Down the Rabbit Hole

Emotional Education

30 Day Blogging Challenge
PROMPT November 5th
Write your entry today inspired by one of the emotions listed on the webpage below:
https://soulspottv.com/15-words-youve-never-heard-describe-emotions-we-all-feel-...

I thoroughly enjoyed this prompt. Every single one of these emotions were new to me and more than a few of them really struck me as applicable to my current stage of life. Right off the bat though, two of them really hit home and oddly enough, they seem to dovetail together in a blanket description of how I've been feeling for the few months.

For the first time in my life, I've been dealing with a pretty significant depression. Recently current events have made me question the life choices I have made in my career. I have become increasing anxious that I may have wasted too much of my life laying a foundation on compromised ground. I now have a name to give that terrible feeling I've been suffering from, the feeling that the second half of my life is passing to quickly for me to catch up or to start again. Zenosyne is right where I am at, where I have been stuck, floundering for weeks between dark moods and sudden shifts from lethargic states of numbness to a frantic sort of mania. I feel like my brain is running in circles and I am plagued by the fear that I have wasted so many years working toward something that will never materialize in the way I expected it too. I recently described my current state as akin to Dorothy traveling to see the Wizard, amped up with all her hopes and dreams, only to have them crushed when the curtain is thrown open to reveal the Wizard is just a normal man, thoroughly unable to deliver on any of the bright and shining promises she had put her faith in. I don't feel as if I've got that same inner magic to power a pair of magic red pumps, so instead of moving on and finding my way home, I'm stuck in Oz...or rather, here.

I need more liberosis in my life. I need to learn how to "hold your life loosely and playfully, like a volleyball". Liberosis - that's my brand of yellow-brick-road inner magic mojo! I need to learn to care less about things and focus more on the flow of life, of where my choices actually take me rather then where I expect them too take me. I need to loosen the white knuckled grip I have on all my "should have's" and try to find the joy in the journey. I need to stop letting the failure of my expectations drain the lifeblood from me. I'm letting the anxiety and self-doubt overwhelm me instead of looking for the all positive opportunities and silver linings. Liberosis...yeah, if I can find more of that, maybe I can find my way home after all.