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Just my opinions and outlook on life |
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The end of 2020 The very first entry I made for The Writer’s Cramp was my best. It tied for the win and I was happy about that but it really made no difference to me. It was a poem written after Thanksgiving about my own recovery from addiction. That was 26 years ago and it totally changed my life. I checked myself into Drug Rehabilitation when I first realized that I might have a problem with substance abuse. I had no idea what changes that one incident would make in my life. When I was discharged, I had a lot of major decisions to make and the poem spoke to how conflicted I still was. The prompt was Closely Watched Trains. It was easy to take that one and run with it. After all, trains take you places and where you go can change your life forever. My journey had just begun. Closely Watched Trains I stand alone in blinding rain, waiting on an unknown train. My future life, a choice to make. Only one I can take. Two tickets lay in my hand, don’t know where to stand. One path leads to a familiar past. Comfort once lost; now peace might last. The other takes me far away. Unknown future, a bright new day? Strangers can become friends. A new life, old wounds can mend. Last time I waited on a train, a filthy walkway, urine stains. Crying frightened, shameful tears, burdened with pain, unknown fears. The smut on me wouldn’t wash away. In pores so deep, I had to stay. If I hung in, worked the steps. A cluttered mess might bring rest. Been running too long and fast, towards a certain fatal crash. Smoke the gin, drink the powder, Alice of Wonderland in troubled water. I did hard work, washed my stains. Princess in a castle, I glow, no shame. I found answers for all asked of me, climbed the Magic Beanstalk tree. Now, I wait on my wish filled train. I pray a light shines true in dark rain. God, I have come a long, long way. I need to love myself enough to stay. By Kathie Stehr 11/27/2020 Learning to love myself enough to make necessary decisions was the key to future happiness. If you don’t love yourself enough then you cannot love other important people in your life. I left a marriage that I knew was over after twenty years. We had two children together and were happy for many years so it was devastating to even think about starting over. Our lives had changed so much over those years. Now, instead of working together, we were destroying our lives and it was affecting the kids. I also ended up leaving my job as a registered nurse because the stress of all of it: the marriage, the job and no time for my children was taking a terrible toll. I had been diagnosed with a neurological disease that was painful and hard to deal with for me and my family. The final straw was taking medication for the symptoms and making the potentially harmful mistake of mixing it with alcohol. Thankfully I only did this when I wasn't working but if I had continued, I would have made mistakes at work and could have hurt or killed someone. Working with the hospital, I tried different areas to go back to work but could not physically do it. I applied for and got on the hospital's disability benefit. This step began a whole new way to live an even better life. I helped with the national organization for dystonia, became a support group leader, I also was a motivational speaker that traveled the country to talk at our national symposiums with physicians and scientists. It was a different way of being a nurse/caretaker by taking caring of me first then other people who needed information and guidance. I loved meeting the people and the symptoms, that I was trying to cover up at work, showed others I was just like them. I could give them hope. I remarried, in time, to a man who loves me and helped me with my volunteer work. He has been by my side for surgeries and many painful procedures. Of course, I have reciprocated for him but it is hard to deal with a partner with physical disabilities. We have been together for over twenty-five years and have a large combined family who love each other. I will be 68 in 2021 and we are enjoying a more laid back retired life. All of us should constantly take an inventory of our lives. How are we living them? Are we serving ourselves or others? I believe we are put on this Earth to help others and we must be willing and honest to do that. I follow the principles of AA and NA and it hasn't let me down. It is progress not perfection, like a marriage. If you make a mistake, you own it and begin again. I hope any future entries I make are as true to my convictions as this one was. Fiction is fine and I enjoy it. All writing comes from the inner well of wisdom that says so much about its’ author. I try to end all my writing on an optimistic note. I want to grow in my writing, sometimes I touch my inner feelings more than others and this was one that did. It was a great prompt. 2020 has been a very hard year for more people than I can ever remember. There are so many people out there that are ill, have lost someone they love, can't feed their families and are falling into the darkness of addiction. I pray for all of them and do what I can. I wish for the judges and all the people that belong to Writing.com that they are at peace within themselves and bring more joy to this planet than they take from it. I know I have to make that choice every day, to spread love and remain sober. I wish you all a happy new year, may it be a much better year for all. Thanks for letting me be a part of this family. Kathie Stehr December 31, 2020 ** Image ID #2267445 Unavailable ** |
| PROMPT November 11th A reminder I could say to myself before I’m tempted to respond to anger with anger, to fear with fear, to negativity with negativity is... Not making progress, not changing anything, going around in a toxic circle. There are some people, particularly family members, that trigger those emotions in you. First you try to go along with what they are saying because you are a pacifist that doesn’t want to fight. Then you try to change the subject and go with something else that isn’t political, religious, personal. Then they go for the jugular and tell you how stupid you are because everyone they know feels like they do. “What is wrong with You?” They demand to know. Okay, this is abusive so I make an excuse to get off the phone or accidentally hang up. I hate to be this way with family but our family has been very divided since about 2007 and the election. I think that is when it all started, the divide with people. It really seems to date back to that and it is getting worse all the time. I am afraid for our country and families these days and with Covid, it has really taken a toll. Take some anxiety and mix it with propaganda from so called experts, add fear and you have a toxic recipe for disaster. This is a good prompt. I believe we are all exhausted and fed up to some extent. Need to get away from the TV set and media, I suppose. Does anyone remember how to play a card game? How about watching a Disney movie with popcorn? Go to the Zoo, animals don’t care who you vote for or worship! |
| “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”~ John F. Kennedy Since this is Veteran’s Day, I want to reflect on the veterans in our family that I am so proud of. But to start with, I chose President Kennedy’s quote because I remember him so well as a President. I was seven when he was elected and actually remember the Bay of Pigs and then the Cuban Missile Crisis. I remember watching the news at night and my parents talking about it. I also remember the Civil Rights movement going on and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. meeting with the President about voting rights. There was the New Frontier plan that he was working on implementing. During World War II, Kennedy commanded a series of PT boats in the Pacific theater and earned the Navy and Marine Corps Medal for his service and war heroism. I remember after his assassination, there was a traveling exhibit of pieces from his administration that came to Atlanta. Among them was his rocking chair, the coconut shell he had scratched S.O.S. on when he was stranded along with the soldier he rescued, injured himself he swam for miles in rough waters. Heroism like that really made an impression on me. Since he was President various stories have come out to hurt his reputation and I am sure some are true. He was a mortal man after all and made mistakes but he was also a commanding presence and public servant. He could have lived well off his wealthy father’s money but Kennedys were taught “to whom much is given, much is expected”. As President, he accomplished many important promises until his life was cut short. My own personal heroes are my Dad, Carl Carpenter, who served 3 years in WW2 on the front lines. He never wanted to speak about it but I know he was there when Dachau Concentration camp was liberated and his best friend died in his arms. He was hit also and earned a Purple Heart plus many other medals. He died in 1988 at age 65 of lymphoma and I spent the last 2 months with him. We talked about many personal things, he must have finally felt free enough to discuss. He was a man that lived by a code of conduct that included integrity and fairness for all people. I know he wasn’t a saint but to me, he was a wonderful person and father; a true role model. Both of our sons are veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars. Chris's Humvee was hit by an IED. He had surgery in Germany for internal injuries. Mike was stationed on the base in operations but they faced incoming fire constantly. They both came home to us. Chris had a wife and new baby waiting for him. Both of them are heroes for the very fact that they wanted to go serve and did it proudly. They both suffer with PTSD and were around burn pits where toxic substances were destroyed. They are true patriots, and not anything like the people that broke into our nation’s Capital on Jan. 6, 2021. They live by the code of honor that means love of our country, our laws and our constitution. I am a proud daughter and mother. |
| Day 3290: November 10, 2021 Prompt: Begin your blog entry with "Another day of writing..." followed by how you feel or what you are writing. Another day of writing and I am watching the testimony of the Rittenhouse trial in the background. It keeps drawing my attention because Kyle himself took the stand. Just to remind everyone this boy(17) killed two people and injured another with an AR-15 rifle during the rioting and fires that were set after the murder of George Floyd. People had been protesting during the day and it was mostly non-violent then that night people streamed into the city of Kenosha and the police were slammed, many people came to “help”private businesses. They weren’t asked by police and they came with guns. I am listening to this kid speak and wonder why, at his age, he felt the need to take a grown up role. He says that he was in volunteer training to become an EMT and firefighter. He said he had a medical kit with him and helped a lady with a sprained ankle and someone else that was hit with pepper spray by washing their eyes. Apparently he also helped put out fires. He came from out of state and was using a gun that someone else bought but he chose it . “It looked Cool” and he felt the need to protect himself. Apparently he shot when he was surrounded by several people, one had a gun, and he felt like his life was in danger. He broke down on the stand, crying, and they took a break. Now this is when he was being questioned by his own attorney. Now I am not a lawyer but I do know it in unusual to put the person who committed a crime on the stand. He acts like a typical teenager, unsure of his actions. He walked away after his victims lay in the street. He didn’t offer medical care to any of them. I am sure he was in shock also. He is accused of murder of two BLM protesters. I believe his self defense strategy will work. What troubles me is that a teenager crossed the state lines, an adult gave him an assault weapon with 30 round of ammunition to use and when caught in a dangerous situation, he did just that. People lost their lives. Exactly when did vigilante justice become such a huge part of our society? Why didn’t adults shut this whole thing down at dusk before violence became a part of the awful story? Why are kids involved in this? We are speaking about writing here and a story has a narrative just like a trial does. How well the attorneys make their case is whether the jury or judge believe the narrative. This is interesting but also enlightening and frightening. |
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