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Don't judge a book by its cover... This isn't about tube anemones.
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS SQUIRT THE JUICE INTO THE EYES OF YOUR ENEMIES... |
| Call when you get here. Okay. I can do that. But not today, because my phone isn't working. So I'll call before I leave the store, because you're a good tipper, your baby might be asleep, you might be in the pool (though I hope not, being as it's forty six degrees outside), or you might have to hunt down your money. These are all good, valid reasons you've given me in the past as to why you want me to call first. Every time. What the hell. So today I called before I left, to let you know my phone wasn't working and to expect me in about five minutes. All good? All good. Fantastic. I arrived at your house and it was raining, little freezing drizzles that felt like needles. It's cold. Did I mention that? And did I also mention that I called you to let you know I was coming? Why then did you leave me on your porch after my arrival to go find money? Did you forget I was coming? I hate you. Except that you're an excellent tipper. Perhaps you know you're an asshole? Hmm. Things to contemplate later when my nipples aren't freezing off. Every day without fail some smartass motherfucker thinks it the height of hilarity to ask if I have a free/extra/spare pizza (what is a spare pizza anyway, like if my current pizza goes flat?) as if delivery drivers just customarily drive around with free samples. I always just paste this big shit eating grin on my face and say, "Nope, fresh out!" But then today I got this great idea. Next time there's an enormous cluster-fuck like there was yesterday, I'm going to grab up one of those mess ups and throw it in my trunk, and then when some asshole asks me if I have an extra pizza I'm going to say "You know what? Just happens that I do!" And I'm going to give them that pizza. And smile. Charlotte had this thing in the fridge and since it wasn't mine I didn't look at it or care, only noted it's presence as something taking up space. Then yesterday she says she doesn't want it, that I can have it. I'm like okay thanks, but still didn't really care. So today I remembered, and since it had become mine I decided to check it out, and I'm like why didn't she want this? What ten year old doesn't just love vegan coconut and black pepper cheese??  Then I started thinking about the definition of cheese, since vegans don't eat dairy because it supposedly exploits the cow or whatever, (although I think the cow would disagree if it could. If you've ever breastfed and gone a day without, you know what I mean!) Anyway, vegans should be less concerned about exploiting cows and bees and chickens and more concerned about where their fucking precious coconut and palm everything is coming from. Something stupid like 50,000 acres of rainforest is destroyed everyday, along with all the animals and bugs and all that good shit, to make way for new palm plantations. Fucking palm oil is in everything, I think if someone is going to be all "I love everything so much that I won't even eat honey." Then they should really look into where their everything else is coming from. Also, why do they respect the rights of animals more than the rights of the migrant workers who picked their food? I mean, I do, but I also eat meat and don't care.Also, (and then I swear I'll stop, haha, as if anyone is giving a shit right now anyway!) Everyone is having some kind of kitten over Starbucks changing their cups. Instead of having like, snowflakes and Christmassy stuff, they just made the cups red and green, and people are NO SHIT boycotting them. It's not in the spirit of Christmas or something. So, if it said Merry Christmas on the cup, the atheists would be mad about that. If it was a picture of a Santa mermaid the Jews would be pissed... So who's mad right now? The color blind? If people had to volunteer at a soup kitchen for a week every time they got pissed about something stupid, I guarantee they'd find something worthwhile to be mad about, real quick. Cause you know nobody wants to do something physically meaningful if they can do something vicariously ridiculous instead. No flies tonight, no honey, it's werewolf week and I haven't yet received my sacrificial chocolate, so I'm going to hunt down the townsfolk and eat their livers. 'Night. |
| Let's play a little game I like to call Find That Address! Contestant number one, your situation is as follows: The house you're looking for is on a dark country road, the numbering system makes absolutely no sense, and none of the houses have porch lights on. Now how are you going to *Audience chants* FIND! THAT! ADDRESS! Constant one: "Uh... I'm going to pull up in random driveways and shine my headlights on the house number until I find it?" BUZZ!!! WRONG!!! So sorry contestant one, but you have to be dropped into a hive of angry bees now. Contestant one: "Wait, what...?" *trailing scream as contestant one is dropped to their death in a hive of angry bees.* Contestant two! Same scenario, and keep in mind that if you're wrong your punishment is eternity pushing a massive ball of razor blades up a slight incline. Contestant two: "Holy shit. Okay. I...am...going to drive slowly back and forth until someone gets suspicious and comes out to stare at me and then I'll yell at them until they either tell me the address or call the cops." *sweating* Hmm. Simultaneously creative and redneck. I like it. I'm going to give you the points for that one. that's my night. that's always my night. Soooo... In seventeen years of working in the pizza biz, I've never before worked somewhere so woefully unprepared to do their job. It's a pizza place, we make pizza, why is it that when we really get busy, you know MAKING FUCKING PIZZA, we have to stop taking orders? We have half a screen of orders and they're pissing their pants, the phone is ringing and we're ordered not to answer it. Because somebody might want to, oh I don't know, ORDER A GODDAMN PIZZA OR SOMETHING?? I'm so sick of this jackass. We finally get some business and he destroys it. $500 in canceled orders tonight. Staggering. When I worked at PJ's the only time we stopped taking orders is if there was a tornado literally hitting the building, and then as soon as we have power, we're back online. Out of product was not a thing. I just don't understand how they can keep letting him run this store into the ground. And that fuckhead on the cut table who screws up three out of five orders telling Dakota to fold boxes... "Hey, will you stop doing something productive that will potentially help us, and instead do something absolutely pointless and meaningless?" Or as Dakota put it, "Hey, will you save my ass real quick?" Why does he turn cut into a three person job? WHY DOES HE FOLD THE FUCKING BOXES JUST TO UNFOLD THEM AGAIN??? I have to transfer before I lose my shit. Okay. Ranting concluded. Color of serenity. I've been trying to get my next tattoo designed, but I'm in a bit of a crunch because Andrea got her apprenticeship (WOOHOO!!) but the guy is taking her machine and powersource. I tried to get her to sell it to me, but I don't think she's going to ask him if she can. Annoying. I have it designed, except for the border, but I want it on my right arm and I'm not left handed sooo... Not sure if I trust her to do lettering. Plus I kind of wanted to do this one myself. I was thinking about buying my own kit but it would be a little splurgey at the moment. Tyler put in his two weeks because he hates it at subway so much and I don't blame him. Brenda treats him like a child. So he's trying to go back to the salvage yard he used to work for. I may have to cover bills for a minute but I told him I'd only give him a month. You know, it's funny, I keep reading other people's blogs and it's their lives and I'm like god, your life is so boring! But I'm looking at this and thinking the same thing. It's nice to be boring for a change. Signing off for the night. Flies and honey. |
| Okay well first things first, anachris is a freaking fresh water plant, dummy, that's why it sounded familiar, so your alter ego is a plant. You're an idiot. Tyler is the best man, or person in general, that I've ever known. I love him in a way unlike anyone else I've ever loved, and so maybe, just maybe, my child-like belief in love and magic isn't entirely dead. I still don't allow myself to believe he'll stick around forever, but for now I revel in his soft kisses, his sweet words, and strong arms. Every morning when we wake up he says, "Good morning beautiful." When we've been apart for any length of time he rushes to me and crushes me in his embrace, tells me he missed me. Asks how my day was. He's genuinely kind hearted. Smart. Handsome. Why did we have to go through so much shit before we found each other? I changed my phone number, thus cutting everyone out of my life that I don't want in it. Mike. Libby. Larry. Mike knows where I live so if he really gave a shit he could find me, though he did only come here once, and I doubt he was really paying any attention. Larry is probably glad to be rid of me. I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore. Life is as good as it's been in many years, and I'm just going to ride that wave. Mmm. Except for the part where I have this horrible, painful thing growing in my trachea. A big solid painful lump. I really need to have Dr. Kim check it out but I don't have my appointment with him until January. But yeah, so I always knew something like this would happen; I would finally find true happiness and then turn terminal and die before I truly got to experience it. Ha! I'm okay with that though. I'll die tonight and be happy, because he's given me six months of absolute joy and tranquility. Well, I'm not feeling really talkative tonight, so I'm going to read instead. Back to flies and honey I suppose. Goodnight. |
| I miss how Anthony used to tell me he loved me every two minutes because he was so high he forgot he'd already said it. Or else he had nothing to say. I miss the good times we had in those six years. I will never forget the bad times though. It's mother's day, and I miss my mom. I have EIGHT stories to work on besides my novel. Fuck. That's a lot y'all. Maybe I'll make one about the demon who spends all of its human hosts life making the man who hurt her pay. Write what you know, yes? They get married and when they're like 70 she drops the bomb. Hilarious! I feel Roland calling me. Restoril is great! And it could be a good name for an animal or kingdom. |
| On may 6th I got hit by yet another tornado, this one set down right on top of us at work, while we were huddled all in a line in the tiny ass freezer. Busted my car up pretty good, but it could've been worse. Then we had the first flash flood emergency ever issued in Oklahoma city, it was insane. I don't know how to post pics anymore or I would. Dr. Kim told me in a very worried sort of way that I need to find Jesus to bring peace to my life. I didn't have the heart to tell him about the relationship I have with god, plus he's in charge of my pain meds. He said I should go church shopping, as in, when you shop for a car the first one might not be the right fit, so you keep looking, and that's how it is with church. Being without god is like being an alcoholic, and a good pastor is like a sponsor in AA. They should keep you from relapsing into unbelieving. He says a good doctor cares about his patients, instead of just cramming pills down their throat. He then proceeded to prescribe me a bunch of pills. He cares. God bless that man. I spent the night at Larry's last night, just for some comfort and contact, and dammit, it was nice. Even though he's a bastard and takes advantage of me at every opportunity, but I let him. So it's my fault. Just now I read the note Apollyon left me a few blogs back, about never forgetting what he said that day. It helps cement the anger. No, I won't let go. He's going to pay thoroughly if it takes me the rest of my life. And I would say it can't hurt to enjoy myself while I do, but it does hurt, because below the anger and the hate I still love him, so I rip my own heart out while I try to burn his. My punishment, I suppose, either for being part weak-willed woman, or for being part unforgiving demon. I know not which, but I bear my punishment, so he can take his. Apollyon is gleeful either way. Human suffering is a specialty after all. Well, I have two more story outlines to write as quickly as I can before I fall asleep, I now have five or six, I disremember which, but I'd better get going on them before my list becomes unmanageable. Not complaining. Goodnight wasps dressed in tight, furry bee suits! And just so you know, you should work on your impression. A hive of wasps sounds nothing like a hive of bees. You're too angry. Take some xanax, smoke a joint and BE the bee. Perhaps after you study the bees hard enough you'll eventually think you are the bee, and life will be better for everyone. |
| Oh shit, Thomas. I met this guy on an app called Zello, which got out of hand pretty quickly. The app and the guy. We clicked right away, but I have huge amounts of social anxiety and as soon as he mentioned the word Skype I was out. Anyway, he was leaving to go back to England and before he left he asked me to be his girlfriend. He's ten years younger than me. What the fuck. I was willing to give it a shot though, because I'm trying to be all about changing my life for the better and getting this demon out of my soul. No. As soon as he was on the plane I flipped out and deleted my app. But ok, I had reason, we knew each other for like a total of five hours and he was already saying he loved me. He's saying he's going to turn around and come back to America for me. I can't have that on my conscience. And I'm telling him no, you don't, and no you're not, and he says yes I do and yes I am, and fuck. Just fuck. He doesn't have my information... I hope. He knows my fucking name though. That's sort of okay because I'm moving this week. Mike is selling the house and he's smoking that shit again and I'm done. I'm moving in with Andrea. So either one of these days some crazy Englishman will show up at her door and butcher us, or hopefully he just hates me and is over me and moving on with his life now. I also was talking to this guy for about two minutes who is a storm spotter, and he says we could use a storm spotter out there. I said well I see a lot of storms but I generally get the hell away from them... Next thing I know I'm head dispatcher for like ten states national weather service storm spotters. I totally held it together while he was adding me to all these channels and explaining the forty million codes I had to memorize, and emailing me the spreadsheet for hiring people... Then I said goodnight and that's when I officially had the worst anxiety attack ever and deleted Zello. Fuck you Zello. I don't know what I ever did to you but all I wanted was to just meet a few people who weren't BATSHIT INSANE. Too much to ask I suppose. I'm really sad about having to move out, and I blame Libby, as I blame her for all things. She destroyed everything. This should've been my home forever. Now I don't belong anywhere. Larry finally moved out of his weird polygamist apartment. Having dinner with him Monday. Well see how that goes. At this point i just really need some human interaction. I've taken to sleeping with body pillows because they're vaguely people shaped. It's kind of like being hugged. Pathetic. |
| I found this thing on tumblr called Stephen King confessions, and they're pretty lame, but I have one, and I'm not going to put it on there because I might get hauled away and put in a nice tight fitting white suit. I hate white. You are more forgiving, my precious, so I will tell you. My confession-- I believe that I exist in black thirteen, and that somewhere the keystone me is on a dire quest for the dark tower, and to save the universe itself. Sometimes we get so close to each other that I can hear her whispering in my sleep. I know I'm not the keystone me because I've tried to kill myself and I can't die. I just keep coming back. I won't die until she does, and when she does, all of me will (me's?). I know I exist in black thirteen because everything is dark here, dark even though the sun shines, shadowed for no reason. Evil is in every breath. I hope she reaches the tower soon, or falls in her quest, so I too can fall. The darkness is making me mad. Why couldn't I be trapped in the grapefruit? DO NOT FORGET THIS. TATTOO THIS ON YOUR DARK HEART. AS HE CRIED HE SAID, AND I QUOTE, "THEN I THOUGHT NOW I DON'T EVEN HAVE SHANNA." THIS WAS HIS THOUGHT WHEN HE BELIEVED YOU'D KILLED YOURSELF. NOT OH MY GOD I MADE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING WHO LOVED ME TAKE THEIR LIFE, BUT OH SHIT, NOW MY SECOND CHOICE IS GONE TOO, NOW I'M ALL ALONE. DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT HE SAID THAT. WHEN YOU START HAVING SOFT FEELINGS FOR THAT PIECE OF SHIT, YOU REMEMBER THAT THAT'S ALL YOU ARE TOO HIM. HIS SECOND CHOICE, A WARM BODY TO FILL A VOID, A BLANK FACE THAT COULD BE ANYONE AND PROBABLY IS. FUCK THAT. HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO FUCK HIS WORLD YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. DON'T GO SOFT. YOU'LL THANK ME AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. |
| I started writing a story I've been wanting to work on for a long time. I want to start on another one, but I don't know if I should take on two at once. Oh, and I also wanted to at least start on another one, so there's three running around in there that I want to get started on. Maybe the other two I can just do the outline on. Yeah, that seems feasible. I don't want to do something that will blow my brain out of my head. Going Monday to get my first tat from Isaac. I hope he does a good job so I can have an excuse to keep coming back. |
| My life is never going to change. I wrote something earlier about pain being a fluid illusion, and it is, I only cling to it because it is the only constant in a vast field of ever shifting stars. I grow so weary of everything around me. I feel like a sun that will shortly go supernova, with the systems and galaxies whirling around me as I seem to sit, motionless, contemplating this eternal tornado, until I explode and become the black hole I was meant to be. This all sounds much more melodramatic than I mean it to, I only mean that I have come to accept that nothing will ever change. Ka is a wheel, and rolls as it does. I will never be loved. I will never know greatness. I will grow older in ever increasing agony and lose my gifts- my intelligence, my great capacity for loving others (which I think may actually be a curse!), ... My beauty. Luckily my heart has been hardened and protected by the demon that dwells within me, and hopefully I can no longer be hurt the way I have been in the recent past. I am sad that my child-like belief in love and magic has died, and all the beauty of the world with it. I have fallen into the ash of destruction. My next tattoo will be the words "My peace has always depended on all the ashes in my wake". It's a line from Arsonists Lullaby by Hozier. Not sure where I want it yet. Not my legs, those are for fun, the left for crazy fish, the right for Alice, of course. Andrea isn't comfortable doing them on the arms but I'd like it on the inside of my forearm, small, with a nice flame above it, so I think I'll have it professionally done. Perhaps I'll see if Isaac still works at that place on 23rd. He probably doesn't, but wouldn't that be interesting? In fact, maybe that would be a great coverup for that stupid ass scar on my left arm. Or incorporate into the other stupid ass scars. I don't know if I want anyone seeing those. But the one on my forearm would be perfect because I've hated that thing since I was 13! Awesome. I have some ideas now, all I need is for that asshole to pay me back and I'm good. I wonder if it's possible to actually incorporate my mother's ashes into the ink?! That would be the most meaningful tattoo ever created in the history of tattoos ever!!! Shit. I'm turning into Dr. Frankenstein over here. Give me a lightning storm for fuck's sake! What is wrong with me? Tell you what, if I had superpowers, I would NOT be a hero. I would be Anachrus. My phone totally just made that word up when I was trying to think of a supervillain name, so I guess that would be it. Although you and I both know that we're really Apollyon. But that's not a villain. That's a demon. Jesus, I'm just rambling now, but it feels good to ramble and get out of that shell I've been in. And now I'm out of words haha. I'm daydreaming about tornadoes again. And tattoos. And Isaac. God hates me. Til next time. |
| Well I start at pizza hut tomorrow, my MVR came back good enough to drive thankfully. I get to wear jeans!! And a black hat!! I'm overly excited about that, I think. It's been a long time since I got to wear jeans to work, and since I always wear jeans I'm pretty happy. Netflix is evil. I got into American Horror Story in the Coven season, and REALLY got into it in Freakshow. Libby and I watched it as our girl time. Then she started going away, and it got where we would watch two or three at a time. Here comes the season finale! Super excited!! No Libby. No Libby. No Libby. By the time I finally just decided to fucking watch it, Mike had switched service and lost all the recordings, so I never got to see it. Fucking Larry finally brought the power cord for my laptop back and I got a subscription to Netflix, hoping I could watch that one episode. That season isn't even on there. But.. I hadn't watched the first two seasons... Long story slightly less long, I spent the last two days up until five am watching season one. Ugh. Can't stop. Season finale will commence in a few moments and I won't start season two. Today. Maybe not this week. If I feel the need to watch something I'll go back to Breaking Bad, because I've already watched it, and although it's my second favorite show EVER, I already know what happens so I can pause it and it's okay. Pertaining to AHS, I pretty much figured out everything, except for that one big twist with Violet. That was surprising. Loved the thing Hayden did (didn't do) with Vivian's dog... That got me! I actually almost screamed! I'm the kind of girl who usually laughs at horror, so I was pleasantly surprised when my hands flew to my mouth to hold that scream in. So... Season finale in five... Four... Three... |
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