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My Blog for 2008, things are going to change, a quest for happiness |
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New year’s sucks!! Have you ever wondering what the point of life is, have you ever actually thought what your doing here on earth, what’s your purpose, and then when you realise its an unanswerable question you forget and return to your shallow life, full of crap, lies, dishonestly, and just general shit. And its so true, life is pretty weird, full of unanswerable questions, but for now without getting too dark and deep I’m living my typical, shallow, crap life, dreaming and wishing that things could change, hoping that one day someone will pluck me from my normal family and make me a star, make me happy, let me make a difference. And here I am New Year’s Eve, 9.50, sitting on the sofa in a mate’s living room, at a house party with a vodka and coke in my hand and Oliver’s arm around me. And you want to know why life is so shit now. There are many reasons: But here’s to name a few: I don’t even like vodka and coke, but everyone else is drinking and somehow I know that I do not want to be the sober person to sort the drunken rabble out at god knows what time in the morning. (Give me blackcurrant squash anyway, but shsssh!) Oliver’s arm around me is suffocating me, no he’s not strangling me but it feels like it, I don’t fancy him, not at all, right now I’m repulsed by him, and then though of kissing him at midnight is enough to make me actually be sick…oh god I can feel something rising from my stomach…am I going to be sick…. ah no just a burp, excuse me, see I told you coke doesn’t agree with me. I never even said I’d go out with him, I said and to quote ‘maybe we could see how things go’. An when he brought me the ‘to my special girlfriend’ Christmas card, I was too flattered perhaps to put him right. But if there is one thing that is going to prevent me from having to kiss Oliver at midnight then that is me being well and truly pissed, and so that is what I must do. I have to go back to college a week today, I hate college in its self, I hate the people there, I hate the teachers. You see I thought going to some sort of prestigious college for reasonably brainy people might actually be good for me, but how wrong could I have been, I hate it there, actually hate it. I haven’t done any work in weeks and now in just over a weeks time I have exams to face and I just simply wont be able to answer the questions. I don’t know about being clever, it make me feel thick. I do not get on with my mother, I resent her so much, I do things to actually annoy her. I don’t feel 18; I feel 13, a stupid teenager. And I just know that she’ll be mad…once again when I get in tomorrow morning whatever time, unable to walk in a straight line. And all this crap I have just written above, about drunken antics, guys I’m supposedly dating but don’t like, my intolerable relationship with my mother just makes me hate myself even more because I well and truly do sound like a idiotic 14 year old instead of an mature sensible adult. I’m 18 years old, and I might as well be 4 the way I’m talking. So there we go life is crap, and that is why I take another very big gulp of my vodka and coke, in the hope that tonight, when I can shake off the drooling puppy on my arm I can forget and just have fun! 2008 here we come. So then New Year’s resolutions, everyone’s made one. Charlotte’s is to make it to college on time every day, she’ll never do it, the college won’t even care, she’s just got into oxford. Lee’s is to pass his driving test and to have a relationship with a nice guy. That right he’s our gay friend, we love him to bits, he’s hilarious but when a guy walks into the pub and he whispers to us that he’s sucked so and so’s cock, besides been information I really don’t want to know it also tells me that he’s probably not mature enough for a proper relationship, even though he’s older than me. Oliver told me his resolution was to have some memorable ‘me and him’ moments, and I can tell you that will defiantly fail because i’m dumping him. I decide that about two days ago, I just haven’t told him yet. And my resolution, well, as I’ve just proved above resolutions are pointless anyway, but seen as we’re making them mine is to act my age and…and be happy. Believe me 2008 cannot be worse, but they do say things always get worse before they get better, I hope that for once that is not true. So here’s to a happy 2008, and whatever makes me happy then please bring it along. (Preferably In the form of a hot boyfriend and good grades in my A levels). But I’m not picky, general happiness would be good! |
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