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Just my opinions and outlook on life |
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The end of 2020 The very first entry I made for The Writer’s Cramp was my best. It tied for the win and I was happy about that but it really made no difference to me. It was a poem written after Thanksgiving about my own recovery from addiction. That was 26 years ago and it totally changed my life. I checked myself into Drug Rehabilitation when I first realized that I might have a problem with substance abuse. I had no idea what changes that one incident would make in my life. When I was discharged, I had a lot of major decisions to make and the poem spoke to how conflicted I still was. The prompt was Closely Watched Trains. It was easy to take that one and run with it. After all, trains take you places and where you go can change your life forever. My journey had just begun. Closely Watched Trains I stand alone in blinding rain, waiting on an unknown train. My future life, a choice to make. Only one I can take. Two tickets lay in my hand, don’t know where to stand. One path leads to a familiar past. Comfort once lost; now peace might last. The other takes me far away. Unknown future, a bright new day? Strangers can become friends. A new life, old wounds can mend. Last time I waited on a train, a filthy walkway, urine stains. Crying frightened, shameful tears, burdened with pain, unknown fears. The smut on me wouldn’t wash away. In pores so deep, I had to stay. If I hung in, worked the steps. A cluttered mess might bring rest. Been running too long and fast, towards a certain fatal crash. Smoke the gin, drink the powder, Alice of Wonderland in troubled water. I did hard work, washed my stains. Princess in a castle, I glow, no shame. I found answers for all asked of me, climbed the Magic Beanstalk tree. Now, I wait on my wish filled train. I pray a light shines true in dark rain. God, I have come a long, long way. I need to love myself enough to stay. By Kathie Stehr 11/27/2020 Learning to love myself enough to make necessary decisions was the key to future happiness. If you don’t love yourself enough then you cannot love other important people in your life. I left a marriage that I knew was over after twenty years. We had two children together and were happy for many years so it was devastating to even think about starting over. Our lives had changed so much over those years. Now, instead of working together, we were destroying our lives and it was affecting the kids. I also ended up leaving my job as a registered nurse because the stress of all of it: the marriage, the job and no time for my children was taking a terrible toll. I had been diagnosed with a neurological disease that was painful and hard to deal with for me and my family. The final straw was taking medication for the symptoms and making the potentially harmful mistake of mixing it with alcohol. Thankfully I only did this when I wasn't working but if I had continued, I would have made mistakes at work and could have hurt or killed someone. Working with the hospital, I tried different areas to go back to work but could not physically do it. I applied for and got on the hospital's disability benefit. This step began a whole new way to live an even better life. I helped with the national organization for dystonia, became a support group leader, I also was a motivational speaker that traveled the country to talk at our national symposiums with physicians and scientists. It was a different way of being a nurse/caretaker by taking caring of me first then other people who needed information and guidance. I loved meeting the people and the symptoms, that I was trying to cover up at work, showed others I was just like them. I could give them hope. I remarried, in time, to a man who loves me and helped me with my volunteer work. He has been by my side for surgeries and many painful procedures. Of course, I have reciprocated for him but it is hard to deal with a partner with physical disabilities. We have been together for over twenty-five years and have a large combined family who love each other. I will be 68 in 2021 and we are enjoying a more laid back retired life. All of us should constantly take an inventory of our lives. How are we living them? Are we serving ourselves or others? I believe we are put on this Earth to help others and we must be willing and honest to do that. I follow the principles of AA and NA and it hasn't let me down. It is progress not perfection, like a marriage. If you make a mistake, you own it and begin again. I hope any future entries I make are as true to my convictions as this one was. Fiction is fine and I enjoy it. All writing comes from the inner well of wisdom that says so much about its’ author. I try to end all my writing on an optimistic note. I want to grow in my writing, sometimes I touch my inner feelings more than others and this was one that did. It was a great prompt. 2020 has been a very hard year for more people than I can ever remember. There are so many people out there that are ill, have lost someone they love, can't feed their families and are falling into the darkness of addiction. I pray for all of them and do what I can. I wish for the judges and all the people that belong to Writing.com that they are at peace within themselves and bring more joy to this planet than they take from it. I know I have to make that choice every day, to spread love and remain sober. I wish you all a happy new year, may it be a much better year for all. Thanks for letting me be a part of this family. Kathie Stehr December 31, 2020 ** Image ID #2267445 Unavailable ** |
| Day 3295: November 15, 2021 Prompt: Write about a past Thanksgiving that you really enjoyed. There are so many in my life. I believe one of the better ones had both funny and poignant moments. It was 1972 and I had been married for a little over a year. I was five months pregnant and so very happy. Although the pregnancy was unplanned, the pill didn’t do it’s job. We were living in an apartment, gradually buying furniture and planning our future. I had so much to be grateful for. My older brother and sister-in-law had come from their home in New Orleans with their 12 year old son and my 15 year old brother was there. As usual, we celebrated at Mom and Dad’s home. Mom put a lot of work and love into cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I think about it now and realize she was 52, had a double mastectomy 10 years before, and worked part time in retail sales. I am sure it was tiring for her but she didn’t complain. The meal was a traditional yankee Thanksgiving with homemade herbal dressing that was stuffed in the turkey. We always had mashed potatoes and gravy, a cranberry salad, green peas, and usually mincemeat and pumpkin pies. Mom use her special occasion Lenox china, family silverware, candles, fresh flowers along with linens and cut glass stemware. We usually had cocktails before dinner. Everyone was expected to dress nicely. My sister-in-law, Barbara, filmed everything or took photos. She is a sweetheart and very quiet but that year she was filming my Dad carving the turkey. Now my Dad was a great guy and very seldom raised his voice in anger but after a few minutes of hearing, “ Dad, look up and smile, please”. Well, he gritted his teeth and said, “The camera is banned from the table for the rest of the meal or I go”. I never heard him speak that way to Barbara before. He usually went along to keep the peace. My Mom started laughing, Barb got teary eyed and I wasn’t sure what to do. The camera disappeared for the rest of the day. We always go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Of course I mentioned the baby who gave his first kick during that meal. At least that is what I wanted it to be. Now it could have been gas because I was stuffing myself, I was always hungry during that pregnancy. We were all grateful Mom was over five years cancer free. It was a lovely dinner and now we can all laugh at my Dad getting upset. I have the photo and just miss him like crazy along my lovely Mom. |
| Prompt for November 15, 2021 You and your two best friends are going on a month-long road trip. Where are you going? What three items must be in your luggage for this trip to be a great experience for you. Paula, Lynn and I have wanted to take a RV and travel the roads of our personal history for years. To be able to share major highlights of each of our lives will be great fun. We are retired now. Girls traveling together is fun and though some memories will be bittersweet, we will do more laughing than crying. We would fly to Michigan, then rent an RV, fully equipped so we can sleep, eat, and drive. We started our lives in 3 different states. Of course this has been planned around important milestones. Hospitals where we were born, homes where we lived, family cemeteries, schools, major landmarks and occasional visits with old friends. So the trip takes us from Grand Rapids, MI where my family is originally from. We visit Butterworth where I was born, the homes my parents and Grandparents lived in. We have agreed on one special place to just relax and I choose Machinaw Island which is known for the movie “Somewhere in Time”. The Grand Hotel is a treat to spend the night, have tea, sweets and finger sandwiches served while a small quartet plays and sit on the longest hotel veranda in rocking chairs. The view is spectacular. The sunsets over the beauty that is Lake Michigan are gorgeous. A Surrey ride is fun and a great way to see the island where automobiles aren’t allowed. Next stop is Charleston, South Carolina where Paula comes from. Her Mom is still living in the family home close to the Battery. Then going to the market in downtown is a treat. It is huge and you can bargain for merchandise from all over the world plus local goods. I have never seen the schools she went to, their family cemetery, and visit with a friend she grew up with. We have to eat at a famous barbecue place there and also Rainbow Row where stately old pastel washed homes are. Charleston is such a historical town, a tour is in store. Lastly, we go to Birmingham , Alabama where Lynn is from. She grew up and married there in a large church wedding so more of her life was spent there. She had her only child there, a daughter. She taught for the Head Start program and went to the University of Alabama, I have never seen it. I believe we are going to go to a game. We would probably see the plantations but also the Civil Rights monuments and museum. It is a lovely place with many restaurants that specialize in local southern Cuisine. Lynn has a surprise planned. I can't wait. I have to travel with a really good camera, not just an iPhone, my laptop which has all my writing, music, old photos and information on it. Sounds like fun and I am ready to go! One month long slumber party! |
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