Can We Talk 2

First Day of Spring

         The chives are full grown and amazingly green above a layer of snow. I harvested some last night and served them with dinner. I bought lime today for my plans to eliminate the moss that grows in the pots on the back porch. I'm waiting for one more snow storm to pass before planning other things.

         I did buy two blackberry bushes. Dad doesn't plan to do a garden at all this year, so I will taking over his garden plot. I want to build a simple trellis at one end for the blackberries. It's down to a third of the size it used to be. I have to decide if I will do any vegetables or just flowers. I don't want to spend a lot of time with the mosquitoes. Time seems to be the biggest problem. Not that I don't have any to spare. It's just how do I want to spend my time?

         I love crafting and sewing, but haven't done any in a while. My dad wants to get rid of everything my mom left in that area. He doesn't sew or craft, and can't understand why any of it should remain. I can't make him understand without hurting his feelings that this is my connection to my mother. Her incomplete projects are her legacy to me. It's something we shared. She stopped when her eyesight started to fail. I was living in another town, doing my own things. My dad never made room for me to move in with my life time collection of things, or what I had left after an unfriendly divorce. I squeezed in, and have sort of spread out over time. I don't have space for sewing. But we have tools in every room of the house except my bedroom.

         I am spending time going through things. I am getting rid of clothes that are out of style or haven't been worn in years, even if they fit. I'm parting with shoes and purses and knickknacks. I've discarded some odds and ends when Dad isn't looking--you know the things you save just in case. I'm coming to terms with rearranging things in the house without offending the house owner (He doesn't want me to leave; he needs me, but like most men of his generation, it's his house.).

         Time is the key. I want some time for gardening without it consuming me. I want to cook healthier, new dishes, but don't want all my time in the kitchen. I want to write, which is time-consuming. I want to watch movies and old TV shows because they've become a hobby; I take notes and make my own observations, like I'm a film critic or student. I want to vacation a little after decades of hardly taking even a weekend. I am just getting into exercise; I've never liked sweating. But I'm finding I really like re-building my lost muscle and improving my stamina. I like reading for hours at a time. I'm spending a little time with some older friends doing brunches, or lectures at the library, or short trips. But housekeeping is time-consuming and has to be done. And my dad is aging and becoming needier. It takes more time taking care of him. I can't let him hear me complain because he's keeping a pretty nice roof over my head. I guess my rent is the time I spend tending to him and the house which is considerable.

         I think I take pretty good care of him, so so for the house. There's always something unforeseen hitting the finances, the time issue, and throwing plans askew. Taking care of him is my first priority. So prioritizing what's left of my time is my dilemma. I have to take care of me, too, so that I'll be around to tend to him. In many ways, he's stronger than I am. I worry that I might go first, and no one else will look out for him like I do. But it is the first day of spring today. The year is still young. New life is budding. Whether I figure it out or no, life goes on. So I'll be hopeful.