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Just my opinions and outlook on life |
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The end of 2020 The very first entry I made for The Writer’s Cramp was my best. It tied for the win and I was happy about that but it really made no difference to me. It was a poem written after Thanksgiving about my own recovery from addiction. That was 26 years ago and it totally changed my life. I checked myself into Drug Rehabilitation when I first realized that I might have a problem with substance abuse. I had no idea what changes that one incident would make in my life. When I was discharged, I had a lot of major decisions to make and the poem spoke to how conflicted I still was. The prompt was Closely Watched Trains. It was easy to take that one and run with it. After all, trains take you places and where you go can change your life forever. My journey had just begun. Closely Watched Trains I stand alone in blinding rain, waiting on an unknown train. My future life, a choice to make. Only one I can take. Two tickets lay in my hand, don’t know where to stand. One path leads to a familiar past. Comfort once lost; now peace might last. The other takes me far away. Unknown future, a bright new day? Strangers can become friends. A new life, old wounds can mend. Last time I waited on a train, a filthy walkway, urine stains. Crying frightened, shameful tears, burdened with pain, unknown fears. The smut on me wouldn’t wash away. In pores so deep, I had to stay. If I hung in, worked the steps. A cluttered mess might bring rest. Been running too long and fast, towards a certain fatal crash. Smoke the gin, drink the powder, Alice of Wonderland in troubled water. I did hard work, washed my stains. Princess in a castle, I glow, no shame. I found answers for all asked of me, climbed the Magic Beanstalk tree. Now, I wait on my wish filled train. I pray a light shines true in dark rain. God, I have come a long, long way. I need to love myself enough to stay. By Kathie Stehr 11/27/2020 Learning to love myself enough to make necessary decisions was the key to future happiness. If you don’t love yourself enough then you cannot love other important people in your life. I left a marriage that I knew was over after twenty years. We had two children together and were happy for many years so it was devastating to even think about starting over. Our lives had changed so much over those years. Now, instead of working together, we were destroying our lives and it was affecting the kids. I also ended up leaving my job as a registered nurse because the stress of all of it: the marriage, the job and no time for my children was taking a terrible toll. I had been diagnosed with a neurological disease that was painful and hard to deal with for me and my family. The final straw was taking medication for the symptoms and making the potentially harmful mistake of mixing it with alcohol. Thankfully I only did this when I wasn't working but if I had continued, I would have made mistakes at work and could have hurt or killed someone. Working with the hospital, I tried different areas to go back to work but could not physically do it. I applied for and got on the hospital's disability benefit. This step began a whole new way to live an even better life. I helped with the national organization for dystonia, became a support group leader, I also was a motivational speaker that traveled the country to talk at our national symposiums with physicians and scientists. It was a different way of being a nurse/caretaker by taking caring of me first then other people who needed information and guidance. I loved meeting the people and the symptoms, that I was trying to cover up at work, showed others I was just like them. I could give them hope. I remarried, in time, to a man who loves me and helped me with my volunteer work. He has been by my side for surgeries and many painful procedures. Of course, I have reciprocated for him but it is hard to deal with a partner with physical disabilities. We have been together for over twenty-five years and have a large combined family who love each other. I will be 68 in 2021 and we are enjoying a more laid back retired life. All of us should constantly take an inventory of our lives. How are we living them? Are we serving ourselves or others? I believe we are put on this Earth to help others and we must be willing and honest to do that. I follow the principles of AA and NA and it hasn't let me down. It is progress not perfection, like a marriage. If you make a mistake, you own it and begin again. I hope any future entries I make are as true to my convictions as this one was. Fiction is fine and I enjoy it. All writing comes from the inner well of wisdom that says so much about its’ author. I try to end all my writing on an optimistic note. I want to grow in my writing, sometimes I touch my inner feelings more than others and this was one that did. It was a great prompt. 2020 has been a very hard year for more people than I can ever remember. There are so many people out there that are ill, have lost someone they love, can't feed their families and are falling into the darkness of addiction. I pray for all of them and do what I can. I wish for the judges and all the people that belong to Writing.com that they are at peace within themselves and bring more joy to this planet than they take from it. I know I have to make that choice every day, to spread love and remain sober. I wish you all a happy new year, may it be a much better year for all. Thanks for letting me be a part of this family. Kathie Stehr December 31, 2020 ** Image ID #2267445 Unavailable ** |
| PROMPT November 6th You work alone from home, logged on to your work PC. One day you log on, and start your routine. You look at the clock on your desktop and eight hours have passed, but you have no memory of getting any tasks done. Tell us what might have happened to you during those eight hours. Picking my head up off the desk, I realize I am drooling and my head is throbbing. A phone is ringing, the noise is deafening. I look up at the screen on my laptop and there is nothing on it. The time is four pm and I have a deadline of 6 to get in eight hours of work. There is a cup of cold coffee in front of me seemingly untouched. Last night comes back in hazy memories. Jim’s band was going to play at a friends’s party and he begged me to go. I was already exhausted but agreed to meet him there. I remember this huge stately older home off the main road. There were about ten cars. The bass was loud as I walked up the crumbling walkway and the door was partially open. I walked in and remember someone handing me a mixed drink. There were a couple of people I had met before so that helped me feel more at ease. The band was playing “Cover Me”, a Springteen knock off. They sounded good. It was so hot and I drank this sweet fruity mixture too fast. I don’t believe I had ate anything. I know it had been a hectic day. I looked around for some food. Nothing. I asked someone where the kitchen is. This guy just points down a hall . The lights were dim and I had to push by people. Where did they all come from? Suddenly I realized I needed to find a bathroom fast. I finally find the bathroom and lock the door. My head is swimming, lack of food and a strong drink can do this. Maybe I am getting sick. It is an old bath with a clawfoot tub that has rust stains, a ceramic floor and free standing sink. I grab on to a towel rack, use the toilet. I wash my hands and reach for a towel. Nothing.. There is another door, a linen closet? The next thing I remember is I am at the bottom of a hill of shrubbery. My legs are scratched and bleeding and my clothes and hair are a muddy mess. Somehow I manage to find the driveway and my car. I drive home going very slowly. I set the alarm on my phone for 6am. It was 3 in the morning. What the hell was in my drink? |
| PROMPT November 4th You arrive at work today with five donuts and five coffees for the people who are scheduled to be there. But you have a problem. Counting you, six people are there, and all of you love coffee and donuts! How do you and your friends resolve this? Well knowing myself, I would forget my desire and give it all to the other people. Then I would walk around feeling resentful about it. I didn’t say this was the right thing, I just know myself. Besides, because I am a coffee addict, I probably already had a to-go cup in the car. What kind of work place doesn’t have a coffee machine anyway? When I was working in the hospital, I was on night shift and I lived on coffee. I probably have consumed an ocean of that nectar of the gods anyway. The most reasonable thing to do is either go and get some more or have someone else do it and pay for it. Perhaps you could do some sharing like you taught your children and your parents taught you. There is always a way! |
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