Sandy Supposes....

I Do Not Want To Hear, "Whooee, Festus, you're on fire!"

PROMPT: War Chest Wednesday! Holiday fireworks are being held at your house this year. Your Uncle Festus, who served time in prison for arson, will be in attendance. What do you tell your guests and family to look out for?

          First of all, I will arrange for certain people to shadow Uncle Festus during our evening festivities. The idea is for him not to be aware of this special handling and attention. Hopefully, he will assume that his wit and convivial manner are irresistible.

         His newfound friends will assure that he is well hydrated, just not with alcoholic beverages. A fire bug does not need to be 'lit'. His behaviour is unpredictable with smouldering yearnings at the best of times. Everything should be low key, Uncle Festus' embers of anger and resentment should not be fanned. The party policy will be 'do not add fuel to the fire.'

          Yes, clothing makes the man, but an arsonist should avoid any and all garments that serve to remind him of fire. Before everyone gathers, a designated 'dresser' will endeavour to suggest suitable choices. Materials such as nylon are highly combustible. Anything that creates static cling, or electrical zaps is verboten. Perhaps aftershave is not a great idea either. It's potentially a fire starter.

          Now, it is imperative that Uncle Festus not be permitted to become smitten with someone. Hearing that he is glowing is too much of a compliment. Sparks flying and emotions sizzling are dangerous.

         He will not be asked about his hobbies, past times, or party tricks. Festus will not be granted an audience. Fire does impress. To this end, he will be steered away from matches and lighters. Guests will be warned not to request a cigarette light from him.

          Keeping Uncle F. busy and entertained will be of utmost importance. No sports similes permitted. "The pitcher was on fire," is a no-no. Maybe politics should be off the table, too. One is tempted to moan and groan, " that new amendment just burns me up." I will suggest that partyers not greet each other with phrases such as "you're smoking hot." By all means, invite him to dance, but refrain from egging him on with, "Whooee, Festus, you're on fire!"

         No one is to casually complain that they are feeling cold. Grab a jacket. There will be no bonfires tonight.

          Fire extinguishers will be strategically placed around the backyard. It may not be too subtle, but a 'stop, drop, and roll' demonstration could be incorporated into a group dance... Most attendees will be carrying their cellphones, so 911 is potentially prepared. As long as Uncle Festus is covered, the fireworks should go off with a big bang, or two.