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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I awoke just a few minutes ago feeling awful. Just a terrible feeling all over my body - achiness and terrible muscle pains. I have this almost every day. I got out of bed finally. Then I went to wash out my mouth and then I thought I'd give the pets some food. Then I went to look for the Holy Water that we had a stock of and sprinkled it in the house. I think that the evil spirits have been so forceful and made me so sad feeling that they think they can own this place and own me and my Dad. I wish that they'd leave. I prayed to God after I did the sprinkling and asked Him to help me and to take away these evil spirits. Today is Saturday, the 15th. In the Catholic church today is a day of the Virgin Mother, who on this day is when she is "assumed into Heaven". I am told that when one of her Feast days happen that many souls are taken to Heaven. I hope this happens. But I do not know for sure. I hope that when souls are ready to go to Heaven they can go to heaven whenever God says so. I've started and almost finished a table runner doily. The crewel thing is also going along ok. I need to knit a bit more on my two things. We haven't got much food left to eat. Dad said he will see about that today. I want to go to get Holy Water from the church but I do not know if this is a safe thing to do. Yesterday the Thoughts of WL asked me about something to do with my work. They want me to do work that is taxed. I am on Social Security you see so this isn't taxed and so the Thoughts tell me this will make me sad all the time as the Thoughts will be thinking I'm bound to get dead. I explained that I am self-employed so I did earn a few dollars last year but I also spent some money so I did not get a refund. The Thoughts said Ok. I think this means that people who are retired should try to earn some money part time so that they can get out of this 'death' thing. I think people ought to live as much as they want to and ask God every day to give them more life, new life, in their loins and their bodies. It's terribly sad to think that the only thing you wish to do after retirement is to die. It's not a natural thing to want to die. We must always have this energy to do things, to be helpful and to get out in the world and be a part of something good. |
| Getting by Without Friends (post from Tumblr) - 1. Don’t see it as personal. We all have times when we feel lonely and alone. 2. Learn to enjoy your own company. See it as a time to reflect on your life, and really think through what you want for yourself. 3. Find different things you can do, and enjoy, by yourself. Also, developing new interests will stop you feeling bored. 4. Spend time looking after a pet or animal. Pets are consistent, loyal and reliable. They’ll never hurt your feelings, and they’re good company. 5. Talk to other people that you meet casually (at the checkout, in a queue, or when you’re ordering some food). You’re likely to find you get a warm response – and that will remind you that you’re actually OK! 6. Don’t let this bad experience undermine your confidence. Keep reaching out to others, and one day things will change. You are lovely as you are. It's a temporary thing. |
| I have had a job opp from a recruiter earlier today. The job was at Amgen. It's in California. It's a regulatory job. This is going to be a remote position. I sent them my resume and this went through as a requisition for an associate. It was to pay $40/hr. It will be to work with their division that deals with molecular biology. That might be a bit too much for me to undertake. I did not learn mo bio a lot in my graduate and post doc years. At Yale I worked on purification techniques to isolate the transporter protein. The next step for this was to learn mo bio and I did not get a good education on it. The person they told me to ask wasn't that happy to help me. She wasn't staying on there anyway. She found a job at some PA big deal think tank on cancer medicine. I also got sick in the middle of my training so I wasn't there for a few months. By the time I got back I was not that interested in going on with research. I did stay in it so I could keep a salary and then I transferred to another lab in NYC. That job had nothing to do with mo bio. So that was about it for me until I went to PU and that wasn't great either. My supervisor in PU decided to leave just when we would have had some work to do. He claimed his son had ADHD and he needed to be with his son. He moved to Boston somewhere and he rose in the ranks for the co he worked with. I do not know if he really needed to help his son or if it was a ruse to leave PU, I cannot say. I do not know. This supervisor isn't someone I became close with in any way. He was a Tom type so it wasn't a good thing to have anything much to do with him. So back to t his Amgen job. If I had to work on regulatory for this position then I would have to learn a lot of mo bio and what they did and how they did things to get this 'product' to be submitted to FDA or anyone else who might be reviewing it for approval. I do not have mo bio experience and I cannot say that I can know the risks involved in any submission that has mo bio reports. I cannot put my reputation on the line as a result. I have had good relatoinships withi FDA reviewers and so I do not want that to be marred by a problem in any subsequent regulatory job that I might get into. If the recruiter actually wants to return my email and tell me updates I will tell him that I am not interested. Unless my current boss CF wants me to tell him now and preempt any further emails from this recruiter. CF just told me he wants that done. So I will do it. Now. |
| Hi M------, I've received your email and kept it aside to think of it. I have been going through a difficult phase in my writing and so thinking of what sorts of rituals I do to get me to the right kind of attitude to write has been absent. I've always relied on the random inspiration to make me write something. It's never been like - I get up and have coffee, i have something to eat, hopefully healthy (never that healthy for me), and then i face that page that I am supposed to fill with stuff - words. I am usually having the usual slog during my daily life, laundry, pets, meals to prepare, snacks, and then while I'm looking at other things I get this idea it might be nice to write something. So I give into this idea and then I write - sometimes a small page or maybe more. I do have some manuscripts in waiting but they're all asleep. They've not had much work on them. I feel somewhat like that they characters don't want to do much. They're also either depressed (like I am) or, they're just hanging out. Doing what characters do, I guess. So what I do do, is blog. I'm a loquacious blogger. I blog about whatever I think of - my business as a Lularoe representative, as some sort of entrepreneur, and I promote my stuff. But it's a depressing thing when no sales come up. I guess that's how it's been. I don't know how best to get into the right kind of path to write. I remember you used to say that you got up early and then had your coffee and hunkered down to writing. I don't know what else to say so that's what I have been up to. Thanks for your newsletters as they've been really helpful. Sincerely, Mary |
| I'm still up. I had a bad bad bad day today. Very sad day for me. I felt so ill that I had to go and take refuge in my bed. I felt so sad that I cried so very bitterly. I thought that those bastards were finally going to succeed in making me die. I fell asleep after a while and then after a few hours, I awoke and got up. I made something to eat and had that. I was grateful for the cigs that I received from my stepfather who stopped by the grocery (I guess, I don't know) and then I now have been working on some things. I'm still unsure about what to do about writing. I fear that if I wrote it would be murder for me. I do not wish to do this for now. I might type a few things but I cannot do it yet. I've sent some newsletters to some people and now I'll be at least caught up with it. I think that if I could hang on till the next paycheck from Social Security that I can at least be able to pay some bills. The tax bill was rejected (the check I sent them by mail) due to insufficient funds. I know that there were funds but I had spent money on other things. I have to pay them the returned check and then I have to pay the regular bill too this month. I am also going to have to help my stepfather with one bill he asked me to help him with. I might be able to save a few dollars but I think I might have to be careful so as not to be caught broke in between paychecks. I'm trying to find a job but that is a difficult thing. I applied to some places in the US and in Paris. I do not know if I ever will get to move to Paris now. I have been depressed about it. I feel as though I may have to stay here for a while unless I get any word on what is going to happen to me - I am depending on God to make up His mind where He wants me to go. I cannot be too sure about moving to Paris anyway. Or even anywhere else. There are so many things that I might have to consider moving to a foreign country. I cannot seem to think much about moving to England. I know that Colin wants me to go there someday to be part of his life. I hope that Colin won't suffer too much for his love for me. I have been learning some French you know that already. I will try to see if I can do more with it. I've thought of converting to Islam but I do not know that is going to be practical. I think this idea was something that might have been something that was not from God but I will try to see how else I can manage with my faith. I cannot always be Catholic I have left the Church since 2017. I think that being Catholic had given me such a grounding in a few things and some of those things have turned out to be rubbish. I wish to be rid of this idea that suffering is something that people have to endure to help some other sod to get out of their hole. I wish to be happy and I am ok enough and do not wish to be always so bubbly. I am not a bubbly sort but I do think with Colin we get on so much better together because he and love each other so very much. I hope that he still will be ok with what he wants to do if we ever get to be together. We were married in 1978 and we had to part ways agreeing that we will be together again someday. I know that this was his decision but I wish we did stay together but he hated my stepmother and she wanted him to die. I wish she were never my stepmother. I want to be at least able to meet my biological mother and father. i know they are so very out of reach and I do not even know if they know that I exist. My birth name was Ione and I do not know whether they even remember me. I must go now. I have to find something to keep me up tonight. I wish to do more of the things that are pleasing to my God but sometimes it is hard to do. I want to be a good girl. I want to do good things. I want to help people. I do notknow how best to do it. I do wish to blog and do that sort of thing. I've had some of my blogs on video. My Lularoe thing is as usual. I've got some videos uploaded and some have been looking at them. I need to get a sturdier whatsit to holdup the clothes otherwise they would topple over and that will not be good. I've kept the clothes safe away from the bad thoughts that are here in this house. This house is so very sad looking. Some people have gossiped so much about how bad it is here. I think that they are trying to dissuade people from buying something from me. I have no sales from any place. I have not sold a book but for that erotica one. I do not know what to do about it. I've said before that why do I need to write books when they are published nobody buys them? I do wish to write but I think I will write whenever there is a moment to do it but I am always guarded by these bastards and they will make me die if I wrote something at all. I am not happy with this life that is a writer's life. Do all writers have this problem? I cannot say that they are all able to write the way they want. Some of them give into the temptation of putting something on a page that is not good or is full of bastard stuff. I have a wish to go find some wine. I have a few more milliliters of Ouzao but I cannot say that I can buy anymore wine. The stores here are so alert at my being there and they know when I buy anything that will give me good thoughts. They want to decline my card and so I cannot buy what I really wish to buy. Even if I have money. Sometime back I couldn't even buy gasoline for the car. They all declined my card. I wanted to see if I could ask for donations but my GoFundMe isn't moving/ People there are also guarded. Everything that I go into is guarded by the bastards. I wish to ask You to help with my life. I wish to be still doing good things. To do work. I am thinking that if I had a regular job that i could at least be counted among the people who are doing something for the country - at least taxes. My social security isn't taxed you see. I hope to go and do something usefu;. I've washed a few dishes. I might try to sell something other than LLR. I could go into Norwex but that might incur some more expenses. I am so unhappy about this. But if I do sell Norwex that could generate more income, what do you think? I have a budget put together but I might be unable to get enough money to invest in a Norwext business. Please ask some people to do something to make my life free from this bastard who is Queen Elizabeth II who has spent all the money she could get her hands on to pay more people to kill me here. I remember that when I placed myself in Beirut the other day that a huge bomb went on off there. I cant' say that this was due to my being in Beirut in some spiritual way. I want Beirut to be happy. I want to do good things anywhere that God wants me to live. Love, Mary |
| Hi Everybody, I'm glad to be back here. I've had a long day. I was so sick today. I had to sleep and I just woke up a few minutes ago. I can't tell what happened. I might be suffering from some CFG thing. I don't think it's a problem but it makes me feel sluggish and I can't do much when it strikes. Please pray for me, if you can. I will try to do some thing now and see what stuff I can work on. I've not been writing much. I have to do something for my boss, Colin Firth. He's expecting me to do something every day. He's a good boss. Hope you all have a good evening. Mary |
| I haven't much more to say. I suppose i could tell you that I will be working on the Lularoe thing for the remainder of the weekend. Unless I am laid up with a new affliction. Oh I forgot something but I cannot tell you. Well, ok, I'll tell you. I wrote a poem this morning about COVID. Then I felt ill. I had a thought that someone was giving me the symptoms of COVID. It was haorible. I prayed and felt sad and felt sad and felt sad. It was awful. Now I am fine. I think that this COVID is something that ghostly thoughts give to people. I suggset that these people pray fervently to my Jesus and stay home stay home stay home and not go to the hospitals. These are where they will be made to die. It's the way people are being used to die as a holocaust like the Jewish people got in the last World War. Many of the elderly people are being killed, then those who are blacks and minorities are being killed. then now they are targeting women who have babies in their womb. These are the people who I might be. They are trying to find me and kill me somewhere in the USA. Mr Trump is not going to do anything to help. I heard him being interviewed and he is so fucking weird and he has no real ability to discuss this with the interviewer. He talks about something that could be nothing. It's rather comical if it weren't a tragedy. |
| I am disappointed greatly that the stimulus cheques that are to be sent to the US citizens will not happen. I saw that Mr Trump signed an executive order for some other thing related to COVID recovery. It looks as though the Dems are not interested and they've added a pork barrel item that the GOP can't stand so that means the stimulus bill is now dead in Congress. I have to say that the GOP is also having some issues with me namely that they are racist and they want to make blacks sad and also that they are making people into bastards and that is against God's Law. The Dems seem to think they can get some sympathy due to the BLM but now I am seeing they are cynically as well. They know full and well that the GOP won't go with this pork barrel item (this is the one where they want mail in balloting to happen in this election year). But they added it on anyway and they knew the GOP won't go for it and they also knew that the Stimulus Package won't work or go forward. What it means to me is that both GOP and Dems are trying to keep the Treasury from spilling its money to help those who are struggling, like my Dad and me. This Treasury thing is so precious to those in Congress because they can get retired and keep getting paid till they die and then after that they still get paid, for whatever reason - maybe their kids and wives have the money to go with them after the senators and congressmen and justices and presidents pass on. Who can really tell? Who has audited this anyway? What it tells me is that this Treasury is so fucking engorged with money that can help this Country's people and all they want is to spend it on a 9billion dollar fucking wall that blows over ina gale wind. How is that Trump? Where is this money really going to anyway? |
| I have been researching other countries as well. One, Japan. Then, Norway. Then, Paris. London is out. I rather not live in London. Too messy. Paris is a romantic city. It might be fun to always be in a city that's all about love. Norway is great for its cool and cold and chilly weather, depending on the month of the year. Japan is good to think of because of its placid atmosphere. I've met some Japanese who are so very placid, not any emotion cross their faces. But they do smile and look happy when they are happy. If they're not happy, they merely look thoughtful. Saudi is something I need to rethink. It could be good but I forgot it's filled with wealthy people and I don't care for wealthy people as a rule. They all tend to cluster together and look down on anyone who's not as loaded as they. Just a few thoughts. M. |
| Some Truths about Rejection 1. Rejection is simply the reaction or opinion of another person. 2. Rejection is powerless without your co-operation. 3. Rejection shows you others’ true colours, exposes all enemies, and closes every wrong door. 4. Rejection reveals those incapable of distinguishing your true worth. 5. Rejection is a guide, leading you away from deadened relationships while directing you towards healthy, positive relationships. 6. Rejection reveals who is intimidated by your potential. 7. Rejection reveals who or what doesn’t belong in your future. 8. Rejection is motivation to go in a new direction. Tracey Mitchell (abridged) #rejection#onlinecounselingcollege#inspiration#motivation#goals#success#mentalhealth#selfimprovement#onlinecounsellingcollege |
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