Writing about writing

I’m really digging into work these days, going on strong with my new project, which I have already named “The Unwanted Hero”. I have a strange way of working, more often than not I’ll conjure up some title I like, and just work from that. This time isn’t much different, I had four words (“bio mechanical body modifications”, if you must know) written in my notebook, then this title popped up, and now I’m off working hard at notes. It feels so incredibly good to be back at working on some serious shit again, much better than just writing fanfics. As fun as that is, it’s much more rewarding coming up with something of my own, in a more serious way.

But yeah, this time I started out with those four words and the title, then sorta just went nuts with it. I made a long “What If” document, then another for other questions, then one more for answers, one for character ideas, one for antagonist(s), one for quotes, and aaaargh! That’s a LOT of documents, and I’ve only been at it for five days!

I love this though, I looooove planning! Coming up with the ideas is half the fun of writing for me, obviously I love putting words on paper and stringing them together in a way that makes sense, but coming up with what those words should be about holds a very special place in my heart. Maybe all planners feel that way? I dunno, I just love note taking, and figuring shit out.

I’m knee-deep in those K.M. Weiland activity books, and I truly love them. So far I’ve only dug into the one called “Outlining Your Novel”, but I have just cracked open the one about character arcs, to see what it has to offer at this point. I did so because I have literally no idea what my main character wants. Seriously, no idea, but I’ll figure that shit out soon! I also wanna throw a lot of attention towards two other characters, and I seriously can’t wait for this shit to go down! I’m so glad I spend my vacation reading through those books, they are quite glorious, and really boost my morale.

Besides this I take some time every day to read a book of my favorite author, C. Robert Cargill. It’s the sequel to his book “Dreams and Shadows”, and I seriously can’t recommend that guy enough. As an added bonus the book is written in 3rd person past tense, which is how I want to write my book. The last one was 1st person present tense, and as much as I love writing that way, this book demands something different. I have to get into the mindset though, the words doesn’t flow quite as freely (yet) as I want them to, but that just gives me another good excuse to read Cargill (and probably some other books written like that too).

I think it’s good for me to take a few hours each night to just read, I think I need that. It’s stress relief of the very best kind. Well that, and sex obviously. But as my sex life is non existent, I’ll have to settle for books.

Now I’m gonna go back to my heated blanket, cuddle up with book and cats, and then I’m off to bed in an hour or two. Still doing that whole odd sleep rhythm thing, and as I managed to get up at 3:30 this night, I better keep it going.

Since I have an operation coming up in January, I have to be up way before the crack of dawn. As in: I have to be up at 3:30 in the middle of the night, and it is horrible! Then again, this operation is (obviously) very important to me, and thus I’ll just have to push through it, but seriously, at 3:30, I hate everything. Everything besides coffee that is, but you know… I always love my coffee. It feels odd that all of a sudden 6pm is the appropriate time to go to bed, and if I’m still up at 8, it qualifies as having trouble sleeping. It’s 5:30 now, and my entire system is going, “What the fuck are you doing at this unholy hour?!” So are the kitties, by the way, they usually sleep when I sleep, making them just as confused as I am.

My vacation is finally over, and I have therefore begun a brand new project! I’m super excited about it, just the fact that I’m back to work feels amazing! All of yesterday was spend playing the “what if” game, and some of the ideas are super weird, others might actually pan out to be something. I successfully got through all of K.M. Weiland’s textbooks, and I am now going methodically through the ones with exercises. If you’re just half as crazy about planning as I am, I highly recommend them, in fact, I recommend them to everybody.

Besides reading (a lot), I also got through my little fanfic project. I write those as sort of a palette cleanser, and I always go for pure fluff and happiness, contrasting my big, almost always depressing novels. With only 8 chapters and 22.000 something odd words, it was really easy to get done during the 14 days of vacation, and it picked me up from my post-NaNo depression. I posted it right here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivLeves, in case anyone feels like reading some gayness between Craig and Tweek from South Park.

I think I spend my vacation the best way I possible could. It was nice, I had fun, I completely reset my brain, and I even got a few random notes written down, some stuff that might just pan out to something big. I should really thank my best friend for dictating this vacation, she’s the best!

Now it’s time for me to go back to work, make up some more “what ifs” and some more character traits. See ya!

Okay, so I’ve really been wavering back and forth on what to do about “We Dream About Surviving”. At first I posted the whole damned thing at once, and all of it as if it was a print book. You know, with no extra spaces between fragments, with indents at dialogue, all that kind of things. But my impression of this site, is that – just like archive of our own – people would much rather read it WITH those things, than without them. And I must admit, that I do enjoy reading things on screens that way too, because it just feels easier. It’s the same amount of words, it just breaks it up a little, into smaller more easily managed pieces.

So I took down “We Dream About Surviving”, to think this through, and my conclusion is that it should go back up again, only revised in a way that fits the purpose. I just want people to read it, after all, I’m happy with the book and I feel like it deserves to be read. So I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna break it into a million little pieces, and post it all over again, for you to read.

The downside to this is I won’t be posting it just yet, and I certainly won’t be posting it all at once. I’ll most likely do a chapter a week, so that I can also give it a proper read-through as I go. It didn’t get much editing attention before I posted it the first time, because I was just so damned excited that it was done. But as all books, regardless of genre and level of talent, it deserves to be edited and revised. Which will definitely take some time too, and I’m not sure when I’ll be up for the task. I might do it before doing anything else, but I can’t make any promises.

Regardless of all this, I’m doing pretty well actually. I’ve buried myself in books on writing and taken a few weeks off for just reading and learning. I’ve got another four hundred (!!!) pages to go before I’m doing any kind of serious note-taking, although I have jotted down a few ideas here and there, in my miniature notebook. I don’t give them much thought though, it’s just random snippets, like, “here’s a piece of dialogue that sounds kinda good” or, “here’s some lyrics from a song you might wanna use for something” or even just, “here’s a name you like”.

Whatever it turns out to be, it’ll definitely be within the speculative genre, most likely science fiction as another grand backdrop for some excessively long and probably depressing love story. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case, at least.

Now I’m gonna return to my studies, maybe write a little more fanfic (you can find me right: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivLeves), maybe actually take a gander at that book. I dunno. I’ll do something.

I’m slowly starting to feel better about NaNo being over. Digging into books like “Sandman Slim” and “Outlining Your Novel” isn’t the worst thing ever. Granted, the latter wouldn’t please my best friend, due to the fact that it might be a little too close to working, but whatever. It keeps me afloat, makes me feel like I’m doing something meaningful, in spite of doing nothing at all. “Sandman Slim” is a great novel by the way, go read it! And if you're a planner like me, “Outlining Your Novel” seems like a must-have book, so grab that too!

Besides that, I’m finding my way back to slightly healthier routines, like doing my dishes and eating properly. When you’re writing 10-12 hours a day, there isn’t time for much else, and it’s quite nice to see my apartment not looking like shit. I spend four hours (!!!) cleaning yesterday, and now I can actually see my desk and kitchen counter! All of my clothes are clean too, seriously, it feels like magic.

I’ve successfully quit smoking again, and it’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. If anything it happened out of sheer laziness, I just couldn’t be bothered to go fetch cigarettes, so instead I just quit. It happened Sunday, and I have yet to murder someone, which I believe to be a success in itself. I guess it really just was a stress-thing, it’s my go-to when I feel pressured, and now that it’s over, I can handle the lack of cigarettes again.

I’m having a hard time painting though, it’s like I’ve forgot how to do it. It’s okay, maybe it’ll come back to me at some point, I can always pull out the tablet, and it’s not like I’m in any kind of rush to do it. Right now I take so much pleasure in reading, that I feel like I need nothing else anyway. With a library of 1000+ books, I’m pretty confident I can keep myself occupied through this week of vacation.

I took down the post it notes, and survived. I went and bought a nice box for them, and now they’re kept safely within. I also threw down the ones for “Swaying Between Worlds”, as I want to redo the whole thing, I figured I would get rid of those as well. It didn’t feel nearly as bad to get rid of those, than it did “We Dream About Surviving”, so I think it’s a safe bet not to keep them around. If I don’t feel utterly depressed and heartbroken about letting go of a project, it probably wasn’t that great to begin with. It’s okay, I’ll come up with something better, I just know it.

Now, I’m going to go get dressed and go for a walk. I could definitely go for some fresh air, and the weather is real nice here in Denmark today, with a clear blue sky and everything!

I must admit I’m a little bummed out that NaNo is over. It’s an odd empty feeling, not knowing what I’m supposed to do when I get up, and I’m struggling hard to try and keep to the vacation plan. I feel oddly lonely, something I don’t usually do. I’m great at being by myself, I don’t lack human contact in general, it’s just… When I’m not working, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself. Working so insanely much through November, I guess I forgot what it’s like to just do nothing at all. I have all these options surrounding me; painting, reading, playing video games, watching movies; but nothing feels right. Instead I find myself just sitting around and listening to depressing music, feeling sorry for myself, that November is all gone and my book is finished.

Speaking off, the book has been posted here on writing.com, so if you’re in the mood for sex, violence and most importantly romance, go check it out.

I have to take all my post its for my NaNo book down from the bulletin board, to make way for new ones, and it feels hard to do so. I’m keeping them – obviously – but taking them down means it really is over and done with. That little project that grew so much, my “We Dream About Surviving”, the best thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of writing. I know it makes room for new discoveries and new things to spend my time doing, but… I don’t know, it’s still a lot to take in.

I’m trying to quit smoking again, there’s only a month and a half till my surgery, I should really try and focus on that. Smoking through November was a horribly bad decision, but at least I’m giving the non-smoking life another go. Some day I might just succeed, who knows, I don’t care all that much about it right now. It’s just one of those things I have to do, I guess.

Fuck this sucks! It fucking sucks that NaNo’s over, it fucking sucks that I can’t just slip down in front of the computer and know exactly what I’m supposed to do, it fucking sucks that I feel so lonely, it fucking sucks that I have to let this go. I guess I wasn’t quite ready for it to end, and that fucking sucks.

Now, I’m going to take those post its down, I have to do it sooner or later, might as well go and rip that bandage off. Afterwards? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when I get there.

Go read the book, instead of this depressing blog. Seriously, it can only be better than this.