The Minefields of Separation and Divorce

Don't be in a Hurry

When you are angry, never act. Breath...allow yourself to calm down and to think before you say or do what is right for you. It pays to set some rules for yourself. These rules are to help avoid being provoked into a confrontation that is not in your own best interests. There will always be a victim, but if you keep calm and don't react when angry or frustrated, then you are seen in a better light in the eyes of all involved, and it will help lower your stress.

Everything you say, do or type, can and will be used against you in a court of law....and the best way to avoid these moments happening is to have self-control...I do not answer text messages as soon as they arrive...I mean isn't that the point of texting, so you can send back your reply in your own time...especially when the person texting you is the person you need to be wary of.

Conversation can go from a quick “Are you picking the kids up Friday?”

To, “They have an excursion next week I need money.”

To, “Fuck you, we are busy this weekend.” in a matter of seconds.

This is where you need to use some forethought. You may be at work, trying to do a job which is already stressful. Trying to concentrate on what you need to do, but being distracted because while this whole process of separation is happening, it is hard enough to focus. Then if you are dealing with angst from your ex, having the kid's rights taken off them and you because someone judges that you are not doing your part can be enough to make you blow your top, which could cost you your job, or give the ex ammunition to prove to the world that you are this bad person that you have been portrayed as.

Tactics...don't have your phone with you during working hours, leave it in your locker or in the car. Make it a rule...deal with the stuff that comes your way from them only after you have gotten home, had a shower, something to eat, and have had some time to relax. Then and only then (unless emergencies or the like) sit down and answer the questions or demands being made. Don't jump through hoops for anyone, it may piss them off, but you had better get used to that, depending on the age of your kids it will be happening for some time to come.

Really, if you take on this steady as she goes approach, you will find less material can be gathered, fewer times where you will feel that anger rising within you and more importantly, you will appear to be in control, which is so important because even if on the inside you are hurting or feel injustice, on the outside others will see someone dealing well in a difficult situation.

I have found that emailing is the best way to communicate with my ex-partner and when you think about it, text messaging even between friends can so easily be taken the wrong way. Personally, I keep my messages to a few words and if I need to say more than this I call. You will make mistakes, I still do, but nowhere near the amount I used to. It is a learning curve, but when mistakes cost you so much more than money and your ability to see and spend quality time with your children is the ultimate price...think...breath...wait. Act, but don't react will help see you through.