Challenging Poetry

on winning a fiction contest for the university magazine

when I heard,
I hid it deep inside me,
between my stomach and my spine
where the butterflies dwell,
so I would feel it flutter
and remember—
I was sworn to secrecy.
not talking about it
gathered at the back of my mouth
and I pressed my lips together
so that the sound of it
would not escape
would not sing—
oh, I labored then.
I twisted words,
retwisted them
until their shape
was pure,
and breathed them out
into the universe—
and when they came back,
they shone.

Okay--recently I have given work to several different offline contests through my university.

The first one I heard back from was a short story contest for the University Magazine. Back in February, they told me I was one of two who were going to have the opportunity to rework our piece (with professorial feedback) and have it sent to the editor for the final choice. And after extensive revisions, I won. I'm getting published in the summer by our university magazine that goes out to all the alumni with a plea to please donate. I'm excited about it. But for the longest time (all through the editing process), I wasn't supposed to say anything.

A bit later, I submitted a fiction piece, a creative non-fiction piece, and three poems to the concentration awards for my MFA program. I found out this morning, I won the CNF award (which is always fun because my concentration is fiction). So, this was another thing that I have been kind of holding in, not talking about it to my parents so that they don't ask about it and I have to say--didn't happen. The piece that won was an essay about my nephew who died.

Do you know how difficult I find keeping secrets? I'm more likely to blabber them all across the internet or text them to all my siblings in a massive text and they respond with emojis that I can't even find if I try.

So, I'm soon to be published offline. I can't believe how nervous I feel about it.