These Are My JOTtings...

Are You Proud of Me?

The grieving process covers so many aspects of life.
One very important aspect is grasping the level of significance
I had with the loved one, who died.

I my case,
"Mom, Dad are you proud of me?
Are you proud of the boy I was?
Are you proud of the man I have become?
Are you pleased with the way I am using the gifts you entrusted to me?"

As children we often did things to get our parents' attention.
If we were good at doing something,
we would do it until we fell over from exhaustion
just for the hope of even one parent's approval.
"Mom, Dad, do you see me?
Are you proud of me?"

The need for their approval hasn't changed for me as an adult.
Sadly, neither of them are here on Earth to express that approval.

The truth is that I know they were consistently proud of me
throughout our lives together.
I'm quite sure that hasn't changed,
since they have left their earthly "houses of flesh."

However, the feeling remains.
I like to hear the words spoken, audibly,
"I'm proud of you, Son!"

Working through grief means that
I have to express the sadness
over the loss of hearing those spoken words,
working to the resolution that "it's okay"
that the next time I hear those words
may be some time from now.

by Jay O'Toole
on March 16th, 2017