30 Day Blogging Detritus, March Edition

day 18... nitty gritty

Does your communication style tend to be straightforward or subtle? Are you more likely to speak your mind or beat around the bush? Have you ever gotten into trouble because of your communication style?

Ohhhh, this prompt. Now we get down to it because I don't know about the rest of you, but communication style is everything to me for a myriad of reasons (not counting how I write...) and how much of my life has progressed to this point.

I used to be reckless and sometimes downright cruel in the name of "straightforward", and "speaking my mind", and I know plenty of people who still are. It took a lot of hurt, shame both for me, and others, and regret to teach me the lesson of how to communicate tactfully but without being passive-aggressive.

Having kids certainly helps. They're a great mirror for discovering one's own communication style as well as its effects on others. They have no misconceptions or preconceived notions about how ppl "should" communicate and maybe how they "shouldn't". All they know is what makes them feel bad, good, and what is helpful or passes right over their heads.

I've also learned a lot about how to communicate effectively yet directly from my shrink. Not that she tells me what to say and how to say it, far from it, but she's taught me how to have the self-confidence it takes to honor my own feelings and needs enough to communicate them from a place of equanimity instead of someplace else that may not be helpful.

I was raised with hot-headed women. All the women in my family (with the exception of my stepdad's mom, the beloved woman who was such a wellspring of advice like "always take a sweater" and "always drink your booze out of a classy glass") are quick-tempered and aren't afraid to let their feelings be known by any means necessary. I don't know the origins of this style, but I'm guessing out of deep-seated stress over many generations.

On the other hand, I have a husband who's grown up with suffocating passive-aggressiveness in his family. It's bananas how everyone's usually pissed off or unhappy yet no one wants to actually tell anyone that. Instead, they take sideways jabs at each other and use other avenues of behavior to display their feelings. It drives him crazy and he's been working on learning to communicate in a healthy way too.

Between the two of us, you can imagine we're quite the pair, or at least we were when we first got together romantically (we've been friends since we were 18 (1993), but began dating officially in 2000. Moving in together brought it to a fever pitch, and we almost broke up over it. It's a good thing I got knocked up or we may have split for good just because we both sucked at talking to each other. (Another way kids have been good for me...)

As I got older it was apparent that my style of communication contributed to the sabotage of not just my personal relationships, but also (partially) of many jobs.

Lest you think I've reached some pinnacle of communication perfection- let me be clear: I'm still like a f***ing child a lot of the time. It's just something I've worked a LOT on. At least I'm usually aware of myself now- and I've gotten really good at apologizing. Not just saying I'm sorry, but doing it properly. I grew up with a mother who's trademark apology included "I'm sorry I got angry and shouted at you... but YOU ___" (fill in the blank with whatever it was that made her mad). I'm proud to say when I apologize to my kids (or even my hubs) it's just that. I'm sorry. They all have the reactive "it's ok" that a lot of people do when they receive an apology- to which I usually just say "it's not- I'll try to do better".

-TPB