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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| Super panic attack tonight. I saw Serenity online and IM'd her saying I was freaking out as I was sooooo behind in everything and I didn't think I was going to be able to get my entry for her contest done in 3 days. She wrote back and said... ummmm. the deadline is tonight at midnight. Holy crap!!! NO WAY!!! Pressure!! I was thinking immediately, oh just let it go. I only had 3000 words, there is no way I could possibly pull anything have decent in 5 hours. Well as those who know me, know that I work very very very well under huge pressure - so plug away and write away I did, carpal tunnel throbbing, throwing dinner at Dev, dashing in a load of laundry, chatting to a couple of cute guys, IMing one particular one ( who I am .. yes... admittingly VERY smitten with --- much to the chagrin of a few other boys who I think are not talking to me now as I divulged this new secret just to be on the up and up - guess it's better to lie.. sigh... but I digress ) And so its posted. 11:54pm hahaha.... but I continue to work on it as it was not finished. But the advantage of time zones, is that I know Serenity is still asleep heehee and won't know that I was doing a rewrite until it was time to her get up! So here is it :
But two things - it is VERY ahem....graphic. Let's just say my imagination ( after being single HOW long?????) ran a little rampant and it also has a passkey. There are a few little minds on here, ok just one, who ...... should NOT read this. I will forever be subjected to evil looks and groans and Oh God MOM you are GROSS - so I am protecting myself as well as her. So drop me a line if you really have the courage to read it. Otherwise, really its ok. I won't be offended if you pass on by. I am a little shocked that I had it in me to write this - but all this cyber flirting needs to come to some use - other than add to my frustration hahahahaha!!!! I was having dinner with friends and I was talking about this as I had just started to write it last month. And I was saying that I needed a pen name as I am a 'serious' writer ( yes i am haha) with a reputation to unhold - so I needed to find a good name. So I think it was Devann actually (hey how did she know this??) that your 'porn' name is the name of your first pet and your last name the name of the first street you lived on. So my official name is ........ "Cappy Douglas" So watch for me...... this may be the start of my new career. Hey maybe it even pays real money - wow.. that would be cool!! And there are a lot of great entries in the contest, so have a boo - if you have some time and .....someone to read them to. Reading alone pretty much sucks!! hahaha I know i read a few..... phewf... steamy stuff!
Ok back to the smut, I am still NOT done... yikes... See you in the xrated section. Happy reading bugz I mean Cappy |
| Wow it's been three days, craziness. Time just seems to disappear. Friday at my Mom's house (stepmoms actually) I got los of stuff done. I send off my novel MS to a publisher in Vancouver that I am exited about. I am back to square one on getting it published. The SO-HOT lead I had been .... promised... turned out to be a dud. And I was annoyed at myself for believing so wholeheartedly in someone else. I again, realized that I am the only one I can truly rely on. So I went back to the beginning and researched like crazy, did a kick ass query letter and outline, picked one of the best chapters and sent it off with a kiss... the mail lady was quite accommodating with allowing me to kiss it after we got it all packaged up! I did have a nice surprise that day too - dev's camera was so poochy that I finally packaged it back up and went to the store to see about getting it repaired or something... it was a gift and I didn't even have the receipt. Well , at this was at Staples , no questions asked, not even a peak in the box - and 5 minutes later I had in my hands an even better, newer model for the exchange. I was and still am stunned that they did that. So that was a very reassuring act of faith. Saturday the big event was getting my car fixed - or not as it turned out. Since moving out here from Ontario I have been slightly illegal. I tried to register my car here but it didn't pass the inspection. It is very rusted out underneath - Ontario salts the roads.....grrr.. i know dont get me going - so cars there rust out a lot. So after a $2000 estimate to fix it, yikes, my brother, super mechanic, fix everything extraodinaire - but a bit unreliable and super busy has been supposed to fix it for months. So the window of opportunity arose and I drove down 1 1/2 hours to his house. Long story short - he didnt even get to the real reason he was supposed to fix as, he hoisted it up and found a very leaky gas line. Yup... not good. So he fixed it and then instantly the other gas line broke too. Rusted out I guess. So that was all he could do and I had to come home. Well i have been told by those in the 'know' that I have a few extra guardian angels who watch out for me. Well they weren't watching my brother too closely - but as I was driving 100km an hour down the highway and had to stop for a light, my brakes gave way.. yup... super scary - but you know what I was very calm. I pumped the brakes, pulled right over and was ready to pop the emergency brake but it stopped. I called my brother and he said the brake fluid line must have a leak. I went to a gas station, checked it and yup .... sooooo. Not sure if it was a coincidence or what, but that was a super crappy thing. Now i have 2 bottles of break fluid in my car and will have to stop and load up every few miles and take my car back down on Tuesday. But I did feel someone watching over me - that could have been a bit of a disaster to be sure. So my stepmom bought us a patio set on Friday too. That was very sweet - and my nice neighbour was so kind to take us into town and pick it up in his truck , then he helped load it down and he and dev set it up - that was priceless... they were like two old married people nagging at each other and arguing - dev was a piece or work - she has put together like 3 pieces of furniture in her life - which is still pretty good - and here she is giving this old guy the gears.... hahaha.. should of had it on video ... too funny. So I go out to my garden like every hour or so, just to check on the plants, and talk to them and tie up branches and repot things and sweep and move the chairs around and water and weed ... sigh It is a piece of heaven.. and such a source of calmness and beauty. I was feeling really restless today, for some reason - and it was so beautiful just to go and sit out. Today was a crazy weather day, sunny, then cloudy, then rain, then gorgeous sun - we have the best rainbows here that I have ever seen and today was no exception. So that's about it really. I have been working and praying that all is coming together and that this life is still meant to be. I don't need earth-shattering anymore - this little oasis I have, is perfection and I am one lucky gal. I hope you all of my american friends have a good holiday tomorrow - I have read a few people's rants about the lack of true meaning of the Memorial Day - so I hope that everyone just takes a few minutes to just be grateful - for whatever in their life makes them happy. Cheers and thanks for stopping by bugz |
| I sound like a callous, insensitive, judgemental bitch in my rant last night regarding my stepmom. A little history is warranted: She watched her mom and my dad, both die, long painful, drawn out deaths. She has fears, big time - of any and every single, germ, itch, bump and bruise. If there is some ailment to be caught - she catches it. I understand it, I dont have to support it. I moved here last July, 4500 kms from my home and my life, to live and care for her after her heart surgery and things were not looking good. Granted my relationship was ending - but I was happy there, with friends, my son, my life, my support network and a great job. I left and came here and lived with her for 6 months until she was all better - which she is - (according to me). I encouraged her, I joined a fitness club with her, i drove her there..then one day she slipped, broke her hip - and that was the last time I interfered in her life. She is living her life as she knows how - her doctors however are not helping her by encouraging her dependence on them and her choices. Instead of a prescription for a tax-payers funded physio, he should write a prescription to walk and get her mail. She loves getting mail, so heck, send her to check twice, in case she missed something. Talk to her about her diet - avoid animal fats and dairy and chocolate. That is what I wish they would do. She would listen to them -she lives on their every word, as do so many other people who are in fear. That is what I hope would happen. But it will not "I fear". So I let her do her thing and I chat about vacuums and the weather and keep my nose out of it all. That seems to work... there I feel a bit better talk again later tonight cheers bugz |
| The Medical Industry and the abusers of same. Well this will piss off a few people, so read at your own peril. But I am pissed. Yesterday a dear friend of mine went to the doctors. So starts event number 1) Two years ago while reading something out loud, he realized the words he saw, and the words he thought he was saying, were not the words that came out of his mouth. This lasted a few minutes then he was fine. Mentioned it to his doctor - who said nothing. A few weeks ago it happened again. He went to the doctors for a routine physical and mentioned this second episode to the assistant ( as his doc was away) within minutes he had some meds and an appointment for an ultrasound - probable prognosis - stroke. Well I am not an expert - but as he explained this to me, after the first episode part ... my mind screamed 'stroke' but I kept my mouth shut until the whole story came out ( I know it was hard but I did really ). My issue? Well there are lots - the main one - did this second doctor, never mind the first who I cannot even begin to discuss - did this second doctor even mention on the way out the door - eat at Taco Bell on your way home and I'll have you arrested??? NEVER hardly EVER does a doctor discuss lifestyle. Did she ask, what do you eat, do you exercise, how is your stress level? NOPE - a prescription for some heavy duty drugs - that I looked up and god.... a list of side effects to sink a herd of elephants - even before the prognosis was confirmed. The only good news down there - his appointment is super fast - this friday - had he been here he would have waited 6 months probably. That it was not researched the first time it happened is frightening. Strokes are the number ONE killer.... yes believe or not the number ONE killer world wide.. not something to mess around with. So I did my research - found a ton of information on what to eat , what not to eat, alternative remedies, etcetc - needless to say he got a huge email from me today. Fingers crossed they don't find anything Friday... but..... Event #2) another friend of mine is really sick. His wife had this 'bug' then his friend - both got antibiotics without a blink of eye. He finally went to the doctors - which is huge - as he is not a complainer - the doctor said no meds - nope, nothing , go home. He is sick and has the exact same symptoms as his wife and friend who got meds. Without any further tests etc - they said go home. How is that possible? Three people, three same symptoms, two get treated, one doesn't.. Perhaps there is more to the story than I understood .. but made me question. ( not that I take antibiotics - but he felt he needed them ) Event #3) all the same day - talked to my step mom... which is always an event in itself - but I will not digress - here is an excerpt: Me: " Hi , how are you?" .. my first mistake - I vowed years ago not to ask this question.. I slipped Her: "Oh," sigh, "I just got back from getting my epidural. And it really hurt this time, they couldn't find a hole." Me: ((eyes rolling to the back of my head and inside my brain - shut up judy, just shut up.)) "Oh, ......um, and why did you get that done?" (( duh aren't they for gals having babies )) Her:" For my bad back. It was getting too sore again. You know I get it done every year. But this time, they had trouble getting the needle in so it was painful. sigh" Me: ((omg - I am going to lose it... bad back my ASS .. I have had a back so bad I had to crawl around my house on my hands and knees... and still taught a yoga class...... grr...)) "Huh.. really, mmm too bad, So can you do me a favour and look up in your phone book who fixes vacuums, mines on the fritz." .....change the subject fast - its the only way to stay calm. So my step mom abuses our over taxed medical system like no-one I have ever met. She has a calendar and it is a full time job to fill it with appointments - this test, this follow-up, this prescription renewal, oh lets insist on physio even though if you walked to get your mail instead of drove you wouldn't need it, and how about lets take the handy dart and book up time away from other people who cannot drive and have no friends to take them, just because you don't want to walk the two blocks because there is limited parking. She abuses the system... and the thing is .. the system lets her. So is it her fault? The string of doctors don't discourage her full time job of appointments - in fact they encourage her. Does the handy dart ask her - don't you have a car, don't you need a doctors note to say you need a handy dart ride - of course the doctor would give her a note anyway.. just to keep her quiet. I had a lot more I intended to say about other thoughts - but to be honest.. it just stresses me out to talk about it and some of my experiences and how I never go to the doctors unless absolutely necessary - which lets see has been... not many times. thank god - or is it because i try hard to eat right, exercise, take care of myself and I research and look into ways of prevention and home remedies first - which pretty much always work - take for example - the other day, I got this weird rash on my chin, then on my lips, then on my cheek - it is not visible which is weird and I kept asking Dev, can't you see anything, it is soooo itchy - I think Darla picked up some poison ivy or something , then snuggled with me and somehow it rubbed on my face. I looked it up, took some oil of oregano and put emu oil on it and its pretty much gone. But when I told my step-mom, she immediately said "Oh you better go to the doctors and get an anti-biotic".... sigh.. nope, not me. Ok humour me with allowing me one more small and recent example - Dev was getting really bad stomach aches.. i mean really bad, doubling over, moaning kind. I took note of when they occurred, was it after meals, in the night, morning, or before certain times or events etc. I could find no correlation between her pain and any another corresponding thing. So this went on for awhile - then one night it was bad and we were driving by one of the better hospitals and it was late at night, so we went to emergency. We dont have a doctor here yet and of all the places I trust - which are few - emergs have good doctors - for the most part. Well 6 hours later, a 5 minute consult with about 5 questions resulted in, hmmm, I don't know. Doesn't seem to be this or this or this. He was prepared to let us go home. I insisted on an ultrasound to rule out cysts, and ulcers. He said, oh that is a good idea, so we set it up.. grrr... So the test proved those things were not the cause but still she was having a lot of pain So I went to the health food store. The young man there was so helpful it was unbelievable. He asked more questions than the doctor, we discussed diet - I had already decided to go completely wheat and glutten free and he said, try this amino acid stuff - if she is having stomach issues, this will coat her tummy and alleviate the pain. So that and oil of oregano 3 times a day and within a week she was 'cured' and has not had one stomach ache since ... that was about 3 months ago. So there you go.... hmmmm So what is my point???- our Canadian 'free' health care system is taxed beyond belief - you can wait months to even get an appointment, or an ultrasound or god forbid you need an MRI... people here complain constantly about wait times and shortages of hospital beds. But how many people take advantage of the system, how many people rely to heavily on the opinion of their doctor instead of trying to figure out some of their ailments by themselves? Why don't people question more and take more responsibility for their own health instead of leaving it up to other people - who yes undoubtedly are smart, who went to school forever but are humans, work long hours, have stress, fight with their spouses before work, and are not infallible. Stop handing over your health, your bodies and your lives to others and start taking care of yourself first. Then when you really need help, it's there, its not over taxed, over burdened and they can do a better job focusing on those who have no other options left. Ok I quit - that's it.... shut up bugzy good nite me |
....Cause I am pooped and my carpal tunnel is really acting up - my mouse scroll finger is causing a shooting pain up my right arm that is just annoying. .. and I am behind in my marathon reviews in ...Lou-Here By His Grace  ...port and I have work to do tonight still.Sooooo... at the risk of making everyone 'gag' - this is a super short and super sweet little story of what happened late last night after I had already blogged. I was on a super editing marathon session - determined to get the novel done before I went to sleep (which ended up being around 2amish). But it was midnight or so and Dev was still up.... grrrrr.... but she was so cute. She has a loft in our place and she lays on her floor with her head in her little door way and chats to me sometimes and I can't be mad for long. Anyway she came down and walked behind me and opened the sliding glass door and said, "Mom, can you take a break?" Well of course, my instant reaction is,, nooooo - but I am behaving, so I say sure doll, what's up? Well she wanted me to go outside. So out we go - she's in her PJs, me in my bare feet and tshirt and capris, and we go out onto the dock. She wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my shoulder and smiled. She said, "Wow, Mom isn't this the greatest? Look at all the stars. We haven't seen that many since we left the farm. It is so great here, I just love it, it's so quiet." Well my heart melted. We stood there for a few minutes , looking up at the stars and hugging. And talking about our little paradise - We had a rough time the last few years, lots of stress and tension and we both feel so much happier here in our little home - away from the crap we left in our old life. So I think we both appreciate the calmness and stress -less life we have now.... but then we realized it was low tide and kinda stinky fishy smelling and getting freezing... so we scooted back inside lickedy split. I went back to work and complained I was freeeeezing, and rubbing my legs. I put my laptop on my legs to get them warmed back up. She went into my bedroom and came out with my blanket and came over with a big smile and said, "Lift up your laptop and your arms and I am going to tuck you in snug as a bug." She did that, tucked the blanket all around my feet, kissed me on the cheek, told me she loved me and off she went back to bed. Sigh.... well if that doesn't warm your heart today - then I don't know what will. I was thinking today on my sojourn with Darla this morning that I hadn't had a melt down in awhile ( well i had a mini one, missing a certain old flame - but it didnt last too long thanks to my friends on here) and then I realized..... crap with little moments of absolute love and joy like that one...... no wonder I am doing ok these days. That's it. Just more smiles and peaceful thoughts around here for now. Perhaps the darker days are on the fly for a bit. That would be nice. have a good one my friends - hope this made you smile as much as me. cheers bugz |
| Ok not mine - but for those who have not kept track it is exactly 66 days until my daughter Devann's Dev 15th birthday (july 26) Now ever since she was TINY, her birthday celebrations had to be a HUGE deal - guest lists, present wish lists, ideas, planning, decorations, cakes, invitations, etcetcetc. And the stress mounts every year - every year the year before must be outdone - and the planning and worrying starts about 30 seconds into the current celebration. Last year was a huge success - go cart racing with at least 15 classmates. So this year is going to be tough. The "MOM-what-am-I-going-to-do-about-my-birthday-party-this-year-whine" started months ago - but I have managed for the most part to elude any commitments so far. Well tonight it reared its ugly head AGAIN! We have gone from wanting to take the whole gang on my brother's boat out to a local island hot spot, to a murder mystery party, to a bbq and swim off our dock - and perhaps a survivor-type-ordeal on the little island across the way (which is my most favorite choice so far)...but regardless - it better be 'good' or the suffering I will endure will so not be worth it. Tonight on her nex-blog she listed her ideas, guest list etc - so it is now online , so it is getting serious now. I hope no creepy old pervs read that blog and decide to invite themselves!!! gag - I still have a deep worry about all her little sites, here and there and blogs and msn and other chats she's into... but I TRY not to be a nag or a suspicious party pooper - but I try and look over her shoulder .... and she does show me her sites from time to time... still........ Anyway my point was more this - breaking patterns. My birthdays when I was young are not good memories for me for the most part. I am not saying this for a pity party - more for a reflection for us parents on how important (and sometimes easy) it is for us to break patterns and ensure our pain is not that for our children. I remember a few birthdays of mine 'being forgotten' or 'sorry bugzy we don't have any money this year for anything, we will make it up to next year' (right) I never had a party or was I allowed any friends over to my house ever, never mind birthdays. My first surprise birthday party was when I was 19 ... (the pic I was taking about SKI) I have to find that...I cried the whole night I was soooooooooo happy. What a great time that was, what great and supportive friends they were to plan that for me, knowing how sad I was thinking of my birthday that was coming up. I will remember that night for the rest of my life. I think it is ok to spoil our kids. It is ok to indulge in silly things like making a big stink for birthdays and other events that are important to them. And being there for them when they ask us. My dad didn't come to my wedding or my high school grad - I vow never to miss another important event in my children's lives ever again - even it if it's a birthday party where technically I am prob not exactly invited anymore. 66 days and counting.... wish me luck!! cheers and smiles, knowing Dev will have a great time - once again. bugz |
| It's funny I wish people a good weekend ( and i started on thursday last week cause I lost a day) and I know there is a shift for most people between week days and week ends - but for me - for one reason or another I am living a life where it doesn't really matter what day of the week it is. Other than I know ski doesn't usually blog on weekends... oh speaking of which. maybe he did - i will check hang on....ok nope - good didn't want to be behind. So most days I have to really focus and look somewhere to figure out what day it is. How fabulous is that. I used to be so consumed by the calendar and schedules and appointments and obligations and time and stress and and and... Saturday I worked for ten hours straight on an novel I am editing - well between, making lunch and tea and blog hopping ( see comment further down) and emails and ok a couple of chats - and it was great. My time is my own I work when I want and I work around other priorities in my life - like watering my garden and hiking with darla.... again and again and again I am over loaded with gratitude. I am working hard every minute to hold on to the faith that this is the life I am finally meant to have - it is perfection in it's highest form. I keep holding to the faith that money is coming to allow me to stay here in the place. I panic occasionally and even talked to the pub owner up the way about working as a waitress - which I would SOOOO suck at - I mean not the chatting up customers, flirting (hehee) and making sure they were all happy happy - but the order taking - would kill me - I wouldn't even remember the order from one minute to the next my memory is so torturous - and I know, write it down blah, blah but I cant read my writing half the time haha and would forget what I wrote - soooo fingers crossed that doesn't become my next career hahahaha... I would feel sorry for potential customers. .. But speaking of the pub - Devann works there as so she called me late Sat nite when her shift was almost done at 10pm to come up for a beer - I said nooooooo way - believe it or not I am painfully shy ( its true, really, no, really - ok, seriously, yes I am !!! trust me) especially around people i do not know in social situations - well Dev wouldn't take no for an answer and said that one of our neighbours who I knew was there so I reluctantly agreed to leave my little paradise - and I was working !! so i headed up .. and I helped her finish some of her chores and went and had a beer with my neighbour . and another gal just started chatting me up right about the time I was feeling uncomfortable. Well she was a blast and I ended up 4 beers later having such a good time - Dev was getting pissed because by then she was so tired and wanted to leave hahahaha. so she dragged me home! But I dont get out much and it was fun to hang out and listen to great music and just let loose and be a bit silly - well I behaved for the most part - just flirted a tiny bit (heehe) So my neighbour had a book - it was about sayings from liverpool and it turns out my name "Judy" is a popular 'saying' and here is what it means: a girl/woman - a favorite excuse when caught loitering with intent to commit a felony ---- as in "I were waiting for me Judy police check " hahaahhaah when they read this to me I cracked up. You have to say it with an english accent and the gal I met was British so she did it to a tee!! I was reminded when I was in England for a family reunion and went out with my cousins ( man those brits can drink . .holy!!) and we got quite silly and i was on my cousins shoulders .. he is about 6 feet 3 inches and we were staggering down the street when we came upon 2 bobbies and I proceeded to 'borrow' his hat.. well... he was NOT amused - but luckily I charmed him hahaha and I got off with a warning hahahah.. that could have been the start of a slippery slope of a life of crime right there! anyway it was fun and fun retelling that story to my new friend Cheryl. Sunday has been a day of work on and off too and still tonight I need to work for a bit so won't blab too much longer here. There was a huge boat show here at the marina with people racing model boats - and a wooden boat festival ....I wanted to get pics but it rained today and dev's camera is being pooching so hopefully tomorrow I will take some pics and show them here. oh... yes my other comment - - - I did some blog hopping over the last few days - curious what people write about - and it's funny how many times people say.. ahhhhhh I have nothing to say ....hahaha I am going to stop saying that (even if I have nothing to say) So there..... and as it turns out I have more than enough nonsense to share so it seems. All is good here at the island paradise - even if tomorrow is Monday I don't care - heehee I am happy to have another day to work and play and hang with my friends here. Be well and good cheeeeeers bugz |
| Ok sorry again Thea.. but you started this.... having again, no earth shattering words of wisdom to depart I wonder oh gosh gee, what to write about tonight??? As I was pondering this between alt/shfting back and forth to the novel I am currently editing - I suddenly felt something crawling up my leg ( I first I thought SKI!!!! YOU"RE HERE?? ) but nope... too small for you , especially after that peanut butter chocolate cake you had for brekkie this morning..... so I had a look down and there was a big horkin' ant!! not one of those little teeny tiny house ant... it was a colossal - mondo giiiiiiinormous ant! Not that they usually freak me out or anything, I just automatically gave him a little flick - I am sure he was ok, landing on the carpet.... but my question is.. and really, seriously winner gets a prize (tbd)..... how did an ant get here in MY house??? Ok I am floating on about 22 - 30 feet of water, depending on where the tide is at - the closest shore line is about 50 meters away, we are attached by about 300 meters or so of dock to the next closest land mass... and the closest pile of dirt. Soooooo.. that still begs the question.. how did this pesky little thing end up in my room?? And you know... there is NEVER just one ant - so he has friends...... and how did they get here?? So I will leave you to ponder that great question of the day. And not bore you with any more of my daily drivel - except that I did think today was friday and messed up the head of at least one other person on here.. wont say who but he likes peanut butter chocolate cake - hahaha. AND believe it or not.. I know this is kinda sick - I was glad it was only Thursday as I have SOOO much crap to do, I really need more days. So glad I didn't lose one. Have a great FRIDAY you all.... and weekend in case I get lazy - which is highly likely. BTW..... it's a long weekend up here in Canada - the big one - the first traditional camping weekend and an excuse to drink ALOT of beer. So stay away from the campgrounds up here - in case you were coming by for a visit. Cheers bugz btw(again) thanks all.. for the lovely thoughts after yesterday's entry. My friends on here - do help my heart - really. I am blessed! Thankyou. |
| Well Thea hit the hammer on my head with her comment about yesterday's entry. And I realized how busy my brain really is. No wonder I am pooped out a lot of the time! My mind is one crazy thing. This morning had my walk with Darla and had a mini meltdown. I am missing someone today. It was a relationship that ended awhile ago - and even before it started, I knew it wasn't a long term thing which was fine at the time. And logically I talked myself through it - and out of it when the time came. But doesn't mean I wasn't still sad. And today I still miss him and the fun we had. I don't think I ever get over anyone that I have loved. I know I have said before that every time I have loved and left that my heart got bigger - but today I feel the opposite. I feel that everyone I have loved has taken a piece of my heart with them.. and today I feel like my heart is tiny... and hurting. But the good news about my erratic and unstableness is that I recover quite quickly. So I guess I managed to let that go when it was time for breakfast on the dock in the sunshine. I miss him - just like I miss a lot of people who have come and gone in my life. But I will try to remember the fun and move on. Easier said than done on some days. So..... just tried to work today. And complain to my galfriend, a fellow broke writer hahahaha. Good to commiserate on who is more broke sometimes! Funny though - I think she will never have money where I know I will. One of my editors loves my work so much she paid me for an extra 400 words on my last article - just to throw me some more $$ - how cool is that??? Tonight had mangos and strawberries. My good WDC buddy LOU always writes great stuff on memories - and I always lament that my memory is so bad it is hard for me to remember and so I love to read his work - well tonight smelling those mangos brought me right back to a time when I was around 14- we were living in San Salvador Central America and when we would leave school in the afternoon there would be a young chap selling mangos on the street - he would peel and cut them on a little machine and then put them in a baggie with brown salt. We used to walk home eating that delicious, sweet, salty, tangy treat - and all was good in our world. And so it is here too. Thanks for hanging in my mind crazy as it is.... see ya soon cheers bugz |
| I have absolutely NOTHING of any value to say today - nothing witty or inspiring or even funny. Nope, nada, zilch, zip. Today was hmmm... can't say it was a total waste - it was gorgeous, had my early morning walk with Darla, ate my breakfast on the dock - but then it kinda went downhill. I didn't get much on my to-do list done. I don't even write those anymore - thank God. But that means I don't get much done. I had to have a nap because I was up at 4am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep - so that left me all grumpy and mad at myself. But I did get the next edit done on a novel I am working on, so that was good. I guess. I am feeling so broke - I think that is the overlying feeling these days. I am worried that I will have to head out of my paradise to get a real job soon and that will kill a piece of my soul. It seems like I have a massive amount of work to do but the money part just isn't cooperating. I wonder if I could find a job flirting - crap that I know I can do. So the best part about today was after dinner outside - sigh ( all my neighbours are jealous of our lovely dock) I made potato salad out of the left over potatoes. So that made me happy. When I make potato salad - it means summer is here. So everything is good. That's it folks - well that and Darla decided to dig to china in one of my planters and she is now officially up for sale - if anyone needs a dog! ... phewf - glad this is done, for another day and I am off the hook for something witty and amusing until tomorrow night. btw water - 60degrees today - but didnt go in - Dev said, god mom just do it! maybe tomorrow cheers bugz |
| I started a Happy Mother's Day one in my head yesterday but didn't get to it.... had one too from Saturday, didn't get to that, wasn't home yesterday so didn't get to that.. .so here you go Monday night - with a few other days thrown in. My son sent me flowers on Saturday- orchids that smell unbelievable! and his card said this " l love you more than you could imagine. I feel like we have become so much closer ever the past little while. Having you to suppport me and catch me when I fall makes all the obstacles I have faced seem insignificant. Have a wonderful Mother's Day. Miss you lots and love you more. Drew. WOW - Drew and I too have had a rough go these last few years and it is astounding how close we are now. So needless to say I had a glorious time for Mother's day this year. Last year Devann and I went camping in Algonquin Park which is a huge provincial park in Northern Ontario. It was a great surprise and we had an absolutely fabulous time - just us two gals. It was a time of renewing our bond that had been having a rough go. It was during that time, that I made the decision to leave Ontario, our life and my love there. So this whole year since has been a huge transition for both of us - new jobs, new school, new home, and new life. And for the last few weeks, Devann has been wondering and worrying that she would not be able to plan something as great this year. Well she was wrong!!! WE had a fabulous time again. Again - she planned a total surprise - and we went to a city about 1.25 hours south and she booked a very gorgeous hotel to stay at. We watched crap movies, ate way tooo much crap room service and went late night swimming in the hotel pool. Then we had a great breakfast and she booked up a spa treatment together that was out of this world!! We went hiking afterward in Goldstream Park which is in the mountains on the drive back home - Darla had a blast and we will definitely go back there when we have more time ....there's lots more to explore ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** AND our other big news is that we worked super hard all weekend - cleaning off our dock - getting rid of all our old construction junk (4 trips to the dump) and started to plant our gardens out there. Today we planted Honeysuckle by request from a dear sweet friend - it is his favorite and two Clematis and tomato plants, lettuce, herbs, petunias, bleeding hearts and 2 gorgeous Japanese Maple trees. I just hope that nothing blows off in the wind and goes for a dip - we would be hard pressed to save it!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** so we are all set for company - roll on over, the invitation stands - the water is getting warmer .... 58 degrees today. The beer is cold, the chics are hot and life is good!!!!! cheers bugz |
| Had lots of thoughts today while out for my 'hike'. - dragged Dev along too, although I will admit that I kinda left her in my dust for part of it as my idea of pounding ahead, getting the burn of the lungs and the sweat going was not her idea of fun. So instead of being a pouty, nagging head - I just surged ahead and let her amble along at her own pace with Darla. ... it is so glorious here it is quite unbelievable. Tonight too when Dev and I sat outside eating dinner I just felt completely overwhelmed. I sat with my feet hanging over the edge of the dock..... got that uuuuuuuuuuuuurkkkkkkkkkkkkkk feeling - it was soooo bloody cold!!!!!!! - 60 degrees.... but it felt so exhilarating. I lay back with my feet dangling (lucky the otters didnt visit until later) and the sun was just beating down, warming my whole body right down deep inside to my heart. I felt like crying really. The sky was one of those crisp, startling blues and we both watched an eagle just floating and playing in the wind, high above the treetops. Absolutely mind boggling gorgeous. I reminded myself several times to stay grateful - which is not hard to do these days that is for sure - but too I will say today, I did worry a bit. I so don't want to put any negativity out there - not today of all days for sure - but here in, lies a little problem that I have had before in my life. I grew up with a lot of discord and chaos. Looking back over my life when things have been going 'well' and calm and seemingly joyful - I have sabotaged myself and that joy. Countless times I have watched myself do exactly that. When things were beyond my wildest dreams of happiness - I would do something to fuck it up. It was always like I couldn't hold on to the happiness. Many many times over the last 5 years since my sister died, I have watched myself and realized that I truly didn't know what it was like to be happy and be able to stay happy for any significant length of time. It was almost if, I only felt comfortable in chaos. I don't know what it is like to have true happiness - and it still feels foreign to me. Like today - I felt bursting with happiness like I have never felt - but it was almost outside of me and if I liked it too much, it would leave. Hard to explain - unless you 'know' this one. I dont want to ruin this. Not this time. I am putting this fear out 'there' and on here - so that those who know and are getting to know me can watch over me a little bit, so this doesn't happen - not this time... ok?? This time, I want to know I can be happy and that I deserve to be happy and it doesn't have to slip away and that I don't have to wreck it just to stay in my comfort zone that I know so well of discord and shit. I want to bust out of that old comfort zone and open up the limits on this one - and really, truly deserve and stay happy. Wow- didn't know this was going to come out quite like this. I have tears.. some are worry ones but some are ok - grateful that I have my friends here who I know will help me out. Thanks guys... really. I'm gunna be ok, this time... I hope xoxo bugzy ps .. just because everything is perfection in timing. Fleckgirl sent me this today: ( i edited it a bit cause it was kinda long - these are the good parts) Thanks sis - you're awesome!! THE TONGUE CAN BE YOUR WORST ENEMY! Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have power to create conditions in your life. What you speak about, you can bring about. If you keep saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job. If you keep saying you can't stand your body, your body can become sick. If you keep saying you can't stand your car, your car could be stolen or just stop operating. If you keep saying you're broke, guess what? You'll always be broke. If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find someone in your life to hurt and betray you. If you keep saying you can't find a job, you will remain unemployed. If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you or believe in you, your very thought will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs. If you keep talking about a divorce or break up in a relationship, then you might end up with it. Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive and power packed with faith, hope, love and action. Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve. Watch your Thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your Habits, they become character. Watch your Character, for it becomes your Destiny. The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for. |
| I was thinking about addictions today. I think people either have that addictive gene or they do not. It's that simple. I have it for sure. I am just 'lucky' that I didn't get addicted to stuff like cigarettes or booze or stuff like that. Man if I had ever started smoking I probably would have smoked 3 packs a day and who can afford that? Not me! But my addictions change - but I think I am always addicted to something. The obvious one that is a constant is of course .. men. ( see my Addictions poem in my contest folder... phewf ) But there are others that come and go . In January for instance I was addicted to my kitchen counter. Man I was IN LOVE! I used to go out like every 15 mins and run my fingers over the new, cool, bumpy granite surface..mmmm.. There's a hint for you boys - buy your wife a new counter top and she will love you BIG time..if I had had it installed by some cutie from home depot instead of my brother... wahooo! he wouldn't have stood a chance! hahaha But that didn't last long - I mean I still slide my hand over it every morning, and I did press my face against it this afternoon (it has been feeling neglected )but I don't necessarily want to crawl on top of it anymore. Nah I moved on. Now I am addicted to my bread machine....mmmmmmmmm. Oh yah. Now that is nice. All I have to do is give it like 5 minutes of attention, throwing stuff into the little pan doodah and set the timer and in the morning when I wake up ..... super mmmmmmmmmm Well now too in order to wear off that yummmy hot luscious bread I have to get my butt moving - so its heading out with Darla that gives me a rush these days. Right now it still consists of wrapping my poochy ankle up super tight and hiking boots - but my running shoes are winking at me... you must be sending them subliminal messages SKI - cause I gave up running years ago.... well we shall see if that addiction resurfaces. That is the cool thing about my addictions they change.. but the good ones come back too. Ok, well I need to satisfy my addiction of sleeping now. So .. thanks again for hanging in my head - it pretty happy these days! cheers and warm bread and butter bugzy |
| Yikes, soon it is time for Ski to be at work and I have not written my blog yet. I have been working like a cuckoo head on this novel I am editing and it is a slow process - one page can take me over an hour! Every sentence needs to be reworked and it is challenging my brain like no other. But hahaha... I do love a challenge - so just ignore me when I complain endlessly ( hey some of you said I could complain earlier...remember???) So this is a short and sweet one. Today was absolutely GLORIOUS!! A toasty 19 degrees (or 66 for my southern friends) which considering we had hail just a couple of days ago - was heavenly. Darla, Dev and I went for a huge hike - well Darla took us on a wrong turn - and we went way off onto another trail we didn't know and so we ended up going a lot farther than usual. It was really rough going in some spots - some parks rate their trails 1-5 , 5 being most challenging - well this one was definitely a "5". My ankle is totally throbbing tonight, but I wouldn't have missed a step. It was so sunny and hot, again I stripped down to just a yoga top! I get a rush out of working up a sweat but Devann was not very pleased with me and told me I smelled and stuck her head out of her window in the car when I tried to put my hair up with a clip on my head......haahahaha Well here is a pic from the view of our dock tonight as we sat outside eating our dinner. Heaven for sure right? All are welcome - come by anytime - the water is back up to 54degrees today!! Counting the days when this gal is diving in head first. Thanks for stopping by - back to work I go. Cheerios and sunshine bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ok.. I do have to note a downside - the family of otters, sure they look cute, who live around us, have decided to take revenge - and I watched all of them one by one, stand on my dock, right outside my front door and poop!!!!!!!!! super, super yucky!! |
| I didn't write yesterday as by the time it was 'time' to write in here I was to whacked out. I finished my final, final, final edit on my novel from the Introduction to Chapter 6. And I read it out loud - and as I am very auditory when I hear things they are much more powerful for me. So by the end I was very emotionally drained. I feel the realization of this dream is finally happening - it was been a long, lost and twisted road these last 5 years. I am enclosing a short excerpt on the ending of the chapter 6 - this is a discussion I had with my sister's husband, who during my time in Spain - I began to loathe - he is the one person on this planet who I chose never to forgive - I know all about forgiveness - dont get me wrong, I have forgiven and thanked everyone who I have allowed to hurt me including myself - but some how I still need to hang on to the immense feelings of hate that I have for this man - here is just 'one' of the reasons: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * John pops by and he and I go next door for coffee as the nurses want to change the bedding. As we walk across the street I think how strange it is that this hospital is tucked between rows of houses. It doesn't look like a hospital at all with its large dark green hedges and white washed walls. It reminds me more of an old Spanish villa - a little worn out and a bit tired, but surely stately in its day. The little cafe is sweet and I see that my buddy who gave me the lighter the other day is here. He nods. I order a tea and croissant as I look for a window seat. Any time away from Muffin is torture, but from the window I can at least see the hospital. John sits down across from me at the small wooden table. His pinched face tells me he has a mission and I wait to hear what it is. He is a small man - petite really with a thin face, thin blond hair and small dark eyes that stare. He is a nervous type too with one leg jittering up and down crossed over the other one. I don't have to wait long to find out what is on his mind. “She is being very selfish you know,” he announces. I cannot speak. “She should have continued with chemotherapy. If she had, she wouldn't be here right now. Doctor Benito told her when we went to see him that she was a bad mother. And I agree. What kind of mother would put her life in such jeopardy? She never thought of our kids. I did everything I could to make her go back. She should never have quit after only five treatments. She got all messed up with Lotta and that gang of friends she has telling her not to do it. Now look at what has happened? I am so damn angry at her. Those kids are going to grow up without a mother and it is her fault!” I have to take a moment to catch my breath as I busy myself focusing on the croissant that has now lodged itself like a large hard ball of contact cement in the back of my throat. I cannot meet his eyes. This is the most disgusting and ludicrous thought I have ever heard in my entire life. I let him ramble on, but I can no longer hear his words. He is like a 45rpm record playing at 33. I hear garbles but they are not connecting to my brain and it is several moments before I can talk. “John, I have to disagree with you.” I feel my words shaking loose from my mouth. “Muffin loves her kids more than anything. She did what she felt would save her, not what would kill her. No mother would do that. She had to do what was right for her. Not what you felt she should do. Or what the doctors said she should do. She told me about that meeting with Benito. He was pretty mean saying stuff like that. He had no right really!” He argues on and on. I have no more words. I am so consumed with grief. My heart is heavy as I watch his lips move but I can not connect to his voice. Filled with sadness I see Muffin being swallowed up in the poison of this man more than in the poison of the cancer. I leave my cold tea. “I need to get back now.” I know I am rude as he kisses my cheek and I turn and run back across the street, tears pouring down my face. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If any publisher reads this and doesn't want to sign my book... he or she has a heart of stone. Well I am off now to do some more work editing on novel number 3 - my paid gig. BTW the first book I edited has been released and is up for sale already. I bought a copy! That was very exciting. It is rainy here and chilly. I am still in my PJs and snuggled up with Darla. But I feel good. Warm and peaceful today.I look at my sister's picture and I feel loved. Thank you for reading part of my book. I will keep you posted on it's progress. Cheers bugzy |
| My puter all fixed up works super good now. It was getting poochy and slow and this gal types wayyyy to fast to have the patience to wait for a bunged up puter. So we are all good to go and friends again. I was going to have to make him move out and sleep in his own room if he wasn't going to get better - I am a lousy nurse , bet yah didn't know that - well it's true and now it's in writing. I mean I am ok for the first ok..hmmm... lets say 3 days of pampering, soup in bed, water, tissues etc - but then its lets go.. enough of that things to do... and that is just on myself .. I have noo patience for myself when I get sick.. no time. Whoa did I digress there... phewf - ok, well anyway. Up super early , flirted a bit to start the day off right...hmmm thanks boys - you do a gal's heart good - then jumped in the shower , got the hair all good - I had a fabulous hair day today - makes the world a better place right Deb?? Then bandaged up my poochy ankle, strapped on my good hiking boots and headed outside with silly crazy Darla the dog. We made our rounds, said hello to the marine folk then headed full steam ahead. i was dressed for the weather at the time I left my house. Yoga top ( essential) turtle neck sweater - its cold here , and rain coat , cause you never know. So I was set, .. well 10 mins in I am sweating like a banshee ( how do they sweat anyway) phewf, so off goes the coat, tied around the waist - not a good look, but what are you gunna do... so 10 more minutes in the sun pours out I am dying of heat stroke, off goes the sweater - tied around the waist.... double not a good look .. but oh well!! And off we hoofed. It was absolutely magnificant!! The sun beaming down, every where is wet and dewy, the grass is all green, the flowers and trees are budding, the streams are rushing and gurgling, the birds are singing, the trees are rustling in the wind.... every pour in my body is alive and breathing. We head off going up and down and around we went.... Then i thought we better turn around so we head back and the sun goes away too right at that moment. It felt ok.. but after 20 mins my arms were bright red and it was like standing under a cold pins and needles shower.. but it felt great too.. burning cold but too I was hot and sweaty at the same time.... you must get that feeling eh SKI??? Invigorating!! Darla was a totally spazzzzz.. she put her face right into a thistle and man that was funnnny, she jumped right out and spun a 180 degrees in the air.... i burst out laughing!!! hahaahhaah Then 5 minutes later, she decides she loves dead squished slugs and wants to rub her face in it..... YUCK!!! I had to put an end to all the fun and games just like all the boring moms... NO DARLA YUCKY!!! hahah should have seen her sad face hahaha So that was way cool. My ankle is killing me know, but oh well, it was worth it. I finished the next rewrite on my novel for chapter 5 and 6. So maybe on more go around and we are all set to head it over to the agent.... yahoo - lets get this baby moving!! Had a great day alone, just writing and chatting. Devann called twice all giggly and happy. I bet not many other moms got two calls today from their kids on that trip. Wow... again she is a dream. Well off to lala land. Pretty beat but super happy tonight. All is good in my world. Hope yours is too xo bugzy |
| I am getting into this mulit-tasking title idea for my bloggy doodah! I can cover way more ground this way. So super crazy day today. I delved back into chapter four rewrite on my novel this morning. ... for those not up to date on this part of my life - and I know it's hard to keep up - I have trouble most days - My novel... is a journal of the time I spent taking care of my sister in a palliative care hospital in Spain. I was there 52 days in that room with here. She died in the end - but what a journey we had together. It is sad that she died, yes, but it was the most life changing dramatic, inspiring, hopefully, joyfully, soulful time in my life - one that changed me and all those around us, all the nurses, doctors, friends - it was such a gift to me. i cannot explain it here you will have to buy the book hahaha. Anyway first draft was done mid March. I hired an editor and we have been hacking away at it every since. We did first round it was hard but ok - then second round got rough. My editor in her wisdom , decided there was a parallel story that had to be written. Originally the novel was mostly just about me and my sister and our journey together - but it became evident that there a few other things going on outside our hospital room - and a huge part was of course our family. We /I had huge shit with my Dad especially and my editor said I had to start purging this crap and get it into the novel as it was critical for the events that happened and to explain the deeeep healing that went on - especially between my sister and my Dad..... sorry this got long - ... anyway, chapter four got critical and I had to add a lot of shit about my relationship with my Dad. That chapter has been sitting on my puter 'open' for 10 days ( I never turn this baby off - we sleep together, it's nice, toasty makes a little humming noise, kinda jabs me in the back from time to time.. but all in all a good roommate) So for ten days, I would see it up there, I would click on it, try to write a few words, start to cry and close it again. So this was pissing me off - so this morning I said ok.. you have until 2pm just do it damn it. So I did.... whoa and when I go, I go... send it off to my editor and this is what she wrote me back immediately:(ok remember, she is ruthless has made me cry a million times and has no remorse hahaha): "Okay - I've just read it thru without doing any edits and I think it's brilliant. What a difference when you really dig down deep into yourself and write with honesty and passion. Honestly, it's the difference between night and day. so, please continue in this vein as we go thru the rest of the book. It's a thousand times better than before. Bravo!" Well I tell yah, tomorrow as soon as I get up I am heading into chapter five - which again is a killer. We are finished chapter 6 and then next step - the agent is waiting for these first 6 chapters, they will be sent off to be presented to the publisher we are hoping to hook. Wow... ok, so we are back on track - my goal June 15th to get a deal! My sister's would have been 50th birthday! So topic number two - these ones are short - sorry about earlier... ok, so my dearest, sweet daughter Devann ( who for those who dont want to read yesterdays bloggg - had another 'sex' talk last nite) send me a C Note today ( well two cause she pressed enter twice.. heehee) And it was for me for being her friend in all seasons.. and she said "hiya mama whats going on??? just wanted to say i love you and thanks for the badge toodles homeslice" Not too sure what homeslice is referring to.. but I am thinking it is something pretty damn cool!!!!! Super lucky for me again! I had given her an angel badge a few weeks back cause she was sad she was only still a one - and I gave it to her for a million reasons but one, because she asked. And I think to be able to ask for what you want is a true gift and I hope she never loses that (speaking from a gal, who has great difficulty asking for what she wants - I know hard to believe but its true) Ok last topic, cause I am getting way tired and you are prob way tooo busy to deal with much more of my crap - tonight got home, it is heaven here - sigh, so quiet, stars were out, Dev is away for 4 days with school and I was so happy to be here all by myself. I put my clean fuzzy sheets on my bed, and crawled into my clean fuzzy blue snowflake PJs ( I know but hey , its still cold here at night and although I do have my puter and my puppy, I still sleep alone and need to keep toasty ) and I was thinking how luscious it felt and how the smallest things ( hey this is a Ski thing to say..... cool) how the smallest things can bring such joy. mmm... so all toasty here, happy and smiling and counting blessings instead of sheep as I head out. cheers my friends -thanks for hanging with me bugzy " |
| Ok Ski, remember your comment about doodoo head weather guys - well your prob didn't say doodoo head - but regardless..... there is no way any weather man could have predicted today, even if he did look out the window. We had the FREAKIEST hail storm ever - the size of golf balls - it started like rain and I was working - yes... I was - finished my article and started on the next novel edit - and then it got soo loud I thought .. what the heck, got up looked out and holy holy.... it was pelting - my dock was covered in hail and looking out at the water it was the most spectacular sight ever.... I ran around like a cuckoo tried to find Devann's camera... grrr.. had to venture up to her loft into the pit of hell and finally found it, but the time I scurried ( yes I did ) down the ladder - which is a trick I'll tell ya - and got out, opened the sliding glass door - got SOAKED.. and took a pic, it had pretty much stopped - but here is the pic for you to see......scroll down, then come back up here.... So crazy weather in Texas too and hurricanes and just nonsense all around!! But here about 20 minutes later the sun burst out and blue skies poured in .. and that was that.!! But this was a digression - the real topic, is one of my favorites and that would be... come on take a guess..... yup, not even fair to make you guess, it's so obvious.... 'boys' But not mine this time... hope - Devann's. She will kill me - luckily she is not interested in my drivel and doesn't come here - well I know she did once and she knew who Deb was.. so.. ok, well I will know if she reads this because, I will hear the ominous ... OH GAWED MOM.... YOU SUCK!!! - nice language I know but she's 1 year, 2 months and 24 days shy of 16 - so we are doing pretty good with the language thing... although the crowd's favorite saying these days is penis... which is odd - but oh well , could be worse....... so anyway, I know, I am so verbous - she got her first 'boy' call tonight. It was soooo cute, he called 3 times, because we didn't hear her cell the first two times, cause the music was too loud.... poor guy - gets the nerve to call and she doesn't even answer - then she thinks it is her brother and starts yipping away and the poor, poor, devastated guy finally has to say, I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU"RE TALKING ABOUT - she hands the phone to me, cause she thinks this guys is a cuckoo and I say, who is this.. and he says Jordan.. well pooor Dev wants to crawl in a hole and DIE!!! it was priceless!!! oh she will suffer for this one for years to come. So off she goes, chat, chat, chat, giggle, giggle, - then gets on the phone to her girlfriend - i hate you, he said, she said, he said, she said, you told him i liked him.. god!!! hahaha it was so cute!! We had a great time - dinner, straightened her hair, laid on my bed and talked about boys for ages - ( I am an expert so have good - albeit very censored knowledge to share ) 'we talked about her first ahem.. sex talk that she had when she was like in grade two... that was rough - and she doesn't even remember it now - I agonized over it at the time cause she found certain 'things' that she shouldn't have and asked me, Mommy, what is this... crapola that was tense and had me doing some pretty damn quick thinking on my feet - and she doesn't remember !?!?!? God that was some of my best work - pointless hahahaha But tonight was good, sweet, lovely, bonding - she is an angel - we are both so lucky to have each other. I told her when I grew up I didn't have a mom to talk to about girl stuff and boy stuff - I am so happy she has me to talk too. I had it rough - I am glad this cycle has been halted. Tonight driving home she said, I am so glad you're my mom - I can't imagine not having you. Crap - how can life give you any more gifts than that? wow... nice for me eh? So that's it .... smiling here, life is good, joys abound. Here's the pic cheerios! bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I did have a few thoughts of some drivel or another to put on here. I am cuckoo busy, here it is almost midnight, I have yet to finish the rewrite on an organic gardening article for the mag I write for. But I am dead, dead tired. I was up until 3:30am this morning finishing the edit on this novel that was really hard to do.. ok, I called it crap several times.. sorry - but it got done and I was so happy and thought I would not see it back for at least a week or so - so I gladly took on another assignment of a book of 80,000 words - yahoo - hah!!! The other book came back tonight all done and read for round two... crap!!!! That and the newsletter I am supposed to be starting, which I have not even given 1 minute of thought toward .....and my steamy story I am supposed to be writing - although with this new lack of monogamy deal - I got some excellent and extraordinarily good and steamy material - so it was not a whole wasted last few days!! hahahha oh and yah.. that is the only reason I am writing tonight because of the PRESSURE I am getting from some silly people on here who want to live vicariously through me.. hahaha.. well no details yet my friends - but lets just say - that experiment is going so well - it may actually be backfiring and I may be going back to being monogamous ... yup I know - it will have been a short lived but extraordinarily successful experiment... I will keep you posted. Or you will read about it in my erotica piece - which I know.. I keep teasing you with.... it's cumming, I mean oops.. sorry. It's coming ... don't pressure me!!! So tonight other than smut, I was thinking about complaining. I wrote a piece in my novel about it - it was pretty good actually, I talked about my chronic ability to complain - and I asked myself how could I complain about the tiny shower at my sister's hospital , when she could not even get out of bed to shower, and how I complained about my blisters on my feet from my new jogging shoes ( yes ski I 'used' to be quite a jogger) when my sister could not even get out of bed, and there was one more but I cannot remember... anyway.. I was chastising myself for being so insensitive and selfish and I thought.. ok, that's it.. no more complaining. And then I wondered, if I complained inside my head, just to myself did it still count as really complaining ?? hmm I still dont have the answer to that. But here I am again 5 years later, thought I was wiser but......and two weeks ago I was complaining of not enough work, and now today I am complaining about too much. Go figure. So later or earlier - well earlier than right now, but later than the complaining part - tonight, I stepped out onto the dock - it was dark, the stars were out, the moon was shining, but I couldnt see it... and I just stood there for a few minutes. Absolute heaven. So quiet it was breathtaking. All I heard was the odd wave lapping up on my house, and the flapping of a comerant in the trees... silence. Heaven, gorgeous. I stood there, looking over the jet black water, and listening to almost nothing and I felt so blessed. Thank God for everything I have, have had, experienced, every tear, every laugh, every friend and every time I complained. I am alive. wow bugzy |
| I have always been painful monogamous. I meet someone, we click, we fall in love desperately, it's all consuming, I don't even look, or blink in the direction of another, then whammo it ends, my heart is broken, cycle starts over again. Well TODAY - I had a great thought. What if I no longer limit myself to just 'one' relationship (read: man) at a time?? Those who have suffered through my 'TimeLine' piece know how many times my heart has been split into tiny pieces and how many times I have done make shift surgery to piece it back together again - and my conclusion is my heart (although pretty hacked up) is HUGE!! SOOOO.... what if I just loved with reckless abandon all those who stirred my fancy (and a few other things)?? So say I had 3 or 4, or hell, let's go for broke here ....10 on the go at the same time. Differing degrees of course - there are only so many hours in a day unfortunately - so if we were all hanging along, joy, joy, fun, fun and suddenly whammo... one busts lose, then really.... would my heart get sooooo broken if there were still, 2 or 3 or 9 left??? I think not!!!!..... I feel I am onto something great here. Certainly something worthy or more pondering and thought. And any of those out 'there' who would like to have a go and join in this experience/experiment.... just holler. And we can 'chat' specifics. I'll let the rest of you know how it goes. Sooo the other BIG news.. the Mined Bawdy Sole auction ended today... sniff, sniff... I had great fun watching the bids, bidding myself yahooo I got Mark's Mined - he is going to help me start a newsletter.. that is huge!! And it will be a paying gig. AND EASY won me... hands down - I think I cost him. $1,230,000 GPs.. I cant even count that high... wow!! AND he bid on all the guys and gals that hid open bids... I think he spent like 2Million.. I dont know.. crazy. What a generous, gentle, inspiring soul he is. I feel bad because I put him up to it in the first place telling him he should volunteer... and look what happened. This is what he wrote to me today: "While we talked of the moon and starry sky, Of the lapping waves and the night bird's cry, And the chance meeting that has changed our trail. The strength of the other's presence has meant, So much in a life that has been misspent, When we looked behind the obscuring veil." sigh... this gal's heart feels good today, I'll tell ya. Hmmmmm... ok well off to ponder, plot and plan my experiment. cheeeeers and a few beers for sure for this one bugzzzzy |
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