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About my everyday life, my struggles with addiction, sexual abuse, bipolar and family |
A blog about my life and how I got through some serious issues in hopes for a better tomorrow  |
| I decided to stop calling that guy I met in my meeting. He's not available physically or emotionally and I need to work on my steps. I have so much fear that I am going to fail doing my steps it is really hampering my recovery. I have major self-esteem and self-worth issues I don't know how I'm gonna get thru them. I feel absolutely miserable. Far cry from how I felt last week. I'm into self-sabotaging and I hate myself for that. This is the way I look at things and I am trying to change them. sex = love man = worth weight = self-esteem warped thinking I know but when you've been abused and sexually abused you get trust issues and distorted thoughts. Completing the 12 steps seems so far away and right now I don't know if I can do it. I love the way I felt last week and I want that feeling again. I just have so much baggage. |
| I'm still having trouble sharing in na, but not aa. I think I am seeking approval from my sponsor and the other meeting members and it's cause me not being able to speak. When I'm in AA, I find myself not seeking approval. It is all so crippling. I went out to dinner with my NA male friend last night. It was nice. We've had a lot of sex, but that is so typical in my addiction. I hope he doesn't only like me because of that then I would be a slut. I have lost that peaceful feeling I had a few days ago. I got to get over this approval thing. All of a sudden I am seeking approval from people I never did before. I know I must approve of myself but it's hard when this old ugly stuff comes up while doing the steps. |
| I finally shared at the na meeting this morning that I wanted all guys to back off and stop wanting sex from me. It's really annoying when you're trying to stay clean and work through the recovery process. I wrote a weird poem today and I want to share it with you. LIFE AMONGST THE DEAD Creatures of the cryptic kind, with monsters on the wall. Skeletons hanging from the stairs, eerie voices down the hall. Empty rooms, stinch of death, what’s seen is still unseen. Cookoo clocks stuck in time, what does this really mean? Cobwebs stuck in many places, a piano without its keys. A feeling of sheer spookyness, the clattering of someone’s knees. Curtains ripped beyond repair, ghost dust lay on the floor. Howlings heard through hollow cracks, squeaking of all the doors. A lightening strike at the midnight hour, with horror in the bones. Black bats outline the moonlight, spirits moan and groan. A transparent man of older age, with a shovel beneath his arm. Awaiting near a six foot hole, for the man who did him harm. Behind these cryptic walls of hell, revenge still has to wait. Vacant is the burial hole, for his killer that he hates. A body’s dead, a soul alive, there’s a demon on the loose. Caught up in these haunted horrors is a rope into a noose. A hanging light, an image here, to the life in which they led. Death is but forever now, to the blood in which they bled. |
| Well that guy in my morning meeting likes me, but he is unavailable just like all the other guys in my life have been. He has kids, an ex-wife although he was extremely affectionate, which I liked. It gave me a good experience to replace some of the bad ones. Too bad. I am just tired of being alone. I want a friend who can be there for me. Possibly one who can go through the steps with me. One who is definitely clean. Maybe next time. |
| I surrendered my life to God through my recovery from drugs. Here is my most recent poem: I Need You I’m down on my knees, I am asking for help. I’m realizing now, I can’t do it myself. I surrender my life, my heart, my soul. My disease of addiction, is taking its toll. I need your guidance, so I can be strong. I need your love, to help mend my wrongs. I need your protection, from all that I fear. I need to listen, to what I don’t hear. I need these things, and those out of reach. I need your instruction, so to others I teach. But most of all, it’s you that I need. In my life always, so I can succeed. WRITTEN BY: KYM ERICKSON 1/23/12 |
| I met someone in my morning meeting group. They say not to date anyone until you've been clean for a year. This guy is great. We have a lot in common and he's very affectionate. I don't know where it's going, but I am just enjoying my self being with someone and being clean. There is definitely a big difference and if this is what it's going to be like, I LOVE IT. I will not let me him my recovery in any way. I still go to all my meetings. I am having some trouble on step two of the steps in regards to God. So hopefully I can work through it. I hope everyone had a great weekend. I know the past 3 or 4 days for me have been AWESOME. It's really nice to feel this way and it's not just cause I met someone, it's all of it. |
| I was finally able to release and confront the fact that I had been raped 10 months ago. I got the words out in a poem. It's pretty blunt. Raped by My Best Friend It seemed we were the best of friends, at least that’s what I thought. After what you did to me, too bad you didn’t get caught. You know exactly what you’ve done, and I’m here to finally say. That raping me in my sleep, was simply not okay. When I woke the next morning, there was Semen inside of me. I know I wasn’t seeing things, it came out when I peed. I minimized this in my mind, and denied that it was true. There’s no way we had sex, because I trusted you. I continued being friends with you, like it never even occurred. Causing damage only to myself, and making the rape a blurr. We both had our addictions, with childhood baggage too. You drank alcohol, I did drugs, for the pain we each went through. We shared a lot of personal pain, and common things we shared. With you I was most vulnerable. because I thought you cared. One night I took a pill to sleep, and trusted you when you stayed. How was I to ever know, that I was going to get laid? For a year I couldn’t face this. still in denial I believe. Now I’m facing it head on so this demon finally leaves. I’m angry and I hate you, for what you’ve done to me. To let go of this pain and hurt, will finally set me free. WRITTEN BY: KYM ERICKSON 1/19/12 WRITTEN IN RE: TO MIKE PUSBACH WHO RAPED ME IN MY SLEEP IN 2011 WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE AND UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF AMBIEN SLEEP PILL.. |
| I finished Step One of the 12 steps. I think I finished it too fast, couple of days. Today I am feeling emotionally tired. I'm gonna wait a few days before I start Step Two. Things are going well. I feel myself changing and my way of thinking has changed.I have great support, for once in my life My latest poetry. Soul Survivor Slave angel of the demon sky, it’s time you look me in the eye. Chains are wrapped around your neck, I can see that you’re a wreck. Fight the demon your own way, don’t let him live another day. He’s evil and he’s wicked too, he’ll eat you up that’s what he’ll do. Fight for what you believe, the demon likes to deceive. See beyond the battle zone, and know that you are not alone. Your strength will help you win the fight, your soul will take you to the light. You're an angel from heavens gate, therefore, you will never wait. Keep the demon far away, and out of your life everyday. The chains will loosen and release, to bring your soul inner peace. WRITTEN BY: KYM ERICKSON 1/17/12 |
| I finished with Step One. Well almost. I had a pot pipe that I had been holding on to for security and in case I wanted to use again. Well I through that away yesterday in the big trash cash so I couldn't go dumpster diving to get it. I don't really feel much freedom from doing that, but knowing I had it was blocking my recovery. So far my family is respecting the time I need to do my steps. It's nice not to hear all the problems between my brother and his wife. I like having contact on my terms. So another day clean and I am very grateful. |
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created by God continue to light your way and blanket you with his loving warmth from the cold dark path of drugs and alcohol. You Are Awesome =) Take care.
cause I am.... but I relate to what this poem itself is saying. I wish I had an angel, someone to lean on, I guess you can say... but don't think I understood belief in angels et cetera... I guess I am just glad that even in creativity someone can understand what we go through--even if its just a creative fictional level.
