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 |  probably stuff i think is funny. or aggravating. or both. |
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oh, how the flowers bloom, the leaves on the trees flap in the breeze, the sunshine beats down like a sledgehammer....it is officially summer. and i'm officially on vacation!!!!  gehee.i got nothing but my honey and the wide world of maine to keep me company for the next ten days!! (all right, i'll get off the maine thing. but only for you guys. everybody else still has to listen to it.  )i'll try to drop in tomorrow, but i may end up being gone from wdc until sun the 1st. and hey, my birthday's next saturday, the 30th!! i'm gonna be 39. wow. so, you might be wondering what i've learned, in my 39 years on this earth. no? well, i'm agonna tell you, anyway. not a hell of a lot, to be honest. i'm unsure of more than i used to be, and the truth i've discovered seem to me now to be obvious. obvious enough i'd feel silly trying to expound on them. so i'll expound on other stuff, instead. things for which i am thankful: love. love is a much broader concept than i'd originally figured. i can honestly say i have pockets of love in my pulsating heart vest for everyone. some more than others, for sure. and i haven't conquered that sense of balance, my need for fairness. so a lot of the love is conditional, still. but hey, it's there. even for those who annoy the fuck out of me sometimes. i'm getting better at separating the brain-peeling rage from the humanity, the link we have (regardless of how much i'd like to slam their forehead into the sidewalk). so, love. yes. i may still need to work on my anger, though.  work. i've always appreciated work, having a place to sink my energy, my creativity into, and people to share the common goals with. i love the vibe of the place, when everything's working smoothly, when everyone's doing their part to contribute, and most of all, when i can feel the satisfaction and the pride of working well spread around to everyone there. (doesn't happen too often, but it's heady stuff, i tell ya.) intimacy. i've always enjoyed the sweaty weasel play, so i'm setting aside that particular moment of gratitude, for now. but P has taught me the power and joy of true intimacy, over the past several years. from the teeth-clenching frustration of not quite having it, to the unguarded bliss of truly sharing my heart, my everything with him. and trusting i'll receive his in return. nothing else in my experience touches this magic. and for me, i've learned to trust for the first time. my pot belly. okay, go ahead and laugh. but really, i'm learning to appreciate myself outside of the meatsuit trappings we all obsess over. i won't say i wouldn't rather be svelte and toned, all sparkly in a floral bikini, but i'm actually okay with myself like this. boy, i do need a tan, tho. when i think about the level of indoctrination we all suffer growing up, learning priorities, and the huge percentage our looks have in all of that mess, i'm just relieved at this point to be breaking away a little. and it only took me 35 years. (i'm not counting the first 4...i'm fairly certain i was way more interested in mudpies back then.) hmm...what else? you know, i think that may be about it. besides, gentle reader, i'm sure you're quite ready to move on.  have a wonderful week, everyone. may you all brim over with creativity, and have the opportunity to realize whatever feverish brainstorms erupt forth. (erupt forth?  ...whatev.)bye!!!! |
| every time i'm in the car (alone), i sing to the radio & imagine trying to karaoke to whatever song i'm butchering. would i crash & burn? would i pull it off bill murray style, a la 'lost in translation'? would i suddenly discover my latent singing talent and blow the crowd away? tonight, it was 'drops of jupiter'. i was screeching along, hitting the high notes, frightening the innocent passersby, and i just spontaneously started choking up. got all throat-lumpy. don't know why. maybe i'm just having a great moment, i dunno. but it really messed with my groove. otherwise, my days have been uneventful...getting that urge to start/continue another story, which is good. if i leave it lie awhile, i'll start to get all twitchy. i like that. makes me feel like i have an obsession. 2 days until maine, y'all!! |
| oh, accursed insecurity. just when i start to feel impervious to its sneaky, lowdown ways....insecurity strikes again. *sigh* and my natural response to feeling vulnerable is to strike back. or, a preventative strike, even, if i suspect someone might leave me feeling vulnerable...sometime... soon. or ever. which makes me pretty much nuts. not to mention the people i'm preemptively defending myself from. i think i'm beginning to understand bush a little. not sympathizing, mind you. no sirree bob. and then you add into the mix my sensitive nature. and every day's a new drama! i can read sinister motives into just about anything. a glance. a non-glance. a conversation not even involving me, but in the same room. yes, bow to me, for i am the mistress of self-absorbed self-sabotage. but that's just me on a bad day. or a pms day. those'll kick your ass sideways, no matter how much you talk yourself down. when am i gonna really learn to relax? or, start taking heroin so i'm not hyperaware of every nuance surrounding me, imagined or real? hey, that might work. plus, i'd be all relaxed. poor...er, and relaxed. and kinda sweaty. hm. will think on this further. stay tuned for further developments, and maybe a few regressions. diapers may be involved, at some point. |
| OH MY GAWD. you will just NOT believe...!!!! actually, to be technically truthful, i, um, don't have anything to back up that intro. i got nothin'. i've been away but for peeping into my email for a week, and i feel terrible. i do. no, actually, in the interest of full disclosure, i feel like i should feel terrible. and i do honestly feel guilty over neglecting SouthernDiva  's lovely work (i owe her two more reviews)....but the not hanging.....naw. i just feel like a big lump. like the hump on marty feldman's back in 'young frankenstein'...shifting back & forth but not affecting much change on the situation. except for the hilarity. that's me! i even started a fabulous blog entry a few days ago, although my computer decided to express its editorial power and freeze up right at the wrong moment. *sigh* anyhoo, wanted to check in. hopefully july will result in a renewed enthusiasm for the writing & the blogging & the reviewing...!! maine: T-minus 8 days!!! lobster bib, check . |
| so, i met my new doctor today. he's fabulous! great manner, listened & seemed genuinely interested in my questions and concerns, nice handshake. he seems reasonable, and not overreactive, which i appreciate. my last doctor, very nice woman, had a tendency to order blood tests almost every visit. that's a lot of labwork! and she poked my fat, too. as if i wasn't aware i had it. wanted to bring it to my attention.... wanted to insist i start an extremely restrictive diet (which i knew i'd never keep up), and track my cholesterol every month (even though it's not high, and hasn't budged). my new doctor didn't even bring up my weight, and when i did, he asked me how many calories i take in every day. i told him around 1400-1600, and he said i'd have to cut back to about 1200 to see a real difference, if i'm not going to be exercising a lot. no judgement, no fat poking. just reasonable information. no sean connery, though. so, i'm off to work now. have a great day, and i'm sure i'll be back tonight. i...i...i have a little wdc addiction.  |
| okay, here's what i've got so far. i'm still working on a photo of the dog(s), because daisy has the canny ability to look away from the camera as i snap. i have many pictures of the side of her head. enjoy! (and no mocking my hair. i was on the road, people.) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** i loves my P ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** fabulousness in the form of my sister, K ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** tremble, for she is calcutta ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** la singe est sur la branche (it's an eddie izzard thing) okay, well, there we all are. splayed out for your perusal. i feel so naked... have a great day, all! |
| you guys all know about my achilles heel, right? how i can't write erotica to save my life? well, i could. but it'd be laughable. my characters would be all nervous, bumping foreheads, leaning on each other's hair....it'd be a mess. well, now, i've got the opportunity to review some erotica! any tips? you guys got anything for me? stuff i should look for in particular? otherwise, i'm going at this from my own perspective...and that's all. so, what makes for quality erotica? |
| we scarped yesterday. scarped? i meant scraped. scraped. we scraped the ceiling popcorn off one of the bedrooms. only one more to go! god, i hate that stuff. today, i wipe down the seams, and caulk around the ceiling edges. old construction apparently involved sealing edges with some kind of contact paper... anyhoo. haven't written a stitch the last few days. started another new story last week....seems to be my MO. all start, no finish. GOD. but my starts are pretty danged good, i gotta say. i need to find a collaborator. someone who can't start a story to save themselves, but finishes strong. any takers?? we could use a pseudonym & everything. the checks would just roll in like waves on a beach. high tide, people! high tide! it's fun to fantasize. i'm reading a book someone at work handed me, titled 'wake up to a happier life'. ARC. may not be published, yet. the message is one my friends ramona & michael have both tried to pass on to me many times before, and it'll work for a little while, until something happens to piss me off. then i'm all wallowy, again. so, the book. the idea is to find joy in aspects all through your life. the small things, especially. find the satisfaction in living day to day, fulfilling responsibilities, having a clean kitchen, eating good food (no worries there!), laughing with friends & family. that sort of thing. work figures in, too. even those who have crap jobs can find moments of joy. and i don't have a crap job. so, i'm good, there. i'm frustrated sometimes, but my new philosophy of not thinking about what i can't change is helping. somewhat. no, no. it's helping. see? all smiles. but here's the aha! moment for me. so far. haven't finished the book yet. here it is. whatever our lives are like, excluding those unforeseeable catastrophes & windfalls, we chose them to be exactly that. people who feel trapped in their situations aren't. there's always a choice. several choices. we have control over our lives, to an extent. i appreciate the perspective she has. and i agree that we make our choices sometimes with clouded judgement, and end up in situations we feel unable to change. but we can. we can always change. and i like the idea of finding joy where we can. living in the moment. savoring the good stuff. so, i'm not disagreeing with her. but i can't completely jump on board, yet, either. could be i haven't finished the book, yet. she hasn't gotten to the chapter on dealing with fuckheads, or the democrats' inability to grow stones. or the pervading fear of failure some have. or fear of success. i'll wait to see what she says about that, before making conclusions.whew! well, didn't plan on getting all serious. i really don't know why i'm doing that so often these days. where'd my sense of humor go?? BWAA!!! oh, there it is. slid into my shoe. come back here...... have a great day, everyone--! |
| man, today kicked my ASS. saturday at the mall ain't for sissies, lemme tell ya. but i'm home now, feet up. belly full of leftover pizza. life is gooooood. now, i'm sleepy. like the fairy in the magical garden, i wrap my wings around me and drift off to dreams my fairy dreams.....lots of fluttering about, usually in the vicinity of clive owen's buttocks. me likey da clivey.sooo, what else? i wish i had something for you. brain decaffeinated. body depleted of essential oils. soul skimming the seams of my shorts. there just ain't nothing there, kiptin............................... hm.............................i might shave tonight. that's something. hey, i'm trying here, people. let me get some joe in me, and i'll be back, raring to go. all full o'vim. and probably some vinegar, too. hope everyone else has some spunk left in their saddle bags. yippie kie yay!!! |
| growing up in texas, i had several run-ins with the june bug. crunch lil buggers. i'd find them lodged at the base of my skull, spiny legs caught up in my hair. all dead, so they weren't wiggling around, but i didn't want to squeeze too hard, because then i'd be pulling bug parts out of my hair. which is just so much grosser. i'd get them from swimming at night. they're clumsy fliers, whapping into various fixtures and walls, sometimes the ground, even. my friends and i would have junebug fights, scooping them out of the pool filter & tossing them at each other. i also ran around barefoot a lot, and stepping on the occasional cockroach on the way to a midnight swim wasn't unheard of. i was surprisingly blase about it all. i never got disgusted by bugs, or worms...science lab was a hoot. i'd stick pins into and slice open anything set before me. now, though, i've developed squeam. just thinking about this stuff sets my teeth on edge...blecch. how's that happen? what happened between then and now which makes me instantly bilious over the tamest of bug stories? i also don't get how i used to be able to jump over, clamber up, fall down & skedaddle under anything without a hitch. now, if i just fall down, it's an event. with embarrassment, and scabs. didn't used to be that way. i'm now too cautious to try climbing a tree. once was, getting scraped up was fun. i was a gymnast, so i'd do flips around & off whatever i got my hands on. now, the idea of flinging myself around.....yeesh. would end badly, i'm positive. and probably on the internet. so... i have been inspired by so many people posting pics. i'm planning to dig through what i have & see if i can get some up for y'all to see. soon! have a good night...it's been fun reminiscing. |
| my shoulder/neck is all better! whee!! watch as i pirouette around the-ow! heh. coffee table. i guess there's no cure for clumsy. sooooo, we got our plane tickets & car reservation for maine last night!!!!!! woohoo!!!!! i've never been to that part of the country, and now we're going to fly in to portland, and drive up the coast to bangor. fart around there for a day or two. man, it's gonna be AWESOME. (pant, pant) lobsters, tremble in fear for your chitinous souls. mama's comin'!! otherwise, life's pretty good. getting back in the work groove, after having been off most of last week. our only problem is, we haven't made much headway on the house. sigh. i know, y'all are getting sick of hearing about it. we've just got to do it. just sacrifice, give up our one day off together & work through our free time. it's the only way. because now, and i'm not sure if i mentioned this already, we've got a lil trip planned. to MAINE!!!!! now, i've just got to find a renewed drive to lose weight. i guess the good news is, i'm not gaining more. i'm pretty steady. but a mere twenty-five pounds, and i'd be downright svelte. svelte. i like that word. all right, i'm talking myself into it. hey, look! it's another new day! have a good one, y'all. |
| ow. um. oh, ow. i'm laughing at myself right now, in between the wincing. i've got a stiff neck/shoulder/nerve thingy, which is causing me to hump about the room much like quasimodo. i think we've acquired gargoyles on the roof, the dog is more nervous than usual. i can use my right arm and hand all right, but i can't raise my head or twist too much from side to side, and my left arm is kinda useless. (don't worry--i checked with webmd. no numbness, or skin color changes) this may not sound hilarious, but i guarantee you, hijinks have ensued. P giggled earlier, watching me make a sandwich, listening to my 'ehn!' sounds. he valiantly tried to stay out of the kitchen, respecting my assurances i was fine (lies), and needed to keep moving around so i wouldn't stiffen up completely. then, i think he compared me to yoda, so i let him get the chips down for me. i've also started sprinkling 'ouch' and 'ow' throughout my speech so much, i don't even pause for effect. it's just an acknowledgement, then i move on. 'hey, do you--motherpussbucket--remember that quote--ouch--about--ow--no one winning--frick--a war?' so, P smeared on the aspercreme (in a wholesome, helping way), and i've taken the ibuprofen (in a saucy wench kinda way). hopefully, i'll be able to turn my head enough to drive to work tomorrow. watch out, tucson. i'll be battling it out with the little old ladies driving their lincolns. sparks will fly, my friends. sparks will fly. |
| puppies!! puppies everywhere!!! no, not really. but we did visit both the humane society and the county animal shelter today. sigh. if i could buy a ranch, hire a bunch of dog wranglers, and arrange for unlimited kibble, i'd bring them all home. like barbara woodhouse used to say, there are no bad doggies. but we didn't find our perfect-for-us pup today. otherwise, though, a stellar day. got enough sleep, which made the dog very nervous. ('they're not up. why aren't they up? for the love of kibble, you monkeys, get up and PLAY WITH MEEEEE!!!!') i had plenty of time on the computer this morning, and yet managed to write not one thing. i know you can't hear them, but the guilt whips are flogging my conscience as i type. you'd think the typing would alleviate that a bit, but no. 'too little too late', they say. (sound of whip cracking) i'm sure you've noticed how i avoid writing about politics, but how i do enjoy writing about zombies. interesting, don't you think? spiritual belief is endlessly fascinating to me, and i have great respect for those who live to their values. but i haven't ever had an ingrained belief in a world beyond my senses. i wish i did. truly. and i laugh at myself, my ability to spook myself as i walk to the bathroom in the dark at night. how easy believing in spirits and ghosts is, when i don't have my senses to rely upon. hm. maybe john lilly was on to something. i also wonder why being girly is so foreign to me. well, i know why, but i wonder why it seems so difficult, when other women seem to have it all under control. i'm comfortable with my innate femininity, but the trappings are a puzzle. okay, now i have a headache. goodnight, everyone. may you have dreams of a scantily-clad clive owen rubbing your feet. |
| gosh, i wish i had more time today. work requires me to travel to phoenix for a half-day meeting (and hopefully a quick trip to this comics shop ), so i gotta be brief. must leave soon. i've decided to adopt a more humble attitude at work. less frustrated, less eager to speak out. i haven't pursued the authority necessary to make speaking out less than frustrating, so there's no point in bashing my head against this particular wall anymore. my strategy is to try not noticing the things which frustrate me. so far, it's not working. so far, i'm just keeping my mouth shut. mostly. but at least i'm trying. i don't think an actual shift in attitude is possible, at this point. i'm too opinionated about how things should be done. so, i opt for discretion. and a certain peace of mind, knowing i'm not pissing off my coworkers as much. have a great day, y'all! |
for those of us who struggle with discipline, especially reagrding our writing practice (hi, how ya doin'?), i've found something totally awesome. check this out:
it is horror writing, so if that's not your bag, i'm sure there are other micro-flash fiction contests on site, but my point is, surely we can make ourselves grind out 120 words a day, yes? and these are perfect! they're complete stories, or vignettes, anyway. you even get a prompt, in case you're stumped for an idea! (you get six prompts, actually, and you can enter twice each week.) so, if you're stagnant, give this contest a looksee. it's addictive, i tell ya.  |
| "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." --Douglas Adams i love the idea of this quote. that we're not meant to understand everything, and that learning to accept we never will is a saving grace. i can happily mull on this for a long while... i used to think, when i was a kid, that intellectualism was the way to go. that our most powerful resource as a species was our ability to think, to creatively solve whatever problem we encounter. to attack all opponents with intellect. after all, this is the quality which separates us from the other species on the planet, right? as i get older, though, i move farther from that perspective. now, i believe our saving grace is our ability to love. with our complicated minds, our many-layered relationships with all sorts, from soulmates to strangers, we feel the connection. and my favorite aspect of this is that the connection we feel extends beyond our own species. all beings love. and all beings are connected by their existence. i don't believe these things to be magical, or even especially metaphysical, but a response to the knowledge that we are all in this together. the moments which bring me closest to a sense of wonder in this world are those which embody that awareness. when both (all) parties acknowledge our sharing in this life. i wish we could all keep that epiphany foremost in our minds, as we live our lives. how precious each moment is, because like that metaphorical river, we never experience the same one twice. that sentiment, that pure understanding of our humble place in the universe, swells my heart with love. and belonging. we're all family! i love you all! (and no, lisa, i haven't been smoking anything.  ) |
| i've been trying to face my parents' mortality. kinda funny, but i'm more comfortable thinking about my own than theirs. i just don't feel...anything. when i try to imagine the eventual moment, when i'll know in my heart they will never be around again, for the rest of my life and beyond...i just don't feel anything. i'm asking myself, am i a sociopath? am i blocking my feelings? am i so removed from them, i don't even have sentiment anymore? whatever's going on, i'm at a feeling deficit, here. kinda scary, huh? show me a picture of a puppy, though, and i'm all squishy. instant squish. i've always joked about being a cynic, how humanity is a virus that needs to be eradicated from the face of the planet...but i didn't think i'd internalized that sort of disappointment. any ideas for getting back in touch with my humanity? |
| i like to find the humor in the every day stuff, the mundane...the days i don't blog are usually the days i don't have something i can hang onto that way. today is one of those days. i got nothin'. a good day, with the typical interactions, the amusing bon mots from my coworkers, but nothing stands out i can tell you about. i watched 'she's the man' this morning. that amanda byrne(?) has some comedic talent, i gotta say. ridiculous movie, though. my honeylambkins had a dentist appt, involving needles & such...ew. the less i hear about that the better.  i wish i had something more exciting to report...maybe tomorrow, i'll start scanning the local news for tidbits for ya. |
| i'm enjoying the irony of my last blog entry, where i said something about being back to blog every day, after having missed a couple of days. ha! anyhoo... .i can't say i have a good reason for not being around. i can say i have a reason, though. i've been feeling somewhat withdrawn the past few days. kind of happens around mother's day. i won't go into too much detail (because nobody wants to know THAT much), but my mom and i have been estranged for, well, almost always. i have memories of her, and we did have a relationship through my childhood--good and bad, both. in 1993, at 25, i officially removed myself from her life. i said a few minutes ago that i had a relationship with her, as a child. in a way, i did. but i've never had that mom-daughter kind of relationship. just like i have a sister and brother, but our relationships have been altered by family weirdness that required different roles from each of us, than what might have developed during the course of a more...healthy...family. (can i be any more vague? probably not.) so, i've had a weird family life. many people do, to the point of wondering whether the 'normal' family exists anywhere outside of pop culture. i don't think it does, really. but some are quite weird. why i'm sad, though, around these times of year, is how 'unfinished' i feel. how i miss that sense of 'mom', how i can still remember how she felt, how she sounded when she laughed, how she always reaffirmed her love for me whenever i needed to hear it. i haven't had that for a long time, now. i tell myself, (as others tell me, too) that i am full grown, that i don't need a mother anymore. get over it. and i am over it, mostly. honest, i am. but i have the moments. the loss, and tragic unfairness of her life, and mine. i know she never meant to hurt me. i know at this point, i am poised, waiting to hear she's died. i know i'll have horrible feelings of grief, and guilt. and i'll have feelings of relief, as well. and anxiety. you see, as much as i miss her, i'm much more afraid of her knocking at my door. and even more, i'm afraid that when she does die, she'll come to haunt me. |
| so, it looks like we're gearing toward maine, now. bangor, specifically. we're going to visit this summer, check out the place, the vibe. we're looking for a small city, with the basic amenities (as long as we can get broadband, we're good), and without much chance of being the next yuppie mecca. a place we can afford to live, on our meager salaries, in a modest but cozy house. a place we can whittle away our later years in rockers on the front porch. a hound at our feet. we're looking for the american dream. people smile (smirk) when we say that, tell us we'll hate the cold. that we'll be outsiders, there, won't have the accent down. which aren't especially encouraging points to bring up. and they're right. we haven't lived anywhere bitterly cold. or with new england flavor. but, so what? people have been living there just fine for hundreds of years...we might even like it. it could happen. plus, fresh seafood. i missed several blog days, which sucks--there goes my newfound daily discipline. but, i'm starting again. woop! watch out world, here i blog. |
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