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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| This is a quickie - but just to let you know all turned out well today. Honesty is the best policy haha. The withholds are over and the friendship survived so all is super good - you guys are awesome - great comments and support from all my friends on here - really help me see things more clearly. Sometimes I think I just get tooooo messed in my head and can't quite get my thoughts sorted. So thanks to all of you for helping me take the muddles and making sense of them... tough job but somebody's gotta do it!!. And I had good news today but I cant tell you because technically I don't know yet - but if I did know it would mean that I might be getting a contract with a publisher for my smut piece heehee.. and an offer of acceptance for another one that is currently in the works - as a collaberation with a fellow first time smut writer! We are breeding like bunnies on here heehee..... fun times. Stay tuned I will you my real good news when I officially 'know' - then you will be the firsts to know too hheee btw thanks to all who reviewed my piece I posted on my blog yesterday - Welcome to the abyss of my mind... I am in such a better place now then I was at that time - for sure. And again I am grateful for the healing I have done here!! yahoodeedo have a super good day everyone! cheers bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
This one is huge for me... hope that doesn't equate to a huge blog entry 'cause I am tired. I have always said, "Oh, sure I'm honest!" And I believed myself for the most part. But I had a huge melt down earlier this year and wrote a poem about it actually
I realized that I have lied a lot in my life, which was pretty damn hard to admit to myself. I mean I didn't lie in huge, illegal ways, but the kind of lying I have done is that little, withholding kind. I lied to myself ALOT and lied to those around me, especially those in a relationship with me. I withheld my true feelings or opinions on something - most likely to ensure they still loved me - and liked me. I do not remember what happened in January when I wrote that poem, but it was something to do with my last relationship where I decided one of the problems was my lack of ability to speak out and say my truth. Not saying when something bothers me or when something isn't working is just like lying really. Because it starts things heading in a direction that is not the real truth. And once things start to head that way, it is so hard to get things back on track - and the longer things are not clarified, the more dishonest things get. In my defense, I do not head down that slippery trail with the intention of dishonesty. I just don't say stuff. At the time, it doesn't seem all the important. Oh its just a silly thing - doesn't really matter , doesn't have that much significance at this moment, oh I can say something later. etcetc.Then later comes and it has either just resolved itself or more times than not - it has become 'an issue' that now has to be 'dealt' with. Which, at work in my old banking days, no problem - bring it on, I was the fix-it gal. But in my personal life - confrontation... sees me running full tilt off the edge of a cliff before I can speak out. So reflection is good for me and it works. And I did alot of soul searching back since January and I have been better. I came clean with a few people in my life - never my ex Michael funny enough .. which I am glad now that I did not - as I blamed myself a lot for the demise of that relationship and now I feel it was not much to do with me at all, so I am glad I did not spew to him all my thoughts on my dishonesty with him.... But honesty is like an onion. I peel away a layer of untruth and think I am at the core, but then looking closer I realize there is still another layer and I peel that way and get a little closer to the truth - but the layers seem to keep coming and coming. And today again - this issue has raised its head to scream at me to tell me I am still so far away from being the best person I can be, the most honest person I can be.... and it's so hard to admit that. I would love to say, that I am 100% proud of myself but crap, when I think I am getting close, it's like the ego police step in and say, "Excuse me, missy, but you've got a hell of way to go yet!" So this is what happened today.....again a friendship started awhile ago - chatting, sharing stories, all nice and a sweet connection, good conversation, good friendship. I was proud of myself I set boundaries, we honoured them and it was nice. Reciprocal, and respectful. So when these friendships start out - there is not really a necessity to purge everything good and not so good. The first conversation you have with someone doesn't include a bio list of your life. You don't start of saying everything about yourself - such as money, family stuff, relationship status etcetc. Slowly as you talk more, things come out in good time and the bond continues. And for the most part unless there is a difference of opinion or the connection turns out not to be that strong - you keep talking and sharing and learning more about each other. And still it's all good. And still some things are not talked about as they don't seem relevant or they just don't get brought up - no reason. Then times continues along - and all of a sudden there is a realization that this person doesn't know something about you that is important for them to know now - but time has passed and the opportunity to say that thing has passed and now it sits there - as an unspoken truth - a withhold. But now it's awkward to say it. Oh by the way... blahbalh - because it isn't a by the way - it's an important piece of your life that has not been shared. So this is where I fall flat on my face. I have a friend who I need to say something to and words fail me. I feel like a liar now - but again, I didn't mean to be. I wasn't intentionally withholding anything - but now as I have realized that I have - I am. But it is not easy for me - those will say, crapola Bugz just say it - you make such a big deal about the littlest things. I told him earlier today I would send him an email as I was feeling emotional about something. He is waiting for it now I am sure but I have not sent it yet. I may chicken out and cut and paste this blog instead...I don't know. I think as I blog - as do most I guess and of course as I read this the answer is clear. I just need to say the btw thing and get it over with. True friends don't make each other defend each other. It will be ok. He probably knows anyway - I am just off on another tangent with no need. But again I reflect - those and regrets ( right Alfred?) keep us on track ... well me anyway. I again will take a deep breath and realize this is just another level of learning for me on this whole damn honesty thing - which I guess isn't going to be going away any time soon so better deal with it. Ok off to write that email now - if you didn't get one in your inbox when you logged in - then this wasn't meant for you hahahaha... just to be clear! Ok.. well thoughts as always from you all are appreciated as I continue to stumble my way through this journey called life. Thanks for listening cheers bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| It's funny when you are waiting for something to happen or someone to do something or for a certain day to arrive, time can pass so painfully slow, it's torture. But when you are in the midst of something fabulous and joyful that you don't ever want to end, time can whiz by. Why is that? Don't use wish you could manage time just once in awhile? I've taken several time wasting courses at the bank - for "Managing Time".. but none of those courses taught anything that would have been really useful - like how to control time, how to step back in time, how to make time or how to make time fly. Time is such a huge part of our lives - so many things can happen or change on a dime because of time. What if you were to meet someone but it was the wrong time? What if your watch was slow and you were late for work, but as you drove your usual drive you came across a serious accident - that you would have been a part of if you had been on time? Time is a great source of conversation and something we all think about at one time or another. Here are a few sayings about time: It's about time Biding time Killing time Be on time Time to go No time like the present No time to waste Have a great time I mean it this time Wasting time ... which is what I think I am going with this blog that is going no where.. I had a point, before, but I lost it. This quote sums it all up: BALLANCE'S LAW OF RELIABILITY How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on Well it's past my bedtime. So going to sign off. See you again in your time zone - which is probably a few hours ahead of mine. So you by the time you read this ... I will be asleep!! cheerios bugz |
| We were unpacking last night - still, ...sigh. Our 'stuff' is still all over the country; we have stuff at my mom's, stuff at my brothers, stuff still in two different garages in Ontario - but that's a long and super boring story - trust me! Well we did get some/most of our stuff from my brothers yesterday as we finally got another book shelf from the good ole thrift store that I love ( and got a marriage proposal there today from the crazy old owner- howz that ?) So most of our 'stuff' is books - so boxes and boxes landed - well ok things don't land here - they have to be carted down in wheelbarrows down 3 docks but again another story - so sitting on the floor super late unpacking out stuff was a trip down memory lane for sure. It was fun for the most part, reacquainting with little forgotten treasure and books. We found a photo album that was tough to see - I ran a kids yoga summer camp for 3 years and we did up a whole album and there were tons of pics of all the little kids that used to come to camp - doing yoga, playing with the goats, going on hikes with the Llamas to the river... those were some pretty amazing days. And I miss all those little guys so much! And then finding pictures of our old home and my ex - those were particularly tough to see. I thought for sure I was happy - how did I not see the real him? I have to go back to what Ski told me - and I can't remember exactly - but something about him being super nice to me in the beginning that I just didn't see it coming until it was too late. I have to believe that is what happened -- for to think anything else is just too hard. I got really emotional and Devann found a little journal book that she had from when she was in a little group at school that helped kids deal with problems, divorce, death etc. She loved going to her group - I always thought it was because she got out of math class - but she wanted me to read a few of her entries made around the time Michael and I split. It was hard I mean of course she would be sad - but seeing her little entries into her journal - for example - "My parents are fighting. I feel very sad - but I know my parents will be more kind to me now that they are going to be split up." And her pics she drew - she is in her bed and Michal and I are yelling in the next room. It so weird because we never raised our voices ever - and I thought for the most part we kept our disagreements away from her little ears - but obviously not .. Its just that I thought I was in tune with her - but there is so much I missed just from being in too deep into my own shit. She said tonight that she didn't want me to be sad and that she said she had 'no complaints' about me as her Mom... hahaha - well that is pretty cool I guess - still i have lots of regrets. We are ok now, but things could have changed completely with just a few different words along the way. I just wish there were more times that I could have been a fly on the wall - to hear exactly what she has gone through already in her little life. I missed a few cues along the way that is for sure. Oh well - its only 41 days until the 15 years old birthday and plans are talked about with more urgency lately. I have now been 'told' that I need to make myself scarce - sigh.... the clock is ticking - well at least I got to go to her first 14 birthdays. Ok too pooped now for much else - the cutie dryer repairboy finally came, popping his gum .. yuck that makes me cuckoo - so today was umpteeeen loads of laundry! yah - small things like a washer and dryer that work make this gal super happy. Ok have a good weekend you all. cheers bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I cannot even begin to describe the feelings that I have at this moment -- and have had many times lately it seems -- but right now they are particularly strong. It seems more and more I am finding myself limited by words available in the English language to explain my thoughts and feelings and emotions that surround me. I believe strongly that things happen for a reason and in its own perfect timing. I also believe people come into our lives for reasons as well. Some who I have met on here have changed my life. I have only been a member since January, a short 6 months in the grand scheme, but I have made connections with people that have far exceeded friendships I have had before. I am not sure what it is that happens -- if it is due to the level of honesty and rawness of emotions that are shared, that enables this connection, I know that friends I have had for 20 years do not know me like my friends on here. Certainly my family knows little of the Bugzy who purges her guts on these pages. I seems I have stumbled around in here - I remember posting my first poem and not having a clue what I was doing or even what my words meant. A chance reading of an entry starts a connection - some becoming so strong it is indescribable. Connecting with people in other countries, other cities, completely different in lifestyles and if not for here the chances of meeting in a regular daily existence would be completely inconceivable. Earlier today I wanted to share a website sent to me by a dear friend on here DntdKnight - again someone who I bumped into and read a few of his, he read a few of mine, etcetc and then just by some strange twist of fate we ended up having some incredibly intense conversations about our crap. He is a brilliant writer, but I will tell you, don't visit his port unless you have a strong stomach. The pain and abuse that this young man suffered as a child makes me feel like the biggest whiner on the planet. When I look at who he is and who he has become - he inspires me every time we talk. He lost his little baby Isaac at only 6 months old and how he manages to get out of bed every morning, go to work, take care of his family, his wife, and his stepson and still have a smile and a kind word and share his laughter is so beyond my comprehension. I encourage you to go to Isaac's site and light a candle. He said I could share this with you and I am honoured to do this.. http://isaac-greenlaw.memory-of.com/That was all I was going to say - just to mention him - I wasn't even going to say all the crap at the beginning - but then something happened just now that blew my mind and made me want to take this blog entry a little deeper -- and that came as a result of the blog entry tonight from alfred booth, wanbli ska who mentions some thoughts I shared earlier in an email to him. I cried. I just couldn't believe how some words that I wrote could impact him in that way, since when I wrote to him I felt at such a loss for anything that I could deem meaningful. And words escaped me to try to tell him how I was feeling - he talked about his relationship with his father and between the few lines, I felt such pain and loss - I didnt know what to say. I just wrote what came out of my heart in that instant, not really understanding what I was saying anyway. It seemed like so little really in the face of so much heartache. I am touched and honoured by him. Again I stumbled into his blog one day when I saw he had Zen philosophies and those ring in my soul. I just wanted to read them and feel a bit closer to some places that I had drifted away from over the last few years. What I have received from his blog has been so inspiring and I doubt I have even conveyed that - so now I am. I wanted then to go and make a list of my friends on here, but I have thanked all of you for being in my life in one way or another and a list seems redundant and ok, its now almost 2am and I am running on little sleep again ... I know Thea - I don't know how I do it either - so I will sign this off and thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I will sleep now for a few hours - surrounded in the warmth and love from you all. How lovely is that? ( lucky I have a big bed heehee and it's super comfy too ... drop by anytime and test it out - couldn't close without saying something naughty now could I?) I am blessed ---- again. cheers bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| It was another up crazy day here on the wild and windy Pacific Ocean, but really this was the highlight. I wrote this poem this morning and I was immediately - like within 5 minutes and still doing edits - hit with reviews. I haven't been reviewing much lately so in all fairness I am not complaining about the drop in my own reviews. But I think it was because of the categories I picked for this one , I don't, know - but I received such an outpouring of heartfelt thoughts and people coming forward to share their own painful experiences - it was just all in all an up lifting day and I feel so good for sharing this poem on here. It has been suggested that this needs to become a longer story, and that has been in my mind since this saga began. I have invited "A" for a visit as she is 8 hours away, and she wants to. I will share her response to this at the end. Sorry for those who have already read it - but thank you bearing through it again. I dedicate this to Andrea, a very courageous woman, who has just appeared like an angel into my life - to help me heal, and we are now doing that together. Evil lurks beneath the smile on your face; A smile that hides all the thoughts in your mind. Countless times you've put me into my place, Controlling words slipped inside being kind. “Let's live a better than average life.” You preached, your creed to me every day. High standards insisted for me, your wife Consuming my world in every way. You'd finally found your true love, you'd say, A good morning kiss and a smile for me. You wanted to hold hands, and liked to play, Sundays in bed found you bringing me tea. But kindness seemed to have a price to pay, It's hard to describe the roller coaster ride. I felt I was being tricked in some way, You said you loved me, but I felt you lied. If you did love me as much as you said, How was it that I was always so wrong? I didn't know how to make up the bed, Or hang up clothes or I showered too long. You'd wake me to tidy a mess you'd see, And never let me use your stereo. If you weren't at home, there was no TV. And you hid the remote, so that you'd know. Slowly your thoughts consumed all what I said, I no longer had opinions to share. Only your voice could be heard in my head I forgot how to speak; I didn't care. From insisting on slippers on my feet, To making the comments about my hair. Saying, which friends I was allowed to meet And suggesting which clothes I should wear. Most of my old girlfriends gave up trying, To warn me of you and your evil ways. They had to sit by and watch me dying, Getting caught up in the lure of your maze. I woke one day I think from a trance, Another voice inside said, I had to leave. So I left that life and took a chance, And untangled myself from your weave. It's been a year and many times I've thought, I'd go back to you and that I was wrong. And that it was all my fault that we fought And that you truly did love me all along. Then just by chance one fateful day, Your ex-step daughter wanted to heal. She wrote to me and needed to say, Please dear Judy, I know just how you feel. Today we're smiling, Andrea and I, We've helped each other to know we're not wrong. We wanted love, not to live in your lie. Now we shout, “You didn't win, we're both strong." "A" shared these thoughts after receiving my email: Dear Judy Thank you , thank you, thank you. I bawled my eyes out but they were tears of relief and more freedom. I had hoped against all hope that he wasn't controlling you so badly. For me it was the slippers, the way I turned the door knob, the way I organized my shoes the fact that I wanted a bra at age 13! What a freak. You've already given me such a gift in the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed with new hope. Thank you for your friendship. A I had other addendum to my ongoing dryer saga to tell - but I will leave that for now - and end this blog with just one more serious story tonight. This will be hard to believe for some, but after I helped my sister die such a peaceful death 5 years ago - I honestly thought my work here on this earth was done - for what else could I possible do in this lifetime that would exceed that accomplishment. I lived in a bit of half hearted way for some time, just biding my time. Well a couple of things have happened to me in the last few months to make me change my mind about that - and this past week connecting with Andrea - may just be the next greatest accomplishment of my life. How can this kind of gratification possibly be explained? So tonight I have a new thought.... my work on this earth has only just begun. So look out you all - bugzy is getting busy!! Thanks for reading me. Blessings bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I had this whole blogididyblog planned .. you see my brandy new dryer broke and so it took me like ahem 3 months to call and get it fixed - I was used to going to my mom's and using hers every friday anyway, and it gave me something to do there and she provided the soap - made me feel like a college kid and I didn't get to go to college which always made me sad, so this always feels like the next best thing - but I got annoyed and finally made like 12 phone calls and got someone to have a look. So this repairguy came - he was pretty hot too , not like the one's on TV, so I was mad I hadn't called earlier hahaha... so he had to order the part and 2 weeks passed. Then the other day I received a parcel in the mail... and you gotta know I LOVE getting parcels in the mail (hint hint) and so I was so excited to go pick it up only to find out it was the dryer part. Well that perplexed me to no end.... I have never had a repairboy come and then have the part mailed to me.... so I tried to figure that out - the part was here, but they neglected to mail the repairboy who was supposed to install it. So that took me a few more days to think about until I got back on the phone for another hour and I guess maybe someone will come and fix it ... this is sort of a continuation of yesterday when I felt like such a girl - because I said hey.. I can just put this part in myself, but when I looked at the back of the dryer for a few minutes, and all the screws and bits here and there ... I said, nah - forget it. I'll wait and see if I can get the cutie back - that'll work better. So what was my point anyway?? - none really .. the heading of my blog was going to be - what I can fix and what I don't bother or something like that.. but that didn't work for me anymore..... cause my brain is super mush now - ... I am running on about 4 hours sleep in 3 days!! Tonight was spent 6 hours in our local emergency ward at the hospital with Dev - she's fine really - not to worry, we needed to get some tests done and we dont have a doctor here yet and we went to a naturopath, which is who I prefer to use anyway and she cannot order the tests we needed - so we had to go the regular medical route anyway which made me cuckoo. but what can you do. So it was an unbelievably long night and a waste of the tax payers money for us to be there all that time... when really the naturopath should have been able to order the tests herself... grrr....The doctor, when he finally saw us, said he sat for an hour with not being able to see a new patient because there were not enough empty beds - not that he didnt have time to see anyone, just there was nowhere else for people to be treated... craziness. We met some great people there - its always interesting to see whose paths you cross in those circumstances - you really bond with people when you are in that 'emergency' environment.... and some really cuckoo heads are there too, that is for sure - we saw, a 16 year old boy who swallowed 150 'pills', a 8 year old baseball player with a broken collar bone, a 10 year soccer player with a concussion, a 17 year old boy with broken toes, a12 year old gal who fell off a horse, a 5 year old boy with a huge gash on his head, a baby with a rash, a baby with a cold, and the list goes on. Interesting but not the night I had planned. Ok so am behind in work now since I lost a whole night but going to zzzz - my brain needs to turn off. Thanks for stopping by.. sorry not too exciting... although I did rewrite my "I've come undone" blog into a better story and i submitted it to a local Cottage, outdoor magazine and told them I wanted to start a column on float house living... I'll keep you posted that would be a great gig to get. oh.. ps from yesterday I picked door number 2 1/2 - emailed my boss to check in and didnt email the other person - no point. Alright sleeping now... cheerzzz bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** my new siggy.. cute eh? and i hate hockey but dont tell my poetry world contest teamates ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| My brain is pooched. That's all there is to it. I have been working too long today- well working, with interruptions, you know from chatting, checking on the plants, ummm talking to neighbours ( not Ben he's moved now) but I didnt allow dishes to interrupt me this time, no way. But for the most part I slammed through working on a novel I'm editing. Still not done... but I am determined not to sleep til it is - so if all of a sudden my blogs get REALLY incoherent you'll know I am still awake.... I'm working on end of day two already here. So this is the only thought I have in my head at the moment... At what point to you confront someone and at what point do you just say forget it? So I have decided not to confront my ex Michael - although he deserves it, it wouldn't do any good so what's the point , except it might make me too vulnerable to his crap. Ok so I get that. But say you're working with someone and you're going along and then this person decides to check up on you or doesn't like what you are doing so they go over your head and ask your boss... What is she doing? So then your boss has to say, Ok, what are you doing? And it's not like you're goofing off at all... this particular job is taking a long time, a lot longer than originally thought - but you have been communicating that - not burying your head in the sand or anything. Soooo you think its odd that your boss is checking up , but then you do find out for sure that this person did go over your head. Sooooo what do you do? 1--Do you forget it and continue on, doing a good job - updating your boss - who actually says, great job, I am going to buy you a present, or 2--Do you ask the other person, nonchalantly, do you have any issues with my work that you would like to discuss? or 3--Do you say piss up a rope, I hear you are trying to get me in shit! I'm a chronic 'nice' person - remember? But I've been told to cut that out recently - so that would mean I am supposed to go for door number 3... but don't think I can do it. See, I never close my doors behind me. But it bugs me. If you gotta question or problem ask the source, don't skulk around. In my olden days of being entrenched into the big bad abyss of the banking world, I would not even have hesitated, I would have gone right up to door number two and stormed right in. And hashed it out right then and there. But now, I don't know. I am not sure if it's because I am getting sooo old now. Or whether I don't really have that much of a vested interest anymore, or whether I have just given up the fight lately. Or maybe I would just like to use my brain power and energy for better things and if people want to be petty, then they can go ahead and I can just ignore it. So I guess. I have answered my own question. It's one vote for door number one. I will just continue doing my thing and let the rest go. It's not my problem. I know I do a good job and that's what is important. Oh did I change POVs here mid story.... damn. where's a good editor when you need one??? hahaha ok feel free to leave a vote. The jury can always be called back, there's still left over donuts. niteynite.. well not yet .. still working cheerz bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| The wind is relentless. Waves swirl, and trees are bending their boughs like clay. The wooden wind chimes crashing into the gutters make a banging sound contrary to the soothing melody that they're supposed to make. Tiny tomato plants whip around and a newborn branch of the honeysuckle snaps and lays dying against the trellis. Birds still in flight look drunk with love as they soar against the currents before succumbing to a hazardous landing on the water. An orchestra of sound is made from masts being thrown aside as the boats tip from one side to another. A loud crack is heard but disregarded. Thoughts of pots jumping overboard and meeting an impending death like the poor chair yesterday is the only thought that finally pulls me off my butt and outside. My dress instantly is blown around and I have to use both hands to hold my hair from my face so I can see where I am stepping. I look down to see an eight inch gap where the boards of my dock used to be. Upon closer inspection I notice a rotting piece of wood has broken and it is dangerously close to splitting in two. I step over the hole and walk carefully, seeing if the dock will still hold my weight. I tentatively go to the back dock to see if any plants have jumped ship. I gasp as I realize the dock has pulled away at least six feet from the house in the far corner. I look and see the rope that is supposed to be securing the house and dock together hanging straight down into the dark water with only barnacles and clam shells holding on. Crap, is the first thought that comes to my mind... not eloquent I know, but my head is full of mush from writing articles all day. I had seen my cute next door neighbour a few hours before, so I hurried over to see if he was home. Sticking my head in his doorway, I yelled, "Ben are you still here?" "Yup," a voice from inside a bathtub answered. (and to which you say.. hmm... how does she know he is in the tub? Well because he told me earlier he was going to paint his bathtub and his voice did sound all echoey ..ok this is a serious story.. so quit interrupting) "Um... do you have any spare rope, my dock has broken away from my house!" "Okay shit, I'll be right down!" ( he did say shit, not crap) I went back to the dock and tried to pull the house back closer without falling in. Within minutes I heard the click of the gate as he came over to check me, I mean, it out. "Oh yah, ok this rope is useless. I don't have any. Do you know Chuck, he's probably got some?" "Oh ok, sure I know him, I'll go see and be right back. But look at this.. see here the dock has split." "Oh shit," (yah he doesnt have a large vocabulary)"I see what's happened because the dock pulled away from the house, the force of that movement has split the boards here. They were a bit rotten already. You will have to pull up all these boards and replace the runners along the edge here, see? Oh and look your floatation has moved and isn't lined up properly, that's why this board is jutting out. You can't just screw around, I mean screw it down because you need to pull out all these board and straighten it out first, then screw some more, I mean screw these boards back down" Ok at man-talk like that my brain goes night night. I hate being all girly-girl but I also hate fixing crap like that, and even more so because I don't own much in the way of tools. I got a power drill from some folks I worked with years ago and it was awesome - but I lost it somewhere. Man I need a drill, almost as much as I need a man to drill with it. Or a man to drill it, or a drill to man or.. ok forget it. I need a drill. Ok and a Man and not necessarily in that order - or together for that matter. Ok back to the quest for rope. So I see my neighbour Jennie chatting up some gawkers - we get a lot of those. Ben was telling me once he was having a shower and his door was open cause it was really hot and when he walked out of his bathroom butt naked ( he actually said that - I know he wanted me to visualize that part of the story cause he said it twice ) and some guy was standing in his kitchen!! hahaha Needless to say Ben freaked, he maybe a little guy but he's feisty - lots of bad words came out of his mouth - I guess the guy was curious and asked to see the rest of the house , which is funny cause that was the rest of the house - the advantage of living in a 400 sq foot house, the tour doesn't take long!! Ok back to the rope - so I asked Jennie and she said, she didn't think she had any but she'd check. Then I went to Chuck's house and just as I asked, Jennie came around with a big horkin rope. Ben was hot on my trail, I mean right behind me, so he grabbed it and we went back to my dock. Glad it was him, as he had to climb around the trellis and kinda hang off the house to reach down and tie the rope up.He proceeded to give me a very lengthy explanation about how I would need to replace this doodaads thingys ( well he called them galvanized somethings, I dont know I wasnt listening ) and that he had some for sale for $200 that he was going to put on Ebay but if I wanted them he would sell them to me.. hahaha.. that part I listened to. Right, me, spend $200 on something I can't pronounce.. haha. But luckily he let me off the hook when he said, "Well these ones are good for awhile yet but I'd replace them before another winter, if I were you." That was good enough for me to delay that purchase, thank you very much. So he tied away as I held the house closer and then he had to squeeze back between the trellis and I said, "Wow lucky you're skinny I wouldn't have fit in between there!" To which he replied, "Yah you're right, your big boobs would get caught for sure!" Crapola.... I had to let hang onto the house extra tight for fear my gapping jaw would throw me off balance and into the drink. hahaha... what a comment - ok this guy you gotta know - when he comes around to ask me to water his plants, he always carries a beer with him. But even that comment shocked me, and that takes a lot! So we chatted and he looked at the busted finger, (the dock finger not my finger - sorry Easy for making you worry about that earlier hahaha) and said it was all ok as pulling the dock back toward the house has straightened it out for now. But I will have to check with Chuck and see if he can screw me I mean it, ( man I am tired, I keep getting my words all mixed up) back together for now. He has some big kick ass tools that guy - as he is still crazy into renovations. Well I thanked Ben for tying me back up and he hung around saying, um and ah, for awhile as he stared at my big boobs I swear hahaha... And then he had to show me all the ropes that tied my house up and explained which was which and why some are tighter than others, and which one need replacing soon and blahblahblah, but I wasn't listening much at this point - I think I was distracted ...hahaha.....then off he went to get a beer I guess and crawl back into his bathtub. So that's my story - hope you liked it.....glad I gave up on blogididy blog rules cause I'm not sure, but I bet you have to scroll big time to get to the end of this one. But it was worth it right? (oh asking a question was a blog rule) OHHHH and btw an update on "A"... we have been emailing and exchanging pics - she is studying to be a nurse and plays violin in a symphony and says she is the happiest she has ever been now since we have been writing. She says its like having a witness - as her mom never believed her or stuck up for her. So I feel like kinda of a mom to her now ( she hasnt talked to hers in 10 years) Tomorrow I am going to make her a list of the good things and times we had at the farm - hopefully those will help her remember some too. She did remember two cats that she had that were still there when we were there and asked about them. i was so happy to tell her they were both still alive and well. All in all, I think we will be great friends and I am so grateful she took the chance and wrote me. I feel so much happier now. That I can close that door behind me and I feel really ready to move on with my life. okeydokey.. that's it, that's all back to work here thanks for hangin with me come for a beer anytime - now I know how to tie good knots! cheers bugz ps.. ok I did embellish a bit - Ben's happily married to a VERY hot chic and he's sold his house and is moving and didn't say screw etc . but he did make the boob comment and it was Devann who told me later when I recanted a shorter version of this story that he probably had the hots for me, cause I so missed that hahahaha. That's pretty bad when your almost 15 year old has to tell you stuff like that , that you miss. God I am getting old!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| That's it for today. I am throwing my very short lived Bugzy's Blog Rules out the window, cause they didn't even work, everyone complained and only one person answered my question. So onwards and upwards and back to freestyle purging, unconstrained by form and decorum. But having said that, I am so busy, I cannot spew anything anyway. I am writing articles like a maniac, just got a 'ahem - how's the novel editing coming along' reminder - yikes and washing dishes??? forget it. So I set you free to go out and read someone else's humour and wit - and maybe I will be able to see straight by this time tomorrow.... which is a shame cause I want to try out that new pop up comment doodah that Alfred showed me earlier.. oh well tomorrow, tomorrow. Oh I can tell you one funny thing - it was so windy here today that the docks were moving around pretty damn good, and I hear this big splash and crap, one of my metal chairs went for a swim. And of course, by swim, I really mean sink... so I still made the pretense of going out and looking down in the dark abyss... but sigh, it was a goner. Glad it wasnt one of my new ones, but still. So will have to check with my neighbour who is having a diver come back next week to do some work on his flotation and see if can swim over and rescue a few things we have lost down there - the list is adding up. hahaha.. hazzards of float house living.... good times. Ok now I can ignore the update your blog reminder and get back to work. Hope you all are having a good weekend cheerios and tooth picks for my sore eyes bugz |
| I was doing research for an article I was writing about writing actually - and I kept finding tips for blogging: how to get people to read your bogs, how to gain a larger audience for your blog, how to get your blog to bring you tea in bed ( ok I made that up but I bet that it woke you up ) Seems this whole bloggidyblog thing it is quite a big bus-i-ness. I only started it cause Ski started it and I am a copy cat. I didn't have any idea it was such a big deal. To me it was just a way to purge my crap and avoid stuffing it down any further and making me fat. Well I was wrong.. it is a big deal for some. ....hmmm. So I decided to make my own rules for blogging and here they are: 1 - You should not blog about the same subject for more than 2 days in a row. So therefore I am not blogging about my connection with "A" tonight and I will not tell you that I am feeling a lot better about the whole situation. And so if I am not talking about it, I wont say that she wrote me this morning and to hear her talk about her life with Michael was to hear word per word about talking about Devann's life with him too. The main differences that I can tell are that poor little A did not have the support of her mom, like Devann does. ( that's me ) She hasnt spoken to her mom since she was about 17. I think that made it very difficult for her because she didn't have anyone close to her on her side. To just tell her it was not her fault. That makes me very sad. I have decided not to write Michael a letter -after everyone on here advised against it... and i listened for a change!! ..... I have someone getting my stuff out of the garage and someone to take over my website. So i am just going to send him a nice email telling him this and keeping it light until that is all taken care of. Then I plan to just server all communication with him. He will not respond well to any letter - as "A" tried that route as well. I am going to write a few crappy dark poems - that will do me good. I cant thank you all enough for the help you have given me - but I am not writing about this, so really I am not saying that, but you know who you are if I was saying something - then you would know who i was talking about. So that is enough of not talking about something. 2- Your blog entry should not be sooooo long that people's eyes get blurry - sorry Mr Monk , or people have to scroll down to get to the bottom ( I think I will fail this one - it may have to be reworked somehow) 3- You are supposed to ask questions in your blog to get people to answer. So here is my question for today: a) how do you like me so far? 4- I think blogs should try to be humourous if possible and since I am not too funny today.. I am enclosing a website that is pretty damn hilarious that galinago passed onto me that cracked me up. I am thinking of forgoing my whole website and going with something like this Simple, cheap and doubles as a kitchen appliance, thus saving time and money and space... all things necessary to conserve when you are a starving writer living in a 400sq ft house. http://noonebelongsheremorethanyou.com/ 5- I think if someone visits your blog, you should visit theirs. (or at least say thanks for stopping by) I think its like getting invited for a beer at your neighbours. Moms always taught us it is polite to take turns. I have visited many people's blogs. I stop in say hi, or make some other equally witty comment and then I leave. Several times I never hear back, no thanks for coming over, have a nice life , nothing. So I think ok, dont take it personally, so I might go a stop by again this time bringing a casserole and then still, zip. So then I start feeling like a stalker. Do I go back a third time, or do they think my cooking sucks and hope I stay away so they wont have to tell me to my face. My girlfriend accused me of of being overly polite, but I think it'd be nice to hear back when I visit. Ok well I broke 2 of my rules already so I will stop now and maybe tomorrow I will behave better. Thanks again everyone.. onwards and upwards cheers bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| It is almost 10pm. I have done absolutely not one stick of work today... paid work that is. I was assigned another novel to edit today that I have not even opened. I have now 3 articles due that I have only sort of started one. But it was an very busy day. I woke to an email from the gal who wrote me yesterday. I will call her A. My carpal tunnel is bad and in both hands tonight ( this is the first time my left hand has gotten painful and numb) so I will cut and paste to save my fingers: 7am letter from A. (just an excerpt) I had written and told her that I would help if I could but that I was pretty messed up still myself. I want to clarify that I'm not asking you for anything. I got more than I ever imagined already. Nor do I want to hinder you from any positive resolve or anything. I have lived the last 4 years with incredible guilt. Of course I had no proof that Michael was not treating you well but chances were pretty high he hadn't changed much. I have cried for Devann many times. I still have the letter I wrote her too and I thought that I would carry that guilt to my grave. All I wanted to do by writing was to tell you that...I am sorry I couldn't do anything sooner to make the truth known. I did want the absolute best for you and even though it felt lonely to be in such a confusing relationship you were not alone. I guess I wanted to tell you the things that I wish someone would tell me... If you had written back and said you had a good time in Ontario I would have never bothered you again. It's none of my business really... I just wanted to connect. I feel so thankful that you shared your tidbits with me. I'm finding some courage in me that I thought I had lost a long time ago. I don't talk about these things very often because it is so confusing. Thank you for letting me. I am glad that you and Devann have each other still. Don't let me add to your pain. I wanted to invite healing. Thanks for all your thoughts. Here's is another verse from a poem that kind of fits... If I was a poet I'd write out all my sorrow every disappointment and erase it all tomorrow... Looks like tomorrow might be coming after all. It took me until 1pm to write back and my letter took almost 2 hours to write. Dear A, I read this first thing this morning and had to sit with it for a bit. I have done no work today, here it is 1pm and I feel the need to answer this before I can start my work day. I was worried to be honest that somehow you wanted me to share some wisdom to help you heal and usually I am the helper dashing right in to solve everyone's problems. This time I held back in what I saw as a request for advice that I thought you needed from me. Well I was wrong in my initial assessment of your connection. First of all I see now what you meant by the quilt you have held by not mailing those letters 4 years ago. So let me alleviate that guilt right off the bat. If you had sent those letters, first of all they probably would have been intercepted - the fact that michael did not see this email from you is astounding as he wrote on that email addy about a week after you and I know he has access to that account and has deleted emails before.. obviously he missed it. We almost didnt even connect... wow...If I had received your letters I probably would not have listened to you. I had dear long term girlfriends that were warning me and I did not listen to them either. I would have done one of a few things.. I would have written you back to tell you, not to worry i was fine. Or I would have confronted Michael (highly unlikely) and he would of course denied everything you said and then I would have been convinced you were off the wall. So any scenario would not have had the intended effect on me at that time. Instead you are writing now and what you are saying is impacting me more than you can possibly know. It is I , where the tables have suddenly turned, that is going to lean on you for support and courage and understanding. Just in these short past few hours I have made some astounding revelations. I lost myself in that relationship for sure, but still there was some tiny voice in side my head that kept saying to me, i was not crazy.... even though every indication was proving the opposite. When I finally managed the courage to tell Michael I was leaving last May - those words spoken came from outside of myself. I didnt know much, i had no thoughts of my own, or very little anyway, only Michaels voice rang in my head - but I knew I had to leave for Devann's sake and I knew I had to go far. My friends and my job all said to stay in Orillia and I even had a place to live there - several friends said i could stay with them and certainly my work ( i worked at the Orillia YMCA at the time ) did not want me to go and tried to make me stay... but i knew if i stayed that close I would not be able to stay away from him. Even after moving here and being 4500 kms away I almost went back several times. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt. I have always seen the good in people. My father was abusive and I forgave him, so was my ex husband. I never wanted to see the evil in Michael because it did not match the image i held of him of being the nice guy who brought me tea in bed and put water bottles in at night before i went to sleep because my feet were always cold, and who would draw me a bath and crap like that. That is the sign of a very conniving abuser - my girlfriend pointed that out to me one day - they do horrible things that make you feel like shit and then do something so nice that you cannot stay mad - because how can that person be mean if they do such nice things? You must be wrong in your assessment. It is easier if the person is mean all the time - but the constant flip flopping is what kills you. I tried to tell michael how badly he made me feel but he always managed to turn it around so i felt bad thinking that i was making him out to be bad - he would twist everything I said. he never validated my feelings and so after awhile I did not share them. When I did finally say the odd thing, he would turn around and slap me in the face with me later on. That was the worse thing. I want to read your letters to us now - if you still have them and if you are ok with sharing them now. I want Devann to read hers - if I can read it first that is, not that I dont trust you, I just want to still shelter her if I think I need to. We talked on our way to her work this morning. I never share with her too much about my failed relationships ( and there have been lots ) as I did not think it appropriate. But she is older now and I think she needs to understand and know evil so she can learn to protect herself from it. It was a long conversation and hard to write about it all on here - but basically he used to hit her and she never told me until we were getting close to leaving back last march - when she told me I didnt handle it well. First I was so torn as I still wanted to make it work with him, even thought i knew deep down it was over, and i knew that i would not be able to confront him because he would deny it and then turn around and make her life worse. It is like being in grade school and squealing on the bully - everyone tells you to do it, but when you do it makes your life way worse than if you kept your mouth shut . And there was a part of me that did not believe her - which devastates me to this day thinking that i did not believe her 100%. I did believe her to a point, but it did not match the image i had of michael or that i wanted to maintain and young girls, especially unhappy ones, tend to exaggerate and that is what was going through my mind. I am so angry now that on the exact day , I did not pack our bags and leave. I have not told anyone else this until now as I have not been able to admit it. I have not told dev that i did not believe her 100% but someday I will tell her how i felt. This morning when i explained to devann what had happened when i tried to confront him and how the day i told him how i was so afraid of leaving a light on - ( he would go nuts whenever a light was left on in the house or energy was wasted in any way or if you did not eat everything on your plate) and his reaction was that i was acting like an abused women and how dare i feel that way as he was not an abuser - instead of saying... oh my god honey that is tragic that you feel that way, how dare i make you feel that way and what can we do to fix it - no it was turned to make me feel wrong and stupid - and a few days later he threw it in my face in front of her - when he asked me to do something, i forget what - and then said, oh sorry I shouldht have said that because you will think I am abusing you .... that devastated me and again broke my trust in sharing any feelings with him. Dev said to me today he did the same with her. She said one day, you are not allowed to hit me, dont do it. And later when she wanted to have him teach her to drive - which they did on the farm with the pickup truck - he said, why should I teach you to drive today, you think i hit you which makes me a bad person, and if i am bad person you should not want me to do those things with you. God it was all I could do to keep my car on the road. I could only say how sorry I was and tell her that it is time we really talked about what happened. I have tried to shelter her... and obviously I did a crappy job - my only sheltering was to not talk to her which was wrong. He wrote me 6 weeks ago and accused me of writing bad poems about him ( i can only thing maybe the one about valentines day.. dont know why i sent it.... i sent a whole batch to him to put on my site and that was an oversite- i have written several dark ones about him but i did not send them those ones) but he said people will read your poems know you are talking about me and think badly about me and that is not true. We had a good relationship and you only talk of the bad parts and that is not fair blahbalh. That email tortured me and I basically have written only a short note to say how upset i was and i would write again... but i have not. It tortured me because I did not want him to feel bad. I didnt want him to be angry at me. I wanted to somehow keep the peace with him. I have stuff stored at the farm still (long story it was supposed to be moved her by friend and that has been a bit of calamity) and he does my website. Well I called those friends today and left a message begging them to get my stuff and store it at their house which they were supposed to do ages ago and I have found someone else to take over my website. As soon as my friends call back and tell me they will get my stuff - I will write him and tell him that and about my site. When those two things are cleared up ... i will sit down and write him and confront him. I have a poem I have been working on for weeks.. it is all about how we met, how lovely our times were and blaming myself for what went wrong in our relationship and how i did not speak my truth with him and how i was so blahblahblabh I will not finish or send that poem now thanks to you. I will write him something much more real and honest. I will confront him and tell him out very clearly ( and not as my girlfriend said to my this morning that I talked to for 2 hours before starting this email to you..... she said I am chronically polite...so this will not be polite )... I will spell out how he treated us, how we felt, how it devasted Devanns self esteem, how his throwing her hairbrush out the window to the lawn when she would leave it on the bathroom sink was childish and immature, how when he would refuse to make her food when i was at work because she would leave onions on her plate was abusive, how he would not wake her for the school bus if i was at work was abusive, how when i was out here taking care of my mother who was in the hospital and he went out and stayed out until 2am and didnt tell her where he was and when she called me here crying and alone and afraid - that he got mad at her later and said how dare you call your mother and squeal on me - and then he lied about where he was - that was abusive ( and the final straw of the reason why I left him finally ) And only a small drop in the bucket about what really went on. He is evil and he is abusive. I do not see the good in him anymore. I will not make excuses of watching his sister die when he was young as being an excuse for his behaviour any longer. I will speak my truth to him. I will show Devann that not all people are good and true and that is important to speak out and protect yourself against evil people. And it is ok for you not to like everyone and it is ok if those same people do not like you. I do not care what he thinks about me anymore. It is not important to me anymore that he like me. He needs to be told what kind or person he is. This abuse has gone on long enough. I am sorry I did not speak out earlier. I did not see it clearly and I did not have the courage. You my dear wise young friend have given me the courage. Together we will heal this I feel that with all my heart. i did not think i needed to heal more. I felt i had moved on. I had moved on but I had not dealt with it. I was hiding from the deepest part of my pain. I cannot thank you enough as I sit here with tears in my eyes. For it is not you who I need to help heal, but it is you who need to help me. And you have done that already. I cannot express how overjoyed I am that you wrote to me. Everything happens for a reason - in the exact moment that is supposed to. I was supposed to be flying to meet a man who i very deep feelings for this Friday and some stuff came up for him and we had to postpone meeting. I did not know why. Today I know why. I need to be completely free of Michael before I can more on. And you are helping me do that. What else can I possibly say. It is now I who want to talk with you more. And I really hope we can continue on this healing journey together. I have said alot... more than I intended. And I hope it was not too much and that I am not causing you more pain. I need you to know how much your loving concern from afar helped me these last 4 years and how your connection now too is making me realize it is not I who was crazy. I will send this as impossible it is, another 2 hours has passed and as much as i dont want to.. I need to work for a bit. I have some deadlines of articles to write that are looming. I can only hope as I send this that we will continue. But I understand if you do not want to. Blessings judy She finally wrote me tonight. I was on edge all day. She wrote back an amazing letter. Saying how much she appreciated my honesty. She sent me the letter she wrote to Devann and it is heartfelt, painful, reassuring, encouraging and devastating. I will share with Devann tomorrow. She asked for more time to process what I shared but she wants to continue unless at some point one of decides it is too painful. She said.... I believe everything you say is true and it scares me to hear it. Abuse is such a sneaky vile thing when it is not 'obvious'. Maybe it was obvious except I believed I was the abuser. She was a child for God's sake. How could she have been made to feel like she was the abuser. This was a long entry.. I apologize and gratefully acknowledge any of you who persevered. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I have right now. I feel liberated. I feel honoured. I feel validated. I feel 'not crazy' as I was led to believe I was for so long. I feel able to give and accept more love now. Because I feel that I am a more complete person than I was yesterday. How absolutely amazing that we have connected. I am still in shock. cheers bugz |
| I have my own website for my writing and my teaching ( yoga, pilates, etc) and I will admit that I have neglected it as of late. Except to post up my published articles. And it has a email addy that I keep forgetting to check. Well yesterday I did. And what a shock awaited me. I had received a note from over a mouth ago from a gal who used to be the step daughter of my latest ex-boyfriend. Well it was heart wrenching for sure. She said she had stumbled across my old website WInd Chimes Yoga Farm - where we had posted our bed and breakfast and my yoga and other classes, my summer camp etc. ( this site is down now ) She said she had kept an eye on that site and then when she noticed I had left that place and had a new site, she had visited and read all my poetry that was posted there. She was compelled to write me as she was so happy to hear that I had left my ex. She has briefly told me about her time living with him and how abused she had felt. She too writes and attached this poem that she wrote when she was 13 and living with him. I am so empty. A vacant land of nothingness. I once thought God lived here. I lie like a corpse, Hollow and forgotten. Seething loneliness Aloneness. No longer a being but an empty, tortured shell. Locked in my room, locked inside myself… what is the difference? Slowly starving Exhaling nothing into nothingness. Dare I breathe for more? Figments of my imagination; My only friends. I memorized the pattern on the carpet. I cannot endure this pain you cause. But I will never let you know that. Now the door is unlocked, The problem is I starved a long time ago. To say this ripped my heart out is putting it mildly. And worse yet when I asked Devann if she had ever felt that way living with him, she replied, yes sometimes. I am at a loss as to what to say to this young woman now - she is 27. She has already told me a few things that I did not know - I knew of her of course, as my ex told me all about her and her mom - and not in a very favorable light... I am unsure of how to proceed. He hurt all of us deeply and she has asked if we can talk further as she has not been well and already she feels like she has healed a little bit just in the couple of emails we have exchanged. On one hand I would like to help her if I can. But on the other hand I do not really want to dredge up bad memories for myself either. But perhaps there will be healing in this exchange for me also. I don't know. I guess I will write her back again in a few minutes. She lives about 5 hours from me, which is quite close really. I will ponder and just see where this goes. And as another sort of bizarre co-incidence I found a letter today that I had written to myself. I was in charge of a Youth Leadership group at the YWCA and took a group of kids to an outward bound experience about this time last year actually. We canoed and portaged and camped in the absolute wilderness only accessible by boat. It was an amazing time for the kids.Some of them had never even been out of the city. it was a hard time for me as I had already decided to leave my relationship, quit this job at the Y and move out to BC. One of the exercises we did was to write letters to ourselves that were then mailed to us.late last year. I just found mine again today in a drawer. Here is what I wrote: June 17, 2006 Dear Judy Well at this time everything is pretty much screwed up. Hopefully by Christmas you will know that you made the right decision. I hope you are ok. I hope that Dev is ok. .. and I hope that you didn't chicken out and maybe you and M. are still friends, but i guess unless he changed a lot that is probably not possible.At this point I couldn't feel much worse, physically,out of shape, unhealthy. I hope by now you feel better about yourself.This weekend was exhausting and it has been hard just to stay motivated for the kids. I didn't feel very inspired and I want to feel more perky and be more fun loving but right now I feel like a big drag. So many changes are coming and it feels so heavy and uncertain.I wish I had more inspiring things to tell myself.I know I'll be ok, but I want to be better than ok.I want to feel alive, joy and free and I will. I hope your trip went well and that you and Dev had fun and that she likes high school and has friends. Stay true to yourself and don't get involved with any man for awhile. Focus on yourself, taking care of yourself. Have fun, laugh more and be free. love judy That letter made me cry to read it almost a year later.I did accomplish all those things. i do feel free, I do laugh a lot more and I do have fun. Dev and I just finished playing board games for over 2.5 hours, ate pizza, put our feet up, laughed and laughed. And she slaughtered me at every game.. how is that possible??? Reading this and emailing this young gal, makes me shake my head. How do we let people control us so much and manage to make our lives so miserable? I am determined not to let that happen to me again. Perhaps some of my determination will help this gal too. Perhaps. It was a good day. Hope yours was too cheers bugz ps... what happens to all the money you spend on your child's singing lessons - when they put on head phone and sing to their Ipods it's like they never even had one lesson in their life.. why is that?? Gawed.. I love her to death but her singing...... whoa.... scary! haha ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Well as a follow up from an entry a few days ago when my neighbour's house disappeared, well tonight it came back!! Phewfffff ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** One of the gents that works at the marina was manning the little tug boat that could.....that takes driving to a whole new level. I watched as he maneuvered that house boat like it was a toy.... fabulous! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** So that was the excitement around here today. That's enough isn't it?? Are you getting greedy?? haha How many times does anyone watch a house come back home? Today was good - I got a writing assignment that may turn out to be a regular gig - and that took most of my day, but it was fun and productive. Nice notes from my friend, who I thought I had perhaps offended, made my day start with perfection and it continued to be a day of nice thoughts, shared dreams with friends and hope. sigh.... a good one all around hope yours was too cheers bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Watching a little bird making her nest - on my new outside light (will be dark around here at night now) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Having to unplug my laptop and scurry back inside lickedy split as a torrent rain burst from the sky from nowhere, just as I was in the middle of writing a review ( thank goodness it didnt get lost ) More cute poems in my inbox: troubador  In response to me sending pink thoughts for his blue heart.and advising ice for his carpal tunnel (which I should be doing grrr) pink stinks unless it's a gin fizz then I'll drink myself skunk drunk and my blue heart will turn purple for bugzy's wis dom is a quiz for a true whiz arm in icy sink headaches start cause the green ink fading in the sink made my head shrink (but my heart's less blue) Emails from friends, lifting my heart and my spirits. Reviewing Lou always makes me smile. Running outside to feed the geese with the squishy top of my home made bread (I know but I don't liiiiike that part) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** A rainbow after the pouring rain, then sun, then rain. The same mommy-to-be-bird paying us a visit 'inside' the house - guess she missed the turn at the front door. Loud music as I painted the front door AGAIN ( and then forgot and shut it during my shower... sheesh ) My shower My clematis now has "three" flowers Getting a job offer Listening to Devann giggle while watching Patch Adams No otter poop on my dock today, guess they are confused too with the neighbours' house missing Laughing with my neighbour over my shock of coming home and finding a hole where his house was and begging him to bring it back (tomorrow night, phewf) Life is good when you can find the little things that make you smile and your heart sing. Cheers bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I made a few mistakes late last night and today. First last night writing something to a friend that was perhaps too honest and revealing. Some thoughts are best left unsaid I suppose. But I have this insatiable quest to be real and honest these days - so that was I was doing. I pray that all will turn out okay and just the way it is meant to. I received another round of edits on my own novel this morning. And I made the mistake today of sitting down and reading it. It was the final 15 chapters which are really intense as my sisters disease finally consumes her. My editor did a shit job I think on these pages. As I found quite a few mistakes - but maybe I am just more in tune from all the editing I have done lately. But I am disappointed. I have not been able to send her anymore money - I have paid 75 percent of the rough amount we agreed to - she is leaning toward the higher end of the arrangement. Which I said I would be able to pay once this thing gets picked up. But she is broke as I , and I think she rushed through just to finish and ask for more money. So although I do not have it, I will send it anyway and be done. It was a good exercise but I see now that I can find a lot more errors and I will plod alone and finish it myself. A new editor will be appointed any way in the long run. So of course reading my words, which were not really really my words anyway since this story seemed to come from outside myself - sent me down pretty hard today. And then I did a stupid thing - My sister, looked a lot like Princess Diana, I mean ALOT - and her favorite CD was a tribute one that was completed after Diana's death. We played it all the time in the hospital. I have not played it since. Well today I am sorting as I still have unpacked boxes. I picked up two used bookshelves at the junk store finally - thank God I can now unpack all my boxes of books - and I sorted CDs and found this one. And played it... over and over... it takes me right back there to the hospital with her - music does that to me. I needed to connect with her today. I want so much for her to see my life now - the life we talked about having together when she got sick. Living on the water, ( we meant "by" the water - I am sure she laughs at me now - because she always used to say I never did anything half assed - only I would take a dream of living "by" the water and turn it into "ON" the water ) haha.. that makes me smile. We were going to write books together - and even started one when I was there with her. She was a writer too. What a nice coincidence - nothing we planned. I miss her today. Our lives, family , loved ones, and friends and the relationships with them are fragile. I hope those around me know that I love them and I try to take care. Sometimes I do better than other times. Today I hope I did okay My dearest friend is still awaiting test results - time stands still when in that place. Decisions can't be made, it is hard to live in the moment when one call from a doctor can change fate forever. I am holding him in the light today. I hope he feels that. it will be cheerier tomorrow. bugz ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Seriously - I went out yesterday, stayed over night at my mom's and when I came home tonight my neighbour's house was gone!!!! Poof, vanished, gonzo!! Here is the space where it used to be: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** hahaha... what a weird feeling - like you lost a leg or something. I am so glad my neighbour had warned me the day before that he was going to move his house temporarily! They bought a new one and to move a whole household is a pain - going up and down the dock - so they towed the house over to the main boat launch and unloaded from there. It was so funny as I had forgotten about this and when we rounded the corner of the dock, and saw the big gapping hole it was quite a shock. The good news is we are temporarily looking after his garden dock which is gorgeous ( the one with the lilacs and the pond that darla fell into ) it is tied up on the other side of our house for now. AND we can now take a good pic of our renos - here is our house: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** You can now see the second story we put on the left - that is Dev's cool loft and check out the snazzy new metal roof - super nice!! It looks great now but renos took place in the dead of winter with snow and torrential-never-before-seen-rains that poured in through a tarped up hole in the roof for days - I had at least 12 buckets catching water in my bedroom one night - that was hell - but I can laugh now .... sort of.... haha It was very unnerving to walk down our finger with no house beside us. I am not a fan of neighbours at all to be honest, but now the house is missing, it feels very tippy and I felt like I was going to fall in big time tonight!! hahaha So that was not going to be the point of my blog at all - but this was just too hilarious to pass up. And I forget what big inspirational thoughts I had anyway. I do feel terribly spoiled today though I will admit as my new sweet friend Chanon  wrote me THIS poem this morning:"Our Bugzy who lives on the docks Is happy as pigs in blue socks. Only one thing amiss, Of this she does hiss, She wanted ten guys with big clocks. Ooops, misspelled the last word. Sorry " Gawed - that and a merit badge from SKI and an absolutely mind boggling email from him today too - I swear I spend more time crying reading mail than anything else.... It's just too much. How many more times can I say how blessed I am? So with that I will sign off and perhaps tomorrow I will remember what it was that I was going to say. Super weekend all....cheers bugz |
| Hope you don't get sick of hearing me talk about my nice little life. Today was just another lovely day here. The sun was glorious - 27degrees C or 80degrees F. Lunch outside, working in the sunshine and hanging with my favorite gal, Devann. We talked about fears today. She says she has a lot. She is fearful of not fitting in. She said she saw a movie, Never been Kissed and I guess there is a scene where the girl in the movie is in high school and she is walking down the hall and people are yelling 'loser'. She said that would be her worse nightmare. She has always wanted to be part of the popular group and yet has never 'made' it. It used to break my heart when she would struggle for that illusive acceptance. She did a few not so great things in order to try and fit in. As much as I have tried to counsel her on just being herself and not trying to be 'popular', my words have gone in vain. I have watched her little heart being broken many times by the stinging words and mean actions of those other gals ( and boys ) in her old school. When we moved here I was desperate to keep her out of a normal high school with 5000+ kids, cliques, drugs, crap, peer pressure, and the usual nonsense. I managed to convince her to do online school and stay at home - she gets to meet some of her classmates once a week and to me it has been the best of all worlds. She has friends, she spends the minimum required time to get through school work, she has 2 jobs that she enjoys and she has a life. She manages her own time, stays up too late I suppose sometimes, but has a sense of freedom to make some of her own choices. I have seen her completely change over this last year - wow it will be almost a year since we moved here. She really struggled with self esteem issues the last few years ( an over bearing, bully of a 'step' dad didnt help matters at all ) and it has been an absolute joy to watch her really grow into someone with so much more confidence. She writes poetry - and it is really good, She is writing a novel - I told her tonight that I would not take another editing assignment but would edit hers instead - I think we can easily get it published through my work . If she had been in her old school - and admitted to writing poetry - I know for a fact she would have been teased for it. She hated telling people that I was a yoga teacher, because someone said that was stupid. She decided to become a vegan this year - another thing that would have brought on a lot of teasing and she would not have done in her old school. She is learning to stand on her own two feet and I know it has been because she has been at home - in a loving supportive environment. She is investigating schools for September. I, of course, don't want her to go.... and am really, really trying to support her in her decision. I have taken her to see a couple of local schools - we have 3 more to check out. It is partly selfish that I want her home - I want to see her have time to really explore her talents and not to have them squashed by others, and I dont want to be tied down to a school day schedule, I do NOT want to have to go through what I have gone through forever, in trying to wake her up for a bus - and as we are not on a bus route anyway in our neighbourhood, I will have to drive her to school - which I also do not want to do - and I want to travel and be free to promote our books and live a live full of freedom to do what we chose, decide when we wake, not adhere to schedules and demands. If it is sunny, we go kayaking, if it is rainy we stay in snuggled with hot chocolate and good books to read. I hope she makes a good choice. I support her in which ever direction she chooses, I just hope she will be okay. She is such a joy and a compassionate girl. I hate to see her taken advantage of because of her still-yet-to-be-fully-developed-take-a-hike-to-those-who-don't-like-me-attitude. Although I am still learning the same things she is learning - so go figure. Fingers crossed.that we will both be okay! Oh god - another fear she said she had was of me dying. She said she hoped that she would die before me. Wow... that was a heart breaker... we made a pact to die at the same time. But at least not for another 50 years or so. We had a good laugh about how old that would make us both. And then I changed the subject - but I tell you, she says the most astounding things sometimes. Oh yah... hey look.. it's me and Dev ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you would like one go to
And she has BOYS now too.. heehee - so that makes it a boyfriend factory too. Yahoo! Never have enough of those boys! Ok.. well thanks for hanging with me again! cheers bugz |
| I have read on here time and time again of the friendships people have made and the joy they have received from being on this site. Well I am no exception. Today in my email I received this lovely little poem: Where the otters play and the waters lap, where the dock runs out and a garden grows, is a house that floats in the changing tides, As a cradle rocks in the ebbs and flows. Away from the turmoil of modern life, the watery corner it calls its own holds a family that lives in paradise where the wings of discord have never flown. This very eloquently sums up my life. And every single day I am grateful for what I have and how I am now able to live. It has been a long journey but I feel at peace here. AND a lovely gent on here, who really I have only reviewed a couple of his pieces and he has reviewed just a couple of mine - set up a tribute folder in his port and included ME! Wow... .and really the piece he included was surely not my best. I really could not believe when he told me today that he did that. I was really honoured and touched. Here is the link:
I cannot even begin to thank all of my friends on here. I have met some absolutely amazing people and through my short time here I have done more healing of my heart and soul than I have in many years previous. I have bared my deepest sorrows and pain and have never been met with a harsh word or the slightest judgement. My friends here (and you know who you are cause you are reading this) keep me sane, make me laugh, dry my tears and make my life so full of joy, I long to wake up in the morning just read your thoughts and hang out with you. Thank you. I feel blessed and honoured. Cheers bugz |
| Ok , today was the best review day ever. I so like writing smut - ok better than actually writing it, is the reviews and subsequent conversations regarding said smut after the fact. Sure led to a fun and steamy day today. Yikes. Pass it on, hope I get more reviews. Although I didn't get much work done today, cause tooo busy chatting! Thanks sooo much to fleckgirl for doing a VERY detailed and painstaking edit. I know it was hard for her to read it 4 or 5 times just to catch all the typos. And she was at work... heehee. Lucky she has an office.... And you know for a person who is an editor I sure made a lot of mistakes. I am going to chalk it up to the late hour and duress of writing almost 11,000 words in one night. I am definitely feeling a sequel coming on.... hmmm.. And I have so much more new material ( haha ) kidding ... pretty much used up my repertoire, so any scene suggestions are welcome. I will give you credit in the acknowledgments ... for sure.hmm a colaberation - now there's a thought. So that was definitely the highlight of my day - oh yah AND moving my office (read:laptop) out to the dock today and working in the gorgeous sunshine 27degrees - although the screen was hard to read. And I had to stop and feed the geese and watch the otters play and wash the dock after they came over and POOPED again. And day dream. And listen to the waves. And almost get sea sick when a big wave came by and rocked my world! So that's it for me.. kinda cheated but I pulled an all nighter last night, can't believe I am still awake here, but not for long. Thanks for reading me and hope to get some more juicy reviews Cheeers bugz aka Cappy |
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