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A place where all the voices in my head can talk to each other |
| A place where all the voices in my head can talk to each other |
| Weeks just fly by nowadays, the speed of time accelerates exponentially the older one gets. Not that I consider myself old - my adage is, if you're in double digits you're fine, when you start getting into triple digits, *then* you can call yourself old! It's finally spring in these parts, usually I like rain and gray but enough is enough. Sun is so rejuvenating after such a long gray period, I was beginning to wonder if I was even alive anymore. It all seemed like an alternate reality, a world without color, underwater bubble where fish were disguised as people - only their blank eyes remained the same. Deep sea world where no light can penetrate. I plan to kick myself in the butt and truly write this weekend. I have let mundane interfere with my passion, and it shows. I have put on weight and I'm drinking more - true signs of unhappiness. I drive myself to the ground with work and am dead tired when I get home - true sign of insanity. It has to change. I know writing is what I want to do, what I *have to* do, otherwise I'm miserable and so is everyone I touch. And when I write, I usualy produce something at least fairly decent - so why is finding the motivation so damn hard? Anyone have a magic formula? If there was one, it would be sold in bottles at a big price, and all of us suckaz would queue up to spend our last pennies on it. Wish me courage. An afterthought - I realized how my 'self' is so much stronger when I write, when I'm not listening to myself I am easily influenced by outside forces and become fractured. Oh what injustice the world dumps on me.. remember we all create our own experience.. |
| I've decided not to try to cut myself off sugar. I can quit caffeine, I quit nicotine six years ago, but sugar - no dice. I don't care what people say, if I don't get my daily fix I become homicidal - could this have some connection to my Monday morning hardships - and people flee screaming. Working with exceptionally catty people today. Usually I can either let it go or partake (hey, I'm a female after all) but today it's really getting on my nerves. Maybe I should have more sugar. No, seriously, it is strange how my day-to-day state of mind fluctuates so much. I don't have menopause that I'm aware of, nor other hormonal imbalances that I could blame this on. |
| Who isn't familiar with Garfield and his dislike for Mondays? Usually I subscribe to those sentiments, but for some reason, this morning was different. I don't know whether it was the smell of spring or the sunshine, but for the first time in a looong time I didn't feel like crap while driving to work. I was even humming! I've recently come back from a long trip - combined business and vacation - and am still trying to get myself in synch with this part of the world. I have been tired, irritable, depressed, and I think I'm beginning to get back to normal. The whole humming thing scares me a bit, though - I better not overdo this getting back to normal or otherwise I'll freak myself out. Never mind it would be more enjoyable for those around me, having me in a good mood and being nice for a change, I couldn't stand it. No, seriously. I think spring is turning me into a Pollyanna. How horrid. Must..resist.. |
| I started on a thread but realized how stupid it sounded - not to me, but to everyone else. That's one of my many demons talking, isn't this supposed to be personal, digging out your soul- type a thing, inner critic go to hell- kind of an exercise? Why the self-censorship? Are my thoughts not as valid as yours? I haven't kept a journal in years. Or decades. Exposing my thoughts, putting them on paper (or screen) feels alien. Have I been hibernating all these years, keeping everything inside my head and letting the chaos take over? No wonder I feel vulnerable. Angel, where are you? I need you to help me let go and assure me everything will be all right. Just like the old days. Is "growing up" more or less hibernation? Letting a part of you go to sleep and tiptoeing around it, trying not to wake it up? It is easy, safe, uncomplicated. When the sleeping part gets awakened, it creates a mini-tsunami and you are left scared about the consequences. How many casualties? How will you rebuild? Nothing will ever be the same. |
| Do you ever have one of those days (or weeks, months, years, lives) when you feel like your head is going to explode because there is so much stuff in there? To me, today is one of those. So, I decided to harness the help of this blog, to see if this helps to ease the pressure - and who knows, maybe an idea gets sparked and soemthing else comes out of this blabbing. |
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*Pets Ruby and gives her a BIG hug* Here Ruby, I brought some of those treats with me and we should detour home that way too because there are lots left to gobble up. 
LOL J/K 