The Definition of Insanity

Anxiety Fest

November 20, 2020

So these past few days have been “fun.” I can’t seem to get schoolwork done until the latest moment and instead of having only 2 things turned in late (by a day or a few hours) this year, I’ve had 5 or more. Last year I would have felt horrible for that but now it’s more like I don’t care. It’s great. Sarcasm, intended.

However, ignoring all of that, last night sucked. A friend of mine texted me and told me some old friends had made fun of me during school hours. Apparently, the were looking at someone else’s socials and clicked on mind for a moment. The political differences amused them enough to start mocking it, but because that wasn’t enough, they decided to mock my CMT. Upon hearing that news I texted the people who did it. A rather stupid conversation followed. They got angry and annoyed and said that my source, who I did not reveal to them, lied to me. They never said that stuff and it was hurtful that I would think that they would do that.

I haven’t seen them in two years. They don’t talk to me unless I reach out and barely say a word during those brief moments. It’s very plausible that they could be rude. It’s not like it stopped them while we were in school together. It didn’t stop me at times...though I still regret it. And although that is slightly irrelevant, after they said that, I started to feel bad. My friend very well could have misheard or gotten confused. So I listened to their objections and then asked my friend to tell me exactly what happened all over again, just to make sure. She replayed the events.

I thought it over. There were holes in the other girls stories and easy connectors to what was the actual truth. After all, most people mix their lies with truth; they were no different. I probed the girl who brought up by CMT a little more until she said that because she apologized for talking about me, the subject should be dropped. So I dropped it.

The part that bothered me most about this wasn’t even my hope that people actually still liked me at that school. It was the reminder that in the middle of having anxiety try to murder my body, I decided to come on here and air all of that. It was dumb. There are times that I want to not share about my disability because it’s not that bad yet and I’m scared of people being rude but usually I don’t care. The bottom line though is that I would rather be insulted for being gay or bad at math or anything else than my CMT. Because by insulting that part of me, you simultaneously insulted my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother, and all of the pain and hardship they had, and still continue, to live with into their old age.

But to all of you that worried, I’m okay. WDC is nice and warm and friendly. I’m okay.

Oh and quick note to Waltz Invictus: you’re right, I think. Harder to accept but I suppose we are all weirdos and nerds... instead of freaks.

Until next time