Evolution of love

MOTHER THE GREAT HEALER

When I first met Ma, in June 1947 only for a few hours at my brother in law Raja Sahib's place at Solan, I had no idea that some day She would mean so much to me and cause such a change in my life.
I remember the scene of that first meeting very clearly.
I bowed to Her, just a formal bow it was, and when I sat down to study Her,
I found Her gaze on me, so I looked away, but when again trying to look at Her,
I still found Her looking at me.
I must confess that I did feel a bit uneasy. I had the impression that She could see through and through me. I am only a mortal after all, with many faults and failings, and I did not want to become an open book even to Ma at that time.
I do not remember the conversation, as I was busy trying to look at Her, which I was unable to do due to the above reason. After some time I returned to the Raja Sahib's house which is situated a few yards away on a higher level. Just before going in, I turned towards the house where Ma was staying and saw Her standing on the verandah.
She had tied Her hair up, as many devotees must have seen it.
It gave me the impression that She was looking like Lord Siva. She appeared much taller also from what I could judge while She was sitting down.
Didi sent some prasada of Ma to me through someone else. I did not see Didi at that time, but knew later that the sweets that had been given to me and that we all so much relished had been prepared by her.
After three years I was fortunate to have Ma's darshana again.
What difference there was between these two meetings!
Then I had been a person of a more or less carefree disposition. Now, my mind was in a tumult that very few may be able to imagine. I had lost my husband in a motor accident and there seemed nothing left for me in this world. I felt that fate had been extra cruel to me, but I believe each sufferer feels the same way as I did. Time is called the great healer. My healer was Ma.
Bhaiji (Raja Sahib, Solan) seeing me in that condition of mind, advised me to call Ma. In fact, it was he who had planned Her whole programme to come to our side. I was looking forward to Her visit and yet I was fearing it also.
My fear was that perhaps She would ask me to forget my husband, since he was dead and gone. Instead of that, She explained to me in such a fine way how I could try and find him everywhere. After seeing Her and knowing Her better, one can never feel the great sting of grief anymore. There is nothing more to be felt but a great love for Her. This love is so infectious that you can feel nothing but love for everyone and everything and there cannot exist what is called dislike or hate for anyone. She stayed with us for only a week but that week changed my whole outlook. I began to take interest in life. I started to plan out a small cottage for Her at Ananda Kashi (a place situated on Devaprayag road) when She next came. This kept me busy and cheerful, there was something to look forward to in this life, a life that had, otherwise, become quite useless and empty. There seemed a support extended from Ma, no matter how far She was. I felt a great strength within me, followed by a confidence in whatever I undertook. I didn't feel the need of looking to anyone for any help or decision. I knew that I could do things, things that I would never have believed I was capable of doing. I felt so free, light and almost happy. I believe no one can help this feeling as it is one's birthright. Those seven days of Ma's halt there were a never to be forgotten period in my life. The strength and courage that I. felt within me is helping me along the line I have taken in life. The teaching of Ma, 'Jo ho jal', is there with its great and deep meaning.
So, why should anyone worry, when what is to happen will happen. Who is to stop or change the map or programme laid out by a greater hand than ours? All this philosophy, though studied by me long before, unfolded its meaning only when Ma explained it, and I am sure that no great scholar would be able to do it. Now comes the part one may call blind faith or imagination. It may be termed anything but there it is. What does it matter, as long as it can help and save one from the torture I was undergoing? I will now try to disclose to my readers some of the things I experienced, in the form of hearing and seeing, about Mother.
The first instance when Ma visited us at my home: One morning, just as I was finishing my prayers, a thought came to my mind. I wanted from Ma a garment used by Her. After a few minutes I went out to where She was staying. (It was a tent). I greeted Her and to my pleasant surprise She offered me a shawl, which She used to wear every day. She took it from underneath Her pillow and put it into my lap. I know, one may say that She always gives Her things away to the devotees, so this was nothing special. All I can say is that She could have given this shawl to me when She gave things to the rest of the family, the day She left. Why had it to be only a few minutes after my wishing for it?
Once when we were returning from Vindhyachal, where we had gone with Ma to spend a fortnight, I travelled by lorry as something had gone wrong with the car I was in. I was feeling a bit sick as I do not like the smell of petrol. As we arrived before Ma, I went straight to my room to rest. I must have dozed off, all the time thinking that I would like to go to Ma when She arrived. Meanwhile a girl came with some food for me. She woke me up. I looked past her towards the wall in front of me where I had hung a painting of the Goddess. This painting used to be my husband's and I take it with me wherever I go. Just underneath it, there was a carpet on which I used to sit down during the day. My eyes travelled from that carpet upwards.
On that carpet I saw Ma's white sandalled feet and then just as I was thinking as to who could be standing on my carpet with the sandals on, I realized that it was Ma. My eyes travelled up to Ma's face and head. It was touching the lower edge of the painting. It was so very clear that I was attempting to get up, saying to the girl that Ma had come, when the girl replied that Ma was in Her room. I pointed out to her where I could see Ma standing. She turned her head to see and then the scene disappeared.
Some time back it became my habit to think at once of Ma whenever I misplaced or lost something. I just say: "Ma, where can I find it?" and I can rest assured that I will not be disappointed. This has happened not once or twice but many times.
When last April Ma visited me at Ananda Kashi, I used to go to Her room in the mornings and wait near Her bed for Her to get up. She soon used to move and turn towards me. I would ask Her to sing to me and She was kind enough to do so. Now I imagine that I can hear Her sing those songs m the mornings or whenever I come to think of them. They simply vibrate in my mind.
In the end I will close with these words that it is the great fortune or thousands in this world that we find Ma among us to console us and bring peace and happiness to our tortured minds. That She may remain amongst us for a long, long time, is the prayer from my heart, and I feel sure that all Her devotees will join me.