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Tuesday, Dec. 24, 2024

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Break the Cycle

by Elisa: Snowman Stik

Rated: GC · Book · Personal · #1054703

before it gets too out of hand.

I see clouds reflecting off my lenses....

For me, anger has been an issue since the earliest days of my adolescence. Managing it has never been a top priority, though. As a result, I have paid dearly for the consequences of my most potent emotion. By the time I reached the age of 18, however, I decided to get it under control. This attempt resulted in failure, though, and my anger has continued to flourish to an extent. Turth is, though, this can't go on any longer, as my anger has become internally self-destructive, resulting in crippling internal stress that has robbed me of my energy and is pushing me back into the depths of depression. If I don't get a grip, I may likely be dead before I turn thirty, either by suicide or cardiopulmonary disease.

When I look at my anger, though, I can't imagine myself without it. It has been my muse on several occassions, and on some days, it's been my main reason to get out of bed. I have been enjoying feeding off the euphoria of anger-provoked revenge for the past few years, and it's about as addictive as cocaine. How do I break free from this vicious circular thinking and make things right in my life for once? That's what I hope to find out through my scribblings here.

This particular blog won't be updated daily or perhaps even weekly. It will be updated when I feel the need to discuss how this journey is progressing or regressing. All I ask is you keep an open mind with this journal. One thing I can admit right off the bat is preaching to me sets me off something fierce. If you try to preach to me in any way, I will not make any progress. I appreciate support, but remember that I'm the one who must make the choice to accept your advice. This is up to me and only me. I'm the one who must break the cycle.

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

Lynn McKenzie

Jul 1, 2009 at 5:33am
In response to "Trigger: The site (yet again)"

Be happy in yellow. You look a lot sunnier. Beats being blue about not being blue.

Thomas

Jun 22, 2009 at 3:07pm
In response to "Trigger: The site (yet again)"

Well, if it's not working for you, there's no reason continuing. Good luck!

Steev the Friction Wizurd

Apr 18, 2009 at 11:12am
In response to "Other: A Look into the Future"

You don't have to give up your anger cold turkey. Just declare particular days to be "anger free". On those days you will not get angry about ANYTHING, not even stuff that should make you angry. Then the next day go back to your usual patterns. Who knows what insights you might get from that?

I don't know because I have the opposite problem from you. I was taught to never show anger when I was a child and have internalized that somehow. Fortunately, there seem to be very few occasions in my life when anger is useful, so I don't miss it except when one of those occasions arises.

You are right that anger and the desire for revenge are great motivating forces, but they aren't the only ones. The desire to improve in some way can be a great motivator for some people. Hell, just the desire to make more money keeps a lot of people going.

Curiosity is a good motivator. Like scientists and explorers and scholars. Also love is a good motivator, like a parent that sacrifices everything for a child. And sex, like Don Juan and Casanova and Hugh Heffner.

No reason you can't have a mixture of motivators with anger just being one of them. Too much of anything can be sickening, even chocolate. I loved it so much as a kid that I sat down and ate over a pound of chocolate candy once. When I vomited it back up I had to rethink my love affair with chocolate.

Good luck with the anger thing.

Thomas

Mar 9, 2009 at 11:47am
In response to "Other: A Look into the Future"

I know what it's like to take on more than I can handle so maybe cutting back will help you regain some equilibrium. Good luck with the therapist too. I went to one last year for a few months and she helped me a lot.

Steev the Friction Wizurd

Jun 12, 2008 at 7:14am
In response to "Trigger/Factor: Seasonal stuff"

Have you considered getting drunk at a Honky Tonk and picking a fight with three truck drivers?

Or perhaps join a gang of 15-year-olds who are planning to spend the evening videotaping themselves trashing vacant houses? Not only do you get to smash all the plumbing fixtures in a suburban mansion but you might get lucky with one of the boys. A night of alcohol, sex, and violence can relieve most of your stress for at least a couple of days.

Tigger thinks of Prancer

Jan 10, 2008 at 5:48pm
In response to "Progress...sorta: Nice work if you can get it"

That would have been amazing!

Paige Turner

Dec 28, 2007 at 6:19pm
In response to "Factor: Perfectionism"

At the risk of sounding "preachy" I think there's a difference between perfection and excellence. And excellence is more reasonable to expect since nobody, absolutely nobody, is perfect.

It also seems common that the harder we are on ourselves, the harder we are on other people. For me, a little gentler self-acceptance helps in the long run. I'll try to be the best I can, but I won't be perfect. It's not possible.

Having lived with someone with an explosive temper, I know how very hard that can be. He saw no real need to even try to change himself, though. And he's still not very happy. (And I'm not there anymore). I think iyou may be on to something seeing your "blowing up" as a kind of addiction. That's certainly something that can only be worked on 'one day at a time.' Good luck!!!

Mavis Moog

Oct 20, 2007 at 6:35am
In response to "Other: Why I'm Here"

That explains everything. Good job. Keep up the good work.

Mavis Moog

Oct 17, 2007 at 8:33am
In response to "Factor/Obstacle: A new way of looking at anger"

Completely agree with you, kittiara.

I don't hear the goss either. Just how I like it.

As far as my Mod duties are concerned, they consist mainly of running my contest, reviewing, and trying to answer queries from members who ask me direct questions. That way I don't have to see any nonsense about stuff I'm not interested in.

Mavis Moog

Oct 17, 2007 at 8:27am
In response to "Trigger/Obstacle: The entire year of 2007 Thus Far"

Somehow, I miss the bitching.....is that because it's all about me

?

Maybe it's because I don't do IM or message forums. I find them *whisper* a little dull *end whisper.*

I've never tried anger management; other than other people's anger - I've tried managing that alright, on a needs-must basis. My own anger is like my farts - smells of flowers and sounds like fairy bells.

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