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Writing about what I have been reading and encountering in the media. |
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WELCOME TO MY BLOG! I comment on things I am reading, thinking about, encountering in media, and spiritual issues. I hope you will find something interesting. PS. I love feedback... |
| I took a trip to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving. The last time I was there, I experienced my first symptoms of lymphoma. This time, about 4 days into my time there, I had a dream that I had to have one lung removed and part of another to save me from cancer. I thought it was about remembering what happened before. However, when I arrived home, I had a terrible cough and lung congestion. I took a COVID test and it was positive. It seems as though the dream was really telling me my lungs were in distress with the onset of COVID before I started to cough. The experience reminded me of another experience that happened in the early 1980’s. I was working in a medical clinic as a social worker. An older gentleman, probably in his 70’s came in grieving the death of his identical twin brother. I thought the grief was the problem, but he corrected me. He said he was dying and didn’t want to die alone, so he wanted admission to a nursing home. The problem was his lack of symptoms. The doctor could find no evidence that he was dying. Nevertheless, he was sure that was the case. I talked it over with the doctor and we decided to honor his request, since he could afford to pay his own bill at the nursing home and insurance rules were not a barrier. He was soon admitted. Three weeks later, he died of a brain bleed. As I look back, I also remember that three or four months before I was diagnosed with lymphoma, I became concerned about the heirlooms in my home. I wanted them returned to my family who lives more than eight hundred miles away. I talked to a niece about it and we made a plan that I had not yet completed when the diagnosis came. However, my concern had continued and I couldn’t organize my thinking about my estate. I remember reading from On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kuebler Ross that she routinely told patients that they had more control over their bodies than they had any idea. At the time, I interpreted that to mean that when dying, one has some control over when they will die. I am thinking now that the meaning is broader than that. One type of control is simply knowing before symptoms turn up that something is happening in one’s body. I believe that anyone can notice, but it is easier if one is not in the habit of worrying. When one approaches life with curiosity, they can plan. I learned a long time ago that worry is simply planning with anxiety. I learned that anxiety is not inevitable, that we can choose to be anxious or not to be anxious. I choose not to be anxious because I hate that feeling. It is, however, very important to be aware of my situation and the signals in and around me. It is important to focus long enough on signals to understand them and to make decisions that include the information therein. I think this experience of having the dream came out of that habit. I recognized that my dream was my body talking to me, but I connected it with a past experience rather than the present. I hope that I will remember this and stay in the present next time. |
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