Fighting For A Life Worth Living

Day 19-Conflicted

It all began with a miniature panic attack. I have a friend coming to visit me from the Chicago area at the beginning of July. She is originally from Iowa and moved there when she married her husband, so every couple of years she comes back home to see family and friends. Being excited to return home, she is already planning everywhere she wants to eat. I have been trying so hard on my new improved lifestyle, that I am worried sick this 1 week will give me a taste of my old life and everything I have worked so hard for will be for nothing. This is just the beginning of my thoughts resulting in a mini panic attack.

Next, I start thinking about everything I have planned from now until July. My cousin is getting married Fathers Day weekend. In a week I will be attending her bridal shower, both events are sure to have cake and other food I should stay away from. Now my thoughts are racing and I really start to panic because next weekend I will be making the 90 mile trip southeast to see my parents for a week and help my mom watch my baby niece and 2 year old nephew while my brother and his wife go on a mini vacation. I will be spending a whole week surrounded with the bad habits that lead me to get into my current situation. Now I am pacing the room as it occurs to me that I have a dinner with my husband and his parents Saturday night. What am I going to order? Will this give me a taste of my old life and make me want to go back? I am not prepared to eat out 1 time and then instantly eat healthy again.

BREATHE Carissa! Taking deep breaths I was finally able to calm myself down. Listening to some beautiful ballads also helped. I talked to my husband and the plan is for us to order pizza and I will get a side salad before it arrives in hopes of me not eating as much pizza.

Yesterday's other struggle was that in the evening I started to become hungry, so I ate a bag of popcorn. It has been my go to this week and so far has really helped, except for last night. Shortly after I had my allotted 1 bag of popcorn I was still hungry, so I fixed myself some toast. I was still hungry and decided enough was enough, I needed more substance and with my mind made up I went to McDonalds and ordered a bacon mcgriddle and a small fry. The good news is I was finally satisfied for the night, but I question if I may have been able to make a better choice. It is instances like these I can not handle. Do I beat myself up for having McDonalds and try to plan for next time this situation occurs or do I accept it and move on without giving it another thought?