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 |  probably stuff i think is funny. or aggravating. or both. |
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| nature mocks me. i'm like salieri, and nature is mozart. i'd love to garden. vegetables, mostly. but i'd happily grow flowers, herbs...trees? i'm sure those of you who have a garden are shaking your heads. but i've killed cacti, people. the plants with natural defenses so fierce predators don't mess with them, and i've watched them keel over with as much drama as a mexican soap opera. "después de perder mi corazón, y de desear una comida apropiada, soy muerto," they seemed to say. P, with his slapdash approach to plant maintenance, has no problem. he's had the same plants so long, i've caught them standing with the fridge door open, scratching their bellies. "just looking," they tell me. put one more item on that life's to-do list.  you know, when civilization as we know it collapses, and we're back to making our own clothes, keeping livestock, and growing our own food, i'm so screwed. |
| okay, so in the interest of expanding my writing skills, i'm gonna try an exercise, here. words that rhyme with .... hm. can't think of anything. does a word rhyme if the exact consonents aren't duplicated, but just the vowel sounds? just wondering. i'm feeling a bit stagnant, tonight. have been the past few days. lost a contest. i can't say i'm bummed, but i may be. i'm not terribly self-aware, so there's just no telling what's going on in there. we have a short vacation coming up, which is giving me a bit of the spring fever. i feel like shaving everything and wearing the flowy skirts, the freedom toe sandals, the braids in the hair....i feel like my moon's in aquarius. free love, everybody. that's my bag. hey, man, you gonna finish that sandwich? we saw 'spider man 3' tonight, too. really, better than i was led to expect. there's nothing more disappointing than someone who tells you how much a movie sucked, just after you tell them you're about to see it. way to stomp on my daisies, rachel. yeesh. but i was happy with the film--i wasn't overwhelmed, or confused, or grossed out by tobey's pelvic thrusts. it was all good. we got a little work done on the bathroom and hallway, finished scraping off the devil's gluepaper. please, if you pass nothing else on to your children and friends, please make sure they never EVER use wallpaper...unless they think burning a house down is easier than redecorating. that stuff is squeezed from the musty loins of the dark hoary underlord. but, we've got a relatively clean bathroom, now. we've already waved the sage & blessed the four corners, so it should hold the spackle all right. i'm stuck with my stories. both of them. i know generally where i want them to go, but the how to get there requires study of subjects i know little about, and i hate skipping around, writing scenes out of order. what if something significant changes between here & there? what if i can't find plausible science or mythology to support my plot points? that all means making up more stuff. being all creative & shit. not my strong points, y'all. plus, work. why can't i be rich and famous based on my fabulous off-the-cuff blathering skills? gah. i know, i know. blah blah art, blah blah human condition. well, someday, when i'm wheelchair-bound and wearing diapers, i'll have no reason to get up. i'll spend all my time writing, because i'll have lost my appetites, and have nothing left but my memories of them. ha! i wish that was sobering, but it just makes me chuckle. as much as i'd like to think i've a burning need to write...really, all i have a burning need to do is entertain myself. i'm fooling myself, if i think other people would pay to be entertained by that. wow. that got kinda dark....i could use some cinnamon toast. always look on the bright side of life, ye monkeys. |
i've noticed this odd slowing in the local wdc activity the past few days. i know dragonfly~guess who's back?  has been incredibly busy, and runningwolf04 has been working hard at her new job...but it feels lonely. *sniff*y'all aren't giving me any excuses not to work on my story!!! |
| do you ever fantasize about unpleasant scenarios, not because you find them appealing, but so you can come away from them with that feeling of, 'oh, am i glad i don't have that blahbbity blah to deal with'? i'll give myself 'what if?' daydreams. what if i accidentally tripped over that small boy? what if i lost control of my bowels, here in the grocery store line? what if i came home to an empty house and a dear jane note? what if that light turns red a smidge sooner than i expect, and i end up getting sideswiped by the oncoming left turn lane traffic? isn't it interesting, that my daydreams are always catastrophic? why don't i fantasize about coming home from work to a candelit dinner, prepared by my lovah? or having a fabulous, sparkling conversation with a stranger? or discovering i don't even have the urge to eat a cheeseburger today? i dunno. maybe because these things actually happen, from time to time. i'm lucky enough that my life actually embodies the good stuff, more often than the bad. we were watching 'the shawshank redemption' for the billionth time--i never get tired of that movie--and it'd never dawned on me, the possible meanings behind the title. i love the beauty, the strength and purity of the message. but who's being redeemed? red? andy? there are thoughts to support both. P's theory is that the story is of red's redemption through andy's unwavering sense of hope. he brings hope to red, through his perseverence. i like that. i also like the idea that andy's sense of guilt over his wife's murder led him to accept the punishment of shawshank for a certain amount of time. his redemption comes when he decides he's out from beneath that burden. he's forgiven himself. and he leaves, to create a life of forgetfulness and peace in a small, beachside mexican town. in either consideration, andy is a man of fortitude and serenity, even through the most extreme of tribulations. i just never get tired of watching that movie. sigh. |
| yesterday was my dad's birthday. we haven't been spectaularly close for several years, and i know part of that is a natural growing apart from living in different states. part of that is me not being adult enough to have that shift in relationship with him, yet. but, a little about my dad. i was a daddy's girl. he was my hero. strong, fearless, kind. he knew everything. in some ways, i still think he does. from him, i learned the word 'irk'. he'd always use that word, when my brother and i were horsing around. "cut out that jazz, you two. i'm getting irked." and we'd just crack up even worse. from my dad i learned how to properly belch, while watching sunday afternoon football and eating pretzels and cheese. from my dad, i learned how to scramble eggs, wash my drawers out with cold water when i had those embarrassing monthly accidents, how to use hedge clippers, change an air filter, how to couple dance. he always showed me respect, treating me like a lady. he taught me a man holds the door, guides a lady in front of him when being led to the table in a restaurant, to say 'please' and 'thank you', and that every person is the equal of another. i used to joke that we didn't have religion, but that we had star trek. and that was partially true. we did have star trek. but i learned more about how to be human from my dad. i'll always see him as a noble soul, trying his best to do the right thing. he isn't perfect. but he's still my hero. happy birthday, dad--i love you. i hope i come around before it's too late. |
| i received my work performance review today. like that other annual exam, i left feeling a bit...unsettled. i received good marks, mostly. the lower ones being related to my less-than-optimistic attitude sometimes. sigh. but i'd been thinking about my job, and my long term goals. i've always assumed i'd be moving on, that this place was a temporary stop for me. of course, that was ten years ago, but the mindset sustained through frustrations and disappointments, and the good times, too. i've had many successes at this company to reminisce about. today, for the first time, i pictured myself working in a bookstore, for this company in particular, in 30 years. i'd be 68 and a half. i'm fairly sure i won't be retiring before i hit 70, if then. so i'd be puttering around, knees cracking, thick glasses, my wispy hair pulled up into pigtails. i'd be cute. probably crotchety. but, i'd be crotchety anywhere at 70. gimme a break. damned whippersnappers. so i'm picturing this day, and i'm not sad. in fact, i feel a lessening of the tension that's always curled in my belly, as if to say, 'i don't need to prove anything to anyone.' i don't need to become 'successful', get a 'real' job. make a respectable salary. if i'm happy working in a bookstore, writing in my free time--even if it never goes anywhere, so what? hm. and hey, if i get off my ass and start producing quality pulp, i may even get a second income out of it. (hey, a girl can dream.) so, maybe this is where i'm supposed to be, and i just never knew it. i think i'm gonna go put that hair shirt in storage. |
ah, so. the puppy P & i were drawn to has been adopted. by someone else.  i hope her new home is a warm, safe, happy place for her. sigh. we were thinking we'd wait until we moved before getting another dog. the idea of juggling two dogs and a cat on the road is....daunting. but we don't know when we'll be moving, and i 'd like to find a buddy for daisy. she loves the cat, but that cat won't play right. i can see it on daisy's face, everytime she tries the butt wiggle and hop, and the cat just looks at her. "it's just not the same," she says. i know, daisy. i know. oj was a great big brother, always gentle (except when she just would NOT leave him alone), calm. but he was also rather elderly, not really able to play as much as she did. i'd love to see her have a lil' friend (just flashed on daisy mowing people down with a machine gun.  ). one she can hang out with when we're not home, frolic with, chew on, run circles around us with...knock over furniture with...destroy the house with......hm.  still, it'd be fun. lots of energy! daisy's only two--she's still so much of a puppy! well, it'll happen. i think, now we've felt the pangs of losing a potential puppy addition, we'll be looking with more intention. with that in mind, please check out the new link thingy to www.theanimalrescuesite.com above. they've made a deal with a bunch of sponsors, who pay for food for shelter animals with each click a different person makes. you can click once every day! check it out. it's free, it benefits several different rescue and shelter organizations. it's a great idea.  have a puppylicious day, everyone. *sniff* (honk) |
| have you ever just wanted to do something completely ridiculous? okay, that was a silly question. of course. you have. we all have. but i'm watching this 'dancing with the stars', and i'm thinking ballroom dancing would be such a blast, to be able to do. to feel free, completely in control of the steps and comfortable enough to just cut loose, glide & hop & skedaddle around the dancefloor. and in sequins!! i am a hopeless dancer, tho. but, wow, that would be great. feathers in my hair, lotsa makeup, glittery shoes...drama drama drama. fwew. ooohhh, jitterbug! ok, back to the show!!  as for today, had a lazy day off. didn't leave the house until after 3pm, moseyed to the mall to visit my honeylambkins & do a lil shoppin'. had a coupon for ulta....and couldn't find one stinkin' thing i wanted. i'm a sucker for anything skincare/haircare-related. P might say i'm a collector.  i don't wear makeup, but i'm always scrubbing & masking & conditioning....but nothing. sigh. i've lost my girlie mojo. no worries. it'll be back for the next sale. otherwise, we cooked cod for the first time ever.....was beautiful, with onions & little grape tomatoes & a lovely tapenade smeared all over the fillets, and smelled luscious. mmmmm. but my belly's not quite back in the game. still a bit sensitive, too rumbly. but look out next time!! this new auction started today--it's the biggest i've seen, so far. check it out, won't you?
have a great night, y'all. what's left of it. |
ah, sniff the spring air, revel in the sunshine, prance in the tulips! it's spring, i'm dressed, and relatively healthy again!  i'm even thinking about taking a shower. in a bit, P & i are off to visit the humane society, see if any of the pups grab us. i'm sure we'll visit the kittehs, too, but the resident puss won't tolerate more of the same. for some reason, she likes the dogs. maybe she has identity issues... hmm. and my appetite's back!! those who know me realize how important this is. after three days of barely eating, i'm ready to get back on track. i've been reading this book that dragonfly~guess who's back? recommended, about writing. it's terribly encouraging, leaving me no excuses not to write. so, i am. i feel all trembly & cautious about it, but i've started a new story. please feel free to read, but any specific feedback (especially negative) may scare me off, for now. i'm sure i'll be asking everyone for their feedback, when i do finish it. here 'tis:
if you're wondering just what the kaflooie i'm getting at in this one, i'm happy to fill you in. i haven't gotten quite far enough for the overlying plot to kick in. but i have a general idea. oooh, also. jump on the bandwagon, y'all--let's do a little bit to help those poor souls in darfur (and piss off Muammar Muhammad Al-Qadhafi, who apparently would rather hundreds of thousands die rather than allow assistance from the UN) http://capwiz.com/anca/utr/2/?a=9652286&i=83429954&c=&u=www.anca.org it's easy, and doesn't require much time. all right, that's what i've got for today. happy sunday, everyone! |
| hi, all. i've been sick the past couple of days. yay. i've managed to crawl out of bed to come to you for this very important message. very important. yes. ah. well, it was here a second ago. maybe it'll loop back around again, when i pass by. man, i love that alka-seltzer cold medicine. gooooood stuff. sorry for being behind on responding to emails and blogs...will be back when i'm fully conscious, and can dress myself. nobody wants to read emails sent by a half-dressed sick girl. (ha! or, maybe they do.) thunder outside. i love a rainstorm. sigh. back to bed. hope you guys are having a good day. |
| (the above entry title is credited to the master of the angry rant, excerpted from his segment 'back in black' on 'the daily show'.) god, i love lewis black. how that man can rage. speaking of inane blather, i don't have a topic to blog about tonight. i'm poopered out, all bleary-eyed. maybe a tad gassy. and to top it off, i've apparently missed the first democratic candidates' debate. yes, yes, i know. it's eighteen freaking months until the election. i don't care about that! i'm pissed i missed it. but we had steak for dinner, so that helps balance out my righteous self-pity a bit. *yawn* (crickets chirping) did i mention i have the most fabulous bed? well, i do. flannel sheets, lots of squishy pillows, pillowtop mattress....sigh. i think i'm gonna go crawl in there. hope everyone had a more exciting day than i have...had. bad grammar. time for bed! |
| have you ever noticed the aftertaste from gatorade? i've been sipping 'mango electrico', but in the past few minutes it's managed to transform into 'monkeysweat delicto' in my mouth. i'm putting serious thought to scraping my tastebuds off with a fork. anyhoo, before that, i was asking myself why i write such silly blog entries. why i try to fall back so often on the loopy. i remember several of my teachers and professors over the years commenting on my clever mind. clever. yeah, sounds like a compliment, doesn't it? not so much. really, it would depend on where you're from. i suspect my teachers hailed from new england. sample definition & etymology from www.answers.com: (emphasis added) clev·er (klĕv'ər) adj., -er·er, -er·est. Mentally quick and original; bright. Nimble with the hands or body; dexterous. Exhibiting quick-wittedness: a clever story. New England. Easily managed; docile: “Oxen must be pretty clever to be bossed around the way they are” (Dialect Notes). New England. Affable but not especially smart. Chiefly Southern U.S. Good-natured; amiable. See Regional Note at ugly. REGIONAL NOTE In the 17th and 18th centuries, in addition to its basic sense of “able to use the brain readily and effectively,” the word clever acquired a constellation of imprecise but generally positive senses in regional British speech: “clean-limbed and handsome,” “neat and convenient to use,” and “of an agreeable disposition.” Some of these British regional senses, brought over when America was colonized, are still found in American regional speech, as in the South, where clever can mean “good-natured, amiable” in old-fashioned speech. The speech of New England extends the meaning “good-natured” to animals in the specific sense of “easily managed, docile.” Perhaps it was the association with animals that gave rise to another meaning, “affable but not especially smart,” applicable to people when used in old-fashioned New England dialects. i'm especially enjoying the 'neat and convenient to use' take on the word. |
| ramona and i have this ongoing debate. okay, i wouldn't call it a debate. calling it a debate is like calling mudpies chocolate cake. but we go back and forth about buffy and xena. in a more insulting, sing-songy way. we've both tried watching each other's shows, borrowing the boxed sets. i couldn't get through more than four episodes of xena, and i'm not sure how many she watched of buffy. since i'm clearly the buffy fan, here, you can see how upset i am by her lack of enthusiasm for what i think is one of the best shows ever aired on television. and she feels the same way about me & my apathy for xena. you'd think they'd be somewhat similar thematically, strong women with special powers, struggling with good and evil, both. sometimes within themselves. each show has its brand of humor, and pathos. monsters. monsters are always good. but i can't help feeling that xena is missing something.... any xena fans out there? i'd like to hear from you. please, tell me what's so fabulous about this show? (besides the whole sam raimi & bruce campbell commection. that, i know about.) help a sister out, wouldja? |
| i'm taking a cue from dragonfly~guess who's back? today, and i'm off to de-wallpaper my guest bathroom. blecch. am i convinced i'm not, in the wee recesses of my mind, avoiding working on my story? ehm. not completely. but, this has gotta happen, too, if we're ever gonna get the house ready to sell. jeebus, it's taking forever!!! okay, hope you're having more fun out there than i am here! |
| okay, screw the middle east, the coming energy crisis, recycling plastics....this is much much worse. http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/april2007/100407beesdying.htm happy earth day!!  |
| along the lines of my quest for the meaning of life, i revisit this poem. "When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn; when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; when death comes like the measle-pox; when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades, I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering: what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness? And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility, and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular, and each name a comfortable music in the mouth, tending, as all music does, toward silence, and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth. When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real. I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument. I don't want to end up simply having visited this world." When Death Comes Mary Oliver i can read that over & over, and i just feel 'yes!' when i finish. one step closer... |
| the most disgusting thing i've seen in a long while. *shudder* P's fixing the bathroom sink...it's been draining slowly lately. i'm sure you've guessed where i'm going with this. HAIR. a gooey, gray, chunky, slimy, 8-inch log of solidified hair came out of the pipe. gawd, i'm gonna be sick. and the smell. people, we should all shave our heads immediately, so this sort of abomination never happens again!! gah. GAH, i say. also, i'm eating potato salad. which isn't helping, in the least. but 'the omen' is on, and that makes up for a lot!! poor, dumb gregory peck. he's no atticus finch in this. i'm rooting for goatboy all the way. go, goatboy! go! well, wasn't that a useless blog entry for today? i agree completely. i'm conserving my brain stuff for the story. which i need to get going on. ssshhhh. talk to you guys tomorrow. have a great saturday! |
| you're going to think i'm a complete dork, but i have to say it. i have buffy season 8 comics #1 & #2 on hold for me!!!!!!!! i was so disappointed to find out i'd missed the first issue--the first one taking off after the end of the series. written by one mr joss whedon (and some guy named george). yep. and i couldn't read the second issue, without having read the first. it's the beginning of the continuation of the series!!! you just can't start on the second issue! it's wrong. wrong wrong. so, there's that. you may not remember me mentioning a book called 'the long emergency'. it was last year sometime. generally, it's about the diminishing oil supply, and the feasibility of developing alternative fuels. the overall conclusion was that we wouldn't be able to sustain our current levels of consumption for more than a few decades, given the resources at hand. and this makes me happy. we're gonna get spanked by mother nature, and i can't wait!! i'll be really old, but i'll be cackling away, in my old lady rocker on the porch. so, i'm reading this novel, now. SM Stirling's 'dies the fire'. this book is KICKING my ASS. i love it!! it's the first in a dense, epic series, and i'm in there. set in modern day, the book follows a few different groups of people as they deal with The Change. you might ask, what's the big deal? take some hormone pills. but this change is the immediate, world-wide cessation of all electricity, and electrically-powered machines. also, gunpowder is no longer explosive (haven't yet found out what else doesn't work), so we modern day yuppies and hippies and whathaveyou are plunged back into the bronze age, but without the skills to survive. most of us, anyway. a few do, and the book is about those people amid the chaos, death, disease, violence, terror and slow rebuilding of the experience. totally fascinating, and i keep thinking to myself, 'i gotta learn how to do that!' a great adventure, with compelling action and well-written characters...wow. he's good. highly recommended! hope your lives are good today--go flip the lightswitch, just to make sure.  |
| i wonder about the meaning of life. not all the time, but sometimes, when it's quiet, and i've had a particularly meaningless day. usually after work. but i wonder. folks who have religion, or a sense of spirituality, receive their direction from their beliefs, i assume. god has a plan for them, they just need to have faith in that. allah, yahweh, lao tzu, buddha, all those hindu gods with the extra arms & trunks...i don't know how they communicate their intentions. probably just as mysteriously. except for the buddhists. (they don't have plans, i don't think. they live in the moment, seeking perfect calm, working to extinguish attachment and meaning...) i have always believed, from when i was a towheaded tyke (okay, i never have been blonde--but i like the word), that life has no inherent meaning. my father told me, being somewhat of a jungian humanist, that the only directive we have, that any species has, is to continue. to procreate, to keep the species going. i've never felt that urge, either. so, no meaning to our existence. hm. makes sense to me. it's up to me to find whatever purpose, whatever fulfillment i can in this life. whether i want to serve others, rack up lotsa dough, do absolutely nothing....the only entity i answer to is the me on my deathbed. (hopefully, this will be many many years from now.) the deathbed me must look back over my life and decide whether i spent it wisely. i'll have regrets. hell, i already do. but what i think i'll ask myself is, was i a good person? this sounds like an easy proposition, doesn't it? being 'good'. we learned at a young age, especially little girls, that being good meant minding your elders, hushing at the dinner table, keeping your clothes clean...that sort of thing. which made raising us a bit easier, if we were good. i'm thinking of a larger definition. being actively good. doing my best to make the world a better place, if only within my immediate sphere of influence. if only to make one person's day a bit better. that's not so hard. but, doing 'good' may not always make other people happy. perhaps an action designed for the greater good leaves some angry, or at a loss. some situations may be difficult enough that neither side can benefit, in the long run. or maybe just in the short run. these are factors we can't know, so i'm just not gonna worry about those. i just have to decide for myself what is the best thing to do. that i can do. that's difficult enough, sometimes. at the end of my day, what gives me that deep down satisfied feeling? that feeling of, 'today mattered somehow'? usually, my job doesn't supply that sort of feeling. i used to come home somewhat fulfilled more often, but even though my work is fundamentally a helping--i help people learn their work, i help other depts with their tasks, i help customers find both frivolous pop culture and serious media--but those days of feeling like i've done a good job are kinda far & few, now. so, where do i get it? that feeling? i guess that's what i'm trying to figure out. hm. well, off to work! have a good day, y'all. |
| i feel much better today. thank you all for your supportive and understanding responses to my dark mood. it's a bit embarrassing. but it does help, hearing people tell me they have similar thoughts regarding their own weaknesses, their own imperfections. so, thanks, you guys. i came home from work last night, self-contained, not really normal, but functional enough. and P pulled me into his lap, took my hand. asked me what was wrong, why i was so quiet. he's great that way, never avoiding me because he'd rather not deal with my girly crazy moods, even if he would rather i didn't have them. but he asked me. he'd also read my blog, so he knew i was down. we talked, and that helped a lot. and i read several responses from you kind people. and i also got a very fabulous ecard from twinkledee ♥'s you , which actually made me laugh. there's just nothing better than friends!!so, today i decided to take off from work. that's right, i said it. hooky. (my managers were very understanding. i said 'mood', and right away, they're, 'oh, take the day. no problem.' )i'm off to the gym, and then to a day of frivolous walking about & window shopping. i may even pick up a new electric razor for P. and i'll do one of my most favorite things: i'll find a nice quiet place, have a long lunch, and read the whole time. tonight, i'll continue on my new story. a perfect day, n'est ce pas? (i'm watching 'amelie' right now.) have a great day, y'all!! |
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