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 |   A terminal for all blogs coming in or going out. A view into my life. |
Started July 1st 2019 for contests, etc. as other blogs are filling up and have other purposes.  I'm starting a new blog because
I'll be linking to
I've started an appendix (I no longer have one personally) to keep track of my Space Cadet journals for Space Blog. It's a work constantly under construction. Mind the mess.
I needed to start a folder for contests as there are so many deadlines and details to remember.
  |
| There is no rhyme nor reason. Brianna's clock spit out one clang — then died. It was apparently time. But for what? Her twin Bryan didn't answer. He couldn't. Corpses can be so stubbornly mute! Not that she ever really wanted to listen. She remembered sewing his lips shut at age 6. That day was fluffy bunny clouds and drooping daffodils and Bryan kept going on and on and on. As if. As if she cared. The clouds reminded her of cotton candy ice cream. She wanted some. They went together to the corner. When Bryan needed to use the toilet, she sprinkled some white numbing powder on his double scoop Manila-vanilla cone. She smiled as she said, "Here's your Godzilla". She was bigger than him; so, once pinned, all she had to do was embroider like Gamma had taught her. She chose pink thread to teach him a lesson. He hated pink. The dripping tinge of red just added to the his horror — and her glee! She was tickled shades of peach and scarlet. They threatened to send her away. She laughed, hoping that they would. They never understood. Gamma did. ... But Bryan, you have no twin! We checked the records. Brianna grinned but kept her mouth shut. Bryan would've been proud. [180.20] 30.abril  Up reasonably early. Baked a chocolate cake and took a shower. I took a bath last night but that's mostly for my feet. Walls are closing in. Scott will leave today for his post in Wyoming. 7 hour drive. On fb: "This makes sense and provides me with a way to explain to many Christians that my problem with Christianity isn't Christ, it's how His Truth is mangled and misused. Sophiological versus soteriological... got it." 29.abril Nothing. Not writing. Still stressed about trip. Did get lots of sleep last night. Lists... must make lists. Updated CHECK LIST: 1. Prepack. Working on... progress. 2. Wash clothes on Sunday. Making a pile and checking it twice.  Saw Drew.3. Make check off list (it changes every time). 7. clean and/or unclutter (last time didn't go as planned). Some progress. 8. make decision regarding plants. Moved one to hallway. Some progress. 10. clean out fridge. 11. boxes. 12. Call Asiana! Called. Apparently I have a reserved seat.  13. Bath.  28.abril Look... I got up and showered ... what more d'ya want? A photo? I sent one to Pannya (pg rated). He said that I need to shave. I replied that he could shave me when I come back. On fb: "I think we have become tribal, but [only] two choices is based on black/white thinking. Very dangerous. I don't belong to either... absolutely refuse to be labeled as such. I have values and vision and vote as such." Bank: transferred money. Made sure that they know I'm leaving  .Post office: paid for p.o. box due in July. Milkshake: cardamom-orange. Lunch: bbq ribs. Spoke with Scott Brown (doctor/musician). His dad is 90. 27.abril Cannot stay awake = nap = nothing gets done. List: See Dylan around noon. Did video. Eat at Center. Cobb salad. See Angie around 3. Connected on facebook. Try to reserve seat ICN-BKK.  Not too peppy. After Anxiety... worn out. To Mighty: "I'm taking a risk by going back to Thailand. 4 months? No long term visa? A relationship that's complicated? Culture and language barriers... not to mention looking into the mirror... If I wouldn't have taken so many risks along the way I wouldn't be in this situation. And I say that because I'm not a natural risk-taker. But... here I am. I could look at photos taken from my international travels since 2009. I haven't picked up and read my over 5,000 page handwritten journal. I don't delve into my thousands of blog entries here over the last 18 years. When I do, will I be as shocked as you?" 26.abril Seats chosen on 5 of 6 flights... still missing a key one. 4 hours over 2 days trying to sort this out. I've been excused from jury duty. Bry helped me connect to internet. I intended to leave message for my sister, but she wanted to talk. Niece getting married May 12th? Cousin little Betty died end of March.  Meatloaf. Posted photo on fb. Spoke to Pannya. Anxiety decreasing. 25.abril Decent day until I wasn't able to reserve all my seats. 1 key flight is missing.  Pannya and others notified. CHECK LIST: 1. Prepack 2. Wash clothes on Sunday. 3. Make check off list (it changes every time). 4. Inform friends, family and neighbors: BH, Diane, Jay, Birgit, Bry, Kathi, Scott, Billie Jo, Dylan, Michael... 5. Inform landlord and pay rent a.s.a.p. until October.6. decide on p.o. box. Paid $88 for 6 months. 7. clean and/or unclutter (last time didn't go as planned). 8. make decision regarding plants. Moved one to hallway. 9. Reserve hostel. 24.abril 7°C and raining. It will be a cold damp day... even after the rains end. This is March weather. May rain in Thailand. Hopefully enough to cleanse the air of hazardous levels of smoke. My anxiety is still sky-high. I have received some advice and more importantly support. However... it negatively impacts my ability to write. I can't focus. Flight reservations made. |
| 23.abril 08:46 ... I already charcoaled a hotdog. Time for coffee or falling back to sleep. It's 0°C. 24°C at home in Udon Thani; 9°C here in Missoula. I ate mashed potatoes ... but still not doing well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zDt8xyVKtw I Think It's Going to Rain Today Song by Randy Newman Broken windows and empty hallways A pale dead moon in the sky streaked with gray Human kindness is overflowing And I think it's going to rain today Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles With frozen smiles to chase love away Human kindness is overflowing And I think it's going to rain today Lonely, lonely Tin can at my feet Think I'll kick it down the street That's the way to treat a friend Bright before me the signs implore me To help the needy and show them the way Human kindness is overflowing And I think it's going to rain today For some odd reason I thought of Aunt Verna... gone many years. On-line: Another Reddit poster chimed in, “First, they will drive out the trans families and gay-accepting families. Next, they will drive out liberals and democrats. Next, they will drive out any minorities who are able to move away. Finally, when everything is just white, they’ll drown due to the climate change they don’t believe in.” I'm burnt out, one smashed lightbulb. HH: The addicts still shoot up under the Anker Brua. W: Do we ever really change? HH: No. Any better for you? W: No. Unlike Ove, they always mind their own business. Nothing shakes a hard headed Swede or makes them pay attention. HH: We are the oddballs, aren't we. W: Just like the addicts... and the occasional dead body. [180.19] 22.abril I'm okay as long as I don't face reality. My anxiety is very high. I can get out of bed and shower, drink coffee, even eat. I'm at Butterfly Herbs stressing. I'm not doing well. To Mighty: "I have a Le Novo chromebook. I do have a computer with a much larger screen, but I don't use it. The chromebook is light and travels well. I'm old so I don't feel a need to 'work' but my boyfriend is 'young' and may need my help to network properly and expand his on-line content. I'm not a professional photographer but some of my photos are more than passable. We could visit local sites, and take photos. He could write from the fashion/beauty-products perspective in Thai and I could write from the traveler perspective in English. I'm fine with my income and doing-with-less, but he needs to build a future. Freelance is one way." My nerves are still shot. At BH: Chatted with Lundi and Cathy Mae. Had fire&ice, coffee and an Asiago bagel with cream cheese. Bit of a melt-down. Travis gave me hot dog buns. I ate two hot dogs for supper. 21.abril Ridvan.  Daffodils braved the snow. Yep. Snow... quite a bit actually. Saw Jamie. Sat with Dalton and Bob. Kathy P. won pinochle. Nerves not good. Looked at flight options. Nothing cheap. Chicken strips for lunch. Scored hot dogs, rice, noodles, potatoes. 20.abril Up before 9. Still in bed, need coffee ... and a life. https://www.msn.com/en-us/video/lifestyle/why-airplane-seats-are-so-uncomfortabl... I really want 30" minimum on any flight over 4 hours, 32" on flights over 6. I've had dvt 3 times. I use Google Flights and Seat Guru. Ergonomics are important to me. Asian airlines like Asiana and ANA do much better than Euro-American airlines. Black roses: I was born in the wrong century, wrong city, wrong soi (ซอย). I can love you, but can never be your lover. Not in this lifetime. May I strew your path with roses, their fragrance reminding you of my love, their thorns a memory of my pain. May we someday be reborn in a garden where our roots may touch and our branches hug each other. 62w Heliotrope healing a Bleeding Heart. [180.18] "I walk down Memory Lane because I love running into you." Nerves still shattered. Sat with Angie and Billie Jo. 19.april Snow. Cold and bitter. Meatloaf. Saw Merry, Ron and others. Cake (white/confetti) with Scott and Travis. A day for me to chill. 18.april BCoF: Scott baked a cake for his birthday, dry as Wyoming, flavored with pistachios. He'd always been a bit of a nut. A bit... different, at ease in the emptiness, looking after mountains and those humans who got lost in them. Like him, I'm lost in private thoughts I never shared. He sliced the cake, gave me a piece of paradise, an echo of long-lost Persia, dry yet flavorful. My day followed his. [180.17] I didn't have to bake a cake. His was enough for both of us (for Scott on his birthday). Video with Pannya. He looks good. I look haggard. I let myself go. Hello to his mother. Scott's birthday. Said hello. Taco salad... had eaten turkey-cheese-bowties for breakfast... so I brought half of it home for later. Scored 4 cans of canned chicken. Spoke with Joyce, Kathi, Dalton, others... Chat with Birgit. I ramble too much. I'm 'doing better'? Scored a Reese's peanut butter cup. It's an addiction. Snowed. 39°F at 6:20 pm. It was wintry cold all day. 17.april Saw Kathi, Willie, Phil... at Sr.Ctr. Did not eat though. Bought rosemary focaccia at Le Petit. $6. Most everything is double what I paid 15 years ago except my income and rent. I'm okay but still anxious and unhappy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45KYqWpZKso Thai elections are May 14th. 7201 |
| 16.april.23 68°F... Ready to do wash today. Didn't know it was so warm. Open up window? Found my red shorts. I really missed them in Udon. I'm chilling = getting nothing done. Wash is done. Window open. Rain moving in? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viBz0ZwHPN0&t=150s 15.april.23 Butterfly Herbs: Nice chat with Joseph. Met up with Liz, Lily. Raven joined us for a moment. Chocolate-lavender milkshake. Now pasta salad. No lottery winnings in my post office box. Up early. Sunny now at 1-ish. 11°C in Missoula. Might get down to 26°C this morning in Udon Thani.  Still stressed but getting better. To Tinker: "I used to read at all hours and setting a book down was a last resort imho. These days I'm giving away books. Only 5 yesterday. Over 100 to go. I can't take them with me to Thailand or beyond. They need to find new homes." 14.april.23 Very tired early yesterday. Lay down for a nap and then forced myself to sleep through the night. Up 9-ish. Dark gloomy day. 35 degrees. May warm up to 50. 105 forecast in Udon Thani. Pannya still not home. Sat with Jean, Merry, Dalton. Chatted with Dirk. My anxiety is still high. 13.april.23 Still overwhelmed. Up by 06:ish. Texted Pannya... he seems a bit better. Sent him a photo of when I was 22. Saw Kathi, Willie, Monte and David. Lee and Ben helped me at the bank. I now have an orange atm card. I can get checks made for my bank here. $2/4. I do use checks... not often. "It's very hard to ask for help, especially when I don't know what to say. I want some peace and connection. I want some control over my own life; but, we-all live in assorted communities. Living in Thailand won't solve my problems; but, it's more peaceful in general; and, personally I feel less threatened in a tolerant culture. I've fought all my life to keep from drowning in depression and despair. I no longer wish to reside in the Confederate State of Oppression." I took a nap but woke up in time to chat with Angie. More concerns about Billie Jo. 12.april.23 Totally overwhelmed when I think of Thailand. I need some room to breathe. Tik-tok: Unity with shit stains... Growth is divisive? Hmm. I continue to meet lots of people I know. Chromebook issues; Michael helped. Meatloaf at Sr. Ctr. I didn't get much done. 11.april.23 05:22 I can't fall back to sleep so I may as well get up. I need to find a flight to Thailand. I hope to come back before May or in early May. I need to talk to my banks. I need to talk to my landlord and pay rent. 8: Howl caught a cold. Grunts and coughs, barely a whisper. What can a wind do if it doesn't blow? Caress a child's cheek, lift and warm the spirits, redirect Spring's clouds. But the howl caught a cold. And now it could barely whisper. Chat with Pan... I'm a bit upset and worried; but, I have to focus on my own situation. I can't afford to be overwhelmed, shaking due to anxiety, or unable to move due to depression. My ability to contribute here may be limited. Met with Merry, Kirk, Birgit and Travis. Saw other folks. Took afternoon nap. นิยายวาย = ni-yai-wai = BL series 10.april.23 Talked to Bry. Texted Pan. Up too early... around 6. I'm a time-zone zombie. Commented in "Andre The Blog Monkey's Blog Prompt #3"  "I've met good cops; but, imho, when many seem to be hired to be thugs. So, I'll blame the city's and town's hiring practices. Because of corruption I've been warned to never speak to cops in Thailand. Also, police reflect the mores of whichever community is in power. Usually that isn't women nor people-of-color." Listened to Buttigieg speak. Did we reach the extent of our inclusiveness? Are we regressing? Unfortunately I agree. Weekly objectives: 1. Wash clothes this Sunday. 2. Repack for going back. [came across a couple items I neglected last time, but see above] 3. Talk to my banks. 4. Get rid of books. [only 5 taken to Sr.Ctr.] 5. Clean. A. old refrigerator. B. table. C. vacuum/sweep/mop. [nope] Finances: A. I have enough baht to get to hostel, pay for two nights and a trip back to Udon. B. I have enough to pay rent until the end of 2023. C. I have enough to deposit in a bank in Thailand for a visa.  At the Water’s Edge by Sara Gruen I Dream of Yellow Kites by Retta BonoOf kites and flames At the water's edge I dream of yellow kites, and that green umbrella, keeping me from getting burnt. I'll burn regardless, consumed by your flames, hotter than the sun, turning water into steam. [180.15] Edited in "Of yellow kites and your green umbrella [180.15]" Mushroom chai with Jay. The mystery of the missing items may need some diplomacy... or letting go. |
| 9.เมษายน.2566 but i'm a birdie, and the next hansa is oh-four-thirty, wake up and sing along with me... written at 04:09. It's 04:09 and I put water on to boil as I'm awake, puzzled by a wakening-dream of escaping troops and hiding under the wharves. In Thailand it's a hot red-day. In Montana it's a cold false-spring. I wonder how long it will take for my body to adjust to this time zone. Since the passage of time is divided by artificial human constructs, perhaps I'm merely passing into timelessness. How long one is dead is irrelevant to the Dead. Does Time matter to the Dying? 04:18 Almost time-to-sing. The term “Hansang” means “a table full of food to welcome guests or gather family for festivities. What is the meaning of Hagsaeng? 학생 • (haksaeng) (counter 명(名), hanja 學生) student, scholar, school pupil. Online discussion comment I made re Islam, Arabic and the Qur'an: "Gregory Garecki: How many folks in Iceland know the Icelandic from 1000 years ago? Most. Yes, the language has changed but having a well educated population has kept it fairly close to the original. Even oral traditions can survive for hundreds if not thousands of years. Regardless, classical Arabic is still taught, as it has been for over 1000 years. The Islamic World was educated at a time Europe wasn't. Education, even reading Sacred Texts, was limited. And English? Didn't exist. It evolved from multiple sources. The KJV actually helped stabilize the language, as did Shakespeare; but, English continues to evolve. Regardless, some religious people are nitpickers and ignore the larger picture. For me, spirituality trumps dogma." There came a reckoning to the days as the Sun exposed them for what they had done; and to the boy shivering in the shadows afraid of who he would become. [14] Responded to "Entry #1 of the April 2023 Contest" https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/teens-have-proven-the-pythagorean-theo... Tumultuous week... almost over. Having trouble getting back into this time zone. 8.เมษายน.2566 Got money, checked balance. Went to post office and picked up bank statement. I have enough to get a long-term visa in Thailand. I checked one-way flights. I ate rice with raisins and an Asiago bagel with cream-cheese. To Steve: "All stories should be recorded. Perhaps elicit his thoughts about the threat of combat. That fear can color a person's life. It affected mine. I lost 5 years being on the cutting block then graduated to a recession that when it was over I was faced with the reality that only veterans were being hired... combat or no combat. I was frozen out of a job because 99 wasn't a high enough score. Absolutely boring except for years of anxiety and depression." To Brian: "I braved 90 degree heat (one day of 102) to come back to a pleasant 50 and snow on the mountains. Snow can be a wonderful inspiration. Hunger and heat? That too but I'll take the Snow-copolypse." A Steven prompt: "Happy Celebration of the Awakening Moon" I hung out in Butterfly Herbs. I saw Lundy and Nancy, spoke to John and Terra, and Gwen. Ran into Hobie on the way back. I visited Travis and now have internet again. It's now 01:34 and I'm tired but awake. This isn't good. 7.เมษายน.2566 A day that lasted over 30 hours. 1 am fight from BKK. 8 am walk to the lounge in ICN to snooze for 9 hours. 5 pm. 10 hours flight to SEA that crossed the imaginary line where Tonight becomes Morning again. Noon-ish in SEA for a 3 hour 'break'; flight delayed. 6 pm in MSO. Ride cancelled. Ran to the bus. Walked home from the station, arrived after 7 pm. 6.เมษายน.2566 Very bad bad day of tears. Thanks to Max, Rob and Ped. 5.เมษายน.2566 Pannya and me go to Wat Arun. 4.เมษายน.2566 Long hot train ride to Krungthep (Bangkok). Hard to find the connections to/through Mochit to Rechathewit. Pannya unhappy and tired, and hungry (as always). 3.เมษายน.2566 I made reservations at Pinto. I wanted to change flight but it's too complicated for my pea-brain. Pannya sleeps. There's too much to do today and I need his help. I may pack light. |
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. That's good, right? Or did you just list those checked? 
