so I am using this as my book. a messed, up, not compiled series of thoughts that will eventually become a book. I am also using it for nanowrite....and here I start to pull out thoughts at random just to get words out. Eventually it will be edited. I know that it will be filled with typos, misspellings, and bad grammar. the point is to write and edit later.
Oh, Connie. This is more than heartbreaking. It is gut-wrenching and mind-numbing. I sit here clutching my heart, just as you and I have discussed doing, hoping to somehow be able to keep in intact. Sometimes I hate them for doing this to us; other times I love them so much for the pain they were obviously enduring.
This story, from your oldest daughters' perspective, is so emotionally raw and real. She really should continue writing, for both her sake as well as yours and Kaitlyn's. She asks, "How much longer must we wait?" There is no solid answer for that. But, I can promise, 13 years later, that time DOES, in fact, begin to heal the wounds. Of course, this time period is different for everyone. And it matters how you spend those years trying to recover from such a tragic disaster.
You know that all my love, heart, understanding and compassion are with you and your entire family. I can't wait until this turns into the book you have your heart set on. It will be one helluva story!
You know, I've considered suicide --- even created scenarios acting it out. Fortunately, I was still myself enough to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. Thankfully the help prescribed did, indeed, help me. I can see where pride and extreme mental anguish could hinder one from telling and, hence, precipitate following through. I'm sure if your dad was in his right mind, he wouldn't have done such a thing; and I am positive he was so distraught he gave no thought to the aftermath, an impossibility in his tortured state.
Our God is merciful.
Thank you for sharing from the depths of your heart.
This is a very emotional item. I went through a terrible time with PTSD for many years with thoughts of suicide. It was ugly!
Although I can undersand how someone could do such a thing, I love my family far too much to put them through something like that.
I will ask the Great Spirit to guide your father in the next life, and I will pray for him and for you!
Oldwarrior
I lost my father this way also, in 1998. I know it is hard to write about this, but, at the same time, it is healing. I wrote a poem called, "Life Lesson From Suicide" about my Dad, then I wrote an account of my Mom's healing called "Strength of Simple Faith." I was an ocean away in Germany in the military when it happened. And, my father also lived in Indiana. I'm from Indiana. He and my mother had been married for 23 years when it happened. It was shock. I remember crying for my mother's loss, but because of my Christian faith I was in a mixed state of confusion and anger, the latter of which would come to fruition a few years later when my husband decided to leave me. I finally realized that there is nothing to be angry about. My Dad is gone and it is not up to me what happens to him now.
I understand what you are going through. My Dad was my main encourager in my life, but I've had many others put in my life more recently.
Alas the final unanswered question...why? The word, the question, the enigma, and the dead end. Why? That one question/word that brings so much pain and frustration...
I cannot begin to imagine how you feel, but know that there are those you can talk to, such as us. You have already talked to us by telling us this story.
It takes guts to write about personal things like this, and I commend you for that. I also lost someone to suicide (an uncle), and I know it can be something that is really, really difficult to deal with.
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