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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| Alright you want to know why I get depressed and get such a negative attitude? It is definitely because of people. I mean really, why can't people just be real? I am so fucking mad right now and here is why. In September I was approached by a friend of mine to go on a blind date with someone who saw my Facebook and thought I was the "Bees Knees". Not making it up it is true. Being mostly a recluse because of my very important night time position as a machine operator in a tape factory, and general boredom I agreed to the date. The day before my big date tragedy engulfed my family when my nephew-in-law was killed in an auto accident. I was going to cancel, wasn't really feeling in the mood to go out and have a good time was seriously still in shock and trying to be there for my niece who of course was distraught; but still I went at the urging of her and her sister who both reminded me of how alone I was and maybe this could be my soul mate. Finally my niece got me when she pleaded, "Do it for me and Daniel." Well how could I call it off then? We had just lost Daniel, so I went on this date. Let me set the scene and tone of this date. It was originally supposed to be a double date, me and this guy, and my friend and this guy's son. My friend is sort of an adopted daughter. When she asked me if I would consider it her older brother piped up and said, "I want to go. I gotta see how all this plays out." So my double blind date actually consisted of me and the guy, her and his son and her brother. That Friday I messaged her and asked if the date was still on and she said yeah if I was up to it, by then everyone had heard about my nephews death. The only thing is that the guy's son couldn't make it so it ended up being me, the guy, her, and her brother on this blind date. We go to the local watering hole where he sits there talks to her about work and sips a beer. Who sips beer? I kept waiting for him to offer to buy me one but no that didn't happen. You know who bought me the beer? She did. She bought my beer all night, which I guess would have been fine if she were my date but I really think he should of bought my drinks. If that makes me a sexist so be it! For any guys who may be reading this it is most definitely up to you to pay for the date. Put up a little effort. Show the girl you are interested. Make her feel wanted. I can go out with my girlfriends anytime and split a bill but if I am on a date with you then you better be prepared to pay for my dinner and drinks and any other thing that may come up. I didn't let this bother me at the time because this guy was working as a temp at the company I work for and I knew he wasn't making a lot of money, so instead of saying, Okay it was an okay evening but I don't think you get it," I gave him the benefit of a doubt. "Give the guy a break Sandy. It's just one date. He doesn't even know you. Stop being such a bitch and see who he is." So that night I didn't let that bother me. We had a good time. In fact it was such a good time I asked him to come home with me. A mistake I know and I knew it was a mistake while I was doing it but as usual with me when matters of sex come up I didn't care. It had been too long since I had been with anyone and the sex aside it felt good just to be with someone, snuggling and cuddling, I really miss that. So for a while I thought we were getting along fine. Our schedules didn't match up to well but we worked around it. But we never really went anywhere. In fact one night while I worked he went out. I mean it just was off to me. We should go out together right? It was to the point where I was making all the effort. I was the one going to see him. He stopped wanting to come out here, even though we texted all the time and he said love you, we just never saw each other or went anywhere. Then I came down with a nasty case of bronchitis which lead to a nasty nasty sinus infection of which I am still suffering. I went home early from work one night we were supposed to get together the next night, but I was sick. Even when we were working we would still text each other. We had to do it through Facebook messenger because I couldn't pay my phone bill, but still I texted and I just got silence that whole weekend. I was sick and exhausted and tried to reach out to him but got silence instead. Let me tell you about this illness. I have been to the doctor twice, been through two rounds of antibiotics and steroids and right now at this writing I cannot talk because there is so much mucus in my throat. My head hurts and when I cough I cannot stop. I coughed for two hours yesterday morning when I got home from work. To say I am feeling ill is an understatement, so I even though I kept telling myself. He is ghosting you" I wouldn't believe it. I know I sound like a baby but I wanted comfort. A gesture would have done wonders for the way I feel. A quick trip over here with chicken soup or something or just a message telling me he was thinking of me, but none of that just silence. Then after not hearing anything from him in almost a week he sends me a text saying."It is not you it is me. I don't know what is wrong but I don't want to be in a relationship with anybody right now. I need to figure out some things for myself..." Well you know the rest. He unfriends me from Facebook, the whole nine yards. I sent him a reply telling him good luck and don't waste my time. Then a few days later he adds me back on Facebook only so I can see where he is talking to someone else. So I blocked him. I don't know what makes me madder the fact that that he broke up with me via Facebook Messenger using the old it is not you it is me speech, or that he unfriended then friended me again just to show me he was talking to other women or that he even said he loved me in the first place? How can you tell someone, "If I say something or do something then I mean it... then turn around and break up over a text? Maybe I am mad because he decided to do this when I am so damn sick I can't even get out of bed. I don't want anyone to accuse me of making snap judgments just because someone looks a certain way, so I give someone a chance even though taking one look at him I had a feeling he would be a loser and I was right. What 50 year old breaks up with someone via text? He doesn't even have the decency as a human being to do it face to face? This is why I hate men. They just use you and leave you. If you are dating me or want a relationship with me you have to wine me, dine me, sweep me off my feet! Show me that you think I am worth the effort and I will show you you are. You have to make me feel special even when I am dying of sinusitis treat me with respect. You have to understand the art of conversation. When I ask you a question I want more than one word answers. Bottom line if you are not going to put in any effort neither am I. And he wasn't putting in any effort. Now I am alone again, sick and ready to give up. Fuck you Mike Brown and your whole kind! You are beneath me and you do have to pay for the date! Retard! |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
