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This is me rambling on and on about...whatever I feel like. Nice, eh? |
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I've always wanted a blog. I hope I can actually keep it up, and make it as interesting as possible for the readers. Sorry if I am failing miserably at either of those things. **Hope you like hockey. Then again...how could you not? 8>) |
| So there's this one quote I jacked from the poetry newsletter. "Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are 'It might have been.'" by John Greenleaf Whittier. This is the quote that prompts me to do dangerous things. Or should I say, things that I normally wouldn't do. Because who wants to look back and wonder what could have happened? Not me. It's that whole risk thing. And I also agree with this quote. Because looking back at games and such, there are a lot of things that "might have been." Like, remember that time I missed the net during that one goal game? Oh right. That makes me sad, too. "Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil." -Aristotle My friend wrote this one in her journal I was reading. I am just a quote jacker lately, I guess. Anyway, it's kind of confusing thinking that fear is actually pain. That's like saying excitement is happiness or toast is donuts or something. I mean, we have different names for emotions because they are actually different. But then again, fear is just a type of pain. I can understand how fear would be painful. Like nerves are painful. Like, I'd be more comforable right now if I wasn't worrying like crazy or stressed out or who knows what. But aniticipation of evil? So like, the word anticipation means that it's not necessarily evil...right? Like, I'm bracing myself for evil, even though it's actually spiders, or heights, or public speaking, etc. Yeah, I like it. It sounds really cool. And then it's like, speaking in front of large crowds isn't evil, so why should I fear it. Well, maybe it could be. I dunno, I'm just speculating here. Conflicting thoughts and fist-fighting views. It's a messed up choice But it's up to me to choose. Heh there's a hockey game tonight and we're hanging out after. It's my mom's birthday today, so I believe there will be food and dessert involved. Mmm. I just really want to have fun tonight, and chase them around without fear (hm) of running into the boards again. My mind has no say in that matter, my body just automatically slows down. I just have to recognize it so that I don't do it, eh? 8>) It will be great. I felt so brave after Tuesday's game. We totally beat one of the top teams in the conference. It was amazing, and I hope I remember that feeling tonight and all the other nights. Invincible, that's what it feels like. The best cannot defeat us 8>) Tonight I want to smile like I did on that night. Mmmm hmm. My friend plays on the other team, though, so I hope she has a good time too. And I mean that in the best possible way 8>) I have to go clean a bit now. And brush my teeth. So I guess I'll talk more later, then. Bye~! |
| So today, I want to say I was thinking about something, but I was pretty much void of all thought. I just moved through the day. It was wierd. I'm living in a shadowland Where the lights are merely smoldering coals dying like the sun on the horizon its hazy cloudy soft and dark like a warm summer night when the air smells like barbeque smoke and freshly cut grass like tired and relaxed. a deep breath calming steady sharp. So I thought that I'd follow through with my quote idea...because there are all too many ideas that don't get followed up. Like, oh, let's go do this sometime and then its three months later and nothings been done. That happens a lot. And that's not cool. Time...is something I don't like to mess with. It was easy to leave it alone before I made all these...ideas...that people expect me to uphold. And I want to, I really do. But there are a lot of them, and I don't want to hang out with someone too much and some not enough, because then I'll forget how fun the others are. I don't want to neglect my friends. But I want to make time for everyone else too. And my parents want me to be home more and work on stuff around the house, and I'm like, time time time. I wish I could drive, then everything would be so much easier. But for some reason I'm a crap driver and I'm not to happy with my instructor. Whatever, it doesn't matter. You see how pointless my thinking is today? I move from one thing to the next like my head is a hot potato. Geez. I'm in the clouds or something. Anyway. Quotes. Right. I really like ones that are to music, because then the tone affects the emotion that is conveyed by the words. So maybe you need to hear them to understand. So just look em up if you're actually that curious. 1. "They say that good things take time, but really great things happen in the blink of an eye." -Hannah Montana's 'One in a Million' A lot of people, including myself, imagined Hannah Montana to be just another lame Disney star, but her music is actually very good. Anyway, this quote is actually pretty true. Examples: final buzzer of a winning hockey game, a goal, a one word answer, etc. It's kind of hopeful too, like what might happen in the next 5 seconds, eh? It's pretty nice to think about. 2. "I dunno what I want, so don't ask me, 'cause I'm still tryin to figure it out." -Taylor Swift's 'A Place in this World.' Yep, that's me. I like listening to words I can identify with. It makes me feel less wierd. 3. "I wanna trip inside your head, spend the day there. To hear the words you haven't said, see what you might see. I wanna hear you when you call. Do you feel anything at all? I wanna see your thoughts take shape and walk right out." -U2's 'Miracle Drug' This has got to be one of my favorite songs, just because the lyrics are amazing. I mean, a lot of songs are great, but this one always sticks out. Don't we all just want to break into someone else's head? It would be pretty sweet. Then again, there is probably a lot of stuff I would rather not hear. But I will always be curious. Then later there is another pretty great line "Freedom has a scent, like the top of a newborn baby's head." That quote, on the other hand, I do not understand. Wow. I just like it for some reason. 4. "At night on them banks I'd lie awake, and hold her close just to feel each breath she'd take." -Bruce Springsteen 'The River' This is one where the tone makes it sound really meaningful. Then again, it is when you actually think about it. Feeling someone else breathe, regardless of whether they are your child, spouse, etc, is a pretty powerful thing. Breath=life. duh. It is real. Don't worry, you aren't alone. Argh my mom wants me to go to bed now. It might take me awhile to think of some more. There are a lot out there, and I will find them, muahaha. I think I might write a book on it. Another idea that I'll probably forget about for years and years till it's too late to do anything about. Yuck. Told you I was acting wierd today. But alas, finals are done. I am trying to not worry about them, but I'm pretty sure that's not working. Math went fine, history not as well, but it's all done, and new classes begin on Tuesday. Woo. This is the end of the entry, before something stupid comes out. I didn't talk about him the entire entry. Muahaha. |
| I am a hypocrite. And I am a hypocrite for saying that I hate hypocrites, even though I am one. That may sound a little confusing, but trust me. I thought it out, and it's true. (I'm pretty sure if I start going now, I will be up half the night. But...I can't resist. Moving on.) It's just... I get so frustrated when people say mean stuff, but I still say mean stuff. And I might talk bad about someone, and then get upset when someone else talks about the same person. It's like, thats MY person to badmouth. Geez. 8>) But seriously. It's so hard not to talk about people sometimes, especially when they... disagree with you on certain things. So everyone, if I talk bad about you, I'm really sorry. It's all spare frustration coming out against ya. It's like a quote my math teacher told us the other day, that he learned from his math teacher forever ago or something. "Strong minds talk about ideas. Average minds talk about events. Weak minds talk about people." Or something like that. I'm going off the top of my head, so you'll have to bear with me. But it just hit me so... it's a pretty good description. Obviously, sometimes our minds are weak. Hopefully they are strong more often. Inevitable? I dunno. Someday (hopefully sooner, before I can no longer) I will make a whole blog entry about my favorite quotes and why I like them. Heh, that sounds like some sort of English project or something. Awh crap, speaking of, there is one that I have to do. Hmm. Anyway. One quote that really pops into my head is one that I have hanging from my dresser mirror (wierd...? maybe). It's from a Jars of Clay song. "We are pawns of all the things we love." And I mean, in songs, quotes sound good just because of the emotion in the voice and the build up of the instumentals, etc. But after liking it for the sound it made, I liked it for the meaning. Pawns are in chess. Something to be moved, controlled... We are controlled by all the things we love. Yes, that is very true. Hint hint. If people weren't controlled by things they loved, where would they end up going? Striving for something that doesn't matter, or what? I mean, some things we love are more important than others....right? My entire schedule, for the most part, is worked around hockey. If there is something I even consider wanting to do, and it interferes with my skating, it's an automatic no. It sounds a lot worse than it actually is (I think?) but I don't really notice, because I love hockey, after all. I will do things for my friends for absolutely no reason at all. Besides the fact that they are my friends. Enough said. I like to make my parents happy. You get the idea, I'm sure. But when I heard this quote, it didn't make it sound like a good thing. The way it was said...I dunno, maybe I misinterpreted it. Our lives are run by the things we love? Whats so bad about that? Love is good. Love is patient, love is kind. I don't know why I'm trying to preach on this quote, because when you are trying to tell a lesson you should usually have....a lesson, you know? I can do all this explaining on my thoughts about the quote, but I don't have a conclusion or anything. One that says, go do this. I mean, I could try but who knows if I'm even close to right? What am I gonna do, e-mail the band? I think not. Maybe it's like, be careful what you choose to love. Because you don't want to be controlled by something that's gonna mess you up and lead you the wrong way. Immediatly I'm thinking about a book I read (gosh wow) where the girl character falls in love with the guy character, and everything is just peachy until he starts beating her and telling her to keep her mouth shut. Guess who she loves? Guess who's controlling her? Then there is the whole self-love issue. That leads down some pretty bad trails as well. Like, arrogance and everyone hating you. Woo hoo. I like to think that my priorities are pretty straight, and I'm not crazy about something that's gonna get me into trouble... but what about all those Sunday morning games, eh? Or the gossiping? Or who knows what else? I was thinking awhile ago that I am very vulnerable. Don't ask me why; I couldn't tell you. And maybe that's why I like this quote, and I taped it to my mirror. Because I'm vulnerable, not because I dunno why. 8>) Today I was thinking about (how excited I am to be skating again) sitting out, and watching my team play without me. Some people might think, oh, it's boring to be watching. You signed up to play, not to watch. Then I remembered watching them cheer around the net without me, skate warm-ups or whatever, listen to the coach talk....and it wasn't boredom I felt. I was detatched. It was like I was watching some other team, and not my own. And I thought, that's why I don't like sitting out. Because when a team is together, whether or not they are best friends, or even like eachother (though that helps) it's a powerful thing. It almost sends off a vibe. And seeing my teammates in my school colors doing a cheer without me? It was a very wierd feeling. It's like when you're trying something new, and no one knows you and you don't know them. You look around and wonder what you are even doing there. You wonder if it's a scene out of your new library book or if it's actually your life. It's joining a conversation half way through and wondering what they're talking about. Left out. Separated. Watching from outside the TV screen. I always loved being at the hockey rink because no matter how many times I felt like that throughout the day, at school, playing the violin, talking to the girly girls, whatever, I NEVER felt like that at the rink. Until recently, anyway. But it's done now 8>) I'm playing tomorrow! *jumps up and down, maybe dances a little* I dunno what the word is...not sympathy, empathy maybe, that describes knowing what someone is going through. If it's the word I'm thinking, empathy is better than sympathy because you can relate to the person and they actually feel better. --I'm feeling selfish lately, so I'm the last one to talk about this. But... being a hypocrite that hates hypocrites...-- Whatever you do, don't say that what you went through was worse. When someone is trying to explain why they are feeling like crap, don't say something like "I feel like that all the time" because then I might feel guilty for complaining about it... Even though what I just said might have contradicted my whole empathy spiel. If only I knew the definition... oh well, it's a fine line, I believe. One I'm willing to learn from. (I treat her feelings about the same situation the same way ... so I really feel kind of bad knowing how annoying it feels.) (Did that even make sense? Wow) The million dollar question Allix...Who? Heh heh I dunno where that came from. And I might be talking crap, I dunno. I just know what my feelings tell me. (Right now they were saying that the last paragraph was insensitive and stupid. But I think I'll leave it there, thank you very much). I am controlled by my stupid, annoying feelings! Dang it! That explains a lot. Wow. Um. Heh heh. If I were controlled by my feelings and those occasional impulses (stupid text messaging and stupid guys. Stupid) then I would stay up another hour and finish talking about...whatever I was just talking about but since I am being controlled by reason (for the time being) I know I'm going to go to bed right now. It is...7 hours until I need to wake up. Then tomorrow will be a late night because I will be (skating!) at the game, and I need to wake up rediculously early on Wednesday for Drivers Ed (blech). So now that you know all of that.... Goodnight. ~Be smart. |
| I still am thinking along the same lines I was last time I blogged. Which means: I'm not really thinking at all, just kind of going. But we all know how that goes...I hope I'm not the only one anyway....whatever. So here's another poem: Oppertunity presents itself in hidden ways. It's stealthy and quiet as it tries to sneak past. Seldom does it jump out at you, calling your name When one door closes another door opens. It's a long hallway with doors lining the sides. Blocked passages, None to take. I find that the best poems are actually written when you aren't trying. Which is why the one above is so lame. If you would like another example of this, check out the one I wrote at the rink today: Shooting shooting all day long. I thought I could do it but I was wrong. Skating skating Oh what fun But I cannot till the concussion is done. See how totally thoughtless I am being lately? Well, it's not really thoughtless, per se, it's just the same thoughts over and over again, so they are getting a little old. I need a...break. No. I need to skate. Good news: The doc said I could play again, as of Wednesday. Bad news: I want to play tomorrow. The final piece of news re: my head: I am playing tomorrow anyway. So yesterday I attended Girl's Shopping Day, and it was pretty wierd. We shopped and stuff, and that's not really new to me, it's just everything else. The convos and the boys and all that jazz. Like, if I see a random guy I'm not gonna go up to him and be like, "You're hot. Take my number," but supposedly that's what regular people do. I'm like, "What?" It's just another layer of innocence I didn't know I had. There is stuff out there that I have never even thought/heard of before, and I just have to accept that. I mean, I knew that I was fairly ignorant in the grand scheme of things, but these girls are my age. That's crazy stuff. You can never assume you know someone from what they're like at school, I guess.... Don't get me wrong, they are nice and everything, but it's just a bit of an eye opener some of the stuff real girly girls do. Wow. Someone should write a book on it. Just like someone should teach a course called "Male Psychology." It would be packed, I swear. Speaking of, we are registering for next year soon...and as my high school career is winding down more and more every day, it is very important that I be careful picking classes. Or so my mom says. Like, I should take all the ones I want next year and not pace into senior year. Which made me wonder....because I don't really want to go off campus, just because I love my school 8>) But, there is always the chance that I might, in which case I need to take as many fun electives as I can before then. Right? Right. I have just realized that I only have like, a week and a half until my membership expires, and my blog is done. So I have to make these last entries really good, so I'll leave with a bang before moving on to some other venue. Or I will just stick to paper, and my thoughts will be solely my own. I dunno if that sentance made sense. See, thats a plus side of keeping your journal private- no one cares if you use a word the wrong way or don't write complete sentances. It's kind of freeing, actually. Today, it is hazy The sun is not shining Fog enters my mind Sleepy and spent. Time moves slowly But the day wastes away Can't think of anything half way decent to say. To him or to you Nor to myself. Inspiration comes occasionally but it disappears just as quick. You never know its there Until it grips your heart. A note from a song Or a word in a book It tells you what you secretly need to know. That something is coming, waiting for you Beyond what you see and hear and feel. Bigger and better than you ever expected And you only have grab it Extend your fingers the littlest bit. It doesn't matter if it's uncomfortable. The best things don't ever come easy. If you never long for something enough It won't be as good once you have it. If you never cry a little bit A smile will never have it's full value. If you don't walk in the slush The snow is never really soft and nice. It's snowing out right now, you see. But you can hardly see it. It blends in with the colorless sky. Void of all feeling It's just one of those days. It's really cold out. Must be below zero, or something. I dunno, winter is the best place to be sometimes... just not lately. Awh man I really should have slept more last night. Whatever, that's how the story goes sometimes. Aaaaaaarrrghhhhhh I should have practiced this morning. Sucked it up. I've been regreting it all day. And yet, I suppose there are worse things to regret. Sigh. Later. |
| I'm trying to quit dwelling on the things I should have said except they sit right in my stomach and are pretty hard to ignore. The words burn and they stir and I feel all wobbly inside and out. Trying to hold them in makes me shake makes me blind. I see nothing else besides the words and my anger and my frustration and my fear all piled together into one big punch in my gut. I want to scream. I want to lash out. Just please anything To let these crazy emotions loose. They are zipping around like moths on a street light, or echos in a tunnel. Spinning and slushing like the wash machine cycle. Making me dizzy, dizzy inside. I should have stood up for you. Should have helped out. It's not fair to leave you defenseless like that shoved down by more words. (That have more effect than many people think). I saw the way they tore into your face Like sharp scratches And it was all I could do not to bring the situation out into the open for everyone to see. I dunno if you'd want that. So I patted your head as if to say "Yeah, I did see that. and it's alright." It reminded me of bystanders. Sitting along the sidelines watching Like your pain entertains them. And your happiness will somehow cheer them up. Or maybe they are just too afraid to speak up and interfere. Like me. Me, afraid. Me, a wimp. I can admit it only to myself. Who knows what others would think if they found out? I'm taking the road more often traveled by and I'm kind of sick of that route if you know what I mean. Worrying, wondering, wishing, instead of Living, loving, and just plain going for it. I'm starting to annoy myself or maybe it's just the situation I dunno. And I'm too tired to figure it out right now. More later~ Bye |
| Things that have happened since the last entry: 1. I failed my first test. I know it sounds nerdy, but it's true. Even worse, that test was on POETRY. Go figure. 2. The guy I thought might have been my first boyfriend (I'm all about firsts this week, I guess 8>) takes little to no notice of me at school. I am just not a good speaker. And I think I might be a little annoying...unless he does what I do, which is thinking about him without actually looking like I am. Or something like that. Needless to say, I should really just forget about it and wait till I get a car. Or some speaking skills. Or both. Although he still acts nervous around me, which must mean something. Like, he's trying to extinguish his feelings for me and is FAILING MISERABLY. Heh heh. Then he would know what I feel like...but I don't want him to be miserable. I don't want to be miserable either. Sigh. We should just cure eachother's misery and he should talk to me 8>) Here is a poem. Take it as you will. And try not to laugh too hard. I actually put some thought into this one. 8>)
As I said (for the 6 millionth time), I am moving on. It's kind of like shooting- how you say you are going to take one more shot...just one more...and then you end up taking at least ten. Or how parents say, "Okay, we're leaving now..." and then sit down for just one more beer, and then the point comes where you are actually, finally, definitely done, and you leave feeling happy...right? Happy because the reason you stuck around so long was because you were having fun, you were looking for more fun...right? Right. I will move on feeling happy and contented. So ha. 3. I got my first ever serious injury. I went head first into the boards. I saw stars for a sec, and it hurt and all, but it wasn't really bad till today. I'm out for a week. It's sad. 4. I took my first ever trip to the hospital as a patient (that I can actually remember, because I wasn't being born or getting shots) (see above). So I get there, and we sign in, admire the fish in the fishtank, etc, and then I go into this office-type room where this guy takes my blood pressure and puts the little clippy deal on my finger. Just like on House. I asked him what the clip was for, and he said it was to check my pulse, and it also counted the amount of oxygen in my blood, or something like that. His response was actually cheerful, for someone getting distracted from typing in my vitals. I was actually in kind of a good mood, surprisingly enough. Anyway, then I got put in this room with a little bed and a table that had a bunch of scary looking medical stuff on it. There was also a TV in the room, like Stu's room in The Stand (scary...ahh). And I got talked to by like, 3 different hospital people. And I had to retell my story a dozen times, and walk heel to toe (which I can't do under normal circumstances, let alone with a headache). But they were all very pleasant and I wasn't even upset with my doctor when he told me "No contact sports. You think you can handle that?" 5 I learned (for the first time) how to parallel park. This was during my Behind the Wheel class. It begins at 5 in the blessed am. Alas (yes, I did just say that) waking up at 4 in the morning is actually kind of nice. It's all dark and quiet and no one is outside. It's only bad when you stay up fairly late the night before, and then accidently fall asleep during a presentation in history (more on that later). Anyway, my instructor is really nice, and he sounds kind of like Matthew Broderick. It's like, oh, Simba. Or Inspector Gadget. Whichever one you prefer. It's alright, but the girl I ride with is a lot better than me, and I feel like a loser when I almost run into a cone or whatever. But enough about that. 6 For maybe the...second time, I found myself falling asleep during class. I was actually, honestly, falling asleep because I was tired. Not out of boredom or anything (at least I don't think so...) Well, that and my head was kind of hurting...shutting my eyes just seemed more appealing. Anyway, we left the auditorium (we were watching presentations) and went back to the classroom, where the teacher said, "Some of you were doing your homework or sleeping during your classmates' presentation. That is very disrespectful. I might call you into the hall tomorrow to talk about it." Like, oops. (She may forget about it anyway) I am just having tough luck lately... an F and a scolding all within a week of eachother? I think I may be starting to slack. Better get on that, eh? 7 We won a big game (!) and then lost a big game. No comment. *** I can't really think of anything else of interest that happened. Anyway, I'm hanging out with some school people again on...Sunday-ish, and I needed to get some writing done for that occasion. So I have two stories that I want to write...or one....and a couple of poems floating around, most not finished. One is up there somewhere. The only one that is complete. Pretty lame, I know. So here are some snippets, for your reading enjoyment. a. It's cold outside today. The cause? I'm not sure what. Though I woke up in dismay, To find my mouth sewn shut. Perhaps that is a part? My curious mind reflected. For my poor, impatient heart Has been far too long neglected. Time is not fast-paced When it comes to your replies. It's like I've been erased, Like daytime fireflies. ***So I just wanted to write one that rhymed. So I wrote this one. The "mouth sewn shut" thing isn't supposed to sound morbid, just the idea that I didn't have anything to say/didn't talk much. I like the "daytime fireflies" because I can just imagine, no one sees fireflies in the day, you know? They are invisible, even though they are still out there somewhere, just waiting for night to come so they can shine. 8>) And that's my wisdom for the day~ b. I hear someone speaking to me but its distant. Somewhere else. My voice trails off... One thought, lost in favor of another. Speaking random words that are detatched. c. I don't really know you. Are you even interesting? You don't really know me. How can you be interested? You can't judge me. (It doesn't help my confidence) You don't look. (It doesn't make me less self-concious) I fight my ignorance When no one is looking. I question my stories, where no one can see. d. **This one is wierd, but I like it because it reminds me of Lord of the Rings. Heh heh FEAR is a great wall. The barrier gaurding a lonely castle. The home of a trapped princess. Waiting, waiting. For someone to come and rescue her. No hero or knight could break through the bricks made of stony silence. No sword could penetrate the gate of FEAR. **I like the word "penetrate." I also like how it begins and ends with the word "FEAR." Yeah, I know, way to go on about how I like my own poems. Well, I obviously don't like them that much otherwise they might have been made into an item by now. As in, one that actually gets read. See? It's cool 8>) Also, there is the extended metaphor of "bricks" and "stony silence." Oooh nice. Anyway, that's all with the poem-y bits. I could go into what my story is gonna be about, but I don't really know, besides the fact that it's gonna be like The Book Thief, which is one of my favorites. It's going to be about words, and someone who uses them well to arouse emotions, do her bidding, etc. I was just thinking about it (again) and so I've decided I'm going to make my own dream a reality for a mystery character. Muahaha lucky her. Okay, well I really should get on w/ homework, shower, bed so I guess that's all for now. Have a nice night, everyone 8>) |
| It's on nights like these when I think I have a lot to blog about, but then I get on and I'm just like "I don't want to think about this anymore, let alone write about it." Everything's all over the place anyway. But I somehow feel obligated to. I just feel our team falling apart. Little piece by peice. Every night it's like another part is torn away, drifting away like a rose petal in the wind. I was sitting in the locker room after the game taking my equipment off. The coach came in. He said something. Probably about how we worked hard, but we just weren't finishing. How we're gonna work on that in practice tomorrow. Then it was something about how the teams in the past had the fire that we don't seem to have. They were tough, and they were tough enough to fight for it. At this point I agreed with them inside my head. He mentioned the word "wussies." I can take that. I think. But just because we're nice doesn't mean we don't have drive. That we "don't give a damn." I'm lost. Where the hell was my drive tonight? Where was the fire? The adrenaline when I start heading up the ice or when I drive someone off the puck... nothing. I don't like this feeling of discontent with my playing. I don't see why anyone would. It's not like back in u12's, he said, when everyone brought treats and had sleepovers. That was fun. This isn't now. At this point, I couldn't help but wonder what in the world he was talking about. Are we not supposed to have fun? Or are we just not supposed to be pansies? u12's was fun, yes. But just because we had fun doesn't mean we didn't beat all the opposition with a stick. It's fun to kick the other team's ass, he went on. Yes, this is true. HOCKEY IS FUN. SKATING is fun. SHOOTING is fun. ACCOMPLISHMENT is fun. DOING SWEET MOVES is fun. What should be more fun than it is right now: -walking into the arena in your letter jacket -running onto the ice -getting your name announced -listening to the National Anthem -forechecking -catching passes and making plays -starting You get the idea. I think that just because HS hockey is hard core doesn't mean it isn't hockey and doesn't mean I shouldn't enjoy every sweating, can't-breathe, legs-are-hurting moment of it. The other coach pops in. I used to love this program, but this year the feeling is diminishing. Well, no one likes being the disappointment. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry that something is wrong, and no one knows what that something is. I'm sorry I'm not enjoying myself enough to have the drive it takes to rise to the next level. I'm sorry I'm not a D1 stud player who's gonna lead the team to a couple State Tournaments. It hurts me to say all that. But that doesn't change anything. Nothing ever changes...by itself. That's some Jars of Clay for you. Maybe that all could change, if only someone takes that initiative. Picks up the pieces and tries to put them back together, like the puzzles my sister does on the Internet. (She actually does that for fun. Wierd, eh?) Towards the end of the speech, someone was smirking again. Sigh. "Whats so funny?! You've had that look on your face for awhile now, so what do you think is so funny?" I mean, my mind wanders sometimes too. So it doesn't feel right judging her about her half-smile during such a depressing post-game. I mean, we did lose 4-0. And there was no way any of us should be laughing. But you never know, maybe she was thinking about eating a chocolate chip cookie after the game, and that thought made her happy. Or maybe she just wanted to rip another petal off our dying flower. I swear, this is like Beauty in the Beast all over again. Like, someday every petal will be gone and then we will all be doomed. That would suck. Big time. There is a lot more to say but....in conclusion, something is not right, and my head hurts so I am going to bed. |
| Why do we want what we want? A tryout makes or breaks your self-esteem. Modesty doesn't seem to make other people feel better. If what you did is "no big deal" then what do you call what they did? When the top spotters want out, it's like it degrades the others. They want what you have, and you don't seem to want it, eh? Bitches. The coach plays favorites. I'm not one of them. Hockey politics screw with friendships. For the love of all things good, ignore politics when it comes to your relationships. I was wide open. Pass the damn puck. Don't expect someone to give you their all unless you are willing to return the favor... Today I tried to spit through my helmet cage, and it didn't really make it through. I got goo all over myself. It was pretty embarassing. Gloves, jersy, mouthgaurd, everything. I was kind of surprised that my linemates didn't start pointing and laughing. So yesterday I hung out with some school people. It was pretty fun, to be a girly girl for once. I don't think I'd like to live like that all the time, but one every couple of weeks is good 8>) One of the girls taught me how to flirt (?) and how to deal with bitches. Both pretty useful skills. I really don't like being mean like that, but sometimes it may prove useful. Or something. I dunno. Anyway, that was really fun. And I want to hang out with them again sometime, in addition to my other school friends, so I need to work on my time management skills. I dunno. Well rounded is good, I think. There are different worlds out there. There is one with me and you. And one with me and them. Another with me and a guy. Sometimes I skate. And other times I read. Or write a story. I was having a deep conversation with one of my buddies today. It was kind of about hockey. But I thought about life in general. Because I'm pretty sure they're related. Like how you shouldn't talk back to your coach, because if he was a boss he'd fire you. You can't blame him for your problems. Or can you? I really should start paying better attention to these things. I'm don't really like hearing second or third-hand stories because they always seem to change. But I wonder about my ignorance, occasionally. If I knew something else, would I agree with this person? Maybe not. Probably not. Everything I talk about get's kind of repetitive after awhile. So I'm sorry about that. We all want something else. That's what the Good Charlotte song says, anyway. But it's pretty true. Because I don't think I've ever met anyone who was perfectly content with their situation, who didn't want...something else. Whether it be better, worse, or just different. New. Exciting. I think about this quite often. Probably because I want to quit wanting. (Want to quit wanting? Hm) I came to a semi-conclusion that we should be careful about what we want. Like the "Careful what you wish for" thing...because it just might come true. A lot of stuff that I thought I wanted didn't go as well as I thought it would. Or I didn't even like it. It's all part of that risk taking thing, probably. I dunno. Try it, then move on. What I wanted, What I thought... And yet, I don't think it's that easy. What you want...it forms you. It leaves it's mark. It's what you work for, it's what you dream about. It's not like you can just drop it like a match that burned all the way up to your finger. Depending on what it is, I'm sure it will stick around for awhile. Maybe it will keep burning. Make you guilty for wasting your time. For thinking that it would be better. Guess what? You were wrong for wanting me. Here we are, back to my confusion masked with a pessimistic view on life. I don't think I'm a pessimist. As a...newly-formed risk taker, I think that throwing it up in the air and hoping for the best is a pretty good strategy. I just want some things to be better, and I get frustrated when that doesn't work out. A lot of it is my fault too. So whatever. And I was sitting there, having a pretty deep conversation, and I just wanted to open my mouth and talk talk talk. Because I have all these things that I want to say. To ask if it sounds right, so I'm not living in my made-up world of ideas that don't make sense. I wanted to share, to see if I could help someone. I wanted to grab a pen and scribble everything down so I wouldn't get to this here blog five hours later and try to recall my thoughts (so you will understand me, Al. Even though you probably already do). Because I'm sure they made a lot more sense then. I was at the hockey rink today, and I was thinking about my friends and a guy, and I got these butterflies in my stomach. I don't really know why. I was all of a sudden really antsy and nervous. Then I got kind of short of breath and sickish. I didn't think anything of it, until I got in the car a half hour later, and I just couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I could feel it in my legs and stomach and it was really wierd. That was when I decided that I needed to calm down because nothing was really that bad. It's only the same old hockey drama that has always been there. The same friends that I'm always discussing it with. Inhale, exhale. So that was wierd. And then I was thinking that if I passed out and had to go to the hospital, not only would I have to miss the game tomorrow night, but everyone would make fun of me because a guy texted me and ten minutes later I had an anxiety attack thing. Like I would ever live that one down. I read somewhere that if someone gives you a compliment, you should just say "Thanks." If someone admires something you did, I don't think it would be much use to say, "I'm not really that good..." because obviously they think you are. I dunno where that came from. Anyway. I do that all the time. I'm kind of selfish like that. What I don't WANT is to hurt people. Especially the ones I care about. But hockey does that sometimes. I remember once this summer hockey politics (or something similar) tried to screw with me. It succeeded. For a time. But that specific problem is resolved now, so that's good. The problem in general is far from being solved. Because sometimes I can't help myself from feeling jealous or frustrated. It's stupid. Sometimes you just gotta realize that the monster is looking for you, and you have to grab your friends by the hand and drag them away before it comes to getcha. Or something like that. (I'm pretty tired, obivously, so my metaphors are kind of going downhill. Maybe I should just wrap this up.) I wrote this poem umm... a couple weeks/months ago. I don't remember. It kind of matches what this entry talks about. I told you I was repetitive. 8>) The title is definitely the best part, eh? Lol.
It was supposed to be for a rhyming contest, so that's why it has all those lame rhymes. I just took excerpts from my diary and made them into rhyming lines. It was surprisingly easy. Anyway. Bye. ;>) |
| One thing I don't like about loooong breaks is that I'm not always on the go. Yes, short breaks are nice because they allow you to calm down and relax for a bit, but I would kind of like something to do now. Not like school is where I want to be, I would just rather not be laying on the couch for two hours straight. If I were in school, I wouldn't have time for that. Sad when I don't, sad when I do. Wow. I'm tired again today. Probably because I woke up early. To go to hockey. It was fun. We didn't have a skating practice like I thought we would, instead we did fun stuff like shooting and playmaking, etc. Ha. I like hockey. Ahhhh I do NOT want to be tired anymore. I should start drinking coffee so I will be wide awake. But that probably wouldn't help. I want to go play outside. I don't know what I'd do though. Probably just lay there. And then it would be cold. Sigh. I don't think I've been warm since I woke up this morning. Until I was laying on the couch. Then I had a massive blanket. I wish I was a more dedicated athlete. I mean, theres probably a difference between dedicating all your time and dedicating everything else. It does sort of take over my life sometimes, but I still don't feel like I'm doing very much. Maybe if I did more I would be better? Like the boys. Who I shouldn't be comparing anyone to because they have a different body type, temperament, etc. Whatever. Geez there's got to be something I can eat that will boost my energy levels. I may go look into that. Even though I am so incredibly full from pizza and cookies today after Skating with the Youth. Speaking of, that wasn't that bad. Our whole 38 person high school program just went out and skated with 40 some youth kids for an hour, then ate pizza/cookies. They were so enthusiastic, for the most part, and happy to be there. They weren't even afraid of the coach. It was weird. Ah, I can just barely remember being that age...when we skated with the high schoolers. They were always super intimidating, because they were so much bigger/faster, and we basically sat there in awe. Have I mentioned that I don't feel worthy of anyone's awe? All I have to say is that the main difference between the little kids and our team is...age and experience. That's not meant to be an insult. It takes a lot of sacrifices and hard work to get there, but I have no doubt in my mind that a bunch of those girls will take that path. And they'll end up right where I am today, and say "What did I do?" Or maybe they won't. I dunno. There are a lot of people I respect for their work ethic and dedication, but there are only a few that just shock me. They are like workout fiends. I mostly meet them in the summertime, when there is a lot of time.... I meet them at hockey practice when they get off the ice, only to rush out of there and go to the next athletic event. I do that occasionally, (the 1-2 weeks of the summer when I feel like I might actually drop dead) but mostly I just work out 2-3 hours and then come home and...do nothing. It always feels like I should be giving so much more. Like I'm cheating, or something. I dunno. Which goes back to this energy issue. I skated two hours today, probably less because a lot of it was standing around, and I came home and slept. What is this? That first week of summer is always the best. 8>) Summer may be one of my favorite seasons just because it is the official "off season" when there is no school. (Why can't the "off season" be every season that isn't winter? We only really train hard in the summer... hmmm). Anyway, on day one, depending on the schedule, we might skate an hour, dryland for an hour, then have a game/practice later that night. Day 2 you wake up and can hardly walk, but you secretly smile because you can practically feel yourself getting stronger. Then you do it all over again. And it hurts. But you are surrounded by everyone else, who are probably from teams you compete with in the winter (and in the summer too) so you just keep going. By the third or fourth day you wonder why you signed up to do it. Then on the weekend you're swimming in the pool and thinking about how amazing summer hockey is. Mmm. I swear, if the winter season was played in the fall, I'd be so ready to go. At the end of summer (usually...) I feel like I'm in such good shape that I could go forever. And then it ends, and you play twice a week for a season, and then by the time the real thing rolls around you are huffing and puffing like you haven't skated since the last section game. Hockey is a really confusing thing. I just really wish it were summer. I'm so annoyed about the outdoor skating issue. We have practice everyday with no time to sharpen skates before, and I WANT TO GO SKATING SO BAD! (whines) Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay, sorry this entry was so wierd. I'm gonna go clean my room now. Then maybe do homework. And then I will start tomorrow all nice and new and it will be better. Yes. |
| Once upon a time there was a girl who liked a guy's smile, and a girl who thought the world he lived in was a crazy mess. They were sort of friends, these two girls... but they disagreed on a lot of things. Especially about the ideals of Hard Core High Schoolers. "He's so sweet and funny," Girl 1 said one day. "So many people are friends with him...he's just that cool." "But that's the problem!" Girl 2 told her. "You can't handle that!" "Sure I can!" "I don't want you to get hurt. Some of those people- they say bad things and get into trouble. They live in the mess of drama that is shown on reality TV. You don't want that!" "You don't know that!" Girl 1 pleaded. "How could you know what his world is like? How could you know what I want?!" For an instant she saw it in her friend's eyes- people everywhere, talking and shouting, smiling, laughing, and happy. Beaming, glittery faces and bright lights. "There are nice people out there. They just want to have a good time!" "I know, hun, I know," Girl 2 murmured quietly. "But that isn't you. You can think about it and want it, but it's a puzzle that you don't fit into. Your piece belongs somewhere else." "I could be there," she whispered. "No....no..." Girl 2 sighed. "It's too complicated. It's makeup smears on your face and clothes that don't fit right. It's faking and pretending. It's stoners and judgemental glances. It's whores and f-bombs. That's the life of a Hard Core High Schooler." "Wrong, wrong wrong! A HCHS has opinions. They have feelings and lives and hopes and dreams! It's reaching for your highest potential, to be wanted, to live like your flying. It's having the courage to jump without worrying where your going to land." "It's peer pressure and breathing heavy. It's a bad situation that leads good people in the wrong direction. It's coming home and feeling like you've been peeled off the movie theater floor. It's tired and sad and unsatisfied, piled on top of false hopes." "It's living and breathing and feeling. It's the butterflies in your stomach when he finally calls. It's going to sleep at 3am and knowing that your friends will still be there when you wake up," Girl 1 insisted. "You have no idea what you are talking about. You make it seem like I'm going to turn into a slut with no morals." "I never said that..." Girl 2 chose her words carefully. "I just think you should know what you're getting into before you go off and make a fool of yourself." "I won't. How hard can it be?" "If you say so. Just be careful. Never forget who you are." No matter how many arguments they got into, these girls always disagree. Which is wierd, because they are actually the same person. Interesting, eh? **** So many different things are layered on top of eachother, it seems. I am here right now, typing away, while you are at home reading your computer screen. The wierd girl whose nose is buried in her Japanese anime novel bumps shoulders with the 6 foot tall football player in the hall. She'll go home and watch TV tonight, and he might score a winning touchdown and then go hang out with his girlfriend. It's really interesting thinking about that. You should try it sometime. It's very hard to fathom how many different lives overlap every day. I dunno. I just don't know. I have the wrong idea about everything, and I know it. It's all a stereotype. That much I understand. As far as I know, anyway. Recently I've come to discover that swearing is kind of hard to avoid after a certain age, that is, high school. You can basically throw out all hope of being clean-mouthed, in that sense anyway. After hearing it, slipping occurs fairly often. And yet, I don't usually say words like gay, whore, fag, etc. It seems to sound a little...worse than other words. And some people drink, and some people smoke, and others sleep around. Some people. Such a generic term. I haven't met everyone in my class, let alone everyone in my school or the world. It's not really fair for me to throw around words like "some people." But for the sake of argument, I'm going to anyway. Some people are nice, and they dream about their future. With the job and the family and the white picket fence. Right when you think you have someone figured out, labeled as a hard-core party-er, they surprise you by throwing out something that you can relate to. It makes it hard for me to hate HCHSs because I can never help but think that they are just like me, but with more guts. And experience. And...I think I'll just stop here. Last night I had a sleepover with my friends 8>) It was a lot of fun. We watched movies and talked smack about hockey (and other things...) and then went SNOWMOBILING. Mmm the speed.... And we battled, pushing eachother into the snow. I lost that one. Big time. Lol. (You should just teach me how to wrestle effectively. I think it would make our snow fights a little less one-sided, dontcha think?! Ha. ha.) But seriously. We should really just be nice now. The bright new future of high school stereotypes everywhere! Or just people in general. Or we could just for ourselves, so we feel better and less dirty. Ew, dirt. In my mouth. On my hands. Like the summer before first grade when entertainment was found making sandcastles out of...dirt. And you came inside with a popsicle ring around your mouth and your mom made you march straight to the bathroom to clean up; so you could wash the stains and the grit away. Sometimes it would still be stuck under my fingernails. Oh to the days when those were the biggest problems in life. And to the days in the future when they will probably keep getting bigger (than homework, drama, whose playing/sitting, talking behind backs, swearing, and losing hockey games...) Happy New Year~ Can you believe it's 2008? Maybe I should make some resolutions... and maybe I'll actually follow them...(!) It's a thought anyway. 8>))) *smiles* Talk to you later! |
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