Complex Numbers

Forty

Happy boom-boom day, Americans! New rule: if I smell your barbecue, I'm coming over.

PROMPT July 4th

What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation?

One of my favorite scenes from TV is from a show I've never watched (apart from this scene). The only background you really need is that it aired shortly after Disney acquired Lucasfilm, and with it, the rights to Star Wars. So it's a bit dated now that the Skywalker Saga has officially ended, but taken in historical context, it's hilarious. Here it is:

Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comedians, and he supposedly ad-libbed the whole monologue.

And yet... even though this guy is a professional actor and comic, and despite his impeccable geek cred, this cut clocks in at under nine minutes, part of which is intro. More, there are points at which he stumbles, backtracks, and even stutters. Now, I'm willing to admit that this might well have been all in character, but it doesn't come across that way. And still at the end of his roughly eight-minute filibuster, he practically collapses from dehydration and exhaustion (though I'm pretty sure that was a slice of ham).

As a bonus, you'll note Chris Pratt is in there, which adds to the awesomeness of this because he went on to join the Marvel Cinematic Universe, as I'm sure everyone knows, as Star-Lord ("Who?") in Guardians of the Galaxy.

I like to think Oswalt inspired at least some of Pratt's epic performance in those movies.

I, on the other hand, am not a professional actor, nor do I get paid for comedy (that's my free gift to the world; you're welcome). Okay, yes, I'm fairly well-versed in both Star Wars and the Marvel universe, but could I have done that?

No. Not without some preparation.

Now, I have done a bit of stand-up, but not for 40 minutes, and definitely not without rehearsal.

I used to know enough jokes to maybe fill 40 minutes, if I spoke slowly, but it wouldn't be original material. Besides, the internet has atrophied my formerly near-eidetic memory for jokes; why keep them banging around in my skull when I can google the punchlines and have the jokes right there in front of me?

Not to mention I'd have to make sure there were no kids in the room.

Hell, I once saw Lewis Black (another stand-up comedian and actor) when he performed in my town, and I had the honor of watching him utterly flub a joke on stage.

Of course, if you want the audience to fall asleep, I could probably have, at one point, given an ad-lib presentation on drainage design and erosion control practices in the Commonwealth of Virginia. But not these days.

On the other hand, I don't usually get stage fright, so that's something, I suppose. That trick you've heard about, the one where you imagine the audience naked? Doesn't work for me. It's supposed to make the speaker think that the audience is in an even more embarrassing situation than he or she is, I suppose. But all the blood flow to my brain ends up getting redirected.

I just realized that at least one of my teachers in high school must have used that trick. Sicko.

It's far more likely that knowing that I have to give a presentation will lead to those ubiquitous dreams where you're the one who has to perform naked.

As for Oswalt, after that show, he suffered some personal tragedy, but bounced back to work. And he eventually got to work for Disney/Marvel, as a side character -- well, several side characters -- in Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. We even got to see one of his characters sleeping in Star Wars bedsheets.

Good for him.