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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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I guess it's obvious I'm not a blogging type of person. It seems like I only come here when I need to vent. I suppose that's not a bad thing. I could just bottle it up until I lose my shit and scream at my family. So many things to worry about. I try, really try, to "give it to God" and not worry as much. I'd say I accomplish that about 10% of the time.  I have had a couple of good things happen over the past month, so I'll start there. First, and most importantly, I have finally gotten Ravyn someone to talk to about everything that's bothering her. We've only been twice, but I'm hopeful. The first thing Dr. Amy recommended was to change her antidepressant from Wellbutrin to Zoloft because she thinks Ravyn has more anxiety than depression. I'm in agreement there. Apparently, that worry gene is hereditary. She also said that she doesn't think Ravyn has ODD. That's Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I'm not so sure if I agree with that one. Cue the music... My darling little cupcake was an awful child. Yes, I did say that. She never went through the dreaded Terrible Twos that so many parents experience. We had a great time when she was a toddler. But I was pretty excited when it was time for pre-k because I wanted a little break in my day. She kept me on my toes and I was constantly exhausted. (This is before I discovered I have Lupus.) My husband at the time, Jackass, was an OTR truck driver, so everything was left up to me. Guess what? Enrolling a child in a public school for pre-k is only an option for low-income families. We made $107 too much. But we couldn't afford private pre-k. So she stayed at home with me and I kept working with her on the alphabet, counting, etc. This kid was never still. She was a nightmare. Lawdy, she wore me out physically and mentally. It's not like I let her run wild with no rules or discipline, but she flat out refused to follow directions and was basically a mean little shit. By kindergarten, it was worse. At school, she wasn't too bad. It was just me she lashed out at. Her teacher recommended ADD testing. I went to the pediatrician crying that I was a horrible mother and I must have really screwed up my kid because she was an out of control heathen that would probably kill me in my sleep. That's when she was diagnosed with ADD & ODD. Year after year, we battled over everything. She was a smart kid, did well in all subjects, even math. She played basketball and soccer. She became a cheerleader. She was an elementary social butterfly. Still, she acted as though she hated me. Just me. By junior high, Jackass and I divorced. Sixth grade was the turning point. She started struggling with math, which affected her self-esteem. She started developing, which led to teasing. My nephew was in the same grade and was getting bullied, so she started defending him and got into fights with boys. She whooped a couple of them really good! Her test scores dropped. We got math tutoring because when I helped her, the work was counted wrong. She didn't get the answer the way the teacher wanted and I had no idea how to do "new math". The school talked about holding her back. Because of her birthday, she was a year younger than most kids, so it wouldn't have been an age issue. My problem was that her grades were fine. Yes, math dropped from 95 to 75, but 75 is an average, passing grade. 69 is the failing point. The other subjects were great, all in the 90's. She read two grades above her level. But the dreaded standardized testing was the problem. She scored low in everything. In the end, they promoted her to 7th grade. But at the end of that year, I was told she couldn't be promoted because the STAAR test scores were too low. She'd be held back. Even though her math grades were slowly improving. Her final grade was 79. C+. But the state said that wasn't enough. Her STAAR score determined promotion, not her report card grades. She knew the material but didn't test well. She got so nervous the morning of testing that she threw up twice. Finally, I said fuck it and decided to teach her myself. The damn school was putting so much emphasis on math that they were ignoring the other subjects. Plus, the bullying was getting worse. I actually showed up after school one day and threatened two boys that had been giving her a hard time. Not my finest moment, but getting nose to nose and scaring the shit out of them put some fear in them. I guess they had never encountered a crazy lady like me before. You probably think I'm nuts to teach her myself when she acted like an evil minion. But it was getting better. A year later, we were doing good. Except she was sad. All the time. Jackass quit visiting her and she lost contact with the few friends she had. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is not being able to fix all the problems. My Mommy Magic no longer worked. She was depressed and thinking of death often. So it's taken a good two years to find a doctor in our area that takes her state Children's Health Insurance Plan. Everyone takes Medicaid, but only one CHIPs. We've switched up the medicine now and she can pour her heart out to someone that's not her mom. Shit, I rambled a lot here! I think I'll end this now and continue later. Cheers! |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it. 