The Definition of Insanity

My feelings on COVID-19

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Sun. April 26th Prompt
How has your idea of lockdown/quarantine changed since the beginning of this month?

Aight. So. Get ready for a tired rant. Ready? OKAY let’s go!

My feelings on the lockdown haven’t changed since the beginning of this month, or from when it began. It doesn’t bother me and my limit for caring is gone. See, I’m still in school, but not old enough to have a license; therefor I have no where to go. I can’t exactly do things in a normal situation because of that as well. And even if my friends weren’t busy or far away, it would be quite useless because what can you do when you don’t have transportation? Yes, my parents have cars, but again, there’s really no need for me to go anywhere. And I don’t like asking. Overthinking + introvert = me.

Also, I do “virtual” school. Which is basically what everyone is doing now, but I did it voluntarily and before this happened. However, my teachers don’t need to Skype or zoom us because our assignments are posted for the week and we do them. We can email if needed, and I suppose set up a conference over zoom or something, but that hasn’t had to happen. At least not for me. It’s fairly straightforward as well because all of our assignments for the year are on a pacing guide, which is just saying “Do lesson 1.01 and 1.02” for the first week and so on. But when that particular week rolled around they just reiterated what was on that guide with a few more notes (like “email if you need help”).

I’ve been doing this program for a year now, and once I got over the loneliness of not seeing my best friend every day at school and the wild thoughts with taking it, I became apathetic. I no longer care if anyone texts me because I know they won’t. In the beginning of this, back in August of last year, the thought of knowing I wouldn’t be with her sucked. I thought they, meaning my other friends and especially her, would forget about me. And in a sense, they did. I didn’t receive calls or texts asking me how I was doing; it was like I never in their lives. And yes, I expected that. The only people who texted on a regular basis were my awesome best friends.

One, the girl who went to school with me, and another who lived an hour or so away that I met at a camp a few years back. They still text, but things are different now. The first is super busy especially with the lockdown, and I mean, it doesn’t matter anyway. She can’t really come see me and she doesn’t have the time to call. The second...let’s just say depression deserves to be stuck in a bulletproof and unbreakable jar and leave it at that.

But beyond that, my friends and feelings, I do see how this affects people. My mom is stressed, and I can tell my father is as well. Their significant others are as well. It’s making friends (I made a new one and re-connected with an old one a few months back) actually miss being with people and doing things. I can’t do much for my mom except try and not be a jerk right now and listen to my dad talk about what’s going on back at the house with him. Random fact: they’re both doctors and amazing at what they do. Seriously, if you need something done (in family medicine) go to them. They’ve saved peoples lives and made countless others better.

Though, I can’t do much for my (new) friends either. I can talk to the two of them but I can’t really sympathize. Yes, I‘ve felt what they’re feeling, but that was in an entirely different scenario and in a few months they can go back out and see their other friends. Their friends will want to see them. It’s just hard to care, y’know? For me, nothing has changed. It’s selfish I know, but it’s the truth.

So no. My feelings on COVID, or the shutdown, have not changed this month because that would require having cared in the first place.