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 |  Are hash tags still cool? |
| After recovering from a small bout of depression, I'm back again to talk about first world problems, make fun of my ridiculousness, and find a place where I can just be me. |
| Prompt: Take a look at this list of values: https://liveboldandbloom.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/400-personal-values-list... Pick your top ten values and rank them based on how important they are to you. Then, write about the values you chose and if any have changed throughout your life. Number 10: Silliness I cannot stand anyone who takes themselves too seriously. Life is insane. I once flushed keys to my apartment, car, and mailbox down a toilet at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Unable to start my car to go home, I suggested maybe an uber or a taxi. That’s when I found out Taxis are not everywhere. Especially, not small towns. I ended up in a diner for hours as we found a way to get the mess sorted out. I walked around the gas station crying into my cardigan as my friends tried to make me feel better. Now, whenever I pass by the gas station, I cannot help but laugh. Shit happens. Number 9: Bravery When I was little my parents took me to a haunted house, three steps in I realized I could not handle it. No one even scared me. I have never been brave, but I admire people who are. Number 8: Longevity It’s Friday and 10 is a big number. Loooonnngggeeevity, just rolls off the tongue. Number 7: Effectiveness. Why should anyone invest a great deal in anything that won’t pan out. If I’m not effective in what I do, I feel like I’m wasting my time and energy. I’m terrible at hobbies that do not have clearly defined goals. Even if the goal is just to become better in the future. Number 6: Passion Literally, anything I say about passion has already been said. It’s Friday night. You know why passion matters. NEXT! Number 5: Depth Holy shit! There’s Ten of these and I’m only at Number fucking 5! Number 4: Self Reliance Self-Reliance and Independence are close enough to the same thing.They go hand in hand. Spoiler Alert: Independence is my Number 1. Number 3: Open-Mindedness I used to think I was open minded until a man on OK cupid told I should consider a poly amorous relationship. I used to think I was open minded until I realized people actually voted for Donald Trump. I try to listen to people before I pass judgment. I think it’s a good way to be. Number 2: Perseverance/Determination Did you not see me persevere to number 2? Number 1: Independence YAYYYYY!!!!! This is my most important value. I’ve been independent my entire life. My mother says I used to swat away her hand when she tried to feed me. I get no greater sense of satisfaction than seeing all that I can do. I love being the master of my life, and not having to answer to anyone. DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT, I MADE IT AND THERE WERE 10! I’m So proud of myself!! Happy Friday People! |
| Prompt: Start your entry today with the words: “I used to believe...” I used to believe one day when I was older, I would age out of depression. I mean I aged out of acne, right? I told my therapist in college that after I graduated, I was not going to deal with this depressive I-can’t-get-out-of-bed shit anymore. Many people told me that I was choosing to be depressed through a number of things: • Not having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. o Having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. o Failing to wake up every morning and make a personal decision to be happy. o Selfishness. o Lack of a healthy fitness routine. o Lack of a routine. And my personal favorite • Apathy (which of course is a symptom of depression) My therapist told me I would not age out of depression. But let’s be real, who ACTUALLY listens to everything their therapist says? I mean if happiness is a choice, what idiot would choose depression? For a short time, choosing happiness did work. I would wake up and say my mantra “Today, I will choose to be happy.” For a short time, everything works. The problem is, after so long, nothing works. The American Indian War best describes my battle with depression. My good fighters are trying to win a gun fight poorly prepared and dying of small pox. I would say the American Indian War is an over dramatic metaphor, but my first choice was that I had one over-worked molecule of serotonin left, and even that molecule had depression. In the infamous words of Casey Anthony, “Surprise. Surprise.” I never did age out of depression. Depression is an illness. I will more than likely always have it. There are many things I have learned about managing my illness. Recently, I learned I should not feel ashamed about needing anti-depressants. I have learned coping skills to help me stay functional even when I feel like doing nothing. I have learned no one is perfect, and to love myself. My current struggle is that most of my coping skills are things I do outside of the house. Due to the active pandemic, I have lost access to some of my favorite ways to cope. I am battling with my mental health on a weekly basis. Sometimes, I am fine. Sometimes, I fall apart. Overall, I have more good days then bad and that’s the silver lining. |
| Write about an object you own that has negligible monetary value, but is priceless to you. I do not own many things from childhood. Most of my possessions were left in a home which was foreclosed. Out of the few things that remained from the foreclosure, much of it was left with my mother’s ex-husband. I have no hope of seeing 95% of the things I once owned. A good therapist would probably ask me, “How do you feel about this?” I have mixed feelings. Pride because I moved to a new city with a small box and a duffel bag. The pride grows when I look around my apartment and see everything I own is a testament of blessings, hard work and sacrifice. I feel sadness because my valuables are gone. A big insecurity for me is that I am not allowed to keep anything nice which leads me to be erratic about purchases over $50. I am terrified of making terrible monetary decisions, and because of this I have a great deal of anxiety at the store. I get frustrated with my mother for never allowing me the opportunity to salvage items special to me. I used to argue with her about everything I lost, but I never received validation for my feelings or an apology. Mostly, all that is left to do is accept that I lost most of my possessions from childhood. At times, I am proud because I feel very separated from the things I own, and other times I am kind of fucked up about the things I own. But, don’t you worry! I’ve got a great well of sadness to draw from to fuel my future depressive episodes, and the no-possessions-from-childhood is not one of my brain’s main downward spirals. My Grandfather loved me very much, but we did not have many things in common. We both played into our gender roles pretty hard. I enjoyed barbie dolls, excessive talking, and playing house. My Grandfather adored football, football, and football. He had an 80-inch television and wasted it on the Dallas Cowboys. He tried to relate to me as a child by telling me about leather football helmets. I told him football was stupid. And of course, just because he was an old man, he CONTINUOUSLY TRIED TO GIVE ME RAISINS. My Grandfather did not talk much, and I assumed he wasn’t listening because somehow, he always managed to keep at least one eye on the game. He would interrupt any conversation, no matter what we were talking about, yelling clapping, and running around if the Cowboy’s ever scored a point. Outside of Football, the one thing I remember about my Grandfather is no matter how little we had to talk about, he tried. Even if the Cowboys were playing, he tried. We were total opposites on paper, we could not relate, but he still tried. My Grandfather listened to me blather on about barbie because he loved me, and because I loved him I sat down and pretended to watch the game. One day for no reason, my grandfather gave me my first collectible barbie doll. She was the first barbie I never took out of the box. He gave her to me because if I was going to love barbie, he wanted me to do it right. I always keep her in the box, and always keep her with me on my shelf. She is one of the few things I still own from my childhood. The Barbie is a I reminder of how much my Grandfather loved me. Since my grandfather passed away many years ago, the Barbie on my shelf reminds me that no matter how wide our differences were, my grandfather loved me with all of his heart. |
| Prompt: Find a local news story that makes you feel something. Share the story along with your opinion on it in your blog. Article Link: Gov. Abbott says hairdressers, barber shops, tanning salons may open on Friday  Hairy Mary Quite Contrary Trying to control her eyebrows and curls My eyebrows are a hot ass wreck. They are bushy, overgrown, and wiry. The mustache I don’t admit to is growing in, and we have not even started talking about my hair. I was raised by a high-maintenance woman and through a combination of genetics and nurture, I was groomed to be just as high-maintenance. At work, people love to do “take a picture at your new workstation” morale raisers. Are they hazing me? I am entirely reliant on my waxing and hair lady. I have come to enjoy our time together watching paternity court and having hair ripped out of my face. When I am feeling depressed, sometimes I go get my hair done as an instant mood lift. However, due to the active PANDEMIC I have made certain lifestyle sacrifices in the best interest of myself. As much as I need my hair and nail lady, I can think of nothing I would hate more than having the esthetician lean in close to my face, breathing the same air, and waxing my brows. Pass. I’d rather stay as bushy as a caveman riding a triceratops in humid weather. Someone can put the square wheels on my car because I am not going one damn place! Governor Abbott cannot trick me with a piece of cheese on a string. I will just be ugly. Him Tarzan. Me Jane. Five years ago, I did not think we would ever hear the words President Trump and Pandemic in the same sentence. Every day of the Trump Administration, I feel it becomes harder to be tolerant of Trump supporters, especially when the Trump Supporter is a friend. It feels as though the way a person decides to vote is reflective of fundamental values. I have never felt so divided from people I normally relate to. It is harder to stay quiet and not post political shit on Facebook. What is this time period? Who are we? I guess the problem is that I want an American leader who brings us together, instead of pushing us apart. A president that I trust to make strong decisions. It is hard to trust the government when you don’t trust the leaders. It is hard to trust those in charge when they run an impeachment trial with no witnesses. It is hard to trust leaders when they do not admit to mistakes. This is a hard time period, and I am worried right now will not be the worst of it. |
| Describe your cooking or baking ability. What was the last thing you cooked/baked that you we’re proud of? Are you a recipe-follower or freestyler? Baking and cooking are two of my favorite activities. On Saturday, I made the dough for 36-hour Browned-Butter Triple Chocolate Chip and Roasted Pecan cookies. The cookies are decadent and overloaded with dark Ghirardelli chocolate, semi-sweet nestle chocolate, and Hershey’s milk chocolate. As I baked, I took videos and posted the videos to music. I chose a sexy Justin Bieber song for the browned butter process, and a 50’s song to show the end result. As a lover of the chocolate chip cookie, I know the perfect chocolate chip cookie is an art form. 1) The bake time has to be exactly right. 2) A cookie dough has to have a strong well put together flavor profile. 3) There is never an excuse to use margarine instead of real butter. You can also smell when it’s just the right time for a cookie to come out of the oven. When I was younger, my friends and I would get prepped for a night out on the town. This always seemed to involve 2-3 girls cramped into one mirror, someone sitting on the toilet texting with a boy, and someone half naked trying to keep up with the conversation in the next room. We would share drinks, lipstick, and gossip. Baking is kind of like hanging with the girls on a Friday night, the process is the best part. Even though it’s fun to eat the cookie, every single step from start to finish is just as rewarding. I always try the recipe the way it is written the first time. When I love a recipe, I start thinking of different ways to make the recipe better. Then, every time I make the recipe, I add my edits. This drives friends and family members insane because I normally taste something that’s already amazing and say, “You know what would really set this off?” |
| What do you do you relax and unwind in the evening? Paint us a picture of your ideal relaxation *Sleeping* My ideal form of relaxation is on a yacht, lounging in a bikini, and sipping martinis. My rich husband laughs about rich people things and I laugh about rich people things too. I post a picture on snap chat and instagram and my millions of followers adore me. I make money off of instagram posts. My actual form of relaxation is laying on the couch, watching Netflix, and chilling out with my best friend on FaceTime. When that gets too boring sometimes we bake with each other. I promise there is nothing more satisfying then watching a Kitchen Aid form stiff peaks. I love meringues. At some point in my relaxing evening I play the sims 4, or finish a craft project. In a relaxing evening you have to finish a craft project, because there is nothing more unsatisfying than an unfinished project. Honestly, sometimes it's late and I cannot put the crochet hook down. Before the Quarantine, I used to go to the gym to relax. I loved sitting on the couch with a nice burn in my abs.I know that I can work out at home, but honestly I feel like a damn fool marching back and forth in my living room alone. I am reminded of being a child when my mom would say to me in front of relatives"Stand up here and sing your little song." There's nothing more embarrassing than performing in the living room. I think I was traumatized by family gatherings. |
| What one fictional character would you most like to meet and talk to? Why? What would you like to ask? I hate meeting new people. Honestly, anytime someone asks me an “if you could have dinner with,” or “if you could meet” question, I inwardly cringe. I have never experienced any desire to meet new people alive or dead, fiction or nonfiction, famous or non-famous. In fact, I would spend all day dreading the eventual meeting. Why? I hate chit chat. I hate the awkward parts of getting to know someone. I hate networking. I hate social gatherings. I hate frat parties. I hate bible studies. I hate tailgates. I hate first dates. Once, I went to Starbucks and witnessed a girl go on a first date with a guy she met online. The handsome young man came up, shook her hand, and she invited him to sit down. The girl asked engaging questions, and the two chortled. It was cute. When I was younger, I went on a first date where I ran out of things to say five seconds after arriving. The bartender took pity on our failed conversation and did all the talking for the two of us. Only after I sat next to my date for 30 minutes, did we finally start talking on our own. I’m like a beta fish, I have to get used to people being there. If someone asked me to meet a fictional character, and I had prior knowledge… I would shut down. I would have a panic attack. I would facetime Chrystel 30 times. I would re-consider therapy. Drunk and surprised is the only way I would have any real interest in meeting a fictional character. And who would I meet? Rose from Titanic to determine the reason she threw a diamond into the ocean? Sandy from Grease to inquire whether or not she and Danny worked out? Buffy the Vampire Slayer to learn about what life looked like for a high school drop out with no special powers? Holden Caufield to talk to him about his jacked up attitude? Nick Twisp to tell him Sheeni is just a girl, let that shit go? Gideon Cross because he's fine as hell? Nope, fuck all of that shit. I would meet Spiderman. Peter Parker seems like the type of fictional character to kick it with. He’s a good kid who doesn’t follow the rules too closely and wouldn’t be mad when I overshared. I would ask him which girlfriend he is on, and what the future holds for him. Does he plan on being Spiderman forever? I think he would be a well-suited engineer. I also respect him for putting school first, declining an invitation from the avengers, and being an all-around good guy. Most importantly, I would ask him for a web slinging ride around the city which is the only reason I wanted to meet him in the first place. |
| May 1st: Tell us something uplifting! We need good news now more than ever. What is something positive that happened or is about to happen in your life? What has made you smile recently? When my last computer decided not to turn on anymore, I was very upset. The price to have my computer fixed was $600, and I still had not won the lottery, been selected for my HGTV dream home (I’m claiming my victory), or married rich. Therefore, I could not afford to replace my computer. Instead of replacing my computer, I purchased an I-pad. The I-pad was great, but all I wanted was a computer. I was finally able to afford my dream computer after years of prioritizing other expenses over a laptop. My computer makes writing much easier and has afforded me the opportunity to rejoin one of my favorite websites writing.com. Writing.com really takes my mind off of everything going on in the world around me, and I’ve noticed a significant upswing in my attitude since I’ve had more access to an online community. Another positive thing that happened to me, is that I was able to purchase both hand soap AND paper towels at Walmart today. I was also able to find a non-shitty non 1 ply toilet paper. I’m not sure why everyone is still over purchasing supplies, but it’s been a war trying to find basic necessities. I find that I have to start days in advance planning my best strategy on limiting my exposures to stores and getting everything that I need. At one point, I bought hand sanitizer in a parking lot. While shopping has been challenging, I have been fortunate to eventually gain access to everything I need without running out. Toilet paper and hand soap feels like a big win for me. During the Quarantine, I’ve also created a personal turn down service. You may not know this about me, but I’m not rich. Therefore, I cannot afford a servant to do servant things. (Are they even called servants anymore? Maybe, I mean slave. No, servant is better) In one of my favorite books A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, coffee is the one luxury the Nolan family affords because everyone should be allowed one luxury. This is my luxury! My turn down service is a nightly tuck in I perform where I move the bed sheet down, burn incense, turn on my diffuser, and put on a light relaxing piano. Then, I occupy my time for 30 minutes doing wind down activities (like writing). When I enter my bedroom, it feels like my servant prepared my bedroom for me. Since my room is so relaxing, I’ve started meditating just before bed. I feel like meditating has centered me and provided a feeling of general wellness. I started an anti-depressant recently, and Chrystel swears the anti-depressant is helping more than the meditation. But, the meditation has to be doing something because I’m calmer in general. |
| How has your idea of lockdown/quarantine changed since the beginning of this month? When everything first started I could not tell what was trumped up Facebook bullshit and cold hard facts. This is mainly because I am a notorious skimmer from e-mails to news articles. I blame Donald Trump’s presidency. Before COVID became a big deal, the president tried to kill us all (yet again) by attempting to pick World War III with Iran and I was consumed with Bernie losing the primaries. As a result, I was very upset with both Democrats AND the Trump administration, I wanted to pretend like Washington did not exist, and I stopped watching the news. The problem is I hate reading the news. I just need a SHORT news article. EXAMPLE: Worldwide Pandemic is China’s fault. There will be no toilet paper, wash your hands, don’t touch face, and stay 6 feet away from everyone. Mainly elderly and people with pre-existing conditions at greatest risk, and please use google for the symptoms. Unfortunately, I love reading gossipy-end-of-the-world Facebook posts. Therefore I panic purchased like there was no tomorrow. I stared at people like I could not trust them. I sprayed Lysol on the door handles anytime anyone stopped by. I had a refrigerator full of hot pockets and meat. I was prepared for martial law to be enacted at any moment by the National Guard. A little girl coughed at the store and I almost threw a fit. I really thought the quarantine was going to involve the military driving through the streets in tanks, with a Sergeant yelling through a bullhorn and handing out rations. These days the Quarantine looks like me wasting away on the couch, eating my stockpile of hot pockets and ice cream, playing the Sims 4, and crying on Saturdays. No one said there would be zombies, but almost all my ex-boyfriends have popped up on my social media just to say “hello.” (We all know what that’s about). Additionally, all the junk food has caused me to have 3 ZITS (Am I 17 again ?) My upstairs neighbors are also launching a terroristic campaign against me personally. All day long it's stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. All night long it's yell, scream, stomp, stomp. The constant arguing of my neighbors proves to me the only thing worse then quarantining alone might be quarantining in a relationship. Maybe I'm blessed to not be in love with someone I cannot stand. Right now, they're sitting on the patio laughing. THEY ARE DRIVING ME INSANE. UPDATE: I just stuck my head outside to investigate the noise. It was not the upstairs neighbors, but two people who happened to run into each other while walking their dogs. They've moved on now. Probably because I looked like Jack Nicholson when I opened the door to investigate. Yeah, I told them. In short, I am now battling the boredom and the exes, but not the National Guard. I am also doing my personal best to keep my mental health in check ( a daily struggle). The hardest part of the quarantine is finding coping strategies that don't involve me going places. When things get tough, I can't just go out. There are many days when I get all inside my head. There is.a toll of all this isolation, but I keep hoping that everything will clear up so we can just go back to normal. It's just right now, and not forever is my new motto. Maybe after this, I'll get it tattooed. |
| This weekend, my BFF Chrystel came to visit me. We had a staycation. Guess who has lifted spirits? Chrystel lifted my spirits up so much that I realized all the bitching I’d been doing about my back, my job, the state of our nation, children at grocery stores, my back, the men on all the dating websites, my back, Iran, the internets, my upstairs neighbors, deportation camps, reddit, ads on YouTube, BLATANT SABOTAGE and how unfair life is in general was all a bit unnecessary. The things I normally do to combat stressors are on hiatus right now. Working from home means there’s no separation of work from home. So instead of having the opportunity to de-stress on the way home, at the gym, or the mall…. it’s me, Netflix, stress, then more me. I’ve been the empty little Zoloft blob rolling around under a dark cloud. Does anyone understand how much energy it takes to keep rolling around under that dark cloud? While, I’d love to tell everyone that I’ve handled COVID-19 with mental toughness, that’s not the truth. I’m an extrovert, and I’m struggling. I tell nearly everyone I know that you can’t pour from an empty cup. When a cup is overflowing, it’s nearly impossible to fill it with new water. Instead, things are moving, free flowing, and they never get stagnant. When my cup is empty – meaning I have no energy – I let everything stay in my cup longer than it really should. Negative thoughts start to fester on the bottom like mold, and it feels like I can’t shake it. I want to let minor injustices go, but I just can’t because everything is the end of the world. The worst part is I can hear myself becoming more negative, then I hate myself for being so negative, and then I feel even worse. I don’t want to be a negative person, but sometimes I am. Chrystel coming over re-filled my cup, and I feel like I’m pouring from a full cup. I hate when I feel myself getting dark, and just don’t know how to pull out of it. |
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Independence is so important. There's no better feeling than knowing that you can do something for yourself without assistance.
