Writing about writing

October 10th 2018

Fly away to Neverland, maybe we’ll never land,
So just take my shaking hand
         Neverland, Van Høf

I am – quite literally – driving myself insane. I’m still working hard on my notes for the NaNoWriMo, and just decided I want something more from my story. Or maybe just: There’s this massive plot hole, how ‘bout we just go and fix that, huh?! I keep looking at the same stupid pages filled with unanswered questions, I keep looking at the notes I’ve got so far, I keep pulling my metaphorical hair from sheer frustration. Thank god I just cut that off, otherwise I would have pulled out every last strand by now. You simply can’t grasp how frustrated this makes me, I’ve got this whole amazing thing planned out, but there’s like this giant gap, and then nothing makes sense. Like there’s something lacking in every single chapter along the way. Why is that? What am I missing? Was it something I missed from the very beginning? Did I not have a strong enough idea? What the fuck is it?! What is it that I don’t get?! There’s got to be something, I just can’t see it. Something well hidden, something that needs to be fixed, some question I’m forgetting to ask myself, just something! Anything will do right around now, really, even if I have to go through an entire pad of post its and never sleep again, I honestly don’t give a fuck, as long as I find a solution to this god motherfucking damn it all to hell mess!

See the thing is: I love my characters. I love my ending. I love my beginning. I love all the parts I’ve got planned out. But there’s something missing in the mix, that actually makes the ending make sense. Something really really big, and for the life of me, I cannot see what it is.

My usual solution to these kind of problems are to simply just lie down, stare (or maybe more glare) at the ceiling, and wait. Like a creepy alligator, lurking with its eyes just above the surface, waiting for something to eat. That’s what I do. I just wait. Let it simmer in the back of my head, not even glancing towards the computer, just… Wait.

Unfortunately I’ve run out of time and patience. I’ve got 21 days to make this shit match up and behave, I need some answers right now. And it’s out there, just out of reach, I just can’t fucking get a hold of it.

So here I am, it’s ten in the evening where I’m at, and I’ve been at it for almost twelve hours. I’ve accomplished a lot today, no doubt about it, but it’s completely useless, if I don’t solve this plot-problem. If things doesn’t add up in the end, it doesn’t matter how much you love your main character, how sweet of a relationship you are portraying, how cool of a setting you’ve build, how much violence you are managing to cram into it, how many anger issues you are getting out of your system, none of that fucking matters, if there’s not a good story to back it all up.

It’s out there, somewhere. I just need to get a hold of it. I need a boost of inspiration, something that feels just right. It just has to make sense, it just has to add up, I just want to write my fucking story, with my insane characters and their fucked up relationships towards one another, living in a horrible city. I just want to work. I just want IT to work.

Good news are: I’m not even remotely tired, I’ve got nowhere else to be, I can spend all fucking night cursing at this stupid shit. And I most likely will, because now, I’m going to go make myself some god damned coffee, and just sit here and stew until I write something decent. Until I have that small glimmer of hope, of one day making this story actually be.