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Just my opinions and outlook on life |
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The end of 2020 The very first entry I made for The Writer’s Cramp was my best. It tied for the win and I was happy about that but it really made no difference to me. It was a poem written after Thanksgiving about my own recovery from addiction. That was 26 years ago and it totally changed my life. I checked myself into Drug Rehabilitation when I first realized that I might have a problem with substance abuse. I had no idea what changes that one incident would make in my life. When I was discharged, I had a lot of major decisions to make and the poem spoke to how conflicted I still was. The prompt was Closely Watched Trains. It was easy to take that one and run with it. After all, trains take you places and where you go can change your life forever. My journey had just begun. Closely Watched Trains I stand alone in blinding rain, waiting on an unknown train. My future life, a choice to make. Only one I can take. Two tickets lay in my hand, don’t know where to stand. One path leads to a familiar past. Comfort once lost; now peace might last. The other takes me far away. Unknown future, a bright new day? Strangers can become friends. A new life, old wounds can mend. Last time I waited on a train, a filthy walkway, urine stains. Crying frightened, shameful tears, burdened with pain, unknown fears. The smut on me wouldn’t wash away. In pores so deep, I had to stay. If I hung in, worked the steps. A cluttered mess might bring rest. Been running too long and fast, towards a certain fatal crash. Smoke the gin, drink the powder, Alice of Wonderland in troubled water. I did hard work, washed my stains. Princess in a castle, I glow, no shame. I found answers for all asked of me, climbed the Magic Beanstalk tree. Now, I wait on my wish filled train. I pray a light shines true in dark rain. God, I have come a long, long way. I need to love myself enough to stay. By Kathie Stehr 11/27/2020 Learning to love myself enough to make necessary decisions was the key to future happiness. If you don’t love yourself enough then you cannot love other important people in your life. I left a marriage that I knew was over after twenty years. We had two children together and were happy for many years so it was devastating to even think about starting over. Our lives had changed so much over those years. Now, instead of working together, we were destroying our lives and it was affecting the kids. I also ended up leaving my job as a registered nurse because the stress of all of it: the marriage, the job and no time for my children was taking a terrible toll. I had been diagnosed with a neurological disease that was painful and hard to deal with for me and my family. The final straw was taking medication for the symptoms and making the potentially harmful mistake of mixing it with alcohol. Thankfully I only did this when I wasn't working but if I had continued, I would have made mistakes at work and could have hurt or killed someone. Working with the hospital, I tried different areas to go back to work but could not physically do it. I applied for and got on the hospital's disability benefit. This step began a whole new way to live an even better life. I helped with the national organization for dystonia, became a support group leader, I also was a motivational speaker that traveled the country to talk at our national symposiums with physicians and scientists. It was a different way of being a nurse/caretaker by taking caring of me first then other people who needed information and guidance. I loved meeting the people and the symptoms, that I was trying to cover up at work, showed others I was just like them. I could give them hope. I remarried, in time, to a man who loves me and helped me with my volunteer work. He has been by my side for surgeries and many painful procedures. Of course, I have reciprocated for him but it is hard to deal with a partner with physical disabilities. We have been together for over twenty-five years and have a large combined family who love each other. I will be 68 in 2021 and we are enjoying a more laid back retired life. All of us should constantly take an inventory of our lives. How are we living them? Are we serving ourselves or others? I believe we are put on this Earth to help others and we must be willing and honest to do that. I follow the principles of AA and NA and it hasn't let me down. It is progress not perfection, like a marriage. If you make a mistake, you own it and begin again. I hope any future entries I make are as true to my convictions as this one was. Fiction is fine and I enjoy it. All writing comes from the inner well of wisdom that says so much about its’ author. I try to end all my writing on an optimistic note. I want to grow in my writing, sometimes I touch my inner feelings more than others and this was one that did. It was a great prompt. 2020 has been a very hard year for more people than I can ever remember. There are so many people out there that are ill, have lost someone they love, can't feed their families and are falling into the darkness of addiction. I pray for all of them and do what I can. I wish for the judges and all the people that belong to Writing.com that they are at peace within themselves and bring more joy to this planet than they take from it. I know I have to make that choice every day, to spread love and remain sober. I wish you all a happy new year, may it be a much better year for all. Thanks for letting me be a part of this family. Kathie Stehr December 31, 2020 ** Image ID #2267445 Unavailable ** |
| Day 3289: November 9, 2021 Prompt: "Hope is the thing with feathers" Emily Dickinson. Ms Dickinson gives us one example of a metaphor for hope. Write your own metaphor or simile describing hope. Hope is a tiffany set half carat diamond that your love puts on your finger but it might just be a fugazi. This is for those people that understand hip-hop, slang or watched the movie “Donnie Brasco”. |
| PROMPT November 8th What would you have to start doing now so that in 10 years you feel like you just had the best decade of your life? In 10 years I will be 78. I have spent most of my life writing down goals and trying to achieve them. Usually, things don’t turn out like you thought they would but perhaps the way they were meant to be. I don’t have a bucket list and am perfectly happy to have a laid back life with my husband. Social Security and a small pension don’t go very far anyway. I am actually in a good place right now and want to keep it that way until, of course, something changes. I realize that is life and you can see change as a another page to write on or stop moving. It will be fun and interesting to see what my children , grandchildren, and great grandchildren accomplish. I am proud of them and they are our greatest legacy, after all. I would like to continue to write and finish downloading all of the family photos to the cloud so the kids have that info if they are interested. I have tons of stuff I have saved. I am going through that, much of my memories will find their way to the trash. So many of mine and my husband’s parents meaningful possessions were thrown in the trash after they died. I am not disillusioned about what our children will hang on to. It is all just stuff, after all. I have been giving away pieces of jewelry and family heirlooms to individual family members now. It is nice to see them excited about something that belonged to a grandparent. It is very difficult when you have divorced families to decide these things. I want to make decisions as simple as possible for my kids. So my plan is to enjoy this lovely house we have and go out on our boat to see fantastic wildlife and splendid sunsets. It is pretty here and right now we are fairly healthy but I do have progressive macular degeneration plus my worsening dystonia. I still do some volunteer work and keep up with old friends. We travel locally and that is enough. I have traveled from coast to coast and enjoyed every mile of it. I have been fortunate to have visited other countries and seen lovely scenery. So many memories of family times, raising kids, having a profession I loved, just experiencing life. It is a time of being still and reflecting, reading, listening to music and taking one day at a time. Life is beautiful when your calendar isn’t overflowing. Have a great day, everyone! |
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