Confessions of a Cleaning Lady

The one with my jealousy

Cleaned a house today belonging to a woman my age who looks like she's fifteen years younger than my age.

I say it belongs to her and not both her and her husband together because I get the impression she makes the money that got them the house that I covet. I covet this house like, well, someone who really wants something that someone else has.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The first time I ever met this woman, I'll call her Britney because she reminds me just a smudge of Britney Spears, I was in her home to clean it. She's a friend of Lou's from outside the cleaning business, so when I met her she treated me as a friend as well.

She's hilarious, outgoing, ridiculously beautiful, and apparently pretty damn wealthy. She has a successful job in sales, which makes perfect sense because it fits her personality to a T. Her husband is in sales as well, but he lacks the cosmopolitan polish she has. He's pretty nice too, but every time I see him I can't help but think she's out of his league. Also, I'm pretty sure he's stoned.

They have two children, apparently one is somewhat of a "problem child". Kicked out of two private schools, they had to relocate to a part of town where he would be zoned for a "good" public school (read: predominately white and wealthy). So they moved. Because their kid is a nightmare and couldn't hack it in not one, but two schools they were paying for. Paying a lot.

Now here's the thing. I've had occasion to meet these children, the hellion and his little sister, and I have to say they're not as out of control as I thought they would be.

Except when they're around their Mother.

I know as well as any parent that this behavior is absolutely the rule rather than the exception. Kids are always better behaved around others then they are for their parents.

The thing that's so unusual about this situation is that it operates like a light switch. One minute, she's not around and they're in good shape. She walks in the room and it's on. She doesn't stand a chance.

Upon further conversation with Lou and with Britney about the in's and out's of her daily life it became somewhat clear to me why that might be.

We go to her house on Fridays. She travels most weeks all week for work, usually going to exciting locations where she is expected to wine and dine her clientele.

"Oh my God, I'm exhausted y'all!" She has gushed to us on not a few Friday mornings. "I just got back last night and we had been out the night before 'till 2 AM at this club. My feet still hurt, I danced so much."

Or, "Oh my God, I'm soooo hungover y'all. Before I left to fly home last night I had to take a group of clients out to dinner and before you know it I had drunk, like, an entire bottle of sauvignon blanc by myself!"

Now I ain't judging, that's for sure. I can put down a bottle of wine solo like a boss. I just don't get hungover like she does because she weighs waaaay less than me. Believe me when I tell you, her body is amazing. And never have I ever heard her talk about hitting the gym, or even so much as going for a walk for that matter.

I haven't even gotten around to talking about her house yet, and this is the part that kills me every time we go there.

In spite of her glamorous life, her perfect looks, her amazing wardrobe, her obviously bountiful salary- the thing I am most torn up about is her house.

The house itself is not my ideal house, but it's all brand new and shiny and completely custom made to her specifications. She's in the interior design business, so of course it's flawless.

The piece de resistance is her yard. She has an enormous driveway with a basketball hoop and enough space for a half-court. In the back, she has a playground grade playset. Swings, tall slide, monkey bars, etc.

The best bit is the pool. She's got this full sized pool that is the crown jewel of this yard. There'a a cabana next to it with a built in fire pit and a grill. Bartop seating, cushioned lounging areas, and an outdoor shower. I don't even have to mention there's a hot tub of course.

So there I am, changing the sheets and vacuuming the guest room with a constant taunting view of this idyllic pool. I don't get jealous easily at all, never have. It's rare I really want what someone else has. I want this woman's house. Or at least the outside. Call me f***in' Cinderella.

We walked into her house one morning and were greeted warmly as usual. I asked "How are you doing?" and got an eye roll. "Oh you know, livin' the dream..." She. Is. Clueless.

So I have a love/envy relationship with this woman. She's a riot, and very warm. I can see why she'd be easy to fall in love with. Over time (again because of communication and observation) it's become clear to me that she's unhappy. Deeply. Not overtly, but she's definitely not fulfilled with her life.

She's one of the most high maintenance people I've ever encountered. Every tiny detail of every aspect of her life needs to be as perfect as possible, otherwise it eats away at her. This is easy for her to accomplish in most of her life because she has control. Lots of control. She's away from home most of the time at swanky spotless luxurious hotels. She's got a perfect wardrobe that hangs on her perfect frame perfectly.

If there's one hair out of place though, she has a very difficult time coping. The stress of her work seems to be minimal, but what is there is an insurmountable obstacle apparently, at least to hear her talk about it.

The house she had custom built is one debacle after another, even though she had to lift zero fingers to make it happen. Everyone is paid to do it for her, which if I'm honest with myself, I'm a little jealous of that too.

Her unruly children really only seem unruly when she's around and she doesn't seem to know how to deal with them. She goes to her room and let's the nanny handle it until she can flee the city again. Her relationship with her husband seems chilly, and I'm not sure they get along during the short amounts of time they spend together alone. Like I said though, I'm not sure.

There's always one more thing to be frustrated by, though. And there's always one more family member who is being a pain in the ass. There's always one more project at work that's gonna be the death of her.

So it makes me think a lot about what it is to be happy. I envy her house because I know my kids heads' would explode if I told them we were moving there. They'd walk around on a cloud for a year. I'm not sure her kids appreciate it, but then again I've never seen them enjoying it. I don't think she understands how great she looks and how amazing her closet is. I don't think she understands how much fun she is to be around, and how warm her personality is.

I don't think she realizes the things she doesn't have control over don't really have to be controlled because she's got so much else going for her. If she'd relax around them, her kids would undoubtably fall into line. If she'd enjoy the house she's customized to her specifications (again, never seen any of the family using the amenities inside or out) she wouldn't care as much when a cabinet door doesn't close the way she wants it to. No joke, that's an actual thing that she actually ranted about for 10 minutes one day. You get the idea.

I've come to the conclusion perhaps she likes it like that. Or at least that's how she's used to living so it's how she's comfortable. Maybe that's how it was at her house growing up, I don't know. I do know that she's got control issues. And avoidance issues. Which is why I think she's unhappy. Would it be worth the amazing backyard setup that I am so deeply jealous of? I don't know, but I do know it doesn't matter how amazing your life is if you don't actually enjoy any of it.