A Tribute to Life in Washington D.C.

Speed Bump - Speed Hump

         Today, the Montebello owners association found yet another way to waste money and ensure that association dues increase again. The Board is obsessed with vehicle safety, and this may sound like a good thing until you learn that the average age of Montebello's residents is north of 70 years old and most of them have no business driving; nothing they do behind the wheel is considered safe. Things may appear unsafe to them, but the younger drivers are simply trying to fucking get around them. In many respects, Montebello functions like a home for wayward seniors. Every complaint generates a committee, a recommendation and a solution guaranteed to reduce reserves. We exchange outdoor lighting with the seasons; a new light bulb for each quarter it seems. And we are constantly buying and posting signs. Every complaint about lighting glare brings a new round of light bulb purchases and installation, each one more energy efficient than its predecessor. In 40 years, we have never pushed a light bulb to its natural death; we change them long before this can occur.

         To keep our 70 year-old residents on their toes, we create rules and every new rule deserves a sign. They're everywhere, an arrow and sign reading Picnic Area -->, dog walking area <--- this way, slow, no standing, no smoking, no smoking within 25 feet of entrance, no idling and 10 MPH. Do we need a fucking sign announcing the speed limit is just a touch faster than a brisk walking pace? The walking trail in our woodlands is not even a full mile in length, but we have 36 numbered poles proportionately staggered directing residence to walk in the correct numeric direction as if they could get lost. Admittedly, they are helpful when a walker gets lost or goes missing. Granny can be heard screaming out, "Help I've fallen at post #24 and I can't get up." Building signs are redundant, building ONE, building TWO, building THREE and yes, building FOUR. Can't we rely on the signage on the front of the building identifying the building by its assigned number? Do we need a sign pointing at the sign? Then there is the Speed Bump and Speed Hump sign to consider. Whats the fucking difference. I'm pretty sure these folks are not speed humping, but drivers are confused. What is a speed hump, something we're supposed to do tonight? On our 1.8 miles of road, we don't have a single traffic light. Nonetheless, our Traffic Engineer is guiding the actions of the Traffic Control Steering Group. When in doubt, establish a committee. We are saturated with elder folks and they have time, lots of it. When in doubt, create a committee, sub-committee, and workgroup. After much debate, the Safety and Access Control (SAC) Manager with concurrence from the Steering Group and Traffic Engineer are recommending: additional crosswalks; 10 MPH signs at the entrance to all parking lots; double yellow lines on both long and short sides of Mt. Eagle Drives; and length marks for compact spaces. And the humdinger, our security guards will be required to pontificate cautionary safety guidelines to entering guests. The estimated cost of implementation is $3,770.