Can We Talk 2

PreSchoolers Who Hate

         What is it about kids and "hate"? They love to use the word, and, frequently use it loudly. I remember my baby brother shouted outside to my mother "I hate you!" It crushed her. It was so embarrassing, because she was convinced that all of the neighbors inside their homes had heard him say it. I was just a teenager and tried to convince her that he didn't mean it, and, in fact, didn't know what he was saying. But nothing could calm her. She was hurt to the core, and felt this little kid had accused her of being a very bad mother publicly.

         As a child myself, I had once found myself thinking that (I knew not to say it out loud; I liked to avoid confrontations even at an early age.) I remember being alone in our unfinished basement. I cannot remember what caused the moment or where anyone else was. As soon as I thought the words, I thought, "No, I love her. I love my family. I'm just mad. It feels like hate, but it isn't." I guess most kids figure that out somewhere along the way, and stop or never say it out loud. You can be angry or disappointed with someone you love, without losing the love.

         My great nephews are now going through a hate phase. One is four, and one just turned two, so the older one has influenced the younger one. We actually have a "Hank hates me club" to which his mother, his aunt and I all belong. And he screams it. Give him some time, and he'll be leaning over my chair to look at the book I'm reading to his little brother, or he'll giggle when I play with him or tickle him. He even asked me to zip up his jacket after yelling he hated me. The two year old doesn't yell it yet. He had just told his mother he wanted to stay with me one night because I'm nice to him. Then before he went home, he told her he hated me in a calm, matter-of-fact voice. He obviously doesn't know what it means. So I know not to take either of them seriously, but I confess it stings a little.

         I suppose that growing up involves figuring out the basics of love and hate, and how anger fits in all those complicated relationships with friends and families. Learning that words can hurt is a harder lesson, and apparently, some grown-ups haven't passed that particular class.