The Minefields of Separation and Divorce

Separation and Dealing with Your Loss

Accepting that it is over, realising the implications of this, and dealing with the what if's will do your head in. But try to remember the other party will also be going through the same emotions, fears and doubts that you are. Day's will go from being glad it is over, to feeling desperately hopeless and wanting them back.

This is normal, but this is why I always advocate taking a slowly slowly approach. Even if you are both considering reconciliation, to rush back in the heat of the moment, without proper counselling and considerations, can make your situation even worse, and not just for you, but also for any kids involved. Imagine their delight...mum and dad are getting back together, only to have those hopes dashed because you didn't do the work, or just made a decision in haste, only to find the same issues coming up again.

There are different reasons why couples will want to get back together. Women may find that the security he provides, or the comfort of 'better the devil you know', not wanting to start again, financial stability or just a genuine love for this man she has spent many years with, will see her accept him back...hoping for change.

For men, it may be not wanting to see their former partner getting involved with someone else, a man he does not know being in the vicinity of his children and partner as something very hard to deal with. There are many other reasons why we might rush back but ultimately this course could bring about more issues if acted upon without thought or good sense.

It is at this stage, accepting that it truly is over, that can bring about the most difficult times during the process. Once your ex becomes someone you could never possibly be with again, a switch flicks, and they become someone who causes you grief, problems and stress. At first, things generally go smoothly as far as access to kids goes, but children can and do become tools of revenge or manipulation. When you get to see the children, if you are not the primary carer, is subject to how well you behave, how much you pay (on top of the child support payments ) or if the other party wants a night out and you become convenient.

This may never happen to you, and I hope that it doesn't. I may be cynical, but the reality is until court orders are in place (and in reality after the fact) you are at the mercy of your ex-partner to see your own children. You may think to yourself right now that this will never be the case in your situation, but unless you have a crystal ball, it is better to anticipate these problems and have countermeasures in place. Every day, every week you do not have access, or more importantly, they do not have access to you, is a day or a week or even months you can never get back...lost to this despicable game called divorce.