about that but it really made no difference to me. It was a poem written after Thanksgiving about my own recovery from addiction. That was 26 years ago and it totally changed my life. I checked myself into Drug Rehabilitation when I first realized that I might have a problem with substance abuse. I had no idea what changes that one incident would make in my life. When I was discharged, I had a lot of major decisions to make and the poem spoke to how conflicted I still was. The prompt was Closely Watched Trains. It was easy to take that one and run with it. After all, trains take you places and where you go can change your life forever. My journey had just begun. Closely Watched Trains I stand alone in blinding rain, waiting on an unknown train. My future life, a choice to make. Only one I can take. Two tickets lay in my hand, don’t know where to stand. One path leads to a familiar past. Comfort once lost; now peace might last. The other takes me far away. Unknown future, a bright new day? Strangers can become friends. A new life, old wounds can mend. Last time I waited on a train, a filthy walkway, urine stains. Crying frightened, shameful tears, burdened with pain, unknown fears. The smut on me wouldn’t wash away. In pores so deep, I had to stay. If I hung in, worked the steps. A cluttered mess might bring rest. Been running too long and fast, towards a certain fatal crash. Smoke the gin, drink the powder, Alice of Wonderland in troubled water. I did hard work, washed my stains. Princess in a castle, I glow, no shame. I found answers for all asked of me, climbed the Magic Beanstalk tree. Now, I wait on my wish filled train. I pray a light shines true in dark rain. God, I have come a long, long way. I need to love myself enough to stay. By Kathie Stehr 11/27/2020 Learning to love myself enough to make necessary decisions was the key to future happiness. If you don’t love yourself enough then you cannot love other important people in your life. I left a marriage that I knew was over after twenty years. We had two children together and were happy for many years so it was devastating to even think about starting over. Our lives had changed so much over those years. Now, instead of working together, we were destroying our lives and it was affecting the kids. I also ended up leaving my job as a registered nurse because the stress of all of it: the marriage, the job and no time for my children was taking a terrible toll. I had been diagnosed with a neurological disease that was painful and hard to deal with for me and my family. The final straw was taking medication for the symptoms and making the potentially harmful mistake of mixing it with alcohol. Thankfully I only did this when I wasn't working but if I had continued, I would have made mistakes at work and could have hurt or killed someone. Working with the hospital, I tried different areas to go back to work but could not physically do it. I applied for and got on the hospital's disability benefit. This step began a whole new way to live an even better life. I helped with the national organization for dystonia, became a support group leader, I also was a motivational speaker that traveled the country to talk at our national symposiums with physicians and scientists. It was a different way of being a nurse/caretaker by taking caring of me first then other people who needed information and guidance. I loved meeting the people and the symptoms, that I was trying to cover up at work, showed others I was just like them. I could give them hope. I remarried, in time, to a man who loves me and helped me with my volunteer work. He has been by my side for surgeries and many painful procedures. Of course, I have reciprocated for him but it is hard to deal with a partner with physical disabilities. We have been together for over twenty-five years and have a large combined family who love each other. I will be 68 in 2021 and we are enjoying a more laid back retired life. All of us should constantly take an inventory of our lives. How are we living them? Are we serving ourselves or others? I believe we are put on this Earth to help others and we must be willing and honest to do that. I follow the principles of AA and NA and it hasn't let me down. It is progress not perfection, like a marriage. If you make a mistake, you own it and begin again. I hope any future entries I make are as true to my convictions as this one was. Fiction is fine and I enjoy it. All writing comes from the inner well of wisdom that says so much about its’ author. I try to end all my writing on an optimistic note. I want to grow in my writing, sometimes I touch my inner feelings more than others and this was one that did. It was a great prompt. 2020 has been a very hard year for more people than I can ever remember. There are so many people out there that are ill, have lost someone they love, can't feed their families and are falling into the darkness of addiction. I pray for all of them and do what I can. I wish for the judges and all the people that belong to Writing.com that they are at peace within themselves and bring more joy to this planet than they take from it. I know I have to make that choice every day, to spread love and remain sober. I wish you all a happy new year, may it be a much better year for all. Thanks for letting me be a part of this family. Kathie Stehr December 31, 2020 ** Image ID #2267445 Unavailable ** |
| Write about your first __________. Loss of innocence about our world. I felt magical sparks in the very air around me the summer of 1968. Sweet fifteen and the world was exciting, changing and deadly. It was a time for awakening of hormones and finding my place in a changing crazy world. I saw myself as a caged blackbird wanting to spread my wings and try to fly. My parents were eagles watching me closely. Then I saw Franco Zeffrelis film “Romeo and Juliet” and realized I wasn’t too young. That summer, a beautiful boy looked at me with soulful eyes and I recognized those delicious butterflies. We were at a church camp that I had been going to every summer since I was ten. This same boy who had blended in with other pimply pests with farting and spit ball contests suddenly looked well........hot and interesting. Murray Webster was a combination of The Who’s beautiful Roger Daltry and intelligent suave David McCallum (“The Man from U.n.c.l.e.”’s Illya Kuryakin ). Their posters lined my wall from “Tiger Beat” magazine. The camp was located in the beautiful mountains of North Carolina. We boarded a bus from Atlanta at seven in the morning for a lovely five hour ride. There were twelve of us, giggling adolescent girls and sullen boys with our counselors. This year they were a married couple in their twenties. We actually sang war protest songs on the bus along with "We will Overcome!" This was going to be a groovy summer. Usually a middle aged deacon and his kind but “uncool” wife chaperoned us. They were always nice but made sure all rules were followed. It was 1968 and socially everything was changing in the world. This year’s counselors, Greg and Julie, were an example of contemporary America. They were Christians exploring how traditional church fit with modern culture. Greg played guitar and we spent evenings huddled around the fireplace singing folk songs and discussing the lyrics of Phil Ochs, Bob Dylan, Pete Seeger, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. We debated about the Vietnam War and spoke (cried over)the many friends and family that were there. None of us understood the reason our young, mostly working class guys had to go. It was an awful place where the unfair fight was in the jungles. Our troops shot to kill whatever moved and the poor village women and children became targets. So many men and women that made it back weren’t the same anymore. Then there was the unfairness of the ones that got out of the draft due to college or who Daddy was. We actually got to go and see the movie “Romeo and Juliet”, which was very steamy for a movie then. I held damp hands with Murray. One night we snuck out of the cabin and found a porch of one of the unused private cabins. He had gotten some very cheap wine and a blanket. Mostly we kissed and spoke about the stuff we had rapped about with the group. Of course there was making out. But thanks to the counselors we had, we discussed the emotions we were battling with. It was a cool learning experience for me; to be loved but not let it get out of hand. It was a turbulent summer for our country. The killing of MLK and Bobby Kennedy, the bloody raging war on TV and coffins coming home. I had a special male friend in Nam that I waited anxiously for his letters. He came back a very different man than the boy I remembered. He was driving an 18 wheeler, popping bennies to stay awake and taking downers to sleep. We curled up on a blanket in our backyard and he went to sleep. I drifted off also and woke to him screaming at me. It was frightening. The anti-war music stirred our very souls. We wrote protest letters and marched. It was a summer of growing up and losing my innocence about the world around me. |
| I really tried to put up photos but they will not upload. The only difference is they are HCIE not jpg. We had a tree fall into our house one week ago and this is part of the damage our top floor is ruined.The furniture is not a real big deal but this is where I kept my Christmas ornaments that my mom painted and ones that my grandmother handmade. Most of our photographs are up there under a tarp and I can’t get to them. I’m sure they’re water damaged these are all old photos and journals that I wrote and even some that my grandparents kept. The family Bibles are up there. I guess I won’t know, until things get moved, how damaged they are. I know they can’t be repaired and it just breaks my heart. My brain tells me this is just stuff but it means so much.  |
| What was cool when you were young but isn’t cool now? Is there anything that has become cool in recent years that wasn’t cool in your youth? I think the clothing was just different. When I was a teenager, it was Yardley products from England, very short skirts, psychedelic colors, bell bottoms, and girls' hair was long and straight with bangs. The guys were all in garage bands and copied the long hair of rock groups. The language was different with words like groovy, funky, bread, pigs, guys called girls their "old ladies". Feminism was just becoming cool. I remember going to my family physician to get birth control pills. Gloria Steinem was my heroine and Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Joan Didion, Gertrude Stein, Edith Wharton. The drugs were different; you didn't buy prescription stuff for recreational use. Drive-ins were a cool place to go, last row was the best. The music was phenomenal with Pink Floyd, Janis, Jimi, The Doors, and of course Dylan. Concerts were the best and didn't cost $200/seat. I was into anti-war music and poetry-Howard Zinn, Pete Seeger, and Phil Ochs. We all wanted to go to Woodstock. I think some of us were into the car thing ( bigger engine, racing, cool looking cars). Now that is considered polluting the Earth (rightly so). Today, I think it is much easier, I don't know about Cool, but to be L,B,G,T, X. So glad that has changed for many people that were stuck pretending to be someone they weren't. I can't imagine us with the technology that allows selfies that are sexy. I think parents are more friendly and open with their kids now about sex and sharing their own problems. It is cool that kids date, marry, have children across all gender and racial lines which is great. Kids today are more political, knowledge about heroes from all races and aware of care of the planet-also women can shoot for the moon and that is very COOL!!!!Of course the movies, music and social media is much more progressive and open about everything. Kids talk to each other more. Actually, kids are still kids, trying to grow up too fast, think they know it all and they don't. That much hasn't changed. They need limits set for them and the chance to learn responsibility, about their bodies, handling money, spirituality and learn accurate American history in schools. WOW! They are fortunate in many ways and I look forward to watch them change the world into a better peaceful place. Just imagine, all the people living for today, loving each other. COOL!! |
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