Charity Marie Blogs!

Prayers and Periods

I prayed this morning. It's not something I do often. It was more of a silent plea to the universe and anyone who might be listening. I'm not a big believer in the modern day versions of God. Humans get it wrong, that much I know. Our brains cannot comprehend God. The word God isn't even sufficient to explain it. I've read the bible cover to cover more than a dozen times. I've copied it word for word more times than I can count, thanks to my father's belief that writing sentences and beating me for not doing it right was a good idea. I know what God is and it is vast, undeniable, unexplainable love. It's so immense, even one moment of connection to it will bring you weeping to your knees. I know because for a brief moment, I was touched and touched it and it instantly dissolved me into tears. It was the most beautiful moment of my life and the memory of it has been affecting me ever since.

I've learned over the years God, or whatever it is, can be and is a bit fickle. He's standoffish. I'm not sure exactly why. My petty concerns don't concern him. I prayed for relief from the onslaught, for things to improve in our life. I desperately need a break from the constant tragedy surrounding me. I need some success to help give me renewed energy and hope. I have dozens of people praying for our family and I'm grateful for that. No matter what I may believe, maybe their belief can outweigh mine or be stronger than mine. If you believe something hard enough, can it come true? If enough energy comes together in a single wish, can it change things? I want to believe prayer can make a difference. But if you wait long enough, things are bound to improve. Is that prayer, or just coincidence? I know God has an agenda, I have a purpose, and I'm not always lucky enough to know what it is. Occasionally I get glimpses, insights that are beyond me. I know I'm where I need to be in life and I know a little about why. I'm the guardian angel for three people. I'm the only one who can make a difference. I'm the gladiator they each need in this life. I have no idea why I was chosen, I just know I'm lucky to have been. So I keep fighting, even when I'm exhausted and feel like I've reached my limit. Somehow, I find within me just a little more of what's needed.

My husband and I talked last night about the decline in our relationship and that makes me so sad. Between Libby and his health issues, Phoenix, and my own challenges dealing with it all, intimacy has gone almost away completely. We haven't had a proper date in three years. There is either no money, no time, no energy, or no babysitter. Often, it's all four.

I'm so busy trying to keep it all together I don't have time for even one more thing. Libby's issues have consumed me for three years now and get a little worse each passing year, month, week, and day. Currently I'm fighting to have her meds changed due to severe side effects. Are they listening to me? Of course not. Can I get the damn psychiatrist on the phone? Of course not. Via email? That's funny. Not a chance.

I'm slowly but surely losing hope right now. I feel like I'm slowly losing the war and our recent financial crisis proves it. My strength is starting to waver, despite doing all I can. I'm exhausted to my core. And we found out yesterday, the organization who was supposed to provide a therapist for my husband can't. They don't have any left. Five months of waiting only to be told no. He trembles daily on the brink of an emotional breakdown and I'm the only thing keeping him together, which is making me more fragile. How long can one family suffer through so much crisis before it splinters, cracks, and shatters?

Of course, take all of this with a grain of salt because I've been PMSing for a week and started my period today. So everything is gloomy and fatalistic lately. I find as I get older and closer to menopause, my periods have become significantly stranger. I finally got some kind of weird insurance last week so I can start looking into that. Might be some kind of hormone imbalance. Of course, the hormones can cause cancer so I'm not sure I want to do those. Not to mention my body is sensitive to anything and everything it might consider toxic. Even things that could possibly be good for me, like vitamins and supplements. My body detests foreign substances so I keep my diet pretty simple.

I should have internet and phones restored today and I'll be relieved for that. I am at a 24 hr IHOP in a far corner booth, shamelessly using their internet until my laptop loses power. Which won't be long now as I'm at 30%. I've been up since 5:30 a.m. CST thanks to our stupid smoke detector that goes off literally at that time every day. It's strangely more effective than any alarm I've ever had and triggers my fight or flight response, causing me to nearly leap out of bed. I can't sleep after that, no matter how much I try. Even now, three hours later, I'm still wired with adrenaline. Stupid nervous system, it's always over-reacting to things. Stupid PTSD.

Have hope. Don't lose hope. Don't give up. Keep finding solutions. Keep moving forward. Keep solving problems. Stay focused on the future. It will not be this way forever. You just can't give up. Those are my daily mantras all day long. We've been through worse. It'll get better. Will it? I hope so.

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