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Just my opinions and outlook on life |
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The end of 2020 The very first entry I made for The Writer’s Cramp was my best. It tied for the win and I was happy about that but it really made no difference to me. It was a poem written after Thanksgiving about my own recovery from addiction. That was 26 years ago and it totally changed my life. I checked myself into Drug Rehabilitation when I first realized that I might have a problem with substance abuse. I had no idea what changes that one incident would make in my life. When I was discharged, I had a lot of major decisions to make and the poem spoke to how conflicted I still was. The prompt was Closely Watched Trains. It was easy to take that one and run with it. After all, trains take you places and where you go can change your life forever. My journey had just begun. Closely Watched Trains I stand alone in blinding rain, waiting on an unknown train. My future life, a choice to make. Only one I can take. Two tickets lay in my hand, don’t know where to stand. One path leads to a familiar past. Comfort once lost; now peace might last. The other takes me far away. Unknown future, a bright new day? Strangers can become friends. A new life, old wounds can mend. Last time I waited on a train, a filthy walkway, urine stains. Crying frightened, shameful tears, burdened with pain, unknown fears. The smut on me wouldn’t wash away. In pores so deep, I had to stay. If I hung in, worked the steps. A cluttered mess might bring rest. Been running too long and fast, towards a certain fatal crash. Smoke the gin, drink the powder, Alice of Wonderland in troubled water. I did hard work, washed my stains. Princess in a castle, I glow, no shame. I found answers for all asked of me, climbed the Magic Beanstalk tree. Now, I wait on my wish filled train. I pray a light shines true in dark rain. God, I have come a long, long way. I need to love myself enough to stay. By Kathie Stehr 11/27/2020 Learning to love myself enough to make necessary decisions was the key to future happiness. If you don’t love yourself enough then you cannot love other important people in your life. I left a marriage that I knew was over after twenty years. We had two children together and were happy for many years so it was devastating to even think about starting over. Our lives had changed so much over those years. Now, instead of working together, we were destroying our lives and it was affecting the kids. I also ended up leaving my job as a registered nurse because the stress of all of it: the marriage, the job and no time for my children was taking a terrible toll. I had been diagnosed with a neurological disease that was painful and hard to deal with for me and my family. The final straw was taking medication for the symptoms and making the potentially harmful mistake of mixing it with alcohol. Thankfully I only did this when I wasn't working but if I had continued, I would have made mistakes at work and could have hurt or killed someone. Working with the hospital, I tried different areas to go back to work but could not physically do it. I applied for and got on the hospital's disability benefit. This step began a whole new way to live an even better life. I helped with the national organization for dystonia, became a support group leader, I also was a motivational speaker that traveled the country to talk at our national symposiums with physicians and scientists. It was a different way of being a nurse/caretaker by taking caring of me first then other people who needed information and guidance. I loved meeting the people and the symptoms, that I was trying to cover up at work, showed others I was just like them. I could give them hope. I remarried, in time, to a man who loves me and helped me with my volunteer work. He has been by my side for surgeries and many painful procedures. Of course, I have reciprocated for him but it is hard to deal with a partner with physical disabilities. We have been together for over twenty-five years and have a large combined family who love each other. I will be 68 in 2021 and we are enjoying a more laid back retired life. All of us should constantly take an inventory of our lives. How are we living them? Are we serving ourselves or others? I believe we are put on this Earth to help others and we must be willing and honest to do that. I follow the principles of AA and NA and it hasn't let me down. It is progress not perfection, like a marriage. If you make a mistake, you own it and begin again. I hope any future entries I make are as true to my convictions as this one was. Fiction is fine and I enjoy it. All writing comes from the inner well of wisdom that says so much about its’ author. I try to end all my writing on an optimistic note. I want to grow in my writing, sometimes I touch my inner feelings more than others and this was one that did. It was a great prompt. 2020 has been a very hard year for more people than I can ever remember. There are so many people out there that are ill, have lost someone they love, can't feed their families and are falling into the darkness of addiction. I pray for all of them and do what I can. I wish for the judges and all the people that belong to Writing.com that they are at peace within themselves and bring more joy to this planet than they take from it. I know I have to make that choice every day, to spread love and remain sober. I wish you all a happy new year, may it be a much better year for all. Thanks for letting me be a part of this family. Kathie Stehr December 31, 2020 ** Image ID #2267445 Unavailable ** |
| I remember when I was about 10 and was home alone. A delivery man came to our door with a long white box for my Mom. It was my parents wedding anniversary in June and we lived in a window air conditioned house in Georgia. The man told me it was flowers but nothing else. I put them away in a closet. Dad was out of town and he called later that night to ask my Mom how she liked her gift?????? Talk about feeling bad, I ran and got the box out to open it. Two dozen red roses, wrapped in green tissue) were looking kind of half dead. Mom put them in water but they didn't recover very well. One in a lifetime of forgetful acts that I will never forget. Dad was a carpenter and that cost him a lot of money. No one punished me, I punished myself enough. I will be 68 in less than a month and forgetfulness is a concern. Since I watched my own Mom descend into dementia followed by Alzheimer’s by her mid 70’s, it is a real legitimate worry. We live in a community of many neighbors that have grown children , grandchildren and few younger people. I guess the people I speak to talk about it quite a bit also. There are a few of us that are retired RN’s or physicians. Most were business owners so I get a lot of medical questions about it. My explanation to people about the difference between garden variety forgetfulness and dementia to worry about. Ask yourself do you go into a room and forgot what you went in there for? Not a big deal! My grown children do that. I used to have to make lists because I was multi tasking in my younger years. I still make lists, makes life easier. You need to worry when you drive or walk somewhere you’ve been to many times and suddenly you don’t know where you are or how to get home. We all leave our iPhones in shopping carts or in the car at some point but can retrace our steps. Just call the number or there is an app. Forgetfulness is part of a busy life and that isn’t a bad thing. Forgetting a grandchild’s birthday isn’t a big deal, that is why I write them down. Forgetting who our President is quite another story or the year we are in. I forget peoples names constantly but so do my kids. Recently a neighbor, about our age, is beginning to act like my Mom did. He is helping my husband built something. I invited him over for dinner. He repeated the same story 3 times during the meal. I am concerned for him. I even asked him if he had problems and he said his daughter is going to take him to a neurologist. He lives alone. Enjoy each day and keep writing, reading, eating well and exercising. That is what I shoot for. Life is too good to worry about the small stuff. Have a wonderful day! |
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